Feigning An Itch
- May 6th, 2008 9:44 pm
Since I began blogging many of my posts have contained stories or jokes which my husband was the butt of. (Like this one ,this one , this one , and this one ) Some of you have jokingly expressed concern for him. And let me assure you that this is not a one sided joke fest. Our heckling is equally reciprocated.
In fact, it’s safe to say that he relates stories and makes an ass out of me as frequently and as much. I’ll provide a fabulous example for those of you worrying about him.
I’m not sure if you’re familiar with Cracker Barrell or not. However, it’s a restaurant that specializes in impersonating down home type foods. Outside of the restaurant area of some Cracker Barrels there is a small general store of sorts that sells a variety of items that vary from candles to toys. Generally, after eating, I peak around in there for quite a while. After a few minutes of me sniffing every Yankee Candle within reach, Adam became quite impatient.
Come on, he said.
I’m not ready yet, I replied.
How many more of those Candles are you going to sniff? he asked.
All of them, if you don’t leave me alone, I shot back.
Then, because he knows me so well, he had to scheme up a true plan to get me out of there before I was ready to leave.
So he begins announcing, to anyone that would listen, that his privates were itching.
“MY PRIVATES ARE ITCHING!” he shouted in the direction an older woman hobbling by with a cane and a chartreuse cardigan.
I stopped sniffing whatever candle I had my nose buried. And looked up and gave him the stink eye, hoping that it would either stop him in his tracks or induce third degree burns.
Apparently, it had neither of those effects. Because soon he began shouting even more loudly, “BUT MY NUTS, MY NUTS ARE ITCHING!”
Then, my face turned a shade of red that upstaged any stop sign in a fifty mile radius. But I still held my ground. I wasn’t letting his imaginary crotch itch stop me from sniffing candles. Because I LOVE me some candle sniffing.
But no. He wasn’t finished.
“I’M HAVING A HERPES FLARE UP! A REALLY BAD HERPES FLARE UP! MY NUTS ARE ITCHING!!”
I lost my breath and nearly passed out. Was he faking an STD just to get out of Cracker Barrel? SERIOUSLY? Was that last sniff of Clean Cotton worth it? Who knows.
After that, I left. If the man had gone and faked an STD, he must really want to go. Besides, if you’ll act like you have herpes just to get out of the Cracker Barrell. Well, you probably need to leave.
Because I love him, I let him ride in the car with me. Which was very generous, if you ask me.
May 6th, 2008 @ 10:05 pm
I love me some candle sniffing too. And yes, it was generous of tyou to let him ride in the car - who knows what you could have caught with him itching like that?
Hehe too funny
Suzes last blog post..Homework Hell
May 6th, 2008 @ 10:11 pm
Whaaaaat?! He DID that to you???? For real???
I mean, I guess it’s not all bad that he knows what he wants and just kind of goes for the jugular, but whaaaaat?!
Great blogging fodder though, huh??
May 6th, 2008 @ 10:12 pm
Your husband needs to meet my husband. NO. Never mind. That would be a terrible idea. **laughing**
Beth from The Funny Farms last blog post..Contest Winner, One Dork and A Skull!
May 6th, 2008 @ 10:26 pm
comeback- “That’s what you get for cheating on me with a prostitute!”
He may not have asked you for that ride home after that.
Sandy (Momisodes)s last blog post..Birthday Karma: Follow Up
May 6th, 2008 @ 10:48 pm
You are waaaaaaaaaaaaay nicer than I am. I would have told him:
A) That’s why you shouldn’t rub yourself against public urinals
or
B) That’s what happens when you masturbate with other people’s dirty underwear
or something equally classy
That is pretty damn funny girl.
rachels last blog post..Blissfully Boy-sterous
May 6th, 2008 @ 10:52 pm
Poor Guy…. You should just go to a Partylite show.. then you can sniff candles till your heart’s content!
Darcis last blog post..Let me off
May 6th, 2008 @ 10:59 pm
Have I told you lately that I love you? I also love the Cracker Barrel and miss living anywhere near one. Y’all are too funny and deserve each other - in a good way, of course
Maggie’s Minds last blog post..The Annual Wallow
May 6th, 2008 @ 11:02 pm
I knew I could trust you to make me feel better! That’s truly creative on Adam’s part. The best my husband can come up with to get me moving is his grumpy I’m-a-soldier face or some lame child-needs-diaper-changed excuse.
Sadias last blog post..Accidents happen …
May 6th, 2008 @ 11:13 pm
Be glad he wasn’t doing some sniffing of his own.
May 6th, 2008 @ 11:22 pm
OK, so tears are running down my face!! That is too funny! He faked a STD!
That was hysterical, not nice AT ALL, but super funny!
Thanks for the laugh!
Kristens last blog post..Adding another page to the story book of our lives.
May 6th, 2008 @ 11:29 pm
TOO funny! Wow!!
