The Years of the Monster
- November 3rd, 2008 5:30 pm
When I was five, my mother married a monster of a man, the scariest person I had ever met. She was married to him until I was seven. It is safe to say that I spent those two years of my life scared of my own shadow, and I think I’ll spend the rest of my years recovering.
The monster spent a large portion of his time punching holes in the walls that mother tried to hold up single handedly. He also threatened daily to drive us off of a local bridge or back the car into the local lake with us inside.
(I still hate that lake.)
The monster was full of mostly empty threats, and he was eaten up with heavy doses of crazy. Even his eyes looked crazy, always opened as wide as he could possibly muster. As far as staying went, the last year and a half of the marriage, my mother stayed with him out of fear. Live with him or else he might really drive us off of a bridge or burn our house down with us inside.
With the monster, you never knew.
For those two years, I felt as if I would never get out from under his thumb. At age 6, I felt like our lives, particularly the end of them, were resting firmly in his hands. I didn’t think I would see my tenth birthday. Most likely I would be sitting at the bottom of the lake in a car with my mother and my younger brother. Feeling as if I might have died in the near future was a part of my everyday life, and it was so miserable. It was nothing that a girl of five, six, and seven should ever have to do. I knew that.
Luckily, the monster never managed hit me. That doesn’t mean he didn’t try. I was small and fast. I excelled at running and hiding from him. The only time he came close I had warm salt water in my hand, I had just lost a tooth. So I threw it in his face. That was that.
For a monster, he could be quite cowardly. Yet it seemed as if he would be there forever.
Finally, one day, after a hole too many was punched in the wall, my mother told him we were going to the grocery store. Instead, she drove us to a the local state police post. It was the salvation I had been waiting for. Like we had found religion or something even better.
Unfortunately, the monster was on to my mother’s escape plan. As she drove a town away, he chased us with a shotgun in his passenger seat. He was right behind us, and my mother went as fast as our station wagon would take us. We swerved at speeding rates through a local park, through red lights. It was like a chase scene from a bad 80’s, redneck movie.
But we lost him, and we made it to the police post in time. The police took over at that point, and we never saw him after that. We moved. We changed school systems. My mother changed jobs.
He was erased, or maybe we were.
It is safe to say that being away from the monster was the biggest relief of my life. I could finally breathe. I am breathing right now because of it.
Growing up, I worked really hard on erasing those two years from my life. They are almost completely gone, but sometimes I feel as if I need to scrub harder.
We don’t talk about them. My mother, my brother, or myself. We don’t mention them.
Because, well, who wants to?
How would it come up in conversation?
“oh, do you remember those few years when you were married to that big pile of crazy, and we always thought we were going to die? *insert laughter* oh, me too! you gotta love a psychopath!! *insert smiles*”
It just doesn’t work that way.
I never talk about the nights that I fell asleep paralyzed by the fear that when I woke up, my mother might not. A word isn’t mentioned about the period of time when finding holes in our walls was normal, and finding pictures to cover them up was necessary. I don’t talk about those things, because at the end of the day, it truly feels better not to.
These days I live about a mile from that particular lake. I never visit it, and the thought of swimming in it makes me sick. I’d rather swim in the urine of 100,000 strangers (which I would be doing if I did swim in the lake). Meanwhile, I have an unnecessary fear of bridges, but at least it has a foundation: I thought I would spend my tenth birthday nestled beneath one.
The night that the monster finally went away, my brother and I slept in my mother’s waterbed. We were all curled up, spooning as the water swished back and forth beneath the soft velour blanket. I remember falling asleep to the sound of my mother chanting that was she was sorry and everything would be okay
She was right. So far, it has been just fine.
November 3rd, 2008 @ 5:37 pm
She did the right thing, obviously. Each time you write about her, you make her sound stronger and stronger!
ashs last blog post..The Unintentional Drama Queen.
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November 3rd, 2008 @ 5:50 pm
Wow. I’m so sorry for the incredible pain you lived through. But you lived through it. Thank goodness. That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
karens last blog post..Time Is Not Money
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November 3rd, 2008 @ 6:03 pm
I know what it is like to live in terror, and not have a voice. I’m so happy that it isn’t grasping it’s nasty fingers into your adult life.
witchypoos last blog post..NaBloPoMo No
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November 3rd, 2008 @ 6:22 pm
Excellent entry. You make me very thankful for my over-protective mother and my whole insulated childhood.
