An Open Letter to Little Debbie
- September 7th, 2008 6:08 pm
Dear Little Debbie,
While you may have the nation fooled with your cute grin, berry kissed lips, and little straw hat, you have not managed to pull the wool over my eyes. Sure you set out to make people happy with your sweet little snacks. You even have a variety with 75 different kinds. To trump it all, you even offer a holiday selection with cakes shaped like Christmas trees and Easter Eggs.
Truthfully, I have a strange affinity for your zebra cakes, your caramel cookie bars, the strawberry shortcake rolls, and your oatmeal cream pie cakes.
However, Debbie, I’m convinced that from day one your goal in life was to make my ass fat. And let me tell you you are doing it. You have succeeded.
Now, PLEASE stop, DEB!
(Can I call you Deb? I feel like I should be allowed since I’m pretty sure you are responsible for the size of my thighs. That obviously makes us quite close.)
You see, Deb, I understand that me giving in to you and eating your delicious snacks as if they were crack and I was a fiend could be blamed on my willpower. But you see, my willpower is very strong until it comes to you. I’m convinced that you’ve put some sort of evil straw hat wearing type of trance on it. Clearly, it is all your fault.
So I need you to stop producing your majestic cakes, or at least make all of my local grocers hide them from me. Not only would I appreciate it, but my ass would too. It doesn’t like this rate of growth. It is very confused by this whole dieting thing, but then cheating and eating your delicious cakes.
It is likely that you sit at home thinking to yourself, “wow, I have everyone fooled. They are all devouring my treats.My plan is working. I can see it with the expansion of all of their asses.’ BITCH, please. You aren’t fooling me with your smile, Deb. I’m boycotting you. You are no longer allowed to contribute to my body.
I know that you really look like this:
Evil Little Deb
That is all.
Your former loving friend,
Amanda
PS. please do not sue me.
September 7th, 2008 @ 8:15 pm
THIS is why Debbie is no longer allowed to visit our house, cause her cakes hop into my mouth without me even planning to eat them!
Christis last blog post..30 books in 30 days
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September 7th, 2008 @ 8:27 pm
Sometimes after everyone goes to bed, I sit down on the couch, have myself a Sex And The City marathon, and eat an almost entire box of Oatmeal Creme pies. I’m hopin’ all the extra calories adds a little somethin’ somethin’ to my boobs as opposed to my ass.
Sam (The Edge Of Insanity)s last blog post..Weekly Winners… Forever Young
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September 7th, 2008 @ 8:30 pm
My 96 year old Grammie always has a stash of Little Debbies. She only shares with “special” people.
witchypoos last blog post..Pimpathon
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September 7th, 2008 @ 9:04 pm
Wow! If you actually succeed with your boycott, it’ll give me hope. I am a sucker for Swiss cake Rolls. yum yum yummm..
Nissas last blog post..Wordless Wednesday (so close)- Tiger cheer
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September 7th, 2008 @ 9:05 pm
Would you believe I’ve never tried a Little Debbie’s anything?
Which is not say my ass has not been adversely affected by homemade concoctions.
Jenn @ Juggling Lifes last blog post..Don’t Flush!
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September 7th, 2008 @ 9:06 pm
Ha! Ha! We boycott her too!!! With those yummy little fudge brownies that contain 15 grams of fat per bite…..
This was great!
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September 7th, 2008 @ 9:11 pm
AMEN!
I am so with you and Nissa! I was all fine and dandy until I revived my love affair with Swiss Cake Rolls, and learned my body does not process them at all like it use to, before age 30. Now, unfortunately, I have my own *rolls*.
I’ve actually been very good at boycotting them until I saw them for a dollar a box at Target a few weeks ago. Damn if those things can’t disappear in a day and a half.
Evil is too nice of a word for you, Deb.
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September 7th, 2008 @ 9:12 pm
LOL girl you are so funny! I’ve never tried Little Debbie’s snacks. I once knew another addict. I don’t know if she ever kicked her snack cake habit or not. I once had a similar issue with banana Moon Pies but am proud to say it’s been years since I binged on them
)
The Flirty Girls last blog post..A Turtle Wedding Cake
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September 7th, 2008 @ 9:16 pm
Very funny, you really did have me rolling on the floor laughing. I have a special fondness for the Oatmeal Creme Pies. Our oldest son used to claim that the delights would make him well when he was sick.
