A while back, I posted this gemstone about grooming for the privates doctor. Since I only received two emails telling me I wasn’t very proper for discussing such things, I think it’s okay for me to move along with the following topic. After all, most of you responded with your thoughts about the issue, and didn’t seem the least bit appalled. And I thank you kindly for that. (By the way, so long as we’re discussing whether I’m proper or not, I might add that I’ve never claimed to be the epitome of or a model for what one might deem as ‘proper’. Further more, what is ‘proper’ and what isn’t is quite relative. But enough about this..)

On to the real shebang:

Recently, my attention was once again caught by a tiny tidbit in Glamour. The article the tidbit accompanied was called, ‘You Want A Prettier What?’. I’m pretty sure the title says it all.

In short, it discussed people wanting to have their bellybuttons completely removed from their bodies, butt implants, labiaplasty, toe shortening or lengthening, shoulder lipo, and belly button reshaping.

First, I want to put out there the fact that while I am not likely to participate in any sort of drastic cosmetic surgery, I under that people do. I don’t have really have an overall opinion about it. It’s six one way and half a dozen the other to me. Additionally, I say ‘drastic cosmetic surgery’, because I once had two moles removed for cosmetic purposes. While that wasn’t a total booby overhaul or a belly button removal, it was still cosmetic.

But completeremoval of the belly button? Seriously?

Can you imagine if one of your friends was like, “Hey, Sally-Jo-Whats-her face, I’m going tomorrow to have my belly button removed!” You might be a little taken back.While the belly button serves no purpose after a birth, voluntarily having it removed strikes a strange chord with me.

But who am I to question belly button removal?

Anyway,

Beneath the portion of the article discussing labiaplasty was a question answer session with men about vaginas.

The question was, of course, “Hey, guys: Is there any such thing as an ugly vagina?” And I was all geared up to read the responses. To me, privates are funny looking. I wouldn’t call them ugly, just natural. At the same time, there are plenty of people that deem them just plain ugly

The men Glamour interview claimed a variety of things:

A character named Jay said,

I really can’t imagine what would make a vagina hideous. Let’s face it, genitals are kind of weird-looking to begin with.”

I’m with you on that Jay. They are pretty funny looking.

The next gentlemen, calls himself Brian and says,

All vaginas are beautiful. If there is a place made by God, it’s a woman’s vagina and it ought not to be messed with.

And well, while I like Brian’s positive attitude about vaginas, I have to admit that to me, it was a creepy sort of statement. As the owner of a vagina, I appreciate Brian’s support. But still.

On to Ravi,

Men usually don’t care about how a vagina looks. They’re thinking only about how good it feels.”

ugh. Ravi, Ravi, Ravi. Why did you have to go there? You could have just said the first sentence and then walked off. I hope your girlfriend’s mother sees this. Or even better, your grandmother.
Finally, Marc says,

No way! My advice to women is to love your vagina for all its uniqueness, splendor and glory. But if I had to make a choice about what constitutes the ‘perfect’ vagina, I would choose for it to be in the shape of the New York Jets Logo.”

Oh, ladies and gents, if you are not familiar with such a logo, I know that you are dying to google image it as we speak. Fortunately, I have saved you the trouble.

I’m assuming Marc means the football in the picture, and bless his heart for providing a visual aid.heh.

Privates are pretty funny looking, and I suppose any part of the body is funny looking if you think about it long enough.

As far as remodels go, I understand that some women do have to have this procedure due to medical necessity. However, the article discussed the fact that some women are undergoing a labiaplasty simply because they desire a “more perfect” vagina. Really? REALLY? A more perfect vagina?

If that’s your thing, dwell on it, I guess.

I suppose if I had to have any of the procedures, and I mean, HAD to or DIE in a pit of lava while being simultaneously eaten by piranhas. I would have my second toe shortened on each foot. It’s always bothered me that it is longer than the first. I suppose that in the same way something so trivial as toe lengthbothers me, an ugly vagina is bothering someone out there.

