It’s Never ‘As Seen On TV’
- May 27th, 2008 5:25 pm
My husband, Adam, always has some sort of new business plan or idea with one of his occupations. He’s sort of an overachiever. Which I’m not complaining about, because it’s the reason I can sit at home with our daughter, but anyway, one of his many occupations includes being a third generation auctioneer.
When Adam and I first started seeing each other he, of course, took me to an auction. He was going to the sale to buy ‘a load’ as they call it to resell at their place. I had never been to an auction, only seen one on tv. That’s a dangerous way to go into a situation, really. Basing what you think it will be like on what you’ve seen on television or the internet or in your imagination.
Dangerous, I tell you.
You see, at the auctions in television people always bid on items discreetly. They would yank on their ear or scratch their nose. They might raise the card with their bid number on it (because by the way, at an auction, you generally register for a number to bid with). Really, at the fictional television auctions, a slight movement indicated that you bid the amount of money they were calling. It was like they had a secret code.Do you see where this is going?
No? Me either. It’s nice that we are on the same page.
Anyway.
Adam and I arrived at the auction and found a seat. I’m a go with flow kind of person. So I, of course, didn’t ask many details about how this auction went down. I continued to think that surely it was just like the ones on TV. With that in mind, I sat there like a statue. I did not move a single inch, because mostly, I was terrified they would think that me scooting in my chair or picking a wedgie (i kid, i kid) was a bid on a thousand dollar antique dining room set. And well, it wasn’t. I was just trying to get comfortable–and wedgieless.
It didn’t matter though, I remained as still as a statue. I kept my arms and legs stiffly crossed and looked straight ahead. Somehow, sitting this way is even more difficult when the person on the microphone is talking so fast that you have no idea what they are saying.
At some point, about an hour into the sale, an hour into sitting frozen in my position, my nose started itching. And well, an itching nose obviously needs scratched. But the thing was, I couldn’t scratch my nose. On television, that indicated a bid. And I couldn’t bid. Not on any of the items that were up. What would I do if I accidentally bought a hundred year old rocking chair? I couldn’t scratch my nose if it was going to results in such a purchase.
So I sat there forever, as statuesque as possible, avoiding the much needed scratch. And well, if you’ve ever went a long period of time with a certain part of your body itching and you’re unable to scratch it(not that ‘it’, perv), then you know what I’m talking about. After a little while, you get a little panicky. The itch becomes so intense. It’s all you can think about, and you must find a resolution. No matter what the cost. But what if the cost was an antique lamp? or carnival glass butter dishes? or a hat that looks as if it was discarded by your great, great great aunt Myrtle back in the 1880’s?
Internally, I panicked for quite a while. The need to scratch became the only thing I could think about. At some point, after debating over embarrassing myself with the purchase of an item with a much needed scratch, I gave in and scratched.
And of course, nothing happened. I hadn’t accidentally purchased anything, Because this was real life. And real life isn’t always like what you see on tv. SHOCK! And at most auctions, nose scratches do not indicate bids. In fact, nose scratches simply indicate an itchy nose. It’s that easy. To bid you just have to raise your hand or bid card. It’s elementary really.
Adam was nice enough to not mention the fact that I had remained in the same position for at least an hour. That was nice of him, if you ask me. Then again, it’s sort of concerning. I would question someone if they remained in the same position for an hour.
Anyway, have you ever made an ass of yourself by basing something off of the impressions you got from television? No? Is it just me?
Also, I’m redoing my blogroll. If you’re interested in appearing just drop a comment. Hope you all had a wonderful memorial day weekend.
May 27th, 2008 @ 5:44 pm
All I can say is that parenting is not quite what the Cosby’s tried to tell me it was. FALSE ADVERTISING!
Burgh Babys last blog post..A Story in Pictures
May 27th, 2008 @ 6:01 pm
I was raised an only child in a tiny town in the middle of Nowhere, Arkansas. Learned everything I knew about the world from TV. So yeah. Pretty much every experience I had from age 18-24 resulted in me making an ass of myself. Except going to auctions. I knew all about that from real life.
