Deodorant Emergencies and other reasons I’m going insane
- November 19th, 2008 10:19 am
After I walked my daughter to her preschool class this morning, I realized that I had forgotten to put on deodorant when I had gotten dressed for the day. I’m sort of a paranoid freak about deodorant. I mean, I’m sort of a paranoid freak in general, but particularly so when it comes to deodorant.
It’s not that I have super heinous, high stench B.O or anything. But I am terrified of someone having to smell my raw armpit. Aren’t you? If someone has to smell the odor from my armpit, I want them to smell the awesome coconut and cocoa butter aroma that my deodorant cooks up after being put to use. Not the stuff my body tries to pass off as a presentable scent.
Aside: I once had a teacher who never wore deodorant, because she was sensitive to the smell of the chemicals in it. We were also forbidden to wear deodorant or any other product with a scent. While I am empathetic to the problems of others, it goes without saying that the class was miserable.
Anyway, with the aside aside, upon the discovery of lack of D.O, I decided to grab for my emergency deodorant tube and apply it right smack dab in the middle of my daughter’s school’s parking lot. After all, that was safer than applying it while driving. It was also safer than applying it in the parking lot of my own school.
Hold on: you might be wondering why I have an emergency tube of deodorant. Aside from my aroma paranoia, I have a husband that will use my D.O. if his runs out. A husband with armpit hair. When he uses my D.O, he accidentally, but maybe on purpose, leaves stray armpit hairs on it. Which is not only TMI and super gross, but it renders my deodorant useless. I can’t use it after the discovery of a stray pit hair. So until I get a new tube for inside, I have to use my emergency tube.
Back to business:
The only real problem with applying deodorant in a parking lot, particularly the one at my daughter’s school is that I live in a small town. The sort where if someone witnessed me applying my deodorant, it would be all over town. “Yeah, I saw Amanda putting on deodorant down at the preschool. When will she learn?”
“Have you seen Amanda lately?”
“Oh, yeah, I totally saw her slapping D.O for her B.O down at the preschool. Freak!”
I mean, maybe they wouldn’t be that harsh. But it would be spoken of, frequently probably. Spoken of until one of my best friend’s grandmothers heard of it, and then they would call me to tell me about it. You get the picture.
Still, chance of me being ratted out aside, I had to apply it. I could not go the rest of my day without deodorant, and at the time, the idea of applying it in a bathroom at school had not occurred to me. So I grabbed the emergency tube I keep in the glove compartment.
I looked around. I saw no one.
All stealth and ninja like, I eased the tube up the sleeve of my shirt. I applied it to my left armpit. Eased the tube out.
I looked around again. I was still in the clear. So I eased the tube up the sleeve on my right side. Just as I began applying it, I looked over to the left. The car parked beside me had tinted windows. So tinted that as I begin slathering my deodorant on, I failed to notice a lady sitting in the passenger seat.
As I finished applying the deodorant, I noticed her silhoutte agains the tint. At the same time, she also decided it was time she let me know that she noticed me. So she rolled down her window and shook her septuageneric finger at me. It was an ‘I can’t believe you just applied deodorant in the parking lot of your child’s school” type of shake.
But I had. So I did the mature thing. heh.
I rolled my eyes at her, backed up, and drove off.
Hey, at least my pits are stinking. And who is she to criticize me for deodorant application. After all, I’ve noticed plenty of old people who have given up the deodorant due to the thought that their superior armpits do not stink. They DO! No offense is intended if you are a septuagenerian that wears deodorant, you are clearly aware of your odor; but if you are one that has given it up because you feel as if your pits smell likes roses, feel free to be offended. They do not smell good or even okay. Your pits sans deodorant are particularly rank.
Honestly, people who think they do not need deodorant are harboring a strange strain of superior. You need it; you need it; you need it. I need deodorant, and so do you.
And I will put it on any damn where that I please.
November 19th, 2008 @ 10:30 am
A girl CANNOT be without deoderant. I’m so paranoid about smelling like ass, that I might just be an Over-applier. To the point of where my husband, Candy Ass, refers to me putting on deoderant as “fumigating.” (I use the spray kind & he cannot enter the bathroom for a good 10 minutes after said application. It’s toxic.)
