After getting off of the phone that morning with 80’s Lady, I was both mortified and naive. While 80’s Lady had dropped a watermelon sized bomb on me, I basically thought she was lying.I mean, it’s what she does.
She is a professional liar.
Wait–do not be mistaken;
By professional, I mean she lies regularly, likely profiting from it, and not the other professional, like that if there was a sports ranking for liars she would be batting in the World Series.
She is at the t-ball level as far as that goes– except she isn’t 3 feet tall and doesn’t have a miniature glove.
Anyway, after the phone call, I had sort of forgotten the fact that 80’s Lady ensured me I would be stalked that day. Retaining any information that early in the a.m. is a miracle, let alone remembering that she had donated me as a friend to her allegedly long,lost daughter.
So I went about my morning normally forgetting the intricate lacings of insanity in my life.
Well, I forgot until I was walking to one of my classes, and I felt like someone was following me. Once again, my brain had blocked out all of the looney. So I just assumed it was someone else walking too closely behind.
After a while, I noticed that the person hadn’t turned off or went a different direction.
Then, it dawned on me.
80’s Lady Jr. was following me around in the most conspicuous of ways. She was doing the walking equivalent of riding someone’s ass on the interstate– at full speed.
Honestly, nice girl or not, I was not enjoying the fact that I had somehow ended up a pawn in one of 80’s Lady’s games. (I guess it would be difficult to be the pawn of someone who at their best could only master Connect 4. But you know what I mean.)
Being the semi-asshole that I am, I walked around way longer than necessary leading this poor girl in circles. But I couldn’t help it? Who just aimlessly follows someone around with a mere 12 inches of space between them?
I was curious about how long this girl would trail me. After ten minutes, (Yes, TEN MINUTES) I abruptly turned around.
Facing her, I said, “Hi. I’m Amanda. Do you need something? Because not to be rude or anything, but I can feel you breathing on my neck. That would not be a bad thing if you were Scott Patterson, but you aren’t. ”
She looked rather startled. It was not my intention to be rude to her. I’m not a rude gal. In fact, I have an uncanny ability to tolerate the odd. However, a girl can only pursued by a human shadow for so long.
“Oh, sorry. I just wasn’t sure what to say. 80’s Lady said you wanted to meet me,”80’s Lady Jr. sputtered out.
And that’s where it began. The whole reason I really wanted to avoid this poor girl. I knew I would have a difficult time deciding what I should and shouldn’t say regarding the woman who had carted her around for nine months.
Since I was schooled on a scholarly level concerning the ‘if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all’ rule by both my mother and Thumper, I followed it. While I might not be the best at being a proxy for two people reuniting, I am good at following rules.
“Nice to meet you,” I replied.
We had a short conversation after that about stupid things like the school wasting money on elaborate water fountains but cutting the budget for paper, and other things like that.
I even saw her again the other day, and thankfully, she just waved. I didn’t want to have to break out my pepper spray if she got hot on my trail again.
Really, she seems like a nice young lady. She appeared to be normal, and thankfully, an affinity for acid washed jeans isn’t genetic.
Also, I realize that it isn’t really my job to educate her about what a whack-job 80’s Lady is. Unfortunately, she’ll probably figure it out in a short amount of time anyhow. 80’s Lady does not conceal her crazy. As far as my forced friendship with her goes, I guess we’ll be friends, because it isn’t her fault that at one point 80’s Lady made up a random lie and told the whole family I left a WHOLE Q-TIP lodged in Allie’s ear canal. (They obviously knew it wasn’t true. But still.)
80’s Lady is trouble. Jr can figure that out, and do with it what she wants.
(And don’t worry, that story about the Q-tip is coming eventually too.)
My daughter rode to kindergarten with a sort of 80’s Lady. She wanted to be best friends. I wanted to drill a hole in my skull.
Autumn’s last blog post..Happy Valentines Day!!!!
February 17th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Seems normal, does she? Get her drunk and see what surfaces.
witchypoo’s last blog post..Peep of the Week
February 17th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Oh sheesh, run..run as fast as you can!!
Noble Pig’s last blog post..Get This Wine…before it’s gone!!
February 17th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Wow, poor 80’s ladies kid…how would you like to be related to that?
Melissa’s last blog post..Sunday Bloody Sunday…Last Time
February 17th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
It all sounds a little odd for me!