Kelsey Smiths last blog post..::She is such a Lady::
May 6th, 2008 @ 11:38 pm
I just cracked up laughing, that’s hilarious. I needed a laugh!!
Mandis last blog post..mr whiskers in the carport with the…
May 6th, 2008 @ 11:54 pm
too funny, I can totally see my husband doing that!!
Alisons last blog post..Weekend Retreat
May 6th, 2008 @ 11:55 pm
I hope you aren’t secretly married to my 16 year old son. He did something similar the other day to his sister. At Walmart. But it was his butt instead of his nuts. And he didn’t add the herpes part. NOT ONE PERSON even seemed to notice. Gotta love Walmart.
Lisas last blog post..Chicken & Chard and Sweet Mayonnaise Love
May 7th, 2008 @ 12:28 am
You never cease to make me laugh! I read aloud your story to my husband, to both showcase how incredibly funny you are, and to warn him NEVER to do that to me!
Kandis last blog post..Don’t mess with me buddy!
May 7th, 2008 @ 2:06 am
Wow, you guys are so awesome and I’m sure you’ll laugh about it (if you aren’t already) a few years down the road
If I were in your shoes though, I don’t think hubby would have made it that far! I’d have dropped that candle so fast and gone running for the door!
Huckdolls last blog post..Seven Deadly Sins
May 7th, 2008 @ 6:54 am
I would pull some prankster move like that and Mr.T would stare me down like an idiot. He soooo doesn’t get toilet humor.
I laughed like crazy reading this, especially b/c I just put another Clean Cotton in my bathroom!
tracis last blog post..Career, Interrupted
May 7th, 2008 @ 7:25 am
Wow. The roles are totally reversed in my marraige. I’m embarassing and incorrigible, and my poor husband is a long-suffering saint. I like to think we balance each other out…
Jens last blog post..Day 9 of Month 359
May 7th, 2008 @ 8:45 am
Okay…maybe I don’t feel to bad for him now.
I LOVE that story!!!
Jennifers last blog post..Tagged
May 7th, 2008 @ 8:52 am
You should have just continued blithely sniffing the candles and casually thrown back, over your shoulder, “SEE? I TOLD you those two dollar hookers would get you in trouble …”
lceels last blog post..Physical Therapy
May 7th, 2008 @ 9:12 am
Hysterical. I was laughing out loud in my 10×10 whole at the office.. You were kind to let him ride home with you..
I need to try this tactic next time I am shopping with the hubby at a Golf store.. oh the fun I could have..ahahah
Kims last blog post..Wordless Wednesday - Creepy Tree
May 7th, 2008 @ 10:05 am
I’m thinking you two were really made for each other - and that’s a good thing:)
May 7th, 2008 @ 10:44 am
That is too funny! Not even I am that bold! LOL I love candle sniffing too! I think it’s cute the way the two of you pick at each other.. you seem like very good friends in addition to being a married couple.
Renes last blog post..Has It Really Been Ten Years?
May 7th, 2008 @ 11:40 am
Wow! I would have made him walk home.
I’ll go yankee candle sniffin any ole day…and YES, I have to sniff every single one!
Amanda- VintageDutchGirls last blog post..I Just Wanted Some Coffee…
May 7th, 2008 @ 12:25 pm
He’s my new hero.
Xbox4NappyRashs last blog post..A positive negative
May 7th, 2008 @ 12:47 pm
Oh. My. Thank goodness hubby wouldn’t even think of doing this… but then again, I shop alone; I never take him along.
Sounds like your hubby is Shamelessly Sassy as well…
Maureens last blog post..They Say If You Put A Shell To Your Ear…
May 7th, 2008 @ 1:39 pm
That is Awesome!
iheartmacncheeses last blog post..I guess I’m ready
May 7th, 2008 @ 2:12 pm
Classic! He is a nut!
May 7th, 2008 @ 2:22 pm
the links aren’t working…
He is a BIG risk taker, that could have gone VERY poorly
mps last blog post..I hate "mommy-bloggers"
May 7th, 2008 @ 2:35 pm
OMG. I don’t get embarrassed often, but I would probably crawl under the candle display if he were my hubby!!!
Is he related to my hubby??
Danielle-lees last blog post..Nat-a-leeeeeeee
May 7th, 2008 @ 2:47 pm
Bwahahahahahahahah! This is awesome, I would’ve died on the spot, laughing!
Ashley - BossSanderss last blog post..Questions 51 -55 - Answered. WANTED: 45 more…from anyone!
May 7th, 2008 @ 3:39 pm
You WERE very generous. But, that was freakin’ hilarious.
Tara R.s last blog post..Random Wednesday
May 7th, 2008 @ 4:56 pm
Ha ha ha. I would have KILLED him.
andis last blog post..Keeping you in the loop
May 7th, 2008 @ 5:26 pm
OMG that was YOU???
Mrs Hannigans last blog post..No Autographs, please
May 7th, 2008 @ 7:22 pm
Can you guys please move to my neighborhood? Seriously.