Lisas last blog post..Big Blue Burger and Sweet Sweet Cherry Love
May 27th, 2008 @ 6:20 pm
Just recently I attended a ‘high tea’ at a fancy hotel. I seriously thought I might have to don a pair of white gloves or something, not to mention that I have absolutely NO table manners! Of course it turned out fine and I didn’t make a fool of myself, just sweat pretty good beforehand.
kspins last blog post..Well, It’s Not My Real Name…
May 27th, 2008 @ 6:32 pm
I can tell you right now, having a blended family is NOT like being in the Brady Bunch. AT all. Who knew?
Aside from the fact we have 3 boys, and are sans the 3 girls, and we don’t have a maid, and I don’t sit at home all day sewing or whatever it is Carol Brady did all day…
And I would LOVE to be on your blogroll!
May 27th, 2008 @ 7:04 pm
Hmm…I always feel like THE BIGGEST. GEEK. EVER. saying “please put me on your blogroll”. But…what the heck! If you’re redoing it anyway…:)
Shannons last blog post..another reason why i hate moving
May 27th, 2008 @ 7:16 pm
One TV gimic that always got me was that making your own clothes was cool (Pretty in Pink) until I tried to make my own clothing and wear it out in public.
Uber dork= me
Oh and blogroll me .. word.
Kims last blog post..A Mommy Blessing- May 26 2007
May 27th, 2008 @ 7:46 pm
I would’ve thought that, too! My only ‘as seen on tv’ moment was when I was 6. I was on the school playground & some friends and I spotted a dead bee. I decided to pick it up and got stung- not because I didn’t realize he had a stinger, but because I though it was on its face like the cartoons. I’m happy to report I’ve never been stung again (or picked up another dead bee)
Nissas last blog post..Motorcycle Blues
May 27th, 2008 @ 8:07 pm
I am going to sell my sister out for this one. Way back when, when we were little and moving to Ca, my sister was confused once she saw our house that looked very similar to the one we just moved out of. She thought everyone in CA lived in grass huts!! HEHEHE!!
Heathers last blog post..Day 1 In Santa Barbara – Hotel Room and the Pier
May 27th, 2008 @ 8:20 pm
I always hoped for a Cosby sorta family. You know, fun, friendly, and there was a chance that you and your family would break out into a song and dance…..in unison. Oh and I totally wanted to be black. Why? Don’t know. Just thought it would be cool. But I knew early on that I wasn’t part of my beloved tv family. I’m practically see-thru.
Kandis last blog post..Double Whammy
May 27th, 2008 @ 8:53 pm
Heh. I’ve so been in that exact situation. Except I was about 12. My Dad’s best friend was an auctioneer and he decided to let me tag along. Of course, he let me believe the same thing, because really, how funny he must have thought it was to watch a twelve year old try to sit that still for a few hours. Argh.
Anyways, about your last post, I never would have dreamed your are only 23. You don’t look old, but you have a very mature personality and seem to really have it together. 
And I would love to be on your blogroll.
May 27th, 2008 @ 9:40 pm
I love auctions. I spent a lot of time at them as a child. My hubby makes me “interpert” the auctioneer for he doesn’t understand the lingo. lol
Beth from the Funny Farms last blog post..Wooing Wed Widing Hood
May 27th, 2008 @ 9:42 pm
In my previous life as an attorney, I was working on a case involving fire, equipment damage, investigations, blah, blah, blah. As the senior associate was explaining what we were looking for in terms of where the fire originated, I chimed in about “V” patterns and accelerants. It turns out that I was right on with my assessment. He looked at me impressed, “You’ve worked an arson case before?” he asked. “No,” I said. “I watch CSI.”
And that is where I wish that real life were like TV because the room got very quiet and I desperately wished we could cut to commercial.
Dingos last blog post..The Amazing Race
May 27th, 2008 @ 9:50 pm
I’m with Burgh. Somehow marriage & parenting is much closer to The Bundy’s than the Huxtable’s.
Anglophile Football Fanatics last blog post..Saints Preserve Us
May 27th, 2008 @ 9:55 pm
Reminds me of that time I learned that the Vulcan neck pinch isn’t actually something that works.
