Ambiguity: The other white meat.
- October 9th, 2009 2:15 am
Earlier today someone left a comment telling me I wasn’t funny anymore. Well, to be clear, the comment was more along the lines of you aren’t AS funny anymore. For a while, I was quite offended. Then I realized it is probably true. I’m not as funny here as I used to be. To be honest, I don’t like to share here the way I once enjoyed sharing. I don’t like to joke here in the ways I used to joke.
Once upon a time, I never worried about who was reading. When I did worry, I was all, “well, f*ck them if they are offended!” Lately, I’m in a place where I regularly worry about offending people. I regularly worry about hurting them or oversharing. I worry about a lot of things that aren’t necessarily myself.
These days, there are a lot of people reading that I would rather not read. Friends of friends, family, neighbors, etc. Somehow, in the grand scheme of things, it just changes it for me. It makes telling you about my strange encounters with people and things less fun. I can’t explain it or maybe I can and choose not to because of all things previously mentioned.
The thing is this: I’m not big on sharing. I’m not the sort of person that will randomly tell you my secrets. Sharing things with people is really hard for me. If I share something REALLY personal about myself with someone, it’s basically like the ’50’s equivalent of a girl getting ‘pinned’ by her sweetheart. I don’t do the sharey-sharey with people. It is very difficult for me. However, I used to love to share here or at least do whatever my hazed-out version of sharing is. you know, when this felt like my outlet. There are now people that read here and they are not necessarily people I would share with in every day life. They may be people I see frequently but they aren’t people I would share my marital or personal woes with. They are not people to which I would pour my heart out. It makes this place difficult.
I’m stuck right now with what to do with this place. I’m no longer shameless and I find it quite difficult to be sassy most days. But I hate quitting things. Even if I started a new blog with a new name, I would hate quitting this one. I hate discarding things as if they never existed when they were so good to me when they did. I hate feeling like I gave up on something. In fact, hating to give up is sometimes a crutch for never starting something else.
So that’s where I am. A state of confusion. Confusion about this blog is probably the least of my worries. I’m confused about my future in general. Where do I want to go from here? As a mother, as a wife, as a writer? as a person. Do I want to be a writer? Do I have what it takes? Do I want to go to graduate school for something completely random? Do I want to like broccoli? Do I want to share this? Do I want more children? Do I know where this is going? Do you?
Anyway. I think I’m going to spend this week thinking it over. I may end up starting somewhere new. Either way, I’ll let you know. It’s a decision I’ve been meaning to make for quite some time.
October 9th, 2009 @ 2:38 am
(((Hugs)))
I have been where you are now & while it sucks to give up an old spot, you can always archive it or download it to keep as your own documentation of life.
It’s not really starting over, either, it’s just a detour from the original path – which may get you faster to where you need/want to be. Whatever the decision, I’d love to walk the path with you.
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October 11th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
@sarah,
Sarah! You so wiiiiiiiise.
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October 9th, 2009 @ 5:05 am
I understand what you mean SO well. I feel the same way. But I have to say that I think it’s more important to be genuine than to be funny. And whoever posted that comment is probably not funny person herself, because someone capable of irony wouldn’t post something so bitchy.
Elisa´s last blog ..The quest for moderation, contentment and a 24-inch waist
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October 10th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
@Elisa, Unfortunately you got it all wrong, i didn’t mean it to be bitchy but to be constructive. I used to laugh all the time at the antics of the kid (s) because I could relate. It’s like having all your emails forwarded and someone read too much into the context and say see I told you and yet it wasn’t meant for you at all and that is how it was feeling, like a struggle to write something . However, Amanda hit the nail on the head when the pressure to reveal something makes it less fun to write about yourself. Hopefully you can understand the nudge…
outofworkmama´s last blog ..Ambiguity: The other white meat.
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October 21st, 2009 at 10:43 am
@outofworkmama, I understand you may have felt that way about it, however I feel that telling someone “you are not funny anymore” is kind of bitchy. I believe you when you say you didn’t mean it that way, but if you say you meant to be constructive it just makes you sound patronizing instead of bitchy. I don’t know that that’s better.
I’m not saying you are either one of those things – my point is that passing judgment on someone’s writing when they share something personal and stuff is not really nice IMO. We all struggle with expressing our emotions and with making our blogs something that someone else may like to read, and I think that being honest doesn’t have to translate into being harsh. Even “constructive” remarks can be hurtful.
