Once Bitten, Twice Fly.
- June 2nd, 2008 12:50 pm
The giveaway is on a slight delay while some things are put in order-which goes to show me that I should never announce a date for something. Sorry. But worry not my friends. Until then, I have another fabulous story about one of my relatives being an absolute idiot. Who could ask for more?
When my brother was younger (the one that pees when he sleep walks ), he spent a lot of time at my cousin *Bobby Joe’s house. Bobbie Joe is my mother’s nephew, but since my mother is the baby of her family, she and Bobby Joe are the same age. Bobby Joe also has a son my brother’s age.
(Bare with me, I promise this is going somewhere fantastic .)
Bobby Joe and his bitchy wife *Linda lived out in the country. Somehow knowing that Linda had a nasty attitude makes this story better, but at the same time, it has nothing to do with it. So just know that Bobby Joe’s now ex-wife Linda was a pain in the rear.
Another aside about Bobby Joe and Linda is that they were both on the hefty side. On their refrigerator, I remember there being a comic with two cartoonish hefty people naked with their stomachs touching and their privates not touching, and a message beneath that said, ‘Sex: Mission Impossible’. Which as a kid, I did not see the humor in. Why was that so funny? Then one day I realized, ‘OH, it’s an impossible mission because their privates aren’t touching, just stomachs.’
Anyway,
when my brother went out there, he and Bobby Joe’s son spent the whole day playing outside and running through the tall grass in the field surrounding their home. Their home was also close to lake and was generally in a heavily wooded area.
Let’s look at this formula, shall we? Woods+Water+Tall Grass=??
*ding ding ding* SNAKES.
(Yes, I know. Another snake post, but seriously. it’s worth it.)
So the boys played all day, running through the grass and doing whatever else it is that little boys do. Maybe they poked each other in the eyes or contemplated ways to roll in the dirt, who knows?
One thing I do know is that eventually, while playing, my brother stepped on a snake. And the snake bit him, or so he thought.
In response, Bobby Joe’s heavily 4-eyed son (I’m talking glasses with lenses as thick as the walls of a shark tank) ran to tell his father that my brother had been bitten. Bobby Joe, of course, calls 911.
He also immediately begins to attempt to suck the venom out of said snakebite–with his mouth. (Yeah…)
While all of this was going down, Linda was watching General Hospital. But at some point she finally discovers that something is slightly awry and cranes her head out of the door to yell, ‘BOBBY JOE!! WHY ARE YOU SUCKING ON THAT KIDS LEG??”
Linda was so observant.
Bobby Joe screams back, ‘I’M SUCKING THE VENOM OUT!!”
Linda, while nasty in attitude was at least a bit logical, ‘Well, was it even a venomous snake?’
‘I DON’T KNOW!!!!’ He screamed back. And continued his version of venom removal. And he sucks and sucks and sucks on the bite on my brother’s ankle until the ambulance shows up.
The paramedics check the bite out, prepared to give my brother whatever potion it is they deal out for snake bites and an anxiety attack brought on from your 30 year old cousin sucking on your ankle.
For some time, they examined the bite quite closely. Contemplating the nature and age of it.
‘This doesn’t look like a fresh bite,’ they said puzzled,’It looks like he’s healing from a previous bite.’
They stood around for a little while longer.
‘Well, it looks like a mosquito bite.’
‘It is,’ pipes up my little brother in his, then, chipmunk voice, ‘It’s been there for a couple of days now.’
‘I thought a snake had bitten you?’
‘Well, it’s head touched my leg,’ my brother replied.
And so that’s how it went down, my idiot cousin Bobby Joe had sucked on my brother’s ankle to remove what was allegedly venom only to find out that my brother had only been bitten by a mosquito. A tiny, old mosquito bite had been the source of all of the drama.
To beat it all, when they walked back over to the area where my brother had been ‘bitten’, all they found was a dead non-poisonous snake. Apparently, my brother had stepped on a dead snake, and had been under the impression it had bitten him.
He’s still a bit traumatized from Bobby Joe sucking on his ankle for at least 20 minutes. But who can blame him?
Please tell me about your idiot relatives, they don’t read my comment section. Girl Scout Promise *raises three fingers*.
*The names have, of course, been changed.
