My husband’s parents have been married for 33 years now. Meanwhile, my parents have both been through what seems like a plethora of relationships. While Adam was raised learning what you do in a relationship, I was raised learning what you do not do (by example). And somehow, this combination works for us.
My parents divorced when I was a very little girl. I believe I was at the tail end of 3, nearing 4. Even at that age, it was so difficult.
At some point during the split, my father accepted a job some distance away. Prior to the divorce, I remember my father being my main caretaker. My mother worked full time and was a full times student with classes at night. So my father took care of me at night while my mother was in class.
So the new arrangements which involved my father living separately from us were very difficult for me.
Within a short amount of time, my father was offered a very important promotion an hour and half away from where we lived. He took the promotion and made the move. The move began the first of many shuffled road trips.
Since I am, and was, very prone to car sickness the rides were increasingly difficult to me. The ride there was always exciting because it had usually been about two weeks since I had last seen my father. However, the rides back were quite arduous.
When they would meet, my parents always exchanged me in the parking lot of a local Shoney’s. While they generally got along, they needed neutral ground for them and the parking lot there seemed to work. So after a long weekend with my father, usually filled with dinner at Showbiz Pizza and other fun activities, I was ushered back to the parking lot and exchanged from car to car again outside of what is possibly the shittiest buffet restaurant in the world.
For years my mother drove an older Oldsmobile with velor upholstery on the seats, said upholstery held heat like a kitchen in July. I always felt it cooking my legs.My mother knew that the ride was difficult for my brother and I. After all, it was difficult for her too. So she tried her best to cheer us up with enthusiastic cassette tapes that played children’s songs and stories.
The songs were sang by chipper children with voices so high pitched dogs would howl from miles away. I usually ended up crying long, lonely tears. Because there I was, stuck in the back seat of a two-door car, roasting on the velor seats, body aching from nausea induced from a combination of car sickness and broken-family syndrome, and forced to listen to ‘The Little Engine That Could’.
Can I please tell you how much I hate that story? How much I hate the moral of the story? And not because it lacks meaning. More so, because to me, it represents that trip back home as child, after being exchanged from parent to parent like a shared commodity.
I had to listen to that damn cassette tape for years. Mostly because my younger brother loved it. The narrator was a lady with a voice that could have cut through the strongest of titanium. It was raspy and sharp. And I swear, she would draw the story out for what seemed like hours. And the whole time, I would attempt to hold back tears and vomit, hoping the damn cassette tape would spontaneously combust or be eaten by the tape deck. All I knew was that if I had to hear that damn engine complain ONE more time, I was done.
Why is this significant? I’m not entirely sure that it is. To you, anyway. But I had sort of blocked these trips out of my head. A few days ago, Allie brought me a book from her many piles and asked me to read it to her.
Of course, it was The Little Engine That Could. And I couldn’t read it.
I just threw the damn thing away (when she wasn’t watching), and asked her to pick out a new book.
It’s so stupid. But it’s almost as if the story represents that period in my childhood for me. And I can’t hear about it or read it without feeling like my legs are on velor seats and my body is wrecked with nausea. And how did I ever forget memories so vivid? And why does that stupid book trigger it for me?
To top this off, I can’t eat at Shoney’s restaurant. Aside from being scared that I’ll come down with food poisoning, it just represents something else for me. I feel like if I go to Shoney’s I’m going to be exited out of my car and put into another for my visit. No Shoney’s for me.
Tonight my husband wanted to eat at Shoney’s, and it was total no-go for me. (And seriously, Shoney’s? how nasty.)
Things like this are sometimes hard to explain to him. Not because he doesn’t listen, but because he doesn’t understand what it was like.
Luckily, I tell very humorous recounts of random encounters with the counterparts of my parents and their families. I have thousands of funny stories about meeting a new person one of my parents was dating and how strange they were or what they were wearing. Or I have a funny outlook on most things of that nature. For him, it’s like a set of stories to hear about. But for me, it was reality.
I suppose it’s just funny when you think about it. How two people from completely different background and families can fall in love and it just works.
I’m so grateful for that.
(also, I tried to fix the spacing on this entry like 8 times. But Wordpress would not allow it. Sorry it runs together.)
It is very encouraging to read honest posts. Thank you for sharing this part of you. It’s amazing how lives can influence each other. For good or bad, it’s all part of the story. Thank God for the people around us who “just fit” and help us through it all.
Adam
http://adam-finch.eachday.com
April 28th, 2008 at 12:58 am
I’m lucky enough to be married to someone who couldn’t be more opposite than me. It works great for us!
Inspiring post. Thanks!
kspins last blog post..Monday Or Someday…
April 28th, 2008 at 1:07 am
(I think it ate my comment the first time…)
Great post. This should be required reading for people thinking that kids are always automatically so damn “resilient,” when instead some things really do stick years later.