Mollys last blog post..We have guests
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September 7th, 2008 @ 9:30 pm
Mmm. So many varieties of sweet goodness. Most definitely EVIL!
dysfunctional moms last blog post..Advice from the DysFUNctional Family
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September 7th, 2008 @ 10:07 pm
Oh yeah! Can I sign my name to that letter too? I loves me some Little Debbie! I love the zebra cakes! And the Star Crunches! And the Oatmeal Creme Pies!
Damn. Now I want one. Or, twelve.
Kathryns last blog post..Church Chat?
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September 7th, 2008 @ 10:28 pm
I’ve never tried one either. Unlike most of the other things in life, this is one area I’ve been successful at just saying, “No!”
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September 7th, 2008 @ 10:31 pm
I KNEW she had horns. Just knew it.
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September 7th, 2008 @ 10:34 pm
Pure evil. Unadulterated evil, she is. Although now that you have put her in front of me, I am so craving something sweet.
Thanks!
Elizabeth Channels last blog post..The ‘Good Mother’ in the ER
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September 7th, 2008 @ 10:42 pm
That little tart was in cahoots with my old grocer man. Every month, at the end of the month, he would put out the old boxes of cakes that WEREN’T even expired yet!!! For half price!!!!! How can a girl deny herself delicious treats at half the price? I prayed they were also half the calories. No dice.
Texan Mamas last blog post..Time to go to School
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September 7th, 2008 @ 10:51 pm
As a diabetic (type II), I no longer eat Little Debbie. Let’s just let that one sink in for a minute. I AM looking for a replacement.
lceels last blog post..100 Word Challenge – Fusion
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September 7th, 2008 @ 11:05 pm
Ha ha, great artwork! I know some good photoshopin’ when I see it
. At our house, we have a ‘Little Debbie’ quarantine protocol. If anyone comes into contact with any of her evil spawn, they are immediately hosed down and disinfected. Or, they have to share 
.
goodfathers last blog post..Snip
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September 7th, 2008 @ 11:26 pm
That bitch.
Just look at those strawberry shortcake rolls. So freaking good. Bitch.
Sarahs last blog post..Oopsies
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September 7th, 2008 @ 11:37 pm
DAMN, you called me out on it! I had two — I repeat, I’m not (that) ashamed — TWO Fudge Rounds yesterday. How did you know?
My BFF’s grandma used to send her a care package with the “___________ Party Cake” of the season every month. Believe it or not, there is a difference between Easter Party Cakes and Fall Party Cakes and Christmas Party Cakes and on and on. I think Fall were the best….yum.
I blame the T’room (cafeteria on campus, it stands for Thoroughbred Room, don’t ask…)’s delicious delicious french fries for the expansion of my GIANT ASS.
Great letter. Loved it.
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September 8th, 2008 @ 12:06 am
So maybe it’s because Canada is such a wonderful country but I have never had Evil Deb anything. I’m not even sure I have seen her on the shelves.
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September 8th, 2008 @ 12:40 am
She is so evil. Here is proof: http://www.littledebbie.com/products/NuttyBars.asp
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September 8th, 2008 @ 1:14 am
Ol’ Deb (yes, she and I were two peas in a pod) got me through college with her (ahem) *devil’s* food cakes. But the Nutty Bars were equally devilish. These days, Deb is not welcome in my home, as I don’ t care for her influence on my kids.
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September 8th, 2008 @ 1:21 am
I want me some Little Debbie crack!!!
Waaaaaaaaaaaaa!
I promise I will like do 40 leg lifts per bite… um, I think there may be a reason why they are not available here, right?
Kelleys last blog post..My hovercraft is full of eels
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September 8th, 2008 @ 2:05 am
ha ha ha ha.
i hate that bitch too.
i have boycotted everything except the oatmeal creme pies. i just can’t do it. i’ve tried. that shit is like crack for me.
especially frozen. yum.
oh yeah, you’re trying to detox, aren’t you?
-slinks off to eat oatmeal creme pie-
:]
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September 8th, 2008 @ 6:12 am
Oh, she is an evil temptress that’s for sure. I often buy her wares “for my little girl” while fully expecting to devour half of them. Curse you, Little Debbie! Curse you!!
calicobebops last blog post..Hanna’s Visit And Some People Watching
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September 8th, 2008 @ 7:55 am
Haha! This is hilarious.
Unfortunately, now I am really craving something that will help me on my road to fat-ass-edness.
Allisons last blog post..Will You Stand Up?