What are your thoughts? Are privates ugly? hideous? natural? gorgeous? Do you want to swim in a pool of them like Ravi? What if you HAD to have either butt implants, toe lengthening/shortening, shoulder lipo, or belly button reshaping or else get thrown into a pit of lava? which would you have done?

Sometimes I wish that when I first started this blog I had given my husband and daughter code names, maybe something ridiculous like the Ginger and  the Snotzy or my husband and the kid. I guess I would have thought of some incognito code name, but when I started writing this, I was fairly certain that I would be the only person that ever read it. Since I know their names, this didn’t seem like an issue for me.

When people do have nicknames for their children, I’m always curious about how they managed to spin up the appropriate pseudonym.  So if you have them for yourself or your child, how did you come up with them?

Is it hard for you to keep it all real while using pseudonyms? Are you ever like, ” then *insert random pseudonym* said something hilarious today, and then he/she jumped over a rainbow while riding a tyrannosaurus rex.”  Totally joking about this whole paragraph, just for the clarification (sort of).

On a completely separate, but partially related, note:

Recently, I was reading an article discussing the most humiliating baby names of all time. The names were genuine, legal names reported in Census reports over the years. Some of them made me roll on the floor with laughter, and some of them made me feel worlds of sorry for the people stuck with these names.

• Acne Fountain
• Mary A. Jerk
• Ima Whore (I am so serious that this was on the list.)
• Fanny Whiffer
• Harry Pitts
• Lard Mooney
• Naught E. Bishop
• Leper Priest
• Kathryn E. Coli (born 1894)

The following are prank names that were used by Bart Simpons on the Simpons, but have actually been documented as the true legal names of individuals once existing.

• I. P Freely
• Oliver Clothesoff
• Anita Bath
• Hugh Jass
• Mike Rotch
• Maya Buttreeks
• Amanda Hugginkiss

I suppose if I had to be stuck with any of these names, I would probably pick Amanda Hugginkiss.  Since my name is Amanda already, and my last name begins with an ‘H’.

If you had to be saddled with any of the names in the lists above, absolutely had to, which would you pick? Would you go for a raunchier, more humiliating name for the comedic effect or the least damaging of the list?

Recently, I was perusing the various search terms that have served as a vehicle for people to arrive at this site. As usual, some of them are pretty outrageous, and all are quite hilarious.

• ‘Poop in my mouth‘ - You know, I’m wondering if this was a question or a demand. Was the person like, “Poop in my mouth?” or “POOP IN MY MOUTH!” I’m terribly curious. Either way, I’m sure the person did not stay for very long, because there is no pooping in mouths going on here.
• ‘What to eat to get leg hair’ -Oh, what a poor soul. I imagine this was some poor pubescent boy longing to have hair on his legs as long as his classmates. At least I hope so. Just in case he is searching again, *Cantaloupe will aid in leg hair growth.
• metallic pants - Once again, no! I will never wear or recommend metallic pants. I don’t care who, what, when, where, or why people occasionally claim they are in style, fashionable, or attractive in any way. I refuse to ever look like the tinsel of a Christmas tree. Just say no to metallic pants.
• slutty sorority songs-None here, but I do have a post about the time I dropped out of a sorority. I think it’s a good read.
• how to clean poop off of a sofa- Yes, unfortunately, I am familiar with the area of poop on sofas. And it was my former neighbor.
• pictures of red headed indians- Okay, for some reason, this one made me laugh really, really hard.
• i always watch secretly when my mom wears bra- I don’t even know where to start here. Send this person help, immediately.
• sleepwalking peed in my shoe- Okay, okay. I know why this one brought them here.
• wife tasers husband- This is always a possiblity. See search below.
• husband is messy- Um, yes, yes, and yes.
• tailbone strained from shoveling snow-no, you will find none of that here. But she is familiar with snow shoveling injuries.
• snoop dog best friend growing up- I have no idea about this one, dear sirs. However, I will shamelessly admit that I watch his show about being a parent on E! I will also shamelessly admit that I like the E! channel.
• don’t diss me sister- I love that someone searched this and it brought them here. I say the word ‘diss’ like it is going out of style, when in fact, it has probably been out of style for umpteen years.
• imitation genitalia-hahahahahahahaha.