My sweetie and I are pretty different, in some of the same kinds of ways, actually, and it works anyway. I’m grateful, too.
Maggie’s Minds last blog post..Weekly Winners Sunday 4/27/08
April 28th, 2008 at 3:20 am
Oh, the mother in me wants to scoop up you from your childhood and give you a big hug. I was hurtin’ along with you. The combination of high pitched kids’ music, car sickness and a hot car had be feeling sick as well.
What doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger, right? I’m glad you and your hubby have learned what to do/what not to do. :o)
Rheas last blog post..The Bug & I at Camp Mystic
April 28th, 2008 at 6:52 am
My parents hung together for 50 years now.. but there have been times in the past where I just thought they should of “hung it all up.”
Hang tight with your hubby. **hugs!** My feeling on relationship is we all have problems… I am just able to deal and live with ours. Hehe!
Oh, and sometimes wordpress does that spacing crap to me too.
Have a wonderful day! xoxox
Beth from The Funny Farms last blog post..How I Love To Spend My Saturdays!
April 28th, 2008 at 7:26 am
Amanda, I just want to give you a huge hug.
By the time my parents split, I was 17, and it was just a relief to have it be over, but I know that my sister (7 at the time) still feels the abandonment. My insecurities from my parents fighting over who wouldn’t have to take the kids pop up at the oddest times, though. It’s a good thing my husband’s so patient, and that my in-laws like being my parents.
Sadias last blog post..Really good friends
April 28th, 2008 at 8:04 am
I think you should turn this into a paper and present it.
My parents are still together, but how I used to wish they would divorce already. Then I married a guy whose parents did divorce. Neither solution was good.
Our parents’ marriages have made us much more able to say, “We’re NOT going there with our marriage.” It helps to remember that on the days I think I need to kill him.
April 28th, 2008 at 8:10 am
I think we all have associations like that, both positive and negative. And usually hard to explain to others. Thanks for sharing your story. It’s both sobering and encouraging to me. Sobering that I have the ability to wreak such havoc on my kids lives and yet, it encourages me to really do whatever it takes to make my marriage really great. However, I don’t think there’s much one can do to take away the memories of car-sickness combined with a car with no AC!
Shannons last blog post..all you need is to watch this movie
April 28th, 2008 at 9:13 am
((HUG))
April 28th, 2008 at 9:29 am
Oh, how I feel for you… for I too, had horrible car sickness. People who don’t, don’t know how lucky they are.
I can’t imagine it coupled with your situation.
And I can sympathize with your association to that book.. there is a song out there that makes me physically sick too, because of its playing at a time I was deathly ill.
Great post.
April 28th, 2008 at 10:18 am
It’s funny how places or songs can trigger such vivid memories.
And upbringing can cause either the repetition or the rebellion. Some people from broken homes don’t take marriage seriously, because that is what they know. While others (like you) do the opposite and vow never to make the same mistakes.
Same goes for kids of happy marriages.
Or smoking/non smoking.. so many things. It’s what you make of it.
Hugs!
Nissas last blog post..We have a winner!
April 28th, 2008 at 10:18 am
Interesting. I feel that way about peach cobbler. I used to love it when I was little, but my mom only made it when she was mad at my dad (he hated the smell of it). Now I can’t stand peach cobbler or anything with a peach scent. I can’t even go near Bath and Body Works without feeling nauseated. Funny how memories work…
Jens last blog post..Self Esteem Week
April 28th, 2008 at 11:12 am
I am from a divorced family too…but thank goodness (or maybe not) I was a little older (14) and couldn’t wait for my parents to divorce. I was also a Daddy’s girl and stayed with him (poor dad).
As far as the spacing thing goes did you try to hold down “shift” and hit enter…I had that problem with my blog and my super genius boyfriend explain the shift enter to me. Fixed it in no time.
Heathers last blog post..Nothing New
April 28th, 2008 at 11:28 am
My parents have been married for 25 years and Mr. C’s parents divorced right after he was born. (And both remarried a couple of times)
Did you have any issues with getting married after going through a divorce?
Jennifer @ The Cubicle’s Backporchs last blog post..A message from my sister (cuss-words included)
April 28th, 2008 at 11:46 am
I guess in a way I was lucky….when my parents seperated (I was 3), my dad took off so there was no exchanging. By the time they finally divorced I didn’t have any memory of him as my dad when I was young at all…..
When I was 6 though we did a road trip just he and I, from Southern Cal to Minnesota. I remember he listened to SuperTramp’s ‘Breakfast in America’….. to this day I think of my dad everytime I hear SuperTramp.
~Q
Qweenies last blog post..I’ve been a bad bad girl…..