Elisa´s last blog ..The sweet escape
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October 9th, 2009 @ 5:05 am
See I guess there is an upside to having almost no one read your blog! If anyone from my real life new I blogged well then Hells No I wouldn’t be able to do it anymore. So I keep that shit on the DL and my husband thinks it’s so nerdy that he would never out me. Well it’s 4am and I’m awake with a 4 week old so there’s a good chance none of that made sense but I’m going to live on the edge and hit publish anyways!
lovingdanger´s last blog ..And so it starts
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October 11th, 2009 at 10:56 pm
@lovingdanger,
Everyone I know in real life things it is super nerdy. So nerdy that they will rarely admit to reading it, yet seem to know everything I talk about on here. Bunch of punks.
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October 9th, 2009 @ 5:46 am
Man, I wish I had an easy answer to give you that would make this problem magically delicious and all that jazz but the truth is, I often feel the same way. I hope that you can figure out what you need this space to be or hey, maybe even find a new space. Whatever makes your happy, roomie.
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October 11th, 2009 at 10:57 pm
@Hilly,
Thanks, rooms. I appreciate the thought.
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October 9th, 2009 @ 7:42 am
I had this same problem with my old blog. I had family members that found it, and co-workers, and even some friends. Sadly, there were certain people in my life that found it that made me delete some of my old posts because I didnt’ want them reading them.
I quit blogging for a while, and discovered I missed it. It’s hard to be completely real and honest in your blog without people eventually finding out who you are. I started a whole new blog and began writing with a whole new attitude. Still not great material in comparison to other bloggers, but it’s just me. I don’t hide who I am, but I also don’t advertise to my friends and family that I’m blogging again.
Sincerely, Jenni´s last blog ..We Need Our Alice Back
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October 9th, 2009 @ 8:09 am
Good luck with whatever you decide….I’m sure it’ll be the right decision – which ever it is you make.
Kerrie´s last blog ..My Mom Broke My Kid
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October 11th, 2009 at 10:58 pm
@Kerrie,
Thank you!
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October 9th, 2009 @ 9:09 am
If you decide to start something new, you’re obviously not going to announce it here – how could you – and not have the people you DON’T want reading you following right along. Wait. Let me read that. Yeah, that makes sense. Okay. So I assume you’re going to start by notifying people who AREN’T on the ‘don’t fly’ list, by email, of the new address. So … I’m lou.lohman@gmail.com
lceel´s last blog ..sliced apples – a short short story
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October 11th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
@lceel,
Thank you. If I do start something else, I’ll definitely email you.
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October 9th, 2009 @ 10:50 am
I read your post and actually kinda teared…seriously…I am thinking about saying by by to my blog…my outlet…they way I let friends and family keep up to date with things in my life whether they were good or bad. I had some people leave strange comments on my blog..and I thought these people don’t know me, how can they judge me??? Well the point is they can do that because they don’t know me and too many people that don’t know me are reading my blog everyday now. Now don’t get me wrong I love meeting new bloggers(especially ones that tell it like it really is)!!! but this left me wondering who else is judging me that has no right too(in my opinion).
I post my good days, my great days, my hell days, and my really crappy so unfabulous mommy moments…now I am thinking like you maybe that is not such a good idea.
I thought about making my blog private..but that is such a pain for others that enjoy reading my blog.
So I am with you at the moment (as I am sure other bloggers are) do I continue, start something new, go private…or stop doing something I enjoy with the chance someone may leave a strange comment or not think I am a good person or mom for that matter.
I hope what ever you decide it is what makes you happy and is best for you. I think your posts are so funny and they leave me believing that people that are “real” really do exist in this world! Good luck
Jen Romero´s last blog ..Bella’s fabulous statement! Remember jelly bracelets??
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October 9th, 2009 at 10:51 am
@Jen Romero, …umm I meant to write bye bye…my coffee has not quite kicked in yet!
Jen Romero´s last blog ..Bella’s fabulous statement! Remember jelly bracelets??
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October 11th, 2009 at 11:00 pm
@Jen Romero,
Thank you for the comment. It is nice to know that someone else is experiencing something similar.
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October 9th, 2009 @ 12:16 pm
Good luck on finding a decision on what you want to do here or everywhere else!! It must be difficult to have to censure yourself in a space that used to be so freeing!
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October 11th, 2009 at 11:00 pm
@Courtney,
Thank you! It definitely is.