*This is a complete lie. I have no idea if Cantaloupe would aid in leg hair growth, but I seriously doubt it. Someone had to give that poor boy some hope.

PS. If you haven’t entered my contest, there is still time. You can always donate the gift card to charity if you aren’t interested in it.

In lieu of any actual blog material, I’m going to post some tid-bits from Allie recently. The past few days have been insanely busy, and the craziness looks as if it intends to continue on into the weekend.

Allie: My booty’s kind of hurting.

Me: Why?

Allie: Well…I just been diggin’ it.

Me: Diggin’ it??

Allie: Yeah, you know, just diggin’ my crack.

Such a modest girl.  She takes after her father.
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Allie: Mom, will you take me to Hollywood?

Me: Hollywood? You’re three years old. What do you know about Hollywood?

Allie: That’s where Dolly Parton lives?!?

Me: OH, you mean Dollywood?

Allie: Yeah, that’s what I said. Dollywood. I love Dolly Parton.

Me: ?!?!?

Yes, for those of you that just tuned in, Allie has recently become a die hard Dolly fan?
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Allie: Mommy, I’ve got a baby in my belly?

Me: WHAT?

Allie: a baby. in my belly.

Me: you do? What sort of baby?

Allie: two of them. A brother and a sister.

Me: a brother and a sister for who?

Allie: just for my own self. *insert smug face*

Me: :Well, good luck  That’s the only way you’re getting a brother and a sister for the next few years.

Allie: whatever. *eye roll*

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Me: Allie, do you want to go outside and slide?

Allie: Your mom does.

Yes, I got your mommed earlier this week. Thanks, Adam.

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Sometimes I wonder if she has a snowball’s chance in hell of being normal. I sort of hope not. I love how quirky she is for just three, and I’m really happy that I’m raising my child in a house where laughter is the prevailing sound. I love my little crack-diggin’ girl.

In this post, I asked if you all would fill out some questions about yourselves. And several of you did, YAY!

1.) If you could skip any day of the week, which would it be?

Like many of you, I picked either Monday or Tuesday. Monday is just ridiculous, and Tuesday is so empty. I’m just ready for the weekend.

2.) What is your favorite book?

I don’t have an all around favorite. I love too many books to single just one out. So I guess this wasn’t a fair question to ask. *punches self in face*. When I was a child, my favorite book was ‘Brown Bear, Brown Bear’ if that counts.

3.) If you had lived back in the day when people though the Earth was flat, would you have been open to the new idea that Earth is actually round, or stayed with the old idea of flatness?

Oh, I would’ve been on the roundness like white on rice. Flat Earth? That is so jacked up.

4.) Can you roller skate?

I could, and I’m almost certain that this talent (?) is still one I possess. I loved roller skating back in the day.

5.) Are you right or left handed?

I’m a righty. My mother is a lefty. When I first started picking things up as a child and writing, I did so with my left hand, but everyone always placed the item in my right hand. I guess it stuck? I think that was sort of rude. If I wanted to use my left hand, I should’ve been able.

6.) What song do you most despise?

I hate ‘The Sign’ by Ace of Base. Or anything Phil Collins.

7.) What is the most embarrassing CD you own?
hmm, probably all of the Britney Spears CD looming in my garage.

8.) What one word can you NEVER manage to spell correctly without the assistance of spell check?
embarrass. I never spell this correctly. I always forget the double ‘r’.

8b.) What was the first cassette tape you ever purchased? (Not CD, cassette.)
Probably New Kids on the Block.

