So 80’s Lady called me a few days ago. I didn’t answer, because that’s just my nature sometimes. And because it was 80’s Lady. I assumed it was either a weather update or home dye job gone wrong that she wanted to tell me about. Or a faked illness. The possibilities were truly endless.
(In case you are late on the 80’s Lady saga and do not feel like reading this entry about her , 80’s Lady is a crazy in-law of mine. She basically serves as the thorn in my backside with her crazy antics, and it seems as if the end is not in sight.)
Eventually, after hours of the sound of my phone ringing continuously drowns out any thought I even consider having, I answer it.
‘AMANDA’ she yells, because she always yells. Speaking at a normal volume would probably put the person on the other side of her conversation at ease, thus halting the manipulative techniques, because they would not be on edge.
‘Yes, 80’s Lady.’
‘I’ve been calling you for hours now.’
‘I know. I’ve been busy for hours now. What do you need?’
‘Well, we’re having this bridal shower at my house for my cousin Patty-Duke*. She’s getting married in Ohigh. And we’re having her a shower why she’s down here. Can you come? She doesn’t really know anyone down here.’
‘Ohigh? Where the hell is Ohigh, 80’s Lady?’
‘Ohigh…it’s north of Kentucky? Haven’t you ever seen a map, Amanda?’
‘Yes, I’ve seen a damn map, but I’ve never seen Ohigh. OH!’ A light bulb dinged. She meant Ohio. ‘You mean O-HI-O, 80’s Lady?’
‘Sure, that’s what I said, Ohigh.’
‘O-HI-O!’
‘That’s what I said, Ohigh.’
‘No, it’s O-HI-O.’
‘Well, whatever it is, are you coming?’
‘I suppose.’
And I did. Because generally when given a minor sob story, I will inevitably do whatever it is that needs to be done. Even if I have no desire. Also, because I had never been to 80’s Lady’s home. While she had barged into mine on several occasions, I had never had the pleasure or urge to barge into hers. I was sort of interested to see her habitat.
It’s like when you learn about a new breed of animal with strang,e unfamiliar characteristics and you are ever so curious about where they live, what it is like, and what they surround themselves with. And that was my curiosity with the abode of 80’s Lady.
Then yesterday rolled up, and I finally remembered that I needed to purchase a shower gift. So I picked up a microwave, and gleefully headed out to the Casa of 80’s Lady. Normally, I would have been dreading the situation. But as I mentioned in a bajillion words earlier, curiosity had gotten the best of me.
The exterior was rather normal. There wasn’t anything to get excited about except for plastic pink flamingos lining the driveway, and one of those fake wells in the front yard, that isn’t actually a well, but just the housing for one. I was really hoping it got better than that. After all, I had driven out into the boonies in order to see the villain in her own lair. I was hoping to see skulls or something creepy like that.
When I opened the door, I set my gift on the table. As I was turning around, I noticed a Christmas tree.
In. May.
Not a discreet little tree either, a giant tree covered with orange tinsel and multi-colored lights flashing in seizure inducing patterns. Okay, I thought to myself, some people like Christmas a little more than others. And if anything, 80’s lady is enthusiastic.
But then I noticed it was also covered with the white wedding bells you normally see at bridal showers. I guess she noticed me admiring them, because she piped up with, ‘You like those? I decorate my tree for every holiday."
At that moment, I wished my mother was there with me. Because my mother would’ve have known what to say, and she would have said it tactfully. She would’ve found a way to compliment the year round Christmas tree and driveway lined with pink flamingos. But the thing is, I’m not my mother. At most, I’m only tactful enough to not mention such things. Because if I did, I would snort with laughter. And word out on the street is that it’s not appropriate.
So in an effort to get out of there as soon as possible, I asked her which person was Patty-Duke. I had plans to make small talk and get the hell out of dodge. But on the way to make small talk, I noticed walls lined with 8×10 photos. I don’t mean that there were 5 or 6 hanging up, either. I mean lined with in rows. It was as if she was using 8×10’s as wallpaper. So what, you might say? Maybe she likes pictures.
But what I know about her, that you don’t, is that 80’s Lady loves to steal pictures. She will five finger discount a picture of someone she doesn’t even know. She just loves pictures. It is one of the strangest, yet intriguing, thieving fetishes I’ve ever seen. I always wondered what she did with them. And well, apparently she lines her walls with them all serial killer like. Question answered.
So after nearly having a mild cardiac event from the shock of at least 100 (likely stolen) photos staring right at me, I made my way to Patty-duke that hails from ‘Ohigh’. After small talk, I discovered the following facts:
1.) Patty-Duke has no idea when or if she is actually getting married.
2.) She is not even engaged.
3.) 80’s Lady apparently heard her speaking of the fact that she might marry this guy she is dating and offered to throw a Bridal Shower for her a week later.
4.) She has only been dating this boy for 3 weeks.
5.) She is still in high school.
6.) She is upset with her mother and several others because they called her a hoochie.
Yes, this is my life. That betch 80’s lady harrasses me to come to the Bridal Shower of some high school girl from ‘Ohigh’ that is romancing the idea of marrying a boy from her math class that she met three weeks ago probably after borrowing his protractor. As a result of 80’s Lady acting like this was a normal Bridal shower, I go out and get her a microwave all because curiosity got the best of me, and I wanted to see the lair of 80’s Lady.
Once again, I have been tricked.
*Patty-Duke is not her real name.
PS. Below this entry is an entry I wrote last night about my daughter’s attitude. If you made it this far, you should read this one also.









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