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October 9th, 2009 @ 12:18 pm
I say write what you want and fuck anyone who reads it and takes offense. This is YOUR space – don’t let anyone else control it for you.
Avitable´s last blog ..Signs that you are in a dangerous relationship
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October 11th, 2009 at 11:01 pm
@Avitable,
Best advice ever. Thank you.
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October 9th, 2009 @ 12:19 pm
i like you and have always liked your blog because you don’t share too much, and when you do, it’s mighty. i have a major respect for people who don’t over-share ~ being so open is common place now around the blogs ~ it’s not shocking anymore, rather, dull. i still feel like i get a good sense of your person though from your writing here and i like that ~ you’ve got a gift. that said, some people who are purely pictures, wannabe comedians and one-minute maximum writers are super dull in lamesville. i believe it’s all about the writer.
two things i posted on my blog last night might apply to you; i’m in sort of a self-exploration mode myself in preparation to go back to school next year
~ what would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?
and
~ sometimes you have to stop thinking so much and go where your heart takes you
things to ponder.
oh, and i’d say keep this blog regardless of what you decide; it’s a collection of excellent
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October 11th, 2009 at 11:02 pm
@Huckdoll,
Thank you. I always appreciate your comments. haha. Sorry, I just reread the first two sentences of what I wrote and realized how generic they sounded, but I do truly appreciate your comments.
-Amanda
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October 9th, 2009 @ 2:07 pm
i have felt this way for some time now. i was going to quit because i’ve lost readers but gained new readers. not that i don’t appreciate the new readers, but i would like the old ones back but then again, i wouldn’t read me anymore if i were one of the old readers because, i’m boring and sad and well, there is enough sadness out there so why read it anymore?
i then decided, i’m going to continue to be me. fuck the people who don’t like me anymore. fuck some of the ones that do (by meaning, the crazies). i simply refuse something i’ve been a part of for over 4 years because i’ve changed, evolved and am not that person i was then. sometimes i show a glimpse but sometimes i don’t. i’ve even started closing comments so no one feels like they have to say, “oh poor you.”
now that i have totally bogarded this comment, in closing i would like to say – don’t stop.
the end.:)
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October 11th, 2009 at 11:03 pm
@gorillabuns,
Thank you! Do have plans to go to Blogher ‘10? I do and hope to meet you there, if so.
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October 9th, 2009 @ 3:47 pm
I would honestly be sad if I couldn’t read you anymore. That is definitely not supposed to sound creepy at all…
However, I don’t think I could blog at all if certain friends and family found my blog.
I just write for the simple pleasure and release of writing. And I write on a blog because for some strange reason, it gives me a sense of satisfaction to send my thoughts and musings “out there”.
I hope that no matter what, you keep writing. Because I think you have a gift, and I think you’d go crazy if you didn’t. Just looking out for your sanity here.
Katie´s last blog ..Things You Should Know
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October 11th, 2009 at 11:04 pm
@Katie,
Thank you, Katie. I think I would go crazy without some sort of outlet.
-Amanda
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October 9th, 2009 @ 5:00 pm
I understand about how the blog has changed for you. Me, too. I now have many people reading that I never thought would read it. I’m more visible than I want to be.
I don’t want to quit my blog. It sill allows me to be silly and laugh at myself but I have reduced the postings and am very picky about what I write about.
Good Luck finding what you need with your writing! I always enjoy your postings.
ReformingGeek´s last blog ..Jersey Joe, The Gigolo
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October 11th, 2009 at 11:04 pm
@ReformingGeek,
Thank you!
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October 9th, 2009 @ 8:10 pm
Do what you have to do, but just be YOU…whether you’re shameless or sassy or NOT, be YOU. We all change as time passes – it’s not necessarily a bad thing.
pgoodness´s last blog ..Rough day
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October 11th, 2009 at 11:05 pm
@pgoodness,
Thank you for the comment. It’s pretty inspiring!
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October 9th, 2009 @ 8:17 pm
ew yeah having the Real Life People reading the blog definitely changes things. I hope you can figure out what makes you comfortable but still happy
Jen´s last blog ..favortweets, round #8
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October 9th, 2009 @ 9:59 pm
I think your blog has changed only in that you censor the things you talk about and you haven’t let your freak flag fly. But you are definitely still funny.
If you leave, take me with you! I would definitely miss you if you just up and disappeared. And I’d be pretty upset at having to devote hours to stalking you and tracking you down. Just make it easy on the both of us, ‘k?