Darcys last blog post..8 Things
May 7th, 2008 @ 7:28 pm
I think I am wishing you lived closer. I know for a fact Adam & I would get along well. Very well. He is my kinda funny.
Anglophile Football Fanatics last blog post..It’s Howdy Doofus Time
May 7th, 2008 @ 7:58 pm
That is seriously SO funny. I am totally to tell my husband about this. Because HE won’t do it to ME, but I WILL do it to HIM!!!
RubiaLalas last blog post..Does Anyone Know What This Is?
May 7th, 2008 @ 8:07 pm
Badass! I feel like your husband and I would get along - yelling something really inappropriate like that in a crowded place full of old people and small children? Totally right up my alley.
Law Student Hot Mamas last blog post..The Most Kickass Shirt Ever! (and other news)
May 7th, 2008 @ 8:09 pm
I would have ignored him and kept on smelling the candles or at the very least thrown the keys at him and kept on, keeping on.
gorillabunss last blog post..I miss my nightly cocktails
May 7th, 2008 @ 8:31 pm
Wow, that’s truly an act of desperation on his part…I’m in awe.
Rheas last blog post..Scientific Excursion of the Little People.
May 7th, 2008 @ 9:00 pm
A similar effect (with different intentions / cause, though) was a story I heard from my brother. We are ethnic Chinese, attended university in Australia:
A mother and her toddler were in (shop, bank, etc). Toddler points to my brother and says to mummy: Hey Mum look, a chink!
They certainly also left quickly!
Thanks for dropping by my blog too
JLows last blog post..Sleepless and speechless….
May 7th, 2008 @ 11:45 pm
Oh my gosh you guys need your own reality TV show! LMAO
The Flirty Girls last blog post..Weddings at Thomas Fogarty Winery
May 7th, 2008 @ 11:59 pm
LOLOLOL oh my goodness.
Meagans last blog post..Okay, now is when I panic!
May 8th, 2008 @ 2:06 am
How did you not club him over the head with a candle?
You are a saint for letting him ride home with you!
cyndys last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: These Are My Confessions
May 8th, 2008 @ 11:35 am
Am laughing so hard. My husband would totally want to marry your husband. He pulls this sh-crap all the time. And yes, we spend waaaay too long in Cracker Barrel’s when we go.
FabGirls last blog post..I CAN HAS THE INTERNETS!
May 8th, 2008 @ 1:12 pm
OMG… LOVE it. That is SOOOOO something my hubby would do!!! LMAO
Kalyns last blog post..Cruisin’
May 8th, 2008 @ 1:29 pm
Thank you for the laugh - that was hilarious.
btw - I am delurking. Love your site!
May 8th, 2008 @ 2:13 pm
OMG! I think I just peed my pants a little. That is freaking hilarious.
The only time I get concerned about a wife “making fun” of her hubby is when it becomes cruel and “male bashing.” But when a couple jokes together it’s healthy. =)
Although…his joking to get out of Cracker Barrel … Um … Wow. Too freaking funny.
castocreationss last blog post..I’m a Television Junkie - So What?
May 8th, 2008 @ 2:28 pm
I would have said, equally as loud, “You should have thought about the consequences before you went to an all male bath house, honey.”
Seriously, if he’s going to fake an STD, you should have faked where he got it from. LOL
heather*s last blog post..Making My Way Back From the Dead
May 8th, 2008 @ 3:43 pm
Hi there- how have I not been to your site before? Boy, do I feel like an idiot.
You are a funny gal and I love funny gals– especially those who sniff candles shamelessly. Hurts the nose hairs after a while, no?
Kisses
IR
Izzy Roses last blog post..High School Reunion
May 8th, 2008 @ 5:00 pm
ROTFLMAO!!!
Tammys last blog post..Look out…..She’s Gonna Blow….
May 9th, 2008 @ 8:32 pm
OMG, your entries make me laugh so hard. Sometimes I bookmark them and read them to James just because they’re so funny. James now knows how to get me to leave some place quick
Jennys last blog post..Computers ate my brain
May 10th, 2008 @ 10:33 pm
OMG…I just spit my coffee ice cream all over my keyboard. That is so. effing. funny. You two must be a BLAST to get drunk with!!!
Lunaniks last blog post..Sorry for the Reader Overload
May 14th, 2008 @ 1:57 am
Sounds like something my hubby would do, but only if I thought people were listening and they really weren’t. Sounds like it did the trick though. Thanks for visiting my blog. Yours is great.
Sheyennes last blog post..Worse than water
May 19th, 2008 @ 12:25 pm
Candle sniffing is a beautiful thing, even when you make your own candles. It gives you ideas, you see, for new kinds of candles to make.
And your post reminds me I have some Clean Cotton fragrance–so I need to see if it’ll make sniffable candles
May 20th, 2008 @ 7:04 am
Oh my…that is very very funny, but I must say I would run out and all the way home - screw the candles! I think I care way too much what people think haha!
Very very funny story though! haha