9.) What issue is currently bothering you the most?
My missing panties? Still MIA!
10.) Why do you visit Shamelessly Sassy? (Read: fishing for compliments to read after carrying massive boxes.)
To write my posts or see if things are aligning correctly.

11.) What is your greatest accomplishment?
My daughter. I’m always amazed that something so wonderful is from half of me. I’m sure I have a few other fabulous accomplishments like tying my shoes or finally hand washing a few dishes, but Allie is the greatest.

12.) Brag about yourself here. Why are you so awesome? (because you are, for sure. Particularly if you had good answers for (10).) What do you do best? What area are you the go-to person for?

I am really good at math. I’m also really handy to have around in awkward situations, or not. If you like inappropriate jokes in awkward situations, I am your go-to girl. I’m also a really good listener and talker. I can talk all day long. I’m also really good to watch movies with because that is one time that I do not talk (much). I’m also a very discreet snooper. That is all. (By the way, I realize that I was supposed to say ’snoop’ and not ’snooper’, but step back and look at the big picture.  Snooper is a much cooler word.)

We start the moving process today. So in a few hours, I will be without internet. My internet should be back within a few days. However, my cable company is quite sketchy, and that isn’t a guarantee. Anyhow, I just wanted to post this to let all know that if I go without posting for a few days, I haven’t kicked the bucket or met my maker or anything like that. I’m just moving.

Not that you spend extensive amounts of time worrying about me or anything. But I’m just saying.

Anyway, I picked up some new readers recently, and well, I think it’d be nice if you introduced yourselves and tell me a little about you. Old readers too. In case you have nothing to say, here are some questions I thought up, you can answer in the comments. And when I regain internet, I’ll answer them myself.

1.) If you could skip any day of the week, which would it be?

2.) What is your favorite book?

3.) If you had lived back in the day when people though the Earth was flat, would you have been open to the new idea that Earth is actually round, or stayed with the old idea of flatness?

4.) Can you roller skate?

5.) Are you right or left handed?

6.) What song do you most despise?

7.) What is the most embarrassing CD you own?

8.) What one word can you NEVER manage to spell correctly without the assistance of spell check?

8b.) What was the first cassette tape you ever purchased? (Not CD, cassette.)

9.) What issue is currently bothering you the most?

10.) Why do you visit Shamelessly Sassy? (Read: fishing for compliments to read after carrying massive boxes.)

11.) What is your greatest accomplishment?

12.) Brag about yourself here. Why are you so awesome? (because you are, for sure. Particularly if you had good answers for (10).) What do you do best? What area are you the go-to person for?

It would be awesome if some of you answered these questions. I’m really excited to see the results.

(Just in case anyone is internet challenged, the easiest way to go about doing this would be to copy and paste the questions into the comment section, and then answer below each one.)

My daughter has a history of mumbling funny and incoherent things in her sleep. It is almost a guarantee that if Allie wakes up in the midst of sleep she will mumble something hilarious.

A few nights ago this occurred:

“MOOOOOOOOOOM!!!”

“Yes, Allie?”

“I was just making sure that my Daddy isn’t going to jail.” (dead serious.)

“Um, No. Not to my knowledge, I don’t believe your dad is in any danger of being jailed. No jail for daddy.”

“Okay. I was just seein’ if he was going to jail.”

“No, Allie. No jail.”

The whole time I was thinking that it might actually be here  mommy  that could  be the one going to jail if daddy doesn’t start assisting in the packing. Because hey, I am not the owner of the household man-suits.

And then my thoughts progressed to WTF? And I hate to break out the W-T-F on the world wide web, even if it is just via capital letters. ‘WTF’ means business. Because, seriously, WTF?

But really, where do kids get this stuff? The subtleties of simple conversation are amazing sometimes. And maybe I’m wrong, but I find my toddler waking up in the middle of the night wondering if her by-the-book , law abiding citizen of a father was heading off to the clink quite hilarious.

I suppose it wouldn’t have been funny if my reassurance had not been enough, and she had segued into a midnight blur of toddler worry. But she didn’t, and I’m thankful.

