When I was lying in the middle of my kitchen floor last night (because that’s where I have my nervous breakdowns),I started thinking about how funny it is to explain some of the aspects of growing up in a small town to someone.
For example, I have many funny teenage adventures to explain that all involve going to the bootlegger . The Bootlegger, you say? You’re now probably wondering if I am actually channeling you from the era of prohibition. Perhaps I somehow traveled through time. The answer is no.
You see, since I grew up in a small town where our county was "dry" there was no such thing as a liquor store. A "dry" county is one that does not permit the sell of alcohol within its borders.
Now, wily people of this town will not go without alcohol within a close proximity. So some choose to set up shop and illegally sell it out of their homes for outrageous prices that people will usually pay, because it was generally cheaper than driving an hour to the closest beer/liquor store.
Back to business:
When I was a teenager, it was way easier for us to get alcohol from the bootlegger than it would have ever been at a liquor store. At the bootlegger, you just drove up and they came out to your car and asked what you wanted. Then, they brought it out.
Curbside Service, folks. That’s one thing the bootlegger always had going for them.
"How might one locate a bootlegger in small town"you asked. And I’m glad you did.
You see, in a one horse town within the bible belt it is quite easy. They were generally located in the super redneck portion of town. To find one, all you do is follow the ‘Jesus Saves’ signs that the nice ladies at one of the churches took the time trespass to nail on a tree they didn’t own. Now, I’m not mocking the Jesus signs. But the fact they excited and could serve as navigation is just a cold hard fact. They were there, and you could find your way to the bootlegger by following them.
In fact, you could find your way any place that was viewed as ‘unholy’ by following the Jesus signs. They were sort of like discreet street signs leading you down paths that someone regular Joe had deemed as the road to hell.
Since I usually took them, I’ll give you an example:
If lost on the way to the bootlegger, you might reach a fork on a road laden with rusted single-wide trailers. Which way do I turn, you ask? Right or left?
That’s easy. Does the right side of the road have the ‘HE IS COMING’ sign or does the left side have one? The left, you say? Then, turn in that direction. As the signs start growing more frequent, like every other tree. That means you are getting really close. Then, when you notice the signs are anchored to every possible surface. BAM! You are within what has to be a 50 ft. radius of the bootlegger.
Now, you have to look for a giant garage like structure, or perhaps an abandoned barn. Both in one area is a true indicator and generally a bonus. That means the bootlegger truly means business. You see, small town bootleggers frequently get busted and have all of their products raided. This means they have to move around some and switch up their locations. One month you just pull up to the giant garage door and they come out. The next they might direct you to barn where some random person holding beer rode up on a 4-wheeler to bring the beer out to you. (which was sort of scary, particularly if you are a car full of girls unsure of how to deal with cornfed ogres that have jimmy-knotted a case of beer to the side of a 4-wheeler, but hey, you have to analyze your priorities.)
The funniest aspect of the bootleggers was the fact that while they were illegally running a business, they had hours. Yes, the bootlegger quit selling alcohol at midnight. I always found it mildly amusing they if you pulled up at 12:01 (not that I ever did, heh) you were not getting any alcohol. Because hey, bootlegging is apparently a serious business.
You could NOT show up late to the bootlegger. No alcohol meant you might not have any alcohol for the big field party. But field partys are a whole other post too, I’ll save that one for next week.
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