Pink Lines & She’s All Mine
- May 8th, 2008 5:21 pm
"You don’t really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around – and why his parents will always wave back. " ~William D. Tammeus.
I think some people dive into motherhood knowing what to expect, or at least thinking they know what to expect. And well, I’ll be the first person to admit that I had not a single clue. A lot of people leap into motherhood expectedly, and I think that probably has a lot do with it also.
It didn’t come as easily for me. My pregnancy with Allie was not planned. And to be honest, I was one of those people that claimed I was never having children. As far as I know, I had no intentions of ever doing so.
So when the various symptoms of pregnancy showed up, I didn’t even realize what they were. Which sounds stupid. But believe it or not, to a person not expecting to get pregnant and not expecting to look for the symptoms, they’re not easily recognizable. Boy, I thought to myself, when I was queasy, it sure is odd to get the flu in June. Seriously, who gets the flu in June? And why in the free world did the flu make my boobs swell and ache this time? And why was it making me puke every day?
Later, after contemplating this phantom flu, I realized that my always by the clock period was late. And then it dawned on me.
I was pregnant.
PREGNANT? I thought. Surely not. Not me.
To ease my fears and convince myself that I was not in what my grandma had called ‘the family way’, I ventured to the local K-mart to procure a pregnancy test. I scanned the aisle for what seemed like hours, hoping to find the one that would be negative. At the time, I needed that negative. I couldn’t have a baby, I thought. I had never even held a newborn baby. I had never wanted to hold a baby. They pooped on themselves and expected you to clean it up? How rude is that? A tiny creature that pooped on itself? No thanks.
What was I going to do with a baby? I didn’t even know any lullaby’s. I mean, sure I remembered some, but I didn’t know all of the words. And I am by far the worst singer on the planet. Would I sing it Red Hot Chili Pepper songs? Would the child appreciate Under the Bridge or Scar Tissue? Would he or she cry when they heard my voice attempting a melody? Because It makes me want to cry sometimes.
After perusing pregnancy tests until my eyes were nearly crossed from reading the details of the pink lines with the altering directions, I finally just picked one. A pee stick was a pee stick, I figured. I paid for it, and I took it home.
My friend A. came over and stayed while I took the test. And believe me, it took a while to convince myself to go take it. Because before I even did the pee-stick maneuver, I just knew. I just had that feeling. Still, I went into the bathroom and began. (Unbeknownst to me, that was the first of many times I would spend in a bathroom peeing on or in some apparatus for a test.)
I remember thinking the whole time, ‘Please just say no. I know I’m probably pregnant, but you could just say no? I like to plan things. I like to make lists and organize my life. This isn’t planned? Please, please, just let me be in charge of this.”
But when I saw the result, positive as indicated by the lines, my stomach dropped to floor. At first I thought that the test might be wrong, though it was telling me what my body already knew, I hoped it was wrong. But the box had said light pink lines would appear, and mine were the brightest pink I had ever seen. Fluorescent, almost. But I was still shocked. Even when you expect a certain outcome, it’s sometimes still a surprise.
Soon, my surprise turned into a tornado of nausea. Do you know that feeling you get when you’re really nervous? Maybe your hands shake, or maybe your eyes tear up, or maybe you really have to poop, or maybe you feel like you are going to burst out of your skin and run to the nearest looney bin. It w as all of those things in one. It was as if a cyclone of nerves, a combination of those feelings, was whirling around in my body and beckoning my sanity.
I let the news sit for a while. I took a long bath. A looooooong bath. The longest.bath.ever.
I cried for a while. I laughed for a while. I wondered how the Birth Control, which I thought was similar to Alcatraz in security, had failed me, or how I had failed it. I wondered a lot of things. I wondered for so long that I probably contemplated who killed JFK? And how many licks did it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? And who actually liked the color orange? And why? It doesn’t even rhyme with anything. And why me? There were people all over the world hoping and praying for babies. There were women in desperate need of my outrageously flagrant fertility, and why did it have to show off? Did my reproductive system think it was in a talent show? And why was it trying to win? Freaking overachiever.
Then, after loads of contemplation, I was calm.
Somehow, someway, I was calm. And everything became okay. Now, I realize that a sudden state of calm ensuing sounds sort of crazy, but calm always rescues me that way. It just creeps up and crawls over me like a fog. A thick, but well received fog.
You see, maybe I hadn’t been planning on having a baby anytime soon or even ever, but I knew that this was my baby. It was our baby. I knew there was a reason for her being. She was given to me for a reason. It wasn’t just my reproductive system trying to impress the free world.
And after that, my whole view and world changed.
Truthfully, I have been and will always be ever-so grateful to have her in my life. There are nights when I tiptoe into her room to peak in on her sleeping, and she’s so sound and peaceful. So honest. I crawl into her twin bed and lay next to her tiny body, rest my head near her shoulder, run my hands through her curly red hair, and I thank the powers above that she is mine. Ours.