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September 8th, 2008 @ 8:00 am
I can completely sympathize. I make sure that if we buy Little Debbie’s that we DO NOT buy any of the ones that I like, or else it’s all over…
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September 8th, 2008 @ 8:12 am
What is it about those little white w/black stripe cakes that just lure us in? I have had an addiction to those since i was a kid (thats why I rarely allow them in my house..I can’t control myself around them) hehe Ha, maybe now that your on to her, she’ll straighten up her ’snack’ act.
hahaha
Have a great day!
~K
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September 8th, 2008 @ 8:12 am
Little Debbie’s daddy is the Devil.
Writer Dads last blog post..Poop. Put it in the Potty
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September 8th, 2008 @ 8:26 am
Oh fuck, now I want Nutter Butter bars. Thanks a lot.
nikkis last blog post..Your ass is going to be so jealous
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September 8th, 2008 @ 9:49 am
When I was in high school, I had a teacher who was obese. And to say obese is not saying enough. Her class was right after lunch, and every single day, we would get to the classroom to find her sound asleep with an empty six pack of Coke and an empty box of Little Debbie cakes sitting on her desk. Even then, I thought it was one of the saddest pictures I had ever seen.
Cautions last blog post..Do Not Silence Me
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September 8th, 2008 @ 10:02 am
I have similar issues with many evil treats here – will go off and write similar letters to the makers of those similar evil treats.
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September 8th, 2008 @ 10:32 am
There are 100 calorie brownies which are just one half of the brownie and very thin. Just a tease really. I feel you. I try to avoid lil debbie’s section b/c my bf is addicted too. If they are in the house I will eat them up too. She is an evil little wench!
Tiffanys last blog post..My Fave Five!
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September 8th, 2008 @ 10:55 am
Since I’m pregnant, I’m allowed to have the WHOLE oatmeal creme pie box to myself. right?
gorillabunss last blog post..gloss and gleam
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September 8th, 2008 @ 11:27 am
And I thought she was my friend… well say no more. She is out of the club now!
Andrea with the flip flopss last blog post..Where is the hired help…
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September 8th, 2008 @ 11:37 am
This made me freakin’ laugh out loud. Do you mind if I repost it on my blog? I will link to you and what not. I understand if you don’t, but I think my readers would get a kick out of this as well.
shondas last blog post..As If I Don’t Cuss Enough Already
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September 8th, 2008 @ 11:39 am
Ha! I have banned all things ‘Hostess’ around here. At least ‘Devil Dogs’ are appropriately named. They are evil. Thanks for the visit.
Heidis last blog post..Fun For All
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September 8th, 2008 @ 12:33 pm
If Lil Debbie is the anti-christ then Hostess is the devil reincarnate. Twinkie, anyone?
Undomestic Divas last blog post..Winner!
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September 8th, 2008 @ 12:53 pm
well add me to the boycott cause i got junk in my trunk too and i bet you little debbie had a hand in it.
now I just have to throw Choc O’Chip Cookies out of my house.
funny!
Naturals last blog post..Butt-to-Gutt Ratio Gone Wild
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September 8th, 2008 @ 2:10 pm
So, yeah. She has been banned from our house as well, because those Nutty Bars? I am almost embarrassed to admit that I can eat a box. In a day. And those oatmeal cream cookie things? Hm, yeah. Bitch, isnt’ she?
Koris last blog post..It Would Have Been….
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September 8th, 2008 @ 2:15 pm
Star Crunch and Boston Cream Rolls… oh lord. And Fudge Rounds.
It really isn’t right that one big size oatmeal pie has like 400 calories in it. It has the word OATMEAL in it!
Michelles last blog post..My ego is swelling
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September 8th, 2008 @ 2:46 pm
you can read it all over her face. that smug smile is all “hahah! i’m watching you getting fat! evil little debbie!”
alis last blog post..HELP. i promise i’m not sporting shiners.
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September 8th, 2008 @ 3:01 pm
zebra cakes zomg yes.
kalens last blog post..I got 52 out of 100
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September 8th, 2008 @ 3:10 pm
The biggest laugh for me?
“PS please do not sue me”
good stuff!
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September 8th, 2008 @ 5:00 pm
U R Hill-lar-e-us!
Heidi Cs last blog post..Pretties I see around my yard………..beginning Photography
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September 8th, 2008 @ 5:10 pm
I used to pig out on Nutty Bars when I was younger. Mmm Mm!
Marias last blog post..The Barometer of My Ever Increasing Filth
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September 8th, 2008 @ 7:45 pm
Oh, Little Debbie, that evil temptress. She beckons me with her swiss cake rolls and nutty bars. I am powerless to resist her. Powerless.