Avitables last blog post..Funny, funny, funny . . .
May 27th, 2008 @ 10:17 pm
My mom is a “as seen on tv addict” I am now the proud owner of the pedi-egg, not sure of its real name, better yet, the potato grater for your feet. Kinda painful, but if I don’t have to relive the Seinfeld episode while getting a pedicure, totally worth it.
Felicitys last blog post..Unspeakable Moon Pie Attack
May 27th, 2008 @ 10:23 pm
We have an auction house here in town. I LOVE that place. I can get rotten art in nice frames for 5 bucks. The art isn’t worth anything. The frames are worth, like, 50 bucks and up.
Can I be on your new blogroll, please?
lceels last blog post..Did I forget?
May 27th, 2008 @ 11:01 pm
When I was little (back in the early 70’s), I had a HUGE crush on Steve Kylie from Marcus Welby M.D. and also Joe Gannon (Chad Everett) from Medical Center…
I used to think that every hospital would be staffed with doctors like them…
I’ve been in the hospital quite a few times… 5 times to give birth and several operations over the years, and I can ASSURE you…. they aren’t!
What a LET DOWN!!!
Jackie
http://thoughtsfromthedeepend.net
Jackies last blog post.."Genuine" Mistake…
May 27th, 2008 @ 11:39 pm
Oh my gosh I laughed out loud at this too funny! They really arent like TV? I would have done the same as you haha
Id love to be added!
May 28th, 2008 @ 12:00 am
Dude…hot doctors on ER?
Yea, false advertising
But all the workplace drama between colleagues, all true.
1 hour?!?!?! Ever thought of mannequin modeling?
I’d love to featured on the new blogroll! Can’t wait to see how you change it up
Sandy (Momisodes)s last blog post..One-Sided
May 28th, 2008 @ 12:51 am
I would have done the EXACT same thing you did. Hands down!
Carries last blog post..The Grand Slam
May 28th, 2008 @ 1:04 am
I used to watch way too much Happy Days (and Grease) and I couldn’t wait to go to high school so I could wear a red and white sweater and go eat at the local burger joint.
Julies last blog post..what does it all mean?
May 28th, 2008 @ 3:18 am
Ducks do NOT require a towel when they come out of the shower even when they don’t normally even wear pants.
A la Donald Duck.
Xbox4NappyRashs last blog post..The good news
May 28th, 2008 @ 3:44 am
thank you so much for stopping by my blog! It’s so SASSY!!!
May 28th, 2008 @ 5:36 am
You know, I would have sat silently without moving as well.
Veronicas last blog post..I Need To Not Think
May 28th, 2008 @ 6:27 am
That’s hilarious! I can imagine doing something like that. I’m the kind of person, though, that probably would have asked him a million times if it was okay to move, and then still not moved, just in case! haha.
Cassies last blog post..WW: Practice
May 28th, 2008 @ 7:25 am
I’ve found the polar opposite to be true of television auctions. We were trying to buy 4-H pigs for the kids and no amount of yelling, chair dancing or kid tossing would get the auctioneer to look our way.
May 28th, 2008 @ 7:52 am
I used to go to hog auctions with my dad. I remember trying REALLY hard to figure out what the auctioneer was saying, but to no avail. But I would totally have thought what you did and not wanted to buy a million dollar painting. hee hee.
Jennifer @ The Cubicle’s Backporchs last blog post..Lake Events and a Garter.
May 28th, 2008 @ 7:59 am
So I always figured I’d have a dozen children and we’d all be this well rounded family that never yells and always laughs and lives in this really nice house where ironically everyone has their own bedroom and enough bathrooms to spare. We’d have this perfect dog that NEVER went to the bathroom, and my husband and I would ALWAYS have time for each other and romance.
*sigh*
Needless to say, I have 2 children, a house barely big enough for the 4 of us, I’m tired non stop, and dear Lord I forgot what my husband looks like. Plus….the dog certainly does poop all over the yard, and he never sits when I tell him.
So yeah. Life is SO not like on TV.