For me, this unexpected gift was the best I’ve ever received. And in the three years, two months, and four days since I pushed Allie into this world, she has been my saving grace, the light at the end of the tunnel.
When she laughs, the world is peaceful, calm, and true. Everything just makes sense.
I have learned more from this tiny soul than I ever have from any other source. I learned how to change diapers, kiss boo-boos, potty train, play in the rain, and hold a baby. I’ve learned to tolerate children’s songs, laugh freely and loudly, and how to deal with a little shadow, a minor mimic of major proportions.
Each stage of her life thus far has been a blessing. Though the latest is my favorite. I’m convinced that if I ever became a hoarder, instead of being a crazy old cat lady, I would just hoard potty-trained three year olds and talk to them all day. Listen to the things they came up with and laugh loudly and joyously with them.
Maybe I didn’t plan to be a mother, but I am. I love it. And I’m damn good at it.
May 8th, 2008 @ 5:36 pm
Oh, man, I SO know what you mean by the damned flourescent pink stripes. Been there with my lsat, though it took me consdierably longer to find the calm than it did you!
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May 8th, 2008 @ 5:38 pm
i wasn’t as surprised as you (fertility drugs kinda take the whole oops out of things) but i was still shocked to the core. cried. showered. cried. threw the pee stick at my husband. why? to this day, i have no idea. total, earth quaking panic. the next pregnancies were a little less scary, but the end result is always the same. and when all three are laughing and yucking it up together? lordy. thanks for making it sound so beautiful, esp: “a minor mimic of major proportions.”
Darcys last blog post..Me, All Classy-like
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May 8th, 2008 @ 6:21 pm
Beautifully written I loved this! I also love that quote!
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May 8th, 2008 @ 7:03 pm
Oh how lovely. I LOVE the quote at the beginning.
Eve Greys last blog post..Little sister, don’t you do, what your big sister done
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May 8th, 2008 @ 7:28 pm
Great post. It took us years to get prego with our first two. Our third was a REEEEEAAAALL surpise. I remember holding a little baby in my arms while looking a pregnancy test and just about DIEING at the positive result on that stick. LOL
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May 8th, 2008 @ 7:33 pm
Little Man wasn’t planned either. I had hoped for it though. When I started having symptoms I thought it was too good to be true so I waited until I was about 7 weeks along to take the test. It took the morning sickness to finally convince me to take the test my mom and friends already knew would be positive. I had all kinds of symptoms before that, I just didn’t think it was true.
I was ecstatic, but like you, sooo nervous. I had never even babysat a child before! I was so worried I would have no idea what to do with him.
Beautiful story.
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May 8th, 2008 @ 8:09 pm
Wonderful post, and she is SO ADORABLE. BTW, Goofy Boy’s favorite song as a baby was Scar Tissue.
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May 8th, 2008 @ 8:25 pm
This is a truly beautiful post.
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May 8th, 2008 @ 8:49 pm
What a great post!
I was utterly shocked when I got pregnant with my son, too. I took several tests just to be sure. My husband was shocked, too – and thought I was kidding when I told him. He didn’t even miss a beat when he was folding the laundry! And yet now that I have him? I can’t imagine my life any other way.
Law Student Hot Mamas last blog post..My Baby’s a SWINGER (and other thoughts)!
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May 8th, 2008 @ 8:59 pm
OMG… I am SOOOOO stealing that quote. I haven’t even read the post yet…. but I will right now. BRB.
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May 8th, 2008 @ 9:08 pm
WOW… we are so alike. We should be friends
I too wasn’t “planning” to have my sweet little Paisley…. I had the SAME emotions as you- and I can TOTALLY understand the calming fog roll over you- when the fog entered my life- I knew it was all going to be okay. I can’t say that the past 2 years and 9 months have been the easiest years of my life- but they have been the happiest- and I owe it all to my mini me. 
Hey…. Happy Mothers Day… a few days early, but $hit, every say should be mothers day!!!
Kalyns last blog post..Cruisin’
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May 8th, 2008 @ 9:10 pm
okay- I’m back again… I’d just like to say how much better all like 5 of you (above me) have made me feel that you too, weren’t “trying” to conceive. I always felt so alone that I wasn’t “trying”!!! Yeah for us non-planners
Kalyns last blog post..Cruisin’
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May 8th, 2008 @ 9:32 pm
That was really sweet.
I didn’t want kids. My sister’s 11 years my junior. I love her, but didn’t care to do the parenting thing again.
To help convince my husband that we really should have kids, I went into therapy. I came out of a year of therapy okay with the idea of being a parent. (That was NOT the plan!) I did know that I didn’t know anything about being a mom, though. And of course, we were pregnant with not one but TWO Doodles a month into not really trying to not get pregnant.