Undomestic Divas last blog post..Winner
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November 19th, 2008 @ 10:32 am
I don’t stink as I avoid anything that involves sweating. HA!
Stephanies last blog post..The Chosen One
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November 19th, 2008 @ 10:39 am
I’m so paranoid I use both a roll on AND an aerosol!
derfinas last blog post..Sharing
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November 19th, 2008 @ 10:39 am
But, isn’t the deoderant REALLY COLD from being in your car?
Rhis last blog post..Wherein I solve menopause
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November 19th, 2008 @ 10:53 am
The first sign that I had returned to the world of the living following my new motherhood zombie state was the regular application of deodorant.
Thanks for brightening my (otherwise really gloomy) day.
Sadias last blog post..Seeing what others see
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November 19th, 2008 @ 11:17 am
This post cracks me up! I have a spare too…2 actually! One in my car and one in my purse!
You are too funny!
Stephanies last blog post..MADONNA and more!
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November 19th, 2008 @ 11:19 am
I use that weird “Crystal” deodorant that isn’t as much deodorant as it is a rock you wet and then rub under your arm! I was quite skeptical at first but I will tell you that even my big smelly husband doesn’t have stinky pits after a long day! IT”S CRAZY!!!!
The only downfall is that if for some reason it’s not quite wet enough it basically tears your pit into a million pieces!
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November 19th, 2008 @ 11:35 am
Note to self: put spare DO in car, brilliant
Yep, my husband steals mine as well and he is one hairy man. It totally skeeves me out. I caught him using my razor in the shower yesterday on his hairy back. Almost grounds for divorce…if the kids didn’t like him so much…I kid.
I once lived with a boyfriend who wouldn’t think twice about using my toothbrush. I kept many, many spares handy. Yep, that’s one of the many reasons why I didn’t marry HIM. Well, that and the porn calls on our phone bill, on my birthday, while I was sleeping in the next room. Ahh…memories.
Ashlie- Mommycosms last blog post..Using Google Alerts to monitor your blog’s buzz
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November 19th, 2008 @ 12:19 pm
I live in a small town too, I hate it.There is nothing worse than knowing if you do something everyone in town will know about it.
justmylifes last blog post..What the Hell was I thinking?
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November 19th, 2008 @ 12:20 pm
I keep a bag of “stuff” in the van with me at all times. Shaving gear, toothbrush, mouthwash, deodorant…I completely understand.
morethananelectricians last blog post..Not the FOUR you were hoping *four*
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November 19th, 2008 @ 12:29 pm
At least she didn’t catch you picking your seat…
Eternal Sunshines last blog post..Oops, forgot the title…
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November 19th, 2008 @ 12:33 pm
I totally get you! I have no sense of smell, so I’m CONSTANTLY paranoid that I reak. I slather that stuff on as often as I can!!
dcokequeens last blog post..I’m hot for teacher!
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November 19th, 2008 @ 12:49 pm
WTF?? That old lady actually shook her finger at you?? What for?! It’s not like you were doing something bad! What a crazy old bat! I would have told her to get a life!
Grey Streets last blog post..Slow Moving Monday
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November 19th, 2008 @ 12:54 pm
I can’t believe she shook her finger at you – Seriously?! Now, my question is how do you keep your deodorant from melting in your car? Mine will end up all jacked if I leave it in there too long…
kels last blog post..Home
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November 19th, 2008 @ 1:14 pm
That’s funny. And folks, deodorants do have expiration dates.
ReformingGeeks last blog post..Home Improvement Craziness #1
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November 19th, 2008 @ 2:49 pm
I’m sure the world appreciates your application of DO. You could be caught doing a whole lot worse things, adjusting yourself, scratching and / or sniffing something inappropriate, fondling of something…the list goes on. I just found your blog, quite funny, I need to go back thru archives but I read the candy cigarette one, that is funny!!! And so, forever more, I shall stalk you
Camerons last blog post..He’s a Crazy Man
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November 19th, 2008 @ 2:57 pm
I keep a spare tube in my car. In case somehow I leave the house without applying. Apparently I’m a freak about deodorant also. Thanks for the realization, because I’m not enough of a freak as it is. shite.