Caras last blog post..How Long is Too Long?
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September 8th, 2008 @ 8:55 pm
This made me laugh so hard my kids thought I was going insane.
I have some Zebra Cakes in my cabinet now. They keep calling my name, offering me sweet rewards to eat just 1. Thankfully I’ve held my own for, 4 hours and oh, 14 minutes. Not sure I can hold out much longer, but I’m trying with all my might.
Samanthas last blog post..Long time no post
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September 8th, 2008 @ 9:48 pm
Swiss Cake Rolls are my ultimate weakness. I used to a pack (two rolls) every day for lunch when I was working with my tools. I don’t burn enough calories to eat them now.
morethananelectricians last blog post..Starting Your Week with a Broken Nose
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September 8th, 2008 @ 10:26 pm
They are sinful. When I was pregnant with my youngest I would stop everyday at the gas station for a large decaf and a pack of nutty buddies. I was an addict!
Shannanb aka Mommy Bitss last blog post..A Milestone
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September 8th, 2008 @ 10:59 pm
Man, do i ever have a hankering for any one of those right now!!!!!!!!!!!
Eve Greys last blog post..I’ll do graffiti if you sing to me in French
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September 9th, 2008 @ 7:36 am
HahahahaH!!!! “Please do not sue me!”
Poor Deb, she was such a wall flower in high school that she decided to learn to cook SWEETS instead of going to the dances.
I can’t invite her to my home either. She makes teeth ache.
Beth from the Funny Farms last blog post..Barrel Racing and the Emergency Room
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September 9th, 2008 @ 8:13 am
ROFLMAO This was funny. I swear they put some sort of addicting drug in those things to make you keep eating them. They are one of my guilty pleasures, as well. Step away from the Little Debbies . . . but I swear I just … can’t … stop!!!
Midlife Mamas last blog post..What’s in a name?
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September 9th, 2008 @ 8:26 am
Oh, the nutty buddy. I ate many of those and my fat ass is proof. But, I haven’t had one in years. They put a Dunkin Donuts near my house and now donuts and coffee are my crack.
Kels last blog post..An eco-friendly burial
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September 9th, 2008 @ 9:14 am
I know I already commented, but I just had to tell you that I had a dream about this blog post last night. I can’t quite remember what about – other than I planned to link to it for a post I was gonna write, but other than that – I’ve got nothing.
Just thought it was strange… and felt the need to share.
Eternal Sunshines last blog post..I am The Little Red Hen
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September 9th, 2008 @ 9:36 am
Poor Little Debbie! So under appreciated. That’s what she gets for being EVIL!
jyl @ mommygossips last blog post..Culture Arrives to Vanilla City USA
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September 9th, 2008 @ 12:31 pm
I saw an entire shelving unit at my Target (yes, my) yesterday and it was ALL Little Debbie and ALL on clearance. I thought of you.
Undomestic Divas last blog post..What the f#@! Chuck?
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September 9th, 2008 @ 1:41 pm
Yup…she’s just a fraction of the example of a conniving cold hearted woman.
I wouldn’t trust the bitch as far as I could throw her.
Course, if she left me a few pies and one of them Swiss Cake Rolls, I wouldn’t throw her too far.
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the snot mustache:first day of school | shamelesslysassy.com
September 9th, 2008 @ 3:24 pm
[...] « previous post [...]
September 9th, 2008 @ 5:43 pm
I lived off of the Oatmeal Creme Cakes when I was going through my divorce. Of course, the fact that I was only eating 3 of them a day and NOTHING else, meant that I lost 27 lbs.
So, see….there’s a place for Little Debbie.
Rees last blog post..Maid of Honor – Past in Polaroids 5
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September 12th, 2008 @ 11:19 am
I live pretty almost next door to the factory. At night, you can smell them cooking all kinds of sugary goodness. It is really freaking awesome, but it makes me want to go in and have a swiss cake roll or two!
We go out every night to try to guess what they are baking that night. Oh, the exciting life we lead…
Janes last blog post..Know When to Hold ‘Em
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September 16th, 2008 @ 10:33 pm
dude the little debbie christmas tree cakes literally were the cause for me being a fat ass at 14.. i hate the bitch.
Kims last blog post..Fight The Sag Update..The Good, The Bad and The UGLY
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July 5th, 2009 @ 3:26 pm
Whrere can I buy the bosto cream pie in Port Huron Michigan 48074 Thank You!
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