Donna Ws last blog post..Once we left Arkansas….
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November 3rd, 2008 @ 6:22 pm
Powerful post, A. I’m glad your family got away alive and well.
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November 3rd, 2008 @ 6:33 pm
Wow…that’s a really powerful story. I’m glad you, your mom, and your brother were able to get out.
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November 3rd, 2008 @ 6:34 pm
I’m so sorry you and your family had to endure that. No child should have to. Your mom did the right thing, I ‘m so glad things turned out the way they did.
Mrs. Schmittys last blog post..So Much For Concealer
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November 3rd, 2008 @ 7:09 pm
Your story is so touching! I am going to be repititious and say that I am glad your mom did the right thing, and that you’re all ‘ok’.
Jacklyns last blog post..Mass Privitization…
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November 3rd, 2008 @ 7:12 pm
Wow, thanks for sharing this powerful story. I’m glad that your Mother got you all out of there.
Lottifishs last blog post..Halloween
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November 3rd, 2008 @ 7:17 pm
Wow, beautifully written. I am so glad you were all able to get away safely and break the cycle. Thanks for sharing such a personal story.
Hockeymans last blog post..The World is Watching
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November 3rd, 2008 @ 7:42 pm
Oh my God. This was unbelievable. I can’t believe you lived through this. I’ve dealt with monsters before, but I was old enough and made my own decisions. This, this, no one should be subjected to. Hug your mama close, girlie. She did the best for you. Thanks for this.
steenky bees last blog post..Fattie: Week 3
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November 3rd, 2008 @ 7:43 pm
Whoa. that is a BIG story.
I have to ask you this. I have to.
Do you resent your mother for getting involved with this guy in the first place? Are you angry she brought him into your life? Are you pissed off AT ALL? Sure she was a victim too…but do you have any hard feelings about how she caused this to happen to you?
I know you don’t talk about it with her. But I think you should. At the very least, it is mega healthy you are discussing it here. Acknowledging your fear and terror. The horror of it.
My heart breaks for all children-past, present, future who must endure such monsters.
hug. from me.
The Glamorous Lifes last blog post..Check it out.
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November 3rd, 2008 @ 7:49 pm
Wow. I can’t really elaborate. Just wow.
A Whole Lot of Nothings last blog post..Nervous Flop Sweats
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November 3rd, 2008 @ 7:56 pm
I’m so glad your mother had the courage to leave. So many women don’t. How scary for you and your brother.
(
Rheas last blog post..Not even pretend?
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November 3rd, 2008 @ 8:20 pm
wow, so glad that you all came out of it alive !!! it is hard to imagine all those children and women who are stuck in scenarios like that right now.
feeners last blog post..better late than never
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November 3rd, 2008 @ 8:40 pm
Thank you for sharing this story. Perhaps your story will give someone the strength to leave a similar situation. I am so happy that you mother had the courage to leave and you came out without physical harm. And it sounds liek you continue to work through the emotional harm that was caused by the monster.
Renée aka Mekhismoms last blog post..Congratulations!
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November 3rd, 2008 @ 8:51 pm
All I can say is I am sooooooo sorry.
Bridges last blog post..Just naBLOpomo me…
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November 3rd, 2008 @ 9:02 pm
I never knew the terror you’re talking about–but I did know a fraction of it which makes we feel even sorrier for what you went through.
Jenn @ Juggling Lifes last blog post..Assertiveness Training–Jenn Style
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November 3rd, 2008 @ 9:03 pm
Wow – I can’t even begin to imagine, but I’m glad you survived it and are here today. The world is a much brighter place with you in it.
~K
Kels last blog post..Monday Madness – Election Foe Pa’s
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November 3rd, 2008 @ 11:06 pm
Although you were so young, you were also so very strong. I can’t say what I would have done in the situation but throwing that cup of salt water at his face right before he was going to hit you is brave. So very brave. Your mother, taking you and your little brother away from his reach, is so very brave. I know you know that.