Rheas last blog post..A goddess, a bird or a moon.
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November 19th, 2008 @ 3:12 pm
First of all, Adam…. STOP using Amanda’s D.O.! That is seriously rank and nasty, and hits me in my gag reflex.
Secondly, thanks for the sweet compliment on my new template!
Mrs. Kittys last blog post..why didn’t somebody tell me earlier?!
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November 19th, 2008 @ 3:25 pm
I have a stick of deodorant in my car, in my office AND in the babys back pack.
Kims last blog post..Weekly Winners – My Boy & His Toys
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November 19th, 2008 @ 3:29 pm
OMG I think you’re my long lost sister. How can someone not wear deodorant? That is so freakin’ gross! That said from someone who’s Spouse has NEVER worn it. Yeah, we’re separated now and that’s one of the reasons, I swear. Gross.
Susans last blog post..Point to Susan; Loss to Dawn Bicker
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November 19th, 2008 @ 3:31 pm
Not that I’m being accusatory or anything, but if you take a shower every day, doesn’t that obviate the need for deodorant? I mean, if you’re clean, yo don’t stink, right? It’s like changing your underwear. If you change your underwear everyday, like you’re supposed to, then you seriously reduce the chances of having skid marks, right? Same thing with showers – every day – no deodorant is necessary.
lceels last blog post..An Irish Tale
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November 19th, 2008 @ 3:54 pm
Wait that lady seriously cared that you put deodorant on the in car? She obviously never had a toddler. I’m just impressed that you have a backup D.O. in the car! Way to plan ahead!
Jens last blog post..just one of the reasons we let her keep living here
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November 19th, 2008 @ 4:01 pm
Too funny! Yay for your spare tube of D.O! I would have given the cranky old cow the universal salute and drove away
tee hee.. thanks for sharing.
Jen @ candles love soys last blog post..Sweet New *Sparkle Candles*
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November 19th, 2008 @ 4:02 pm
Wow what a judjy town you live in
I am not afraid to put deodorant on if I forgot, or in my car before a job interview for the little boost of coverage.
I worked at Toys R Us a few years ago, and the only guy who happened to fit the Geoffrey costume was the one guy who was ‘allergic’ to deodorant. I will gross you out further by saying they never drycleaned the suit. At least not in the 11.5 months I worked there. I mean c’mon! They make unscented deodorant for a reason!
(ps. I think sharing deodorant is icky too!)
Jacklyns last blog post..Useful tip!
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November 19th, 2008 @ 4:11 pm
confession. i RARELY wear deodorant. i have this weird body thing where i don’t sweat. like ever. it’s 120 degrees outside and i can be wearing a hoodie and not be sweating. an hour at the gym and my face doesn’t even get red. it’s a weird family thing. my mom has it too. and i just don’t smell. which is funny, because i have a really, really sensitive sense of smell and hate when other people don’t smell nice.
we can still be friends, right? right? RIGHT?
.
alis last blog post..more than a one-armed paper hanger
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November 19th, 2008 @ 4:56 pm
I always have a spare tube, thanks to the Dove 2-pack! I actually have been known to have a spare in each purses that I frequently use. The other morning, my DO in the bathroom broke, so I went to my black purse and that one broke too! Luckily, I had my 2nd spare and it’s all good.
ashs last blog post..The Parenting Outlook.
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November 19th, 2008 @ 5:41 pm
1. How long have you been waiting to use the word, Septuagenarian? It’s a fun word! I also love Octogenarian.
2. I thought I was the only freak who had an emergency stash of D.O. in my glove box. Many days, my kids are fully outfitted for anything that might come up at school. Lunch, check. backpack, check. jacket, check. extra lunch money, check. But for some reason mom can’t even remember to de-stinkify herself.