P.S. I so would have sat there and done the same thing. I am concerned that your husband let you sit there that long. I think I’d have at least checked your pulse. *winks*
Tiff
May 28th, 2008 @ 8:40 am
Wait. So let me get this straight. You can scratch your nose? lol
I’d love to be on your blog roll
Ashleys last blog post..I’m Back!!!
May 28th, 2008 @ 9:06 am
This is what I irrefutably knew about life because of tv:
I would loose my virginity at prom.
Quicksand was dangerous and one of the top three ways I would probably die.
I would be kidnapped before I was 12.
Maybe by aliens.
When I got to highschool, my locker would be big enough to fit someone in.
That in highschool, me and all of my really cool, well rounded and diverse friends would hang out the hamburger shop and have dance offs and stuff.
(I single handedly blaim Saved by the Bell for ruining high school for me)
May 28th, 2008 @ 9:40 am
I was certain that I could go to the beach and create wonderful inventions from coconuts while looking glamorous. Thanks for that, Gilligan’s Island!
Cautions last blog post..We Need Some Decorating Advice, Part 1
May 28th, 2008 @ 10:34 am
I have never attended an auction but we have one by us every Saturday and I’m too afraid to go because I’m sure that I’ll sneeze or scratch my ear and end up going home with a home hair drying chair from 1954.
May 28th, 2008 @ 10:52 am
i had to laugh at this because my parents were really into going to auctions when i was in my teens, and being an admirer of antiques myself ..i went along with them to a few. i did the EXACT same thing. i sat there like stone, afraid that any movement would put me in the bidding race.
at least we learned our lesson, i guess!
May 28th, 2008 @ 10:54 am
Wow! A lot of commenting to read through. So let me get this straight, life is not like T.V.??? That’s usually where my mom gets all of her information, no matter how ridiculous it is. And when you ask her about it, she backs it up with “Well I heard it on t.v.” My husband and I love watching E.R. which is the closest to real medical accuracy (compared to House and Gray’s Anatomy) but we still like to nit-pick.Our friends won’t watch with us for that reason….
I wanna be on your blogroll. Pick me! Pick me!
Lisas last blog post..The Devil Is In The Details.
May 28th, 2008 @ 11:15 am
Wow. I hadn’t thought about it, but obviously I would have done the same thing only I avoid auctions at all costs. You see I am built like Larry the Cable Guy and have manners almost as good, so i would have bought a yacht or a yak or a yo-yo or a yellow submarine, or a…
sorry, my meds wore off for a sec.
So anyway, whenever you feel bad about doing something you feel is not smart, take heart in the fact I am there to bring the average down so you stay above alpacas on the food chain.
Houstons last blog post..Gripe Gripe Gripe
May 28th, 2008 @ 12:05 pm
Mine isn’t necessarily TV related, but my dumb moment (well one of many) was when IHOP first came to Utah. Of course we went and ate there (eh, kinda crappy food)…some time later we were wating TV and a commercial came on for it. I told my boyfriend that I’ve never eaten at the International House of Pancakes and I’d like to one day.
Of course he was like, “uh, yes you have.” and all defensive I say, “when?!”
When he stared at me blankly but realized I was serious so replied, “IHOP? International House of Pancakes? Hello?”
LOL
May 28th, 2008 @ 12:16 pm
I was once talking/signing to a blind and deaf man and was really surprised when he didnt feel my face to “see” what I looked like.
Apparently…they don’t really do that, at least not on a regular basis.
who knew.
bekahs last blog post..It’s just not fair
May 28th, 2008 @ 12:31 pm
How funny! I had the same thing happen to me.
Some friends of mine had invited me to an auction in a neighboring town and I was convinced that if I moved a muscle I had bought something. I sat perfectly still for an hour while my nose itched like crazy. Then I figured I could try to rub my nose on my shoulder without raising a hand. Boy, did I ever look like a fool trying this. My friends looked at me like I had completely lost my mind. I whispered that my nose itched and I didn’t want to look as if I was bidding on the hideous (and hideously expensive) furniture that was being auctioned off. They started cracking up laughing and told me I needed to be waving a bid card for the auctioneer to even notice me. Oops.
I hated fake TV/movie auctions for at least a month before I started to find the humor in it.
