Guest Poster: Megan from Undomestic Diva
- October 6th, 2008 8:00 am
(Kicking off my semi-hiatus is Megan from Undomestic Diva. She is always cracking me up on Twitter, and is generally just hilarious. She has three young boys, a photography business, and a she met her husband when she was 15 and has been with him ever since. I like her. As far as keeping it real goes, she does it. So here you go.)
Amanda was kind enough to allow me onto her Blogosphere property – albeit only for one day – to essentially make you like her more. Kind of one of those remember-how-good-you’ve-got-it deals. I’ll barge in, bring a whole new meaning to “shamelessly sassy” and then poof! I’ll disappear and you guys will be forever grateful to her.
I’m not dumb. I know my role here.
Amanda and I? We’re opposites. She has her shit together, is obviously an amazing parent and she loves to cook and bake whereas I thought that was kinda being redundant. And I’ll bet people don’t come across her blog by googling “when I’m on my period I like it in the ass” like they’ve been known to do on mine. Readers actually respect her for her writing abilities whereas most people who follow me, swim in my typo prone ramblings so they can feel better about themselves and their abilities. Amanda claims to be shamelessly sassy and I know I’m unabashedly snarky, so how come she still comes across as sweet and charming and everyone thinks I’m a total bitch?
Assholes.
So I was a little surprised, to say the least, when Amanda asked me to guest post. I immediately emailed her back, frantic to know what the rules and boundaries were. She was very calm and nonchalant, totally unconcerned with what I might come up and only requested that I refrain from showing pictures of poop. Clearly, she doesn’t know me well enough because a) I need waaaay more rules/boundaries/lines drawn in the sand and, b) everyone knows that girls don’t poop.
You heard me. Girls don’t poop. And if you say they do, I will deny, deny, deny…
The no rules or boundaries thing is frankly frightening because, in my mind, she’s saying DO WHATEVER YOU WANT! RUN WITH IT! GO FOR THE GOLD!! And it’s like opening the gates to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory for a candy fiend… pure orgasmic bliss, and hey, guess what, I’ll be the fool that falls into the chocolate river and gets sucked up that tube, every single time.
Hey Augustus, buddy, I’m coming…
It’s called Diarrhea of the Mouth (DOTM), and it’s genetic. Hi, I’m Megan.
Surely you’ve met others of us who suffer from this awful disease. You accidentally run into us in a grocery store, attempt a quick, perfunctory line or two of small talk and then innocently try to continue on with your shopping, only to have us wrap our tentacles around you, sucking you into the vortex that is our compelling – or so we think – gossip-laden diatribe on who is getting divorced, who’s having an affair with who and who told us what – BUT – please don’t tell them that I told you that I know because then they would know that I know and told you.
Aside from the obligatory tittle-tattle rundown, we will be certain to mention blurt out irrelevantly that we didn’t let our son go to such-and-such school because it’s the worst in the district and – what? Your kids go there? Huh. Well what I meant was… um… it used to be awful, but I hear it’s really improving. Yeah. That’s what I meant to say. But the neighborhood is awful, isn’t it? What? You just recently bought a house in that neighborhood? I see. Uh, which street? Oh no… see… [shaking head] I was talking about the other end of the neighborhood… Your area? B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L! Wish I could afford a house there!!! Hey, maybe someday we could be neighbors! Wouldn’t that be great?!
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! Somebody build a mother fucking dam and stop the flood of shit spewing from my mouth. I’m hemorrhaging social awkwardities . It ain’t right!
Worse than on-the-spot, in-the-moment social circumstances like the aforementioned running into people we already know while out and about is, of course, meeting new people for the first time. We know absolutely nothing about them, so we attempt to be funny and charming, but, as sufferers of DOTM, our mouths know no boundaries and so we manage, in a single 90 second conversation, to offend you religiously, politically and personally. “Did you hear the Palin’s 17 year old daughter is pregnant? Unbelievable! Where’s birth control when you need it? Should’ve slipped some into her chocolate milk, ya know?”
[We chuckle to ourselves, proud to have been funny in this first impression.]
[Our chuckling immediately screeches to an awkward halt when we see the look on your face – totally deadpan.]
What? You had your first child at 17? And you’re Catholic?
Fuuuuuccccck.
You would think with modern medicine and whatnot, someone somewhere would have come up with a goddamn pill or something to help people like myself. Perhaps a vaccine? Like a yearly flu shot?
A tampon for the mouth? Something to fight off the parasite that is eating away at our common sense?!
But until the medical community tackles that tough one, I guess I’ll just have to point the blame to the weak genes that run through my family of DOTM sufferers. I mean, it is one thing to inherit scoliosis or silver dollar nipples… but the inability to shut your goddamn mouth? Completely unforgivable.
(If you need more of Megan, I really like this post from her site.)
October 6th, 2008 @ 9:37 am
Wow this sounds incredibly like myself, difference being that I’m not talented enough to write about my ability to have a copious amount of words can flow from my mouth offending anyone and everyone in such a short amount of time. My husband’s fav being when I invite someone to do something and they say no for a legitimate reason like maybe they have the flu. I get all awkward because I have been rejected and immediately go into every reason why they suck and how I was just showing pitty by inviting them and it’s pretty obvious that they are nothing but a dirty pirate whore anyway so who the fuck would want to go to breakfast with them! SO now I invite no one to go anywhere if you want to hang out you better ask cause I NEVER will!