Either way, I think this is the result of  all  of that time she’s spending with Cleek? I knew she was a bad influence from day one.

Okay, I wasn’t sure how in or out of line I was when I posted this. But seriously, this is something we need to discuss.

“Woman Goes for Leg Operation Gets New Anus Instead”

A German retiree is taking a hospital to court after she went in for a leg operation and got a new anus instead, the Daily Telegraph is reporting.

The woman woke up to find she had been mixed up with another patient suffering from incontinence who was to have surgery on her sphincter.

The clinic in Hochfranken, Bavaria, has since suspended the surgical team.

Now the woman is planning to sue the hospital. She still needs the leg operation and is searching for another hospital to do it.

Really, I try not to touch on odd news. Don’t get me wrong, I read it. Boy, do I read it. I can’t get enough of the cyclic craziness that is news of the strange. But posting about it is a whole other story.

Post worthy or not, how angry would you be if you went in for a leg procedure and came out with a new Anus instead? Personally, I’d be quite angry. I’m sure anyone would that didn’t need a new Anus.

I’m also sort of curious about if this was actually a ‘new Anus’ or just a remodel of the old one?

Perhaps this story should be renamed to ‘Woman Goes in for Leg Operation, Leaves with Remodeled Anus.” Because I highly doubt they just gave a her a brand new one. I’m sure it was more of a remodeling job.

Your thoughts? (I promise that is the last time you will ever see the world anus on this blog. It probably just got me kicked out of every mommy group I belong to on the world wide web. )

Familial obligation often leads me down many a strange path. Last Thursday night, that path led to a child’s birthday party that was being held in a smoke-filled bar where a multitude of rednecks were karaoking to gangster rap whilst surrounded by birthday balloons.

The truth of the matter is that I’d rather be beaten to death with a bag of hot nickels than ever relive this event.

You see, this restaurant is seemingly normal during the day. However, at some point when dark creeps in and the creepies crawl out, it turns into a seedy Karaoke Bar. It just so happened that the witching hour at which this transformation occurs was the same hour as birthday party. And that is more or less how I found myself in this place with my child attending another child’s birthday party.

It wasn’t the bar or the drinking at the 6 year old’s birthday party that was as alarming as the atmosphere itself. While I might have grown up in a very small country town, mass quantities of redneck tension all built up in one room always make me nervous–even in the midst of birthday cake! I’m serious. (I have trouble attending Country music concerts, because the mere thought of hundreds of rubes stumbling over me to touch someone’s guitar pick is sort of scary.)

Back to the party:

When I arrived, the lights were still on, giant speakers had yet to be set up, and it appeared as if this was a normal place. Then, not even five minutes after I’d been sitting, it all went to beans.

Not long after I ordered, the karaoke started and a bleached blond gal who called herself Wanda stepped up to the microphone to sing, “Did I Shave My Legs for This?” Aside from her sounding like a dying cat in hail storm, I guess it was an okay performance.

Additionally, 80’s Lady was busy doing the Electric Slide, which I thought had died out in the late 80’s and only still existed in the realm of middle school dances. But have no fear, Electric Slide fans, 80’s Lady is still representing for you all. You can always count on her to attempt to bring sexy back in her own strange little way. (Don’t worry she tried to do the Soulja Boy with all the young kids, also.)
Back to the story again:

Happy Birthdays were sang, gifts were open, and many of people were scarred for life. I had all but died and gone to redneck hell. My armpits were sweating, and I was half nauseous from all of the ‘ain’t’ s being thrown around.

Now that I think about it, I’m sure there were many other things going on around me that didn’t involve my sweating armpits. But when some couple walked with their sleeping baby in a car seat and sat it on the counter of the bar, I was on Mommy-watch and could no longer pay attention to anything else. If you’re a mother, you know what I mean. You probably even know what I mean if you have a pet. Maybe you have neither and know what I mean.