Rachies last blog post..To celebrate his birthday:
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November 3rd, 2008 @ 11:25 pm
There are a lot of “monsters” in this world. I am glad you got away from from yours, early enough for you not to be physically harmed. Some mothers run from one “monster” to another.
morethananelectricians last blog post..Pressure? Not me!
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November 4th, 2008 @ 1:12 am
Crap- thank god your mother left and you escaped that awful situation. It must have been terrifying…
I think the fact you have shared your story and your families story will inspire women who are stuggling in similar situations to find the courage to leave…
Lulus last blog post..Veggie garden…
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November 4th, 2008 @ 2:04 am
That just made me so proud of your mother. Good for her, for getting out, not only for herself, but for you and your brother.
You are right, you survived it, and everything is just fine.
Heathers last blog post..Open Letter #5: A Letter To Many
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November 4th, 2008 @ 2:51 am
Wow, I’m so glad you all made it out in time.
My ex had major anger issues, and we had the holes in the walls, broken belongings, etc. It sucked.
dysfunctional moms last blog post..My Kids’ Halloween
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November 4th, 2008 @ 3:08 am
Incredible story. Wow. That was a brave post. Kudos to your Mom for getting herself, you and your brother OUT.
Wow again.
goodfathers last blog post..No revisions
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November 4th, 2008 @ 8:18 am
It is definitely hard living with a monster. My Mom was married to one (my Dad for 9 years) and then believe it or not, I followed in her footsteps and married a monster myself. Now my Dad wasn’t mean to me, just my Mom. The monster that I married however was just mean and on drugs to boot. My neighbor and I had a special signal if I was in trouble to knock really loud on the wall and she would call the police. Bad thing is I could never make it over to THAT wall. He would keep me from it. I had to constantly defend my daughter from him. She was so at ease when we finally got a divorce after 5 years of the mess. He still didn’t ease up after the divorce though. He tried to run us off the road with my child in the car with me. Needless to say he got arrested several times for domestic issues and can never own a gun again in his life.
It is very hard to leave a person like this because you are scared with them, but you are extra scared of what they will do if you do leave them. Your Mom was very smart and brave to get out of the situation. I feel for you too. I have not been able to get things that I saw and witnessed as a child out of my head. My child is 13 now and she seems to be ok right now. I hope by my staying in it so long doesn’t hurt her in the long run. I thought about that while I was in the situation, but so scared to leave. He even took her away one weekend without telling me where or for how long. MISERABLE FEELING!!!!
Anyway, I feel you girl and am so glad that you were able to make it out alive and able to talk about it. You and your Mom are strong women. Little Allie will be extra strong because of you.
Mandys last blog post..Please Vote
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November 4th, 2008 @ 8:18 am
Good gravy Sassy….you have my heart all aflutter for you. No child should ever have to live through that kind of fear in their own home. Your mum was very brave to escape…so many others never find that courage. I hope that one day you can completely scrub the monster from your memory.
Lucys last blog post..Boo!
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November 4th, 2008 @ 9:13 am
Wow, Thanks for sharing that. You and your mother are both remarkable women…
Eternal Sunshines last blog post..And the winner is…
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November 4th, 2008 @ 9:23 am
No child should have to live through that sort of thing. There are men who embarrass me – who make me sorry that we have an organ in common. Men who make me feel as though all men should apologize to the women and children they have terrorized – because those idiots, those monstrous abominations, have made it difficult for all men to relate to those women and children at a level of trust – because thanks to them, they trust no one. Thanks to them those women and children are scarred for life by their actions. I am sorry. Any man worth his salt, that you will ever meet, is sorry. Honestly. Most of us are really decent people.
lceels last blog post..Election Day
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November 4th, 2008 @ 9:42 am
Mean People Suck!!
I was saddened to hear about your family going through such Hell at the hands of some horrible monster!
I’m picturing all of the ways that Karma could have come back to bite said bastard in the butt….
Flesh Eating Virus?
Falling off of a balcony 50 feet and landing full on to a cactus which has 5″ thorns?
Going to Prison and being forced to be the scariest guys bitch?
