When my husband and I were childless and lived in one of our old houses (the one next to Martin), located on the other side of our home was the house of a locally begrudged school teacher. She was really,really rude. We had several unfriendly run-ins with her. Everyone in the town knew how outrageously bitched up she was, and it was not unusual for her to tell you herself.
You can only imagine what it is like to live next to such a lady in a small town. Because here, all of the kids that dislike a person for whatever teen-angst driven reason, know where you live. And at that time, she lived next to me.
Unfortunately, we caught the tail end of all pranks pulled on her. Because if someone egged her house, at least one stray egg would accidentally hit our home.While it sucked to be punished for her lack of personality, I will admit that the king of all inherited pranks was well worth catching–for me anyway.
You see, one night somewhere around two a.m we heard very loud popping sounds outside of the house.
My sleeping husband hops out of bed and decides that this sound must be someone shooting at our house. (I KNOW!)
So his first instinct was to roll my sleeping body off of the bed and into the floor in case the alleged sharpshooters decided to shoot into the window.
Of course, he didn’t wake me up first, and the three foot fall to the floor served as quite the wake-up call.
I hit the floor with a bump. And believe me, being thrown off your bed at 2 a.m. is not pleasant. I believe I yelled something along the lines of , “what the hell are you doing?”
(Because I am hostile after being tossed off my tall bed in the wee hours of the morning.)
“SOMEONE IS SHOOTING AT OUR HOUSE,” he screamed.
While I might’ve abruptly been woken up by the toss into the floor, I knew better than to think that some random fool was shooting at our house. We didn’t live in the ghetto, and aside from that, it just didn’t make sense. Not that those sort of things always do, but still. I knew that no one was shooting into our house.
” No, Adam. No one is shooting at our house. Go back to sleep.” I said as I crawled back in bed.
He grumbled at me and joined.
Just as we got comfortable, we heard the popping sound again.
“I’m going to go look,” he said as he jumped out of bed.
So Adam waltzed out of the house suited in only his underwear, a black dress coat, and a gun. Take a moment to the let that register. Since I don’t have a picture of that, and I will provide a visual aid:
Now, you have some idea of how ridiculous this situation was.
After popping on the man-coat and man-shoes, he peered out the door and crept around the house all discrete and Barny Fife like (haha). He was determined to find the gunman.
Pants or no pants.
He circled the house in its entirety. Then suddenly, as he popped his head around the front corner, more popping occurred. And he looked around to see…
firecrackers lighting up in the road.
the whole time, it had just been firecrackers.
It turns out that a few kids decided to throw firecrackers into the street in front of the ladies home.
The firecrackers had went off, popping and lighting up. And my husband woke up thinking that someone was shooting at us, and ran out into the street with his underwear and a gun.
It’s pretty classic since being a complete idiot isn’t normally something he does. I only make fun of him for it once a day. Just once a day.
That is the best visual aid I’ve ever seen in my life.
Firecrackers do sound like guns!!
Maria’s last blog post..Untitled? Again?
April 11th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
That picture you drew is hilarious! Thanks for the visual aid - made the story even funnier!
SherE1’s last blog post..MONday, TUESday, WEDNESday, THURSday…
April 11th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
You never, ever, disappoint. I don’t recommend reading while trying to be quiet and pretending to work because I kind of let out a snort right about the time your ass hit the floor out of the bed. I had to cover my mouth while studying the visual aid, too. I’m not so stealth like that because your stories are too hilarious.
Maggie’s last blog post..Haiku (HaiPew) Friday 4/11/08
April 11th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Hilarious! My dad once pulled a shotgun on a cow that wandered onto the front porch and knocked over our birdfeeder. (Yes, I grew up in the country.) He didn’t shoot, though, so the heifer lived to see another day…
Jen’s last blog post..Clichés for Living
April 11th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
All Hail to the protector of firecrackers!
witchypoo’s last blog post..Old Friends
April 11th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
Hehehehe. Watch out! Those firecrackers are loaded! hehehe.
Sue’s last blog post..Even Gay Men Love My Boobs
April 11th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
The visual aid is the best! I think all you had to do was post that and I would’ve been rolling on the floor. Thanks for pointing out the bed head.
Dingo’s last blog post..Quittin’ Time!
April 11th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
LMAO…very funny. and your artistic talent…classic. love. love. love the drawing! your hubby must love you for that…hehe
April 11th, 2008 at 8:12 pm
I have never snorted hot chocolate before, but I got very close when I scrolled to your illustration.
Stupid firecrackers. I’m already trying to figure out what I’m going to do on the Fourth of July to drown out the sound, since my hubby’s recently returned from Baghdad.
Sadia’s last blog post..Individuation
April 11th, 2008 at 9:27 pm
I LOVE the visual. It reminds me of my father getting up to check for intruders on the farm in the middle of the night. Alas he wore only his boots and carried a shotgun.
janethesane’s last blog post..Embarassing Moment - For Amanda
April 11th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
ROTFL! Where’s the “real” picture of that one?