Dingo´s last blog ..I’m Totally RAD
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October 11th, 2009 at 11:05 pm
@Dingo,
haha! I’ll do my best.
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October 9th, 2009 @ 10:25 pm
Try livejournal.com
you can lock your posts so they are friends only so that way you know who’s reading your journal. Only con is you might lose some readers who may not follow you to create an account there too.
I however loved your sassyness and I will follow you. I’d love to hear more sass!
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October 11th, 2009 at 11:06 pm
@Liz,
I actually blogged on livejournal privately for about 5 years before I started here. I loved it. I do something along those lines or put up a locked sub-blog on here.
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October 10th, 2009 @ 8:29 am
I don’t know if this will help, but I’ll say it anyway. Everyone’s blog goes up and down — in terms of how funny they are, how meaningful, interesting.
Blogs are like big versions of twitter (obviously). Some days, on twitter, I’m all in there with stuff to say, and some days it just doesn’t come. I’m not sure why it is. Maybe it’s simply that sometimes I want/need to express things and sometimes I don’t. And, this twitter business has really exposed the same tendency I have with my blogging. The ebb and flow of expression – but on a larger scale.
I have the same issues as you. People reading who I wish wouldn’t, and also my kids getting older (I don’t talk about them as much at all). So, I’m a little less personal than I used to be. But, I’ve managed to find a new niche. Even as it changes every day. The niche is in/with the readers who, for some reason, have stuck by me. I think about it often, like, “why the hell do you come here?” That’s when I feel the love…. you know? Forget about the unsupportive, useless comments. No one has to tell me I’m different than I used to be – good or bad – because I know it, and I’ve decided I don’t care. Because of COURSE you’re different. People change all the time, seasons change, our needs and interests change.
I hope that helps. I hope you don’t give up on this place and that you find a way to get shameless again – even if the wrong people are reading. Because life’s short – so these peeps really don’t matter at all. Show them how transparent you can be, how transparent they should be, how transparent they WISH they could be ….
That’s what I say! Hope that helps….Hugs!
Haley-O (Cheaty)´s last blog ..View from My Chest
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October 11th, 2009 at 11:07 pm
@Haley-O (Cheaty),
Thank you for the comment. I think my problem is that I know how much I’ve changed as a person since I started this blog. I’m trying to figure out where and how to go from here. Thanks again for the awesome comment. It was fabulous and very inspiring.
-Amanda
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October 12th, 2009 @ 4:16 am
Amanda,
I’m sorry to read about your current dilemma. I kind of know the feeling. My own is the “fun and flirty wedding and lifestyle” blog, but after my cousin was diagnosed with a form of blood cancer earlier this year it’s been hard to always be fun and/or flirty. I’ve kept references to blood cancers to a minimum, posting enough to raises awareness but not so much as to freak people out. It’s been a difficult balance figuring out how to evolve my blog with what has transpired in life. It’s a struggle but I think I’m doing ok, not great but am definitely doing my best. I think if you keep your current blog, as a reader and fan I will continue reading and enjoying because I’ll know you’re doing your best as you sort through your feelings. It may take practice, or a new blog, or reverting back to your original sassiness but whatever you choose it’s moving forward and evolving from where you are right now and that’s a good thing.
The Flirty Girl´s last blog ..The SF Meet the Dream Team Event Recap
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October 12th, 2009 @ 12:13 pm
Just promise you won’t disappear from the Internet, because I just recently found you & that would be SO UNFAIR.
People who take actual time out of their day to leave random, hateful comments on blogs are shit-eating assholes. The End.
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October 12th, 2009 @ 12:34 pm
I think you’re damn funny.
Adriane´s last blog ..Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal – ECK!
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October 12th, 2009 @ 1:03 pm
Oh. I so understand. I had to revamp my blog, archive what I didn’t want on a new subdomain, give myself a new theme and a new focus… and write in a different style.
What is it about accomplishing your goal (in my case, I earned my BA) that sends us spiraling into identity confusion?
Miss Ash´s last blog ..Here’s to the Crazy Ones
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October 17th, 2009 @ 5:50 pm
I could have written this myself. In fact I recently tried, but yours is better. I don’t want to give up “my tiny space” here in the blogosphere, but I don’t want certain people to intrude, and that’s exactly how it feels, like an intrusion.
But PLEASE, if you do change over to a different blog, I would LOVE to continue reading.
Mrs. Kitty´s last blog ..limbo
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