The list is endless…
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November 4th, 2008 @ 10:24 am
oh my god amanda, i can’t believe that you & your family had to experience something like that. you & your brother, at such a young age too. wow. i got serious goosebumps while reading this post ..i can’t even imagine going through what you did.
HUGE kudos to your mom for standing up for you guys & getting the heck out of there!
jordans last blog post..my ongoing obsession with photobooth.
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November 4th, 2008 @ 10:54 am
Amanda. I can’t imagine what that must have been like. *hugs*
Your Mom was brave to get you all out of there.
I feel very shallow complaining about my childhood, which involved nothing more than emotionally crippled parents.
Sadias last blog post..Halloween
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November 4th, 2008 @ 11:30 am
Thank God you got out of there in one piece. Your mother sounds like a very brave woman to yank you and your brother out of there. I can’t imagine the pain you must have felt over the years, but at least you’re looking backward at it and not still living it.
Carolyns last blog post..Sap, Party of One?
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November 4th, 2008 @ 11:55 am
Isn’t it sad that sometimes the monsters in our childhood lives are real? I had 2 monsters in mine. It’s because of these monsters that I fight EVERY day to give my kids a “NORMAL” childhood because no child should ever be put through the things you and I have been through. I’m greatful daily that your mom did the right thing and got ya’ll out of there. (Even though I don’t technically “know” you, I’m greatful that you all are alive and healthy.)
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November 4th, 2008 @ 12:44 pm
Wow. That’s crazy. Mr. C has similiar mom-married-crazy-guy stories, but luckily he was big enough at the time to stick up for himself.
I can’t imagine being that young and so scared.
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November 4th, 2008 @ 2:17 pm
Thank you for sharing that powerful story. I am so glad your mom finally had the courage to get all of you out of it. Your mom sounds like a strong woman and she raised a strong woman.
justmylifes last blog post..What I want for Christmas.
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November 4th, 2008 @ 3:48 pm
Wow.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m so sorry that you dealt with this, but I am so glad that your mom got y’all away.
Huge hugs.
Rachels last blog post..Monkey Mashin, Punkin’ Pickin’ and Kiss and Tell
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November 4th, 2008 @ 4:47 pm
Wow. These stories always amaze me – and as always, so does the braveness of the writers.
{{hugs}}
Rees last blog post..I Did – Updated
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November 4th, 2008 @ 6:39 pm
Damn! I’m sorry! Thanks for sharing!
Helens last blog post..Nothing exciting, just trying to get back on track!
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November 4th, 2008 @ 8:01 pm
My eldest girl is afraid of bridges. Her mother would always scream that she was going to drive them off one if they didn’t behave. If you ever figure out how to get over it, please let me know.
Thanks for sharing.
WickedStepMoms last blog post..Attack of the Face Suckers!
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November 4th, 2008 @ 9:34 pm
I’m so sorry for the little girl in you who had to endure that bastard’s behavior. I’m so glad that your mother finally had the courage and strength to leave.
Mostly, I’m glad your safe and sound.
Mrs. Kittys last blog post..Furry friends come and go
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November 5th, 2008 @ 3:55 am
Glad to hear you were some of the lucky ones who got away. How terrifying. I can’t even imagine. *Hug*
The Flirty Girls last blog post..Only 111 more blogs to review!
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November 5th, 2008 @ 6:49 am
Hi Amanda,
I really enjoy your blog. I watched an author named Christopher Flett on the Today Show, he wrote a book called “What Men Don’t Tell Women About Business” and it shares secrets for women working in business. I thought you might enjoy hearing about him. There could be some great content in their for future posts.
Keep up the great work.
Sincerely,
Bihter
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November 5th, 2008 @ 7:22 am
I am sitting here SOBBING. My heart aches for what you went through. I am so happy that you and your family escaped and were safe. You should be so proud of getting out of his grasp and forging such a wonderful life.
Lauras last blog post..Transformation has begun!
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November 13th, 2008 @ 10:47 pm
Wow. Just wow.
I’m glad you didn’t end up under the bridge or the bottom of a lake. And I’m glad your mom was brave enough to leave because so many other women aren’t.
Colleen-Wineplzs last blog post..Fantasy Football Week 9
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the years of the monster | blog nosh magazine
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