June 2nd, 2008 @ 12:58 pm
Oh my! I’m laughing so hard I’m crying! Right now I can’t think of anything but I just wanted to say that story is something that my hubbie’s family would never let you live down.
Susans last blog post..VBAC hooray!
June 2nd, 2008 @ 12:59 pm
First of all, I, too have an uncle and a cousin that are the same age, i.e., my grandmother and her daughter were having a baby at the same time! (Wee-ird). Anyhoo, most of my stories involve drunken husbands of cousins showing up at family gatherings after wrecking the car.
Madame Queens last blog post..A Letter to a Teenaged Punkin
June 2nd, 2008 @ 1:02 pm
Girl. You need to write a book about your family. Or, heck, just keep bloggin’ about them and entertaining the heck out of me!
There is not enough space in this little box to go on about my Lifetime movie worthy family.
I may one day share the placenta story, but today is just not the day . . .
LaskiGals last blog post..100 Things About Me: Part I
June 2nd, 2008 @ 1:26 pm
Awesome story! I have LOTS of cousins which equals LOTS of crazy stories. Here’s a short one: I have a cousin who found an internet bride, divorced her and married her mom! Can you say therapy?! yuck!
kspins last blog post..Poolside Ponderings And Philosophies
June 2nd, 2008 @ 1:49 pm
That is unbearably GROSS! Let’s see, how about the time my drunken uncle decided he was going to teach me to dive. He jumped in the water on top of me and nearly drowned me.
Years later, he stabbed a man behind a bar. Luckily, the guy didn’t die, and now we all have a great family story to tell!
dysfunctional moms last blog post..Your Parents Must Not Have Liked You Much.
June 2nd, 2008 @ 1:57 pm
Hmmm, I have a sister who used to sleepwalk.
I have another sister with a wicked sense of humour.
Sister #2 used to guide sister #1 into the cupboard when she slept walked and leave her there for the night or until she awoke.
Xbox4NappyRashs last blog post..Guys n’ dolls n’ dollars
June 2nd, 2008 @ 1:57 pm
I couldn’t finish this post without having to get up and pee first because I was laughing so hard. What was he thinking?! Hahaha! Can you even suck venom out of someone anyway? Hahahaha!!
Stephanies last blog post..Unofficial MeMe Day
June 2nd, 2008 @ 2:00 pm
ROFL!!! I totally just spit coffee on the keyboard. If my husband asks, I’m blaming you.
One time, my brother (5-ish at the time) was stabbed in the leg. Of course, he was the one doing the stabbing, so once we made sure he hadn’t hit an artery or whatever, we had no sympathy for him. At all. Especially when we found out he was trying to clear brush with his Swiss Army Knife. Dumbass. (Brea shakes her head and laughs at the memories)
Same brother is utterly terrified of bees and wasps and hornets, etc. This is probably because, as a child, he would see a nest, grab a broom, and hit the nest as hard as he could. The result? Really cranky wasps that went after the SOB who just broke their house.
And we won’t even get started on some of my dad’s family. They’re from the country, and have names like Beulah Faye and Joe Boy. Not to say that all people that live in the country are stupid. I live in the country, and I’m not stoopid. But some of these people … well, there’s some good stories that my dad likes to tell.
You must post more family stories, dear. They are just too funny!!!
~Brea
Brea in Texass last blog post..Monday Meal Plan
June 2nd, 2008 @ 2:02 pm
My idiot in-laws aren’t really that exciting; in fact, they’re all about the boring. You would think they would get tired of having the same exact conversations for 30 years in a row; you would be wrong!
Jenn @ Juggling Lifes last blog post..As Promised: Prom Pictures
June 2nd, 2008 @ 2:06 pm
Oh, goodness. I can so imagine the venom sucking. You’re lucky he didn’t try to cut it open with a knife, too.
Anglophile Football Fanatics last blog post..I’m Gonna Go Bruce Banner on Yo Ass
June 2nd, 2008 @ 2:09 pm
So, uh, no stories like that-or even close-in my family skeleton closet. Not even close. All my stories are NOT funny, and I like to read yours way better!
Koris last blog post..Flashback Friday-The Daughter’s Accident
June 2nd, 2008 @ 2:11 pm
LMAO. SERIOUSLY…. oh my gosh!!!!!!! How flipping funny!