April 28th, 2008 at 11:48 am
When my father left I remember hearing in the airport Mandy by Barry Manilow… I can’t stand to hear it now.. I get to the point of throwing up.. crazy how memories can do that..
Kims last blog post..What Moms Really Think Series on DiscoveringDad
April 28th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Just thinking about Shoney’s makes me feel like barfing.
Also, my grandmother had a similar Olds . . . with the velour. It was kind of a purple/grey color inside and for some reason seemed hearse-like. Not like I’ve ever ridden in a hearse, but if I were to, that’s what I would picture.
Good for you for writing an honest post! My husband and I are like that, too . . . except I’m the one with the parents who have been married forever and he’s the one with divorced parents. It works for us!
Law Student Hot Mamas last blog post..That Time of the Semester - and DAMN YOU, YOGA MOM!
April 28th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Thanks for sharing this. I was five when my parents split, and for me it was a relief. But my father and I always had and still do have a strained relationship. Plus, my parents fought constantly. I see my little boy having more of a reaction like you did, and I will keep this in mind when the tears stream down his face when his daddy tries to leave after he’s brought him home.
April 28th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
P.S. When wordpress does that to me, it’s usually because something has made it into the code (often when I’ve copied and pasted from my email because I totally write drafts from work), and even if you try to take it out it just comes right back up if you save instead of publish. DRIVES ME BONKERS when it happens, but I’ve found pasting it into notepad and repasting it into wordpress for formatting fixes the problem. Just an FYI for future reference.
April 28th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
at a risk of sounding very sappy, the phrase ‘you complete me’ does actually have some foundation.
very often we find in others, what we lack in our own lives. and vice versa.
not sappy, just logical.
Xbox4NappyRashs last blog post..An immaculate conception?
April 28th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
*sigh* divorced parents… broken families… they make for some humorous stories but also it really is (and i don’t think ppl realize this) exceptionally hard to come from a broken family.
billy’s parents are the same way, btw, and he doesn’t understand a lot of what i tell him either.
kalens last blog post..new site under way
April 28th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
shit i signed with the wrong website.
kalens last blog post..Happy little images
April 28th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
I really want to reach back in time and give that little girl that you were a great big hug! My parents divorced when I was 7. It was tough, but I didn’t have to endure any hellish car rides or Shoney’s meet ups. (And I’m with you…every Shoney’s here is disgusting.)
My husband and I also come from very different family backgrounds. His parents are still together after all these years, but might as well be divorced.
Great post. Thanks for sharing this little glimpse into your childhood.
Jamies last blog post..Up With Shnozes
April 28th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
What a fantastic post. It really is amazing what the mind forgets and the silly little things that can trigger a memory.
Tammys last blog post..Moments For Me Monday Week 2
April 28th, 2008 at 8:50 pm
oh sweetie, I hear ya! Some people don’t have strong feelings about songs and places and the like, but I am like you. I went through an extremely traumatic experience and Dire Straits was on in the background. I hear Dire Straits music and I have a panic attack. I am feeling a bit nauseous just typing that!
Lets make a pact to destroy The little engine that could and Dire Straits hey?
Kelleys last blog post..…and then my brain imploded.
April 29th, 2008 at 4:58 am
It’s weird. When I see pictures of flowers, I smell them. When I read your story, I felt nauseated. No reflection on your writing.
witchypoos last blog post..This Week in Comments
April 29th, 2008 at 10:05 am
Why did I have a dream last night about your blog? In it you changed your header and the colors and it wasn’t very cute..but THEN after a week of people telling you that the change sucked..you brought this back… Do you think I may be spending too much time on the internet?
mps last blog post..Rock the Vote
April 29th, 2008 at 10:28 am
My daughter is exchanged in the parking lot of a Chevron/McDonalds. I am always wondering how she will see this piece of her life one day.
p.s. We both hate McDonalds and can no longer eat there.
Lisas last blog post..I’m not getting anything for Mother’s Day
April 29th, 2008 at 11:14 am
i have the same reaction to all star wars movies, my dad watched the constantly. And my rocky relationship has made me hate all things star wars related.
britts last blog post..Wordless Wednesday-Hello Maloo!
April 30th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Ugh. I can relate to this post all to well. It brings back a lot of bad memories. Mine were of plane rides instead of car rides, all alone starting at the age of 5.
I can’t imagine putting my 5 year old on a plane and sending them across the country alone.
Friglets last blog post..What is wrong with us?
May 4th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
I too have divorced parents, and my husband’s parents are still together. It is so hard to explain things to him….how I try soooo hard not to act in my marriage like either of my parents did in theirs…
I can totally relate to this story. I’m sorry for you.
Danielle-lees last blog post..Protect your Nuts!….Er, your M&M’s.
May 6th, 2008 at 3:30 pm