May 28th, 2008 @ 1:10 pm
ROFL I’m with you. I would have been sitting there still as can be in fear of buying something with one twitch or blink of an eyelid.
GReat post!
Rheas last blog post..To Do or Not To Do; Expressing Oneself through Bumper Stickers, Car Art & Vanity Plates.
May 28th, 2008 @ 1:18 pm
I make an ass of myself on a pretty regular basis thanks to television. I’m the one to shout “well so & so wouldn’t have done it like that.” Then my husband reminds me that the person I’m talking about is a fictional character from television.
Jessicas last blog post..5 Year Anniversary.
May 28th, 2008 @ 1:35 pm
I accidentally bought a motorcycle at an auction once by waving my friend’s number thingy like a fan. It was hot and I was tired. Fan. Fan. Fan. And this guy standing NOWHERE NEAR the auctioneer kept nodding his head at me. I was nodding back like, Dude, quit flirting with me already!
Before I knew it I was the owner of a shiny red motorcycle. The auctioneer did not think it was as funny as I did. But I owned a bike for five minutes so I like to consider it part of my racy ex-biker chick past.
BTW, If my blog is sassy enough for you I’d love to be on the roll. I also wish I knew how to make a roll of my own. So much computer jargon to learn…
carolyns last blog post..The Code Ya’ll.
May 28th, 2008 @ 2:03 pm
I’m sorry, but I cannot stop laughing. This is totally something I would do! I’ve never been to an auction either and the only kinds I’ve heard or seen were on TV as well.
Your hubby is very special not to make fun of you, mine would never have let me hear the end of it!
Your blog is hilarious - I will definitely be coming by again. Thanks for stopping by mine!
Stephanies last blog post..When Bloggers Meet…
May 28th, 2008 @ 2:10 pm
What a great post!
To answer your question, I moved to the US at age 18. My perceptions of the USA were shaped by TV. I thought you guys did nothing but drink and have sex.
Fortunately, I attended the one college in the country where kids STUDY, drink and have sex.
Sadias last blog post..They can count … sort of
May 28th, 2008 @ 2:11 pm
HAHAHA!!! That so sounds like something I would do. heh heh heh
Kathryns last blog post..WW- Saturday’s Setting Sun
May 28th, 2008 @ 2:15 pm
That is so funny! Props to you for lasting that long with that itch! I for sure would have caved in a long time before you did and just lived with the carnival glass butter dishes!
SherE1s last blog post..So I think I can dance
May 28th, 2008 @ 2:53 pm
That guys aren’t actually all idiots. I swear, all the TV I watched as a tween (before that was a word!) - guys were all the punchlines, no smart woman ever actually listened to what a guy said. I can’t think of an example from the time period, but more recently I’m thinking of Ray from Everybody loves Raymond. For some reason, I really just thought guys were for fun and had no brains. My husband is my match and then some, and that still can startle me!
NESs last blog post..Opus travelus
May 28th, 2008 @ 2:55 pm
I can be SOLD … so I purposely do NOT stay up late anymore - just TOO many infomercials — I have the minerals makeup, special conditioner, proactive, vitamans, diet programs, exercise equipment, videos, music cd’s, rotisserie, I even have a TURBO cooker! I AM A SUCKER and the stuff NEVER works like that at home!
Come-on … tell me you don’t want a Zorbeez or a ShamWOW - http://www.getshamwow.com - this is NEXT … I GOTTA HAVE ONE (or 8 for only $19.95+s/h)
* your on my BLOGROLL!
May 28th, 2008 @ 3:04 pm
My dad loves auctions.I can’t figure them out either. I don’t understand why people act like they arent going to bid and then bid. I think if I were going to bid I’d let everyone know so they would back down. Seems counterintuitive to me. Guess thats why I stick with the malls.
I’d love to be included in your blogroll!
Ritas last blog post..How to retire early and live the life you dream of living
May 28th, 2008 @ 3:49 pm
I’m sure there have been tons of times I’ve humiliated myself because I watch too much tv and believe everything I see!
Thanks for stopping by, btw!
May 28th, 2008 @ 4:18 pm
Dude, I would have totally done the same thing.