OHmommys last blog post..Confessions of a Bookaholic
June 2nd, 2008 @ 2:12 pm
So I have an aunt who has 6 kids with 5 guys and has had 4 husbands. Current husband is younger than the husband of her second oldest daughter.
Anyway, kid number 5 was with the only guy who wouldn’t marry her when she said she was pregant (that’s how she gets them to marry her). So she went back to husband #3, and they claimed it was his when it was born. But crazy thing, when they broke up, again, he only wanted custody of kids 3 and 4.
Plus she only speaks in severe exaggerations. “I own a vendor cart at the mall” means I try to peddle porcelain dolls on a part time basis for minimum wage.
June 2nd, 2008 @ 2:29 pm
Why do you have all the cool folks in your family? Seriously. 80’s lady, shitty couch friend, and now snake man.. lucky.
Kims last blog post..Taking Off The Costume
June 2nd, 2008 @ 2:34 pm
That is too freaking funny!
Idiot relatives, huh?
When we were kids our family went camping a few times every summer. One summer it was just my older brother and sister and I with my parents. I was about 7, my sis 13 and my bro 14. We were swimming in the lake when my sister looks down at her ankle and sees a leech. Being the prissy, deathly afraid of bugs kinda chic that she is, she started screaming. My brother was the closest one to her and swam over to see what was wrong. My mom was pulling me in a little raft over to my sister but was quite a ways away. The next thing (after the screaming) my mom and I heard was my sister saying, “Hit it harder! Hit it harder!”
As we got a bit closer we saw my brother with a huge rock in his hand trying to HIT THE LEECH off her ankle. My mom promptly ran over, slapped the rock out of my brother’s hand and picked the leech off my sister’s ankle with her fingers.
Needless to say my sister’s ankle was black and blue for a while, but she was just happy the leech was off.
Duh!
Kathryns last blog post..Trying
June 2nd, 2008 @ 2:51 pm
I always love love love all your crazy family stories. You could post one a day about them and I’d be the first in line to read them. =)
Mrs. Kittys last blog post..Reason #164578 why I might be a dumbass
June 2nd, 2008 @ 3:26 pm
I’m not sure I can type I’m still laughing so hard!! Wow, a hickey on your ankle from your 30 year old cousin!! eeeewwww!!
Pink Lemonade Lizs last blog post..It’s Not Just Canned Meat… It’s SPAM..
June 2nd, 2008 @ 3:58 pm
I was once bitten by a venomous snake (a copperhead). It sucked. Oddly, I didn’t know I’d been bitten and thought I’d sat on a pointy stick or something like that. Anyway, I survived, obviously. I didn’t even feel bad immediately - I kept hiking. That night my throat started to swell up and my lips were all swollen and then my husband found a fang in my back. We think it was a baby snake and because of the angle, it wasn’t able to inject much venom. Gross. It was hawt.
Tranny Heads last blog post..Work, Tranny Head, Work!
June 2nd, 2008 @ 5:06 pm
BAHAHA That is great!!
Kelseys last blog post..::Bare Bun Fun Run At NudeStock::
June 2nd, 2008 @ 5:26 pm
Thanks for the laugh. I really needed that today. I can’t think of a dumb relative story off the top of my head, but I will tell you that my husband’s entire family has the combined IQ of toothpaste.
kristis last blog post..Say What?
June 2nd, 2008 @ 6:29 pm
You want to know what’s really sad? Being from Texas, I have these relatives. This story does not shock me in the slightest.
Lelas last blog post..Death by Waffles….Sort of
June 2nd, 2008 @ 8:02 pm
Is it weird I feel sorry for Bobbie Joe? Also, i could not help but envision Bobbie Joe as Will Ferrell as Ricky Bobbie. My mind works in mysterious ways.
Eve Greys last blog post..I was a troubled soul I had a worried mind Drifting from place to place I was the restless kind
June 2nd, 2008 @ 8:37 pm
Giveaway? I totally blanked out on it. Did I enter? I’m subscribed to your feed, so I’m assuming I did. Help me. It’s Miller Time.
witchypoos last blog post..Perfect Post and More
June 2nd, 2008 @ 9:39 pm
You just inspired a blog about my brother. It will be at trivial tiffairs dot blogspot tomorrow. Gotta go hang out with my baby. He was gone for 4 days and we need to catch up on our snuggling.