Texan Mamas last blog post..Out of the Mouths of Babes
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November 19th, 2008 @ 5:46 pm
I totally keep an emergency tube in the glove compartment. So glad to know its not just me.
punk rock moms last blog post..Chicano Art So Bad Ass. Cheech Doesn’t Even Own
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November 19th, 2008 @ 7:06 pm
I would so rather smell natural aroma than chemicals. Someone who showers every day should not offend. Someone who wears a load of chemicals? Makes my throat swell up.
witchypoos last blog post..Recycled Toilet Story
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November 19th, 2008 @ 7:42 pm
I totally forgot deodorant today. I broke my hand a couple of weeks ago, so personal grooming habits that one takes for granted with all your normal limb usage have become SO hard. Try brushing your teeth with your non dominant hand. Tricky, right? So this morning I was brushing teeth, attempting to style my hair, putting lotion on my face, blah, blah, blah. And I just forgot! In all the stress of just getting stuff done, that step was missed.
And, yes, I was paranoid all day that someone would tell me that I stunk, but, fortunately, no one did. Even though I did kind of stink…ewww.
NGSs last blog post..45 x 365 #24
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November 19th, 2008 @ 8:04 pm
I think we’ve had this conversation before, but I keep a reserve stick in my car, too. I’m known for forgetting, especially when I’m on a trip.
Sistas in B.O. stank!
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]s last blog post..Wordless 11.19.8: Sick Bear
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November 19th, 2008 @ 9:25 pm
I’ve done that over and over again!!! Ha-ha
Mandys last blog post..Fun Day Off for Veteran’s Day
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November 19th, 2008 @ 9:30 pm
I actually just use a crystal stick. Sometimes if I’m nervous about it, I just go in the bathroom stall and wait for every to leave. I’m glad I don’t live in a small town, I think I’d do random things just to get people talking!
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November 19th, 2008 @ 9:38 pm
I keep a tiny deodorant in my purse, and I have an entire STASH of beauty products – deodorant, hairspray, toothbrush, toothpaste, dental floss, mascara, and perfume!
So your plight doesn’t seem so dire to me – it seems normal!
and that old lady in the car? Who is she shaking a finger at?? Let’s be glad you ARE wearing deodorant! 
Mellys last blog post..Clean Machine
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November 19th, 2008 @ 10:31 pm
How bizarre! If you can’t put on emergency DO in your own car, where the hell CAN you put it on?
What is this country coming to anyway?
dysfunctional moms last blog post..Wordless Wednesday ~ It Should Be Illegal…
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November 20th, 2008 @ 12:42 am
LMAO. Another classic, shamelessly sassy post! You express self righteous indignation better then anyone I know. Love this story
This was my favorite line:
“All stealth and ninja like, I eased the tube up the sleeve of my shirt.”
The Flirty Girls last blog post..I’m Kicking Ass and Taking Names! Woo Hoo I’m One of the "Best of the best" Bloggers on Alltop.com
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November 20th, 2008 @ 1:21 am
I have major body odor issues, as in I am always terrified that I stink. I’ve been known to have a full-fledged meltdown if I catch so much as a whiff of onions or fish that MAY or MAY NOT BE someone’s lunch. One time someone’s broccoli had me thinking that I’d shit my pants. I am THAT paranoid.
There’s no shame in being prepared with emergency deodorant! I too carry around emergency toiletries – lip balm, antibacterial wipes, toilet paper, lotion and mints. As you can imagine, I have a huge purse.
Jennifers last blog post..Hold on to Your F**king Hat
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November 20th, 2008 @ 1:55 am
Yes, deoderant is a must for all at all times. I don’t care where you apply it, just so long as you do it. Nobody, and I mean nobody, smells as good as they think they do. Just sayin’.
stuckinmypedalss last blog post..Frank’s Revenge
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November 20th, 2008 @ 7:30 am
That is so me. I freak out if I forget to be DO on. I have like ten tubes of it now because I tend to buy one whenever I forget and then forget to leave it in my car for my emergency tube.
mels last blog post..Where did I go…?
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November 20th, 2008 @ 9:34 am
Who cares what that old lady was thinking! At least you were actually wearing deodorant! Luckily for me, hubby uses aerosol deod, so no hairs on my tube. You know, the kind where there is no way you can breathe once he has sprayed what he deems necessary. I stay far away from the bathroom when he is using that stuff.
Gibbys last blog post..Those Funny Remarks Kids Are Serious About #2
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November 20th, 2008 @ 10:54 am
I have spares everywhere. My desk, my purse, my car, EVERYWHERE. I also buy alot of perfume..and keep some at work and home and in my purse. Obsessive much? Yeah, but hey, I don’t smell…and people always say, “Gosh Tiff, you smell SO good.” Well, duh, I just put deoderant on at my desk…you likey?