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May 8th, 2008 @ 9:52 pm
Wow! What a wonderful post! Beautifully written!
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May 8th, 2008 @ 10:06 pm
What a great post!
Sounds like Allie is loads of fun!
Happy Mother’s Day.
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May 8th, 2008 @ 10:12 pm
Great post.
I was shaking so hard when I held the stick out to my husband, that he couldn’t even see it until he grabbed it from me…. and read the direction sheet five more times. To this day, I believe I am the only one on my Dec 2007 mommies forum who was actually trying NOT to get pregnant. It tore me up for a while.
I never really had that calm. I still doubt motherhood every single day, and I feel unbelievable guilt over it. Perhaps, as many have suggested, I’m just not a “baby person”. But I have major doubts as to whether I’ll be a toddler, child, or teenager person, either.
I’m just be waiting for that magical day when I wake up and think, “Well shoot! I LIKE being a mother! It MIGHT be the best thing I’ve ever done.” Until then, I press on with absolutely no idea what I’m doing or how to do it better tomorrow.
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May 9th, 2008 @ 12:40 am
So.Sweet!
Love the last line, too.
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May 9th, 2008 @ 12:41 am
I just melted into a little puddle of Mama goodness in my office chair.
Beautiful, just beautiful.
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May 9th, 2008 @ 12:51 am
What a beautiful post! It makes me want to go kiss all of my sleeping kiddos.
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May 9th, 2008 @ 5:20 am
most days I PRAY I get to the point where I can state and wholly believe Im DAMN GOOD AT IT.
great post.
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May 9th, 2008 @ 7:31 am
The only time I have ever peed on a stick was in a forest standing next to a tree – which had probably mothered the stick. On the other hand, being uterus-less, that’s probably the only reason I’ll EVER have to pee on a stick. Unless, of course, I were to do so accidentally, while writing my name in the snow, for example. Lovely story. Happy Mother’s Day. Sunday. Not today. Today’s Friday. And it’s not Mother’s Day, yet. but soon ….
lceels last blog post..100 Word challenge – Eden
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May 9th, 2008 @ 8:10 am
I’ve so taken a few pregnancy tests in my day… my period is very sporadic, so I do it sometimes just to be sure. So far it’s been negative, which is good because I’m not ready for a kid yet.
I loved the part about you thinking about everything in the tub (how many licks does it take had me laughing).
Great post.
Jennifer @ The Cubicle’s Backporchs last blog post..Mothers Day Gifts
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May 9th, 2008 @ 9:04 am
What an awesome post! I loved how you say you’re a damn good mother, instead of pretending you’re somehow inadequate. More mothers should be so confident in how they’re raising their kids.
Happy early Mother’s Day!
andis last blog post..Keeping you in the loop
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May 9th, 2008 @ 9:12 am
i cannot wait to pee on a stick and see a positive. we’ve been trying for so long, i want to experience the same thing you did.
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May 9th, 2008 @ 9:27 am
Great post, Amanda!
Oh, >>I<< get the flu in summer. Yeah, crazy, I know.
Every child loves ‘Under the Bridge’!
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May 9th, 2008 @ 9:56 am
Aww.
I’m so not ready to be a mom right now, I would not be a great mom right now, but I can’t wait to have kids. My mom is one of 12 and I’m the 6th eldest of 35 cousins (on her side only). It’s in our genetics to love kids. My mom is the best mother in the world and I told her she needs to write a How To book. I’m 25, definitely not ready for a baby… I’m thinking 30.
Mandis last blog post..sad excuse for an entry
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May 9th, 2008 @ 10:25 am
This was beautiful. Funny how the man upstairs has a different plan than indended huh?
What beautiful post.. Happy Mother’s Day!!
Kims last blog post..Thursday Thirteen – Ode to my BFF
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May 9th, 2008 @ 10:54 am
Beautiful post — love it.
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May 9th, 2008 @ 11:01 am
This put such a big smile on my face
Thank you!
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May 9th, 2008 @ 11:22 am
love love love this post!
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May 9th, 2008 @ 11:41 am
1st: Most adorable picture ever!
2md: I was/am in your shoes exactly…
3rd: I still LOVE your blog, wholeheartedly
Keep it up!
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May 9th, 2008 @ 11:43 am
Doesn’t it make you wonder how different of a mom you’d be if it was planned?
She is a lucky girl and you a lucky mom!
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May 9th, 2008 @ 12:42 pm
Beautiful post.
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May 9th, 2008 @ 12:48 pm
Great story. She is so adorable.
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May 9th, 2008 @ 1:09 pm
You captured your feelings and put them into words so well in this post. What a wonderful tribute to being a mom. So many of us don’t plan or expect it, so I’m sure many can relate to what you went through.