Tiffanys last blog post..It Had To Be You by Susan Elizabeth Phillips
June 2nd, 2008 @ 10:16 pm
OMG…I am laughing so hard right now. That is hysterical - in a sad, are these people for real? kind of way.
My relatives? Sheesh. When I was 21, my dad’s cousin chose Christmas dinner to ask me if I was sterile. You know, as in unable to produce babies? I told her not that I was aware of, and she said “Well, you don’t have kids yet, I was wondering what was wrong with you”
My mother about choked. I just looked at her and said “See, there’s this thing called birth control? You should check it out sometime.”
Jerry Springer all the way!
Annies last blog post..School daze are here again…
June 2nd, 2008 @ 10:22 pm
My family’s idiocy is too enormous to fit in a comment. But their names are Bubba, Tommy, and Billie Joe - for reals.
Michelles last blog post..The Hymen Incident
June 2nd, 2008 @ 10:28 pm
that is a hicky story NOBODY wants to talk about
crunchy carpetss last blog post..Givaways and New Sites to Check Out!
June 2nd, 2008 @ 10:36 pm
Incredible story. Nothing that good on my family or even in-laws. Sometimes they are just too naive to be funny, but maybe thats what makes them so funny. I guess it’s mean to laugh at them, but it is so hard to resist.
Felicitys last blog post..For the sake of the family…
June 2nd, 2008 @ 10:37 pm
Girl, that’s my grandma’s real name!!!!! My grandparents are Bud and Beulah Faye. His sister, Lois, we called her Aint Lois. I was like 10 before I realized that she was my Aunt Lois. I’m not kidding.
We’ve got a right purty family, up yonder in the country. (I speak Texan fluently, ya know!!) The first time my husband visited my grandparents with me, I remember two things vividly. First, when we finally got to their house (after driving down several miles of dirt roads, and passing the dairy farm), he said, “wow, now I know where Egypt is.” “Egypt? What are you talking about, John?” “You know, when people say bum fuck Egypt (BFE)? Well, it doesn’t get any more bum fucked than this!” I just about peed my britches.
The second was that he kept leaning over to me at the supper table and asking, “What did she just say? I can’t understand your grandma. Or your grandpa.” I said not to worry, that he’d get used to it. He didn’t believe me. But he eventually did get used to it. He understands them now, and I think he’s both glad and a little sad about that.
~Brea
Brea in Texass last blog post..Monday Meal Plan
June 2nd, 2008 @ 11:20 pm
OMG! That is the funniest! I am crying over here it is so funny.
I have nothing that comes to mind of idiot relative stories. Darn, I know there are some!
Anyway, thanks for stopping by my blog. I hope you stop by again. I am definitely going to be checking you out…. Oh that sounds wrong but…. oh well!
Ericas last blog post..Happiness is a smiling dog!
June 2nd, 2008 @ 11:39 pm
No idiot relatives here.
Yeah, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Kels last blog post..Sushi
June 3rd, 2008 @ 5:23 am
Oh dear! I can’t stop laughing! My boys are staring at me with weird looks and I still can’t catch my breath to give them an answer…..
thanks for making my day!
angelines last blog post..Unspectacular Quirks Meme
June 3rd, 2008 @ 6:14 am
*ROFL* You should make a video to accompany that story. Great post!
Alices last blog post..The Boomerang and the Bowl of Plague
June 3rd, 2008 @ 6:15 am
Oh my, I have married into the same family. My brother in law’s name is Bubba. Really. I have a story from Thanksgiving that is so very Bubba. It involoved him bringing the fresh meat of the deer he had killed that morning to my feast. But the great part is that he “dressed” the dear in the front yard of his house. He lives in a SUBDIVISION for Pete’s sake. I could go on and on…
carolyns last blog post..Keepin’ it real.
June 3rd, 2008 @ 6:42 am
Unfortunately, my family are just too mad for any of the stories to be funny… they cross the line to bathos. Either that or I’m the idiot. I loved yours though.