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October 6th, 2008 @ 9:46 am
I think Palin’s daughter just earned her some credibility, really.
Now all I can do is picture someone that inherited BOTH scoliosis and silver dollar nipples. I’m not sure why.
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October 6th, 2008 @ 11:43 am
LOL! I’ve been there. My mom always told me I must like to stick my foot in my mouth and she admits I get it from her. Insert foot, chew and swallow, DOTM; must be a symptom of wanting to be liked. I’ve decided that from now on Who Freaking Cares, right? I am what am I am. Like it or lump it.
Sorry must have stepped back into the 70’s a bit there.
ReformingGeeks last blog post..Last time I saw you you were this big….
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October 6th, 2008 @ 11:51 am
Is there an Ex-Lax for the mouth?
About Palin’s daughter, I loved the line on SNL over the weekend that marriage is a sacred institution meant only for unwilling teenagers.
Xs last blog post..If You Want a Stripper, I’ll Give You a Stripper
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October 6th, 2008 @ 11:57 am
“only to have us wrap our tentacles around you”
I read that as testicles, and was sure this post was headed in a totally different direction.
Honeybells last blog post..A Bit Nervous
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October 6th, 2008 @ 3:41 pm
I am highly entertained. Now I am off to stalk you on your blog.
Kathryns last blog post..Saturday Suggestions Part 2
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October 6th, 2008 @ 4:23 pm
Hey, isn’t Twix supposed to be like a tampon for your mouth?
And holy crap, the tone of that post was breathy and run-on-y (even though I don’t think you had any run on sentences). Me & the baby are T-I-R-E-D from reading your post.
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October 6th, 2008 @ 9:16 pm
I read that the first time as Diarrhea of the Month. And I’m like “is that like book of the month, only gross?”
Clearly, I need to work on *reading comprehension skills*.
Scaramouches last blog post..A Man of Wealth and Taste
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October 6th, 2008 @ 9:41 pm
Ok, that was HYsterical! I likes the random and the DOTM, because I suffer from a little bit of it myself…I think it’s spreading like SARS across the blogosphere.
Anissa@Hope4Peytons last blog post..Anissa of Fairbanks, Indiana
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October 6th, 2008 @ 10:25 pm
Umm? I get to follow that? I feel so unlucky right now. That was freaking hilarious.
Anglophile Football Fanatics last blog post..The Final Countdown
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October 6th, 2008 @ 11:14 pm
LOVE it! I so wish I came across as sweet and charming, but instead people look at me like they might had they just stepped in dog poo.
I know when I’m writing I hear my voice telling the story and think nothing of it… when I read it later I think, “Damn, I just came across as a total bitch… rude and blunt.” And it makes me feel bad… sometimes I wonder at the impressions people get reading me, people who’ve never met me, and I can’t help wondering what their impression of me is like.
I think too much.;)
Sammanthias last blog post..Six Highly Uninteresting Things About Myself… Read It And Sleep
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October 7th, 2008 @ 3:28 am
do you know your blog is listed on this blackhat site? blackhatbootcamp.net/listofwordpressblogs/
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October 7th, 2008 @ 7:49 am
There needs to be a telethon for DOTM. Seriously. I’d call and donate funds for a cure, but I’d probably say something really cringe-worthy when I did and end up defeating the purpose.
foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)s last blog post..‘hide away folk family, or else someone’s gonna get ya’
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October 7th, 2008 @ 9:21 am
I have that. You will not guess how many times I have had real conversations like this with people. Then the rest of the I beat myself up for my own retardedness.
Great post!! I actually snorted coffee. Thanks for that!!
Ellyns last blog post..My Dad and My Son
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October 7th, 2008 @ 9:26 am
Megan’s pretty funny. I do NOT have diarrhea of the mouth at all, but I sure love being around people who do. hehe
I’ll have to check out her blog.
Rheas last blog post..Disagreeable Familiarity
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October 7th, 2008 @ 2:36 pm
OMG!!! You had me cracking up laughing!! I’m new to blogging and it’s is my new past-time while I’m avoiding the droning work I’m supposed to be doing while trapped in my cubicle. YAY!! Another distraction for me!! Just what I need!!
dcokequeens last blog post..Why is it always the dumb half naked chick running down a dark alley in horror movies????
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October 7th, 2008 @ 3:54 pm
LMAO! I don’t suffer from DOTM but my best friend does so that makes me guilty by association, right? I’d be more of the person that is accused of being a total stuck up bitch because I don’t say anything. In fact, I run the other way if I see someone I know coming my way. It’s the not knowing what to say that makes me do that. Off to check your blog out, Megan.
Susans last blog post..For Chanda
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October 7th, 2008 @ 4:18 pm
Nice post…thanks Megan. I’ve always wondered how you go about soliciting a guest poster for your blog. I’d like to do it sometime if anyone wants to send me an email.
Paunchinesss last blog post..Win an Apple® iPod® Shuffle
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October 7th, 2008 @ 6:40 pm
I just had a flash back to fifth grade where my nose picking teacher decided to release his frustrations on life by telling me I have diarrhea of the mouth. That’s the last time I heard that phrase. And yet I have not shut up yet. Mr. Wong loses.
lisas last blog post..Happy Halloween, You’ve Got Cancer
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October 9th, 2008 @ 4:37 pm
This was hilarious – I totally can relate – and I’m now blog stalking you – Sorry!!
Eternal Sunshines last blog post..I’m on the Move…
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