Mommy-watch is the stare you put on when there is an unattended child in an area, and for some reason, you noticed this child and feel completely obligated to his well-being. You have to watch this kid until you can pull yourself away, and hope his parents remember that he exits. It is very difficult to turn mommy-watch off.

Since this child’s car seat was literally sitting right on the bar, and his parents were off doing the Boot Scootin’ Boogy or some other god-awful line dance, I was visually babysitting him from 20 ft.away.

This went on forever. I can’t say I minded, because he was sleeping, and I half expected his mother to come over and ash her cigarette in his soft spot. At which point, I would’ve had to call her out (and I hate calling people out), and she would have stomped my ass, because she had someone’s name tattooed on her arm in Old English.

And well, I don’t mess with a girl that has anything tattooed on her arm in Old English. Unless she had ashed in his soft spot, then it would have been ON.

I kept trying to snap pictures of it with my camera phone, but it was dark, smokey, and once again, if this lady had caught me, I would’ve had to defend myself. And, while I say things ‘beaten to death with a bag of hot nickels’ and talk about poking people in the eye, I am not the least bit violent.

And the tattoo. It was just so manly. If it had a been a butterfly, I would’ve been less concerned. But Old English, man..she is tough. But I am pretty sure I could’ve beaten up the Kenny Chesney impersonator, that sounded more like goat getting hit by a car than a person, that she was carting around with her.

In the end, through out the bad karaoke, the beer soaked floor, my daughter being amazed (and inspired in the scariest way possible) by the karaokers, and the visual babysitting, all I could think about was that scene in ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ where Reese Witherspoon approaches her friend when she is back in her hometown and is all,

“YOU HAVE A BABY…………….IN A BAR!!!”

I love that movie.

You might be curious as to how one goes about attempting to accept crazy relatives, or maybe not. Either way, I’m going to let you in on it. Because honestly, if you’ve got crazies like 80’s Lady ringing your phone off the hook and bustin’ in your door at 10 p.m to tell you something stupid, then you need these steps.

1.) Denial and Isolation: At first, you may completely deny that you are related to this person by blood or marriage. It may seemed like fate dealt you a bad hand. Additionally, you might isolate yourself from the looney tunes. (Which, honestly, in some cases might be for the better..)

You might be saying to yourself, “Surely, this isn’t happening to me?”

Denial is particularly easy when they invite you attend their child’s birthday party…in a bar. (I promise this story is coming soon, and it’s so beautiful and completely reinforces the point.)

2.)Anger: Next, you might become deeply upset that you’ve been permanently linked to an idiot. Whether you were born into the family or it was a marital inheritance, it easy to be angry that that karma has decided to bit you in the hiney. Trust me, I understand.

Example: “This is SO not fair! Why did I get saddled with this basket case??”

This anger part really comes into play when the crazy relative fakes illnesses and calls every one in the family to let them know they have something bizarre like, “Oompa Loompa Syndrome”.

3.) Bargaining: At some point, you might begin making bargains, asking, “If I do *insert random good deeds*, will you please make *insert name of crazy relative* forget that I exist?”

Another example: “Just let me make it through this one family function…”

While attending the child’s birthday party–at the bar, I made several bargains about rewarding myself.

4.) The Blues: Maybe at some point, you become numb to the ridiculousness.

Example: “Ugh, *groan, spit kick!*”

Like last night, when 80’s Lady showed up at my house, because I wasn’t answering her calls just tell some new drama that has occurred in her life. After that, I developed the blues. I decided to become numb to her. Until, I woke up to her calling me again.
5.) Acceptance: Eventually, the anger and sadness you have as a result of feeling sorry for yourself for getting saddled with the looney tune will wear off. In the end, you have simply have to accept the fact that you are indeed related to the idiot. (Totally a lie.)

Example, “It’s going to be okay. Maybe they’ll get committed.”

I wish I had an example for this. But unfortunately, 80’s Lady has yet to put on her straight jacket.