Anglophile Football Fanatic’s last blog post..HF: Housework Sucks
April 11th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
Wow! Love, love, love the visual!
Beth from The Funny Farm’s last blog post..How Not To Give A Speech
April 12th, 2008 at 12:29 am
you are SO the best wife.
Id be in for at least a time and a half o’mockage a day.
USING aforementioned FABULOUS visual aid.
MizFit’s last blog post..The YouBar peeps respond:
April 12th, 2008 at 4:48 am
and now we get to humiliate him too! Sweet! My husband went out to tell some rowdy neighbours to shut the hell up in my pink fluffy bathrobe.
He ended up staying for a beer…
Kelley’s last blog post..Pull my finger.
April 12th, 2008 at 7:10 am
I love your husband SO FUCKING MUCH!
But, you know, maybe it’s good mine sleeps in shorts & a t-shirt. In case shit HAPPENS, around here.
christine’s last blog post..I had to cackle
April 12th, 2008 at 8:34 am
Your husband is nice! (looks a little anorexic, though) My hubby would use me as a shield.
christy’s last blog post..Discount on flagellation devices, too
April 12th, 2008 at 9:48 am
LMAO at the visual aid!! I love that his tighty whiteys have a striking resemblance to cloth diapers
I must say, the firecrackers is a pretty good pranks. That is so endearing he rolled you out of bed
My hubby would sleep right through it. He slept through our apartment building fire alarm. 
Sandy (Momisodes)’s last blog post..Twisted Luck
April 12th, 2008 at 10:00 am
This is insanely funny. Have you ever thought of compiling all of these stories into a book? Even if you wanted to publish yourself, you could get them together and publish at a place like lulu.com. Your friends and family would love it…and it could be passed down for generations all the way through 2098!! Or longer… But it would be cool. I think the man coat is the funniest part. LOL!
Rene’s last blog post..Baby Girl Found and Our Own Scare!
April 12th, 2008 at 10:19 am
Lol!! How funny.
My hubby does that sometimes! I will hear something, so him being manly will automatically insist he grab the gun and the clear the house.
Meagan’s last blog post..Girls night.
April 12th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
Ok, first off, thanks for coming to visit my blog! I hope you’ll eb back . . . I’ll check yours out again, too.
And now on to my “real” comment. I loved the visual aid.
Also, my husband once thought our place was being broken into so he paraded around the house totally ass nekked in the middle of the night. I don’t know what he was going to do to anybody ass nekked, but hell, maybe he scared the person off because he never found anybody.
Law Student Hot Mama’s last blog post..The Marauding Huns: Aftermath
April 12th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
that is hysterical…reminds me of the time we were burgled and my husband thought he trapped the intruder in the hall closet, he was wearing tightie wighties and nothing else…he proudly opened the closet door for the police to show them the captured intruder…but it was just the vacuum.
Alison’s last blog post..Award and Meme
April 12th, 2008 at 11:34 pm
Oh my GOSH. Well, at least he didn’t instinctively use your body as a shield. I imagine he has thought to remind you of that a time or two.
dianeinjapan’s last blog post..Spring is Most Definitely in the Air
April 13th, 2008 at 12:03 am
Barney Fife!!! ROFL!
cyndy’s last blog post..From the Mind of Spiderman
April 13th, 2008 at 12:43 am
Adorable!
Thanks for your comment on Jodifur!
jodifur’s last blog post..Michael Has Conformed
April 13th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Hootie Hoo, Hootie Hoo! That mental image will stay with me for a long time. Loved the visual… you have a promising career as a web graphic designer.
Tara R.’s last blog post..They really say that?
April 13th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
I like the Barney Fife comparison. Hopefully, you only let him have one bullet and he has to keep it in his pocket.
lceel’s last blog post..St. Paul’s in London
April 13th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
That hilarious.
Noble Pig’s last blog post..The Noble Pig Mystery
April 13th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
thanks for the visual aid…it might be the funniest thing i have ever seen. =)
LizzieFish’s last blog post..Note To Self:
April 14th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Snarf! “I only make fun of him once a day.” Love it!
April 14th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
This made me laugh. Love, love the graphic. True art.
HRH’s last blog post..Potluck, plain and simple with accessories…
April 14th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
He actually rolled you off the bed??
Bahahaha!! Oh man, that’s classic!
LunaNik’s last blog post..In defense of my CVS addiction
April 18th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
shamelesslysassy.com » Feigning An Itch says:
[...] many of my posts have contained stories or jokes which my husband was the butt of. (Like this one ,this one , this one , and this one ) Some of you have jokingly expressed concern for him. And let [...]
May 7th, 2008 at 2:41 pm