Cheers
BC
Babychaoss last blog post..Social Nasticies Updated…
June 3rd, 2008 @ 6:56 am
i’m loving the new theme girl. it looks great.
jesss last blog post..I Once Had An Obsession With An Athlete
June 3rd, 2008 @ 7:42 am
Lmao..check out my blog for experiences with In-Laws
um, yeah.
Queen of Planet Hotflashs last blog post..Coupon Books, Fake Elvis & MIL
June 3rd, 2008 @ 8:22 am
lol…This is an hilarious story!
June 3rd, 2008 @ 8:38 am
hysterical. We should be buddies and share crazy family stories.
Here’s mine:
*the scene; 20 year old mother of 3, lives with her parents with her ‘common law’ husband. Her 3 year old is nekkid, as is lil sister, running in, mud on feet to eat lunch. Which is chicken nuggest, orange soda, and baked beans served on a cookie sheet on a coffee table. No utensils or plates. Just hands.
20 yr old mom-”the girls didn’t go to sleep until 3 am last night.”
me-”wow! they must be ready for naps.”
her-”naw, we don’t have them nap, there is really no point. They wouldn’t anyway. we just let them do what the want.”
tracis last blog post..7 Deadly Sins:Gluttony
June 3rd, 2008 @ 9:27 am
I love the new design! You are BIG time now, girl!
Lots of idiot relatives here; just haven’t found the humor in them yet.
Cautions last blog post..Buffalo Chicken Soup
June 3rd, 2008 @ 10:03 am
my grandmother loved storms. she wanted us to love storms. so whenever one rolled in off the ocean, she would cover us with a plastic tarp and tie us to the couch on the porch. tie us there. with like, rope. the side-ways rain would pelt us, the lightening would shriek and crack like ten feet from our faces, but we were safe because we were covered in plastic tied with rope to a wicker couch on a porch.
i loved that lady.
Darcys last blog post..Me Vs. New York Times
June 3rd, 2008 @ 11:01 am
hahaha and i thought my snake story was good, i love this one! kids crack me up!
bekahs last blog post..The Following Images May Disturb You
June 3rd, 2008 @ 11:35 am
That’s hilarious! I have tears in my eyes!
I was overrun with snakes and black widows when I lived in Springtown for 3 years recently. It was a mess! I haven’t even touched those stories yet in my blog. Frickin’ snakes!!
My mother-in-law used to tell her brother that when he was little, a little girl down the street used to tie a rock to his who-ha ‘to make it longer’. HAHA!
Danielle-lees last blog post..I’m Baaaaaaack! in 67 words
June 3rd, 2008 @ 11:45 am
Woohoo! I’m checking my family tree RIGHT now to see if your relatives are there. Seriously.
My mom is a nutcase. I’m not joking. As a child she and my grandparents had a lake house surrounded by woods. She had a friend there named Tommy. One day, she and Tommy were walking through the woods towards the lake house when my mom sees a wolf. She screams and takes off running leaving poor Tommy to fend for himself. Not 2 minutes later, she comes running back with a shot gun and starts shooting at Tommy…obviously MISSING the wolf, which if she’d have stuck around she’d have seen ran off when she screamed. I don’t think Tommy EVER forgave her for that.
June 3rd, 2008 @ 11:48 am
HAHAHA… I LOVED that story!!! How do you decide what to write??? You have so many stories!!! Oh- and the whole “Bobby Jo” name- fits SO perfect with a 30 year old sucking on an ankle- kinda.
As far as my family goes- Hmmm… I have an aunt who steals my grandmas year old white wine. She rides Harleys. Yells at me when I bathe my child and tells me I am going to give her exhima (sp?) * this was when Paisley was 4 months old. SEnds CHristmas presents out in Jan. DO I really need to go on?????
kalyns last blog post..AWESOME!!!!!
June 3rd, 2008 @ 12:26 pm
I don’t have those kind of idiot relatives. Mine are the kind that get mad at you and don’t speak to you for three years. They are the kind that marry asshole husbands who make everything worse. I am seriously going to join your family, especially for the crazy in-law with the christmas tree.
Lisas last blog post..Passive Aggressive Notes
June 3rd, 2008 @ 2:19 pm
I can picture this big ole man sucking on his ankle..OMG!
My cousin’s drunk husband who flirted w/ my cousins from the other side of the family at my wedding reception..then there is the cousin that went to jail … I’m sure if I thought about it I would have a million
mps last blog post..They don’t say burst anymore.