May 28th, 2008 @ 6:16 pm
I would love to be on your blogroll and I am so glad you cleared things up for us about auctions. I have never been to one and would have done the exact same thing so don’t feel bad!
Dirty Laundry Divas last blog post..Life is a changing, thank goodness!
May 28th, 2008 @ 7:25 pm
Once I walked into a bar and figured everyone loved me and everyone knew my name…
They didn’t.
Darcys last blog post..Take My Wife, Please
May 28th, 2008 @ 7:34 pm
Teehee… you and I are so similar. I would have been so preoccupied with my itch too.
Yes. I want to be on your blogroll. I think you are on mine. Hope so. I will have to check.
OHmommys last blog post..Mommy is having a heart attack…
May 28th, 2008 @ 7:46 pm
My son has Tourette Syndrome. They compare supressing to tics to not scratching your nose when it itches. Superb description you gave!
Jenn @ Juggling Lifes last blog post..Tears for Fears
May 28th, 2008 @ 7:49 pm
So funny. I endured my first livestock auction in mortal terror because my parents had actually TOLD me that if I moved a muscle, I’d be paying for whatever I bought.
They must have gotten a pretty good laugh out of watching the struggle I went through to sit still for once in my life!
I’d love to be included on your role of fame…
Kerrys last blog post..Gilligan, the Wonder Cat
May 28th, 2008 @ 8:06 pm
I don’t think I’ve ever made an ass of myself based on something I saw on tv. I prefer to create my own ass-making on my own.
Could I be on your blogroll? Please?
Jens last blog post..Too lazy to think of a clever title
May 28th, 2008 @ 8:07 pm
Well, I just butchered that last comment ON MY OWN. That’s pretty assy.
Jens last blog post..Too lazy to think of a clever title
May 29th, 2008 @ 1:15 pm
I almost did the same thing. I went to 2 auctions in my life and they were very different from each other. I’ll never forget it.
May 29th, 2008 @ 1:44 pm
I probably would have done the same, but I lack the willpower to maintain the same position for an ENTIRE HOUR, so I would’ve caved earlier.
JMCs last blog post..Buncha Books, issue 3
May 29th, 2008 @ 2:29 pm
I once got into a conversation with a police office about tv shows like CSI. He said people who watch that show make his job tough. Apparently, the police department doesn’t dust for fingerprints or take DNA swabs for every single crime committed. Who knew.
And, blogroll me pleez. Thanx.
LunaNiks last blog post..Holy Inappropriate-ness *Updated: RETRACTION*
May 29th, 2008 @ 10:57 pm
As I just deleted a blog and starting anew one I could use a mention on a blog list. Thanks!
Chasing Myself
http://jerbrr22.blogspot.com
used to write Twist & Skewer.
JaniceNWs last blog post..No One Even Noticed
May 29th, 2008 @ 11:43 pm
I constantly make an ass out of myself based on assumptions - DAILY.
gorillabunss last blog post..today, i would have received my 30 day chip
May 30th, 2008 @ 12:36 am
I went to an auction recently, and I scrunched down at the back for the very same reason. The auctioneer was so funny and I had the best time.
And if you’re redoing the blogroll, could ya pop me in there too?
May 30th, 2008 @ 10:37 am
I use to go to an auction for the NRA (you know, the gun folks?), and all I know was that I had to raise this little card paddle thing called something about “Maggie’s Pants”… or something. I just tried Googling it and found nothing. Maybe it was a practical joke all those years? Not sure.
Sure, I’d love to be on your blogroll. You’ve been on mine since forever. Or whenever I found you.
maggies minds last blog post..Haiku Friday 5/30/08
May 30th, 2008 @ 4:03 pm
hee heee… My FIL is an Auctioneer and now I just have to tell him this story. I hope you’re writing that book. Can I be on your blogroll? Pretty please and thank you?
Renes last blog post..I Am Tired of Being Sick!
May 31st, 2008 @ 12:10 am
“OOh OOH OOH- (hand raised, waiving in the air) Put me on your blog roll…. me me me”
Kalyns last blog post..AWESOME!!!!!