As for the old chick waggin’ her finger at you…piss off! LOL At least you have the coconutty smelling arm pits, and she’s just got a sour puss expression.
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November 20th, 2008 @ 11:29 am
haha, that was a really funny story!
I know exactly what you mean. I have a spray D.O that is the only one to work for me, all others fail. freshness all day doesn’t work with me unless I.have.that.one. So I have to keep a special canister everywhere. one in the car just in case, one at the office, one in the bathroom and one in the bedroom just in case the bathroom is occupied.
it’s not that I’m a sweat drenched pig, it’s just I know how you feel, worrying about if you’re the one that stanks can put me off everything else. I keep surreptitiously sniffing people to see if it’s them.
this is a funny blog, I read some other posts and your CL description is true, you are a big pile of awesome!
Andy Baileys last blog post..Mashable voting opened and CommentLuv is a nominee!
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November 20th, 2008 @ 11:42 am
Oh my, this is AWESOME. P.S. While I don’t have an emergency tube in the car (what if it melts? ACK!), I do keep one in my drawer at work. Ya know, IN CASE!
Stephanies last blog post..Still avoiding my problems. And work, apparently.
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November 20th, 2008 @ 8:52 pm
yes we can!!!
yes we can!!
UrbanVoxs last blog post..WTH just happened????
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November 20th, 2008 @ 11:20 pm
Can you please give us your opinion on deodorant vs. antiperspirant?
I have an ongoing argument with my darling husband on this point.
Rees last blog post..Steelhead Red
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November 21st, 2008 @ 1:41 am
And my mother thought I was the only nutbar that kept and emergency tube of D.O…..I feel so vindicated!
Mad Womans last blog post..Motel Mayhem – Starring……..
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November 21st, 2008 @ 8:22 am
Wow!
Someone flipped you the bird because you took anti-smelly measures?!
Maybe she was angry. I mean, being that uptight – no wonder her finger smelled.
I know! I know!
I’m just sayin’ ..
Paoties last blog post..Deaf People Hear Voices
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November 21st, 2008 @ 9:04 am
I went at saw Twilight last night.
The end.
PS. I married Edward. Do not try to steal him. We are vampire lovers and I don’t share well with others.
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November 21st, 2008 @ 11:12 am
I gagged when I read about the stray pit hair! LOL!
I too have emergency deoterant in my car. It’s a must. And I hate when I go to class and it’s like 4000 degrees in the room and I start to smell myself, WITH THE DEOTERANT ON. Hence the emergency stick in the car. And I am not ashamed at all to put it on in my school parking lot. Screw ‘em!
Danielle-lees last blog post..Karma is a bitch, but a stupid one
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November 22nd, 2008 @ 5:04 am
Stupid old woman was probably asking for some of your deodorant. Or a bitch slappin’
Kelleys last blog post..Adventures in babysitting
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November 22nd, 2008 @ 10:59 am
LOL! My dh is always telling me to be quiet when we run across people without deodorant in a store. Is it so bad to direct them to the deodorant aisle?
Renes last blog post..Total Drama Island
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November 22nd, 2008 @ 1:17 pm
It’s too bad you didn’t have an old empty whiskey bottle to tip up at the finger shaker.
Also, I’m seriously impressed that you had DO with you.
shondas last blog post..Dear Axl, Dreads Ain’t For Gingers
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November 22nd, 2008 @ 6:18 pm
Well, I was thinking about all the other things I’ve done in a car that folks might not appreciate witnessing unintentionally, but deodorant application isn’t one of them.
I’d show up every day to that parking lot and slap on the D.O. just for the fun of it!
Kels last blog post..More baby steps
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November 23rd, 2008 @ 12:14 pm
luckily (and somehow) i don’t sweat or stink hardly at all until hours after not wearing deodorant (i have forgotten once or twice, i will admit) but i still kind of freak out when i realize i haven’t put it on. i feel NAKED or something without it. quite odd.
kalens last blog post..At the Aquarium
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