June 3rd, 2008 @ 3:09 pm
Wow - I go away for a few days, and you change everything!!
Not that I expect you to consult me or anything, I just meant that I should pay more attention.
This is almost as good as the 80s lady saga. I swear, I look forward to her stories almost as much as the Pioneer Woman’s Black Heels series…
That’s really saying something!
Melodys last blog post..Weekend Update - continued
June 3rd, 2008 @ 4:33 pm
My mother has two brothers. One of them (who is a good and decent man) got married at 15 because he “had to” as she was “in trouble”. My aunt was and always will be from the wrong side of the tracks. They have five children and about a thousand grandchildren. There is nary a college degree or a full set of teeth among them. Three of my cousins are drug addicts, the worse-off of the three lives on my aunt and uncle’s couch. The only male child lives in his son’s shed and smokes pot all day. Another cousin - who used to be a very successful and legitimate fashion model - now does porn.
The pièce de résistance is a second cousin (one of the grandchildren) who dropped out of school in the eighth grade to JOIN A CARNIVAL. Why? She was dating a boy who GREW UP IN A FAMILY OF CARNIES. So she drops out, runs away from home and into the arms of the bearded lady and lobster boy somewhere in Florida. The boyfriend’s father put her to work on the midway working one of those games that is impossible to win. He comes to the conclusion that he can make more money if she wears fewer clothes. She eventually catches on, flees into the night and at 14, hitchhikes home to Mississippi. The boyfriend comes after her and because he’s in luv. Fast forward a couple of months and the boyfriend is found dead in the parking lot of a Wal Mart. Second cousin is suspect #1. Sigh.
I assure you, the rest of us are totally normal.
Jennifers last blog post..Critters
June 3rd, 2008 @ 6:28 pm
Wow. You tell a fine story, and you tell it well.
That is downright hilarious. I think I’d be crying if someone was sucking on my leg for no good reason.
lks last blog post..Is He REALLY Guilty?
June 3rd, 2008 @ 7:09 pm
Bwahahaha, that’s funny. Reminds me of the time my mom and I dialed 911 because we thought we heard gun shots.
Umm, yeah, it turned out to be fireworks. The good news is that the people putting on the display failed to notify locals like they were supposed to, and we weren’t the only one’s that called 911 that night.
June 3rd, 2008 @ 7:28 pm
Um, Manda?
Your family?
Issues.
Jennis last blog post..Warning: Stereotypical Mom Blog Post
June 3rd, 2008 @ 7:46 pm
First- LOVE the new look
I must find out some of your secrets on the new digs.
Second- Whoa! Man sucking on leg for 20 minutes? Yep, lifelong nightmares.
At least it wasn’t a jellyfish sting, he could have peed on his leg
Sandy (Momisodes)s last blog post..A Jill of No Shades
June 3rd, 2008 @ 10:17 pm
My 26 year old son is DEATHLY afraid of snakes….
We’re talking… White knuckle scared…
A few years ago, when he still lived at home he went to leave for work, but found that there was a black racer basking in the sun on the walkway between the door and his car…
He ran out the back door and jumped the 6ft high fence to get to his car so that he wouldn’t have to go near it…
By the way…He ripped his pants on the way over, which in turn made him have to jump the fence to get back into the house to change…
Thankfully, the snake had moved on by then, and he was able to get to work with pants in tact!
Jackie
http://thoughtsfromthedeepend.net
PS- Love the new look!
Jackies last blog post..Everything’s Coming Up….
June 4th, 2008 @ 1:38 pm
I wish I knew the same people you know …
My sides would hurt and I would probably have tears in my eyes constantly …
Melissa from Pittsburghs last blog post..A Game
June 4th, 2008 @ 9:22 pm
oh my gosh! ROFL This is too freaking funny.
You know…your mom’s nephew would probably get arrested for sucking on a little boy’s ankle today. *evil grin*
My dogs think I’m weird when I laugh so hard. =)
castocreationss last blog post..Wordless Wednesday - I’m Really Tired Today
June 5th, 2008 @ 2:00 pm
If you ever have a family reunion, I want to crash it.
JMCs last blog post..I got a Swistle of a deal!!