Happy Mother’s Day!
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May 9th, 2008 @ 3:27 pm
What a beautiful post! I’m steal’n that quote!
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May 9th, 2008 @ 5:42 pm
This? Is BEAUTIFUL. Happy Mother’s Day!
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May 9th, 2008 @ 6:03 pm
This is one of the best mama posts I have read in a long time.
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May 9th, 2008 @ 7:38 pm
This is so touching. And funny in a way because I had a girlfriend who didn’t realize she was pregnant until 3 months in. Her shock was similar to yours. How could she not have known? Then her baby came a month early. So by her count she was only pregnant for 5 months. Shortest pregnancy ever with a very healthy and happy baby at the end.
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May 9th, 2008 @ 7:41 pm
I love your description of the ramblings in your mind. I often wonder why orange doesn’t rhyme with anything either. And, for me the most nervous ready to hurl moment was on the way to the hospital knowing my life would forever change.
Happy Mother’s Day. They are are greatest gift.
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May 9th, 2008 @ 8:09 pm
Brilliant. This was beautiful and perfect.
Our first wasn’t planned, but she was a blessing that changed our lives.
Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
You are so amazing and such a great writer.
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May 9th, 2008 @ 8:22 pm
Thanks for stopping by my blog! Your daughter is adorable. I shall return!
Angies last blog post..You have GOT to be kidding me…
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May 9th, 2008 @ 8:53 pm
Awwwww…. that is the best post.
I totally remember what I was feeling after I found out I was prego with my first.
Holy Shit. What did I do?
I love what I do. It is the best! HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!
OHmommys last blog post..Motherhood Has No Script
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May 10th, 2008 @ 2:26 am
Oh sweetie, I just spent the last hour helping Moo dye her hair. And then I read this and I was catapulted back, 16 years ago, when as practically a child myself I peed on that stick.
Kelleys last blog post..This is the way it is goin’ down, yo.
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May 10th, 2008 @ 10:12 am
Every single one of our kids were surprises, which I guess shouldn’t surprise me because obviously we are card carrying birth control MORONS.
That said, what a beautiful post.
FabGirls last blog post..Friday Five
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May 10th, 2008 @ 10:36 am
A- just a few things…. I was on Pioneer Woman, and she asked people to enter our favorite Blog in a comment- fr a give away- and I noticed your name in there quite a bunch!!! YAY!!!!! Also- I tagged you on my Blog.
hehehehehe….. GO READ IT, and DO IT.
P.S you like how I called you “A” ? We’re cool like that!
~K
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May 10th, 2008 @ 4:46 pm
Quite beautiful and touching post. It even made me a little teary-eyed. I’m sure the tears are due to hormones that are linked to the unexpected bun in my oven. I understand everything you wrote completely.
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May 10th, 2008 @ 10:31 pm
I got preggers while on birth control also. AND I never, ever wanted children.
Then…
I had two back to back.
Life’s got a weird way of sneaking up behind you and biting you on the ass, eh?
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May 11th, 2008 @ 5:42 am
nicely written.
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May 12th, 2008 @ 12:10 pm
Great post. Wonderful writer. Beautiful daughter! I’m so glad you had her!
Danielle-lees last blog post..To all the muthas I know and love
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May 12th, 2008 @ 3:22 pm
Oh my gosh this brings tears to my eyes. I WANT to see those bright pink lines. Badly. And haven’t yet. My stomach drops when I don’t see them.
And your daughter is beautiful. =)
castocreationss last blog post..Happy Monday Morning!
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May 12th, 2008 @ 8:53 pm
What a beautiful post, especially the part about crawling into bed to admire and thank. Loved it.
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May 13th, 2008 @ 11:30 am
Beautiful post!
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May 14th, 2008 @ 8:16 am
Aww girl, LOVED this!!
amys last blog post..Nursing is NOT in her future
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May 14th, 2008 @ 4:35 pm
i put the d before the g, also. i think it’s because i always say fridge? not frige? it’s weird. i don’t know. lol.
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May 16th, 2008 @ 9:35 pm
That was fantastic. I’m so glad being a mom is good for you. Your daughter is gorgeous! My niece got the red curls, though, not my kids.
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May 18th, 2008 @ 6:53 pm
Awesome post. I can’t add anything other than awesome.
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May 19th, 2008 @ 10:04 am
Well put.
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May 23rd, 2008 @ 12:08 am
Ohh..I love this..love, love, love it.
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May 24th, 2008 @ 7:53 am
Wow. Its hard to believe someone that isn’t me going through that. Yeah I never wanted kids either and was in so much denial that I didn’t pee on that stick until I was 5 months in. Yeah–5. My son is amazing though. If you think 3 is cool, 9 is awesome. Hmm. I may have to venture into mommy-blog territory for a post or two myself.
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