Veronica’s last blog post..Weekly Winners
February 17th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
I have been waiting for Part II of 80’s lady!
Pretty soon you and JR will be braiding each others hair.
Sister Honey Bunch’s last blog post..Shut-up and Walk. Church Chat with Sister Honey Bunch
February 17th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
Loving the banner!
Well, at least Jr isn’t quite as crazy as Sr. But still, that whole following thing… screams Whackadoodle in training!
rachel’s last blog post..Weekly Winners Feb 10 to Feb 16
February 17th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
i am a mean girl i guess cuz i would be telling her to kick rocks after a few seconds of being followed so closely…
so i guess that pretty much makes you a saint…atleast compaired to me.
HolleeAnn’s last blog post..Perfect Peteluma Picnic
February 17th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Why would she follow you like you were a dog in heat like that? Ca-razy! Couldn’t she just say, “Hey, are you Amanda? I’m 80s Lady’s daughter.” Following you around for ten minutes makes me question if she is not 90s Girl.
Anglophile Football Fanatic’s last blog post..Hai-kachoo! Oh, Paul-en?!
February 17th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
Love the new look!
Aw… poor 80s Lady Jr. What was she thinking following you around? It seems clear to me that at least some of the crazy lives on in a new generation…
Jen’s last blog post..High Highs and Low Lows
February 17th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
Yeah, that’s just weird, her following you around like that. But it will be interesting to see how this relationship unfolds. And I know you’ll keep us posted!
amy’s last blog post..Does this make us groupies?
February 17th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
So glad I stopped in for all the laughter tonight. Your 80s lady story is the funniest shit I ‘ve read in a while! THANK YOU! (Screaming like 80s lady, just to be silly)
Secret Agent Mama’s last blog post..Project 365 (179abc/365)
February 17th, 2008 at 9:11 pm
While I feel bad for 80s lady jr, proceed with caution until you see what variety of crazy, if any, she possesses.
February 17th, 2008 at 11:53 pm
Wow. Just wow.
Maria’s last blog post..Week Ending Poetry.
February 18th, 2008 at 1:48 am
hmn..i think it’s a wee bit creepy the way she just followed you around. would’ve been nicer had she went up to you and said hi instead.
good luck on your new friend hehe!
sushi from manila’s last blog post..soft as a baby’s bottom
February 18th, 2008 at 5:07 am
I have a cousin who attracts weirdos, he himself is quite normal…but he could be working, minding his own business and a stranger will walk up and start a conversation about after-life…..or talking dogs. Or he will be working on a job (he is a concreter) and a lady in a nearby house will take a liking to him and make him cakes and food and ask him to move in with her after meeting him once…..
One of his ex-wives (he has one ex wife and one current wife) through an ax at him through a window…she was crazy…but we were not surprised because he always attracted the weirdos.
I am glad he doesn`t live near 80`s lady…I hope for your safe that 80`s lady is the only weirdo you have attracted recently!
Lulu’s last blog post..C is for Cancer…
February 18th, 2008 at 5:08 am
I am bad about projecting someone’s craziness onto another person, but a couple of times I’ve been accused of being crazy simply because I know a crazy. Hope 80’s lady’s “daughter” turns out okay.
Caution’s last blog post..You Can Never Have Enough School Breaks
February 18th, 2008 at 10:53 am
dear comment section,
quit fucking up and giving people messages and acting like you’re out of service.
February 18th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
I dunno… when I imagine the life ’80s Lady Jr. must lead, I find myself picturing a perfectly normal young lady being embarassed to death and driven nuts. I also picture her picturing the next phone call with her mother.
“Hi Mom… Yes, I met your friend. Yes, I did actually talk to her. She’s nice, just like you said… No I’m not going to ask her to the family reunion, I hardly know her.. NO! Mom, not everyone wants to be included if they’re not IN our family! You’ll have to ask her if you think she’d enjoy it, I’ve only been her friend for a little bit and you know her better…”
PandoraWilde’s last blog post..“Ours is a love that knows no Terms of Service”
February 18th, 2008 at 9:12 pm
Oy Vey!
Nectarfizz’s last blog post..Poetic Music Meme..
February 19th, 2008 at 11:10 am
Seems like you’ve been busy while I was gone. I enjoy hearing about the crazies, I encounter them everyday!
February 19th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
I really want to hear the q-tip story! Sounds like you could start a side blog just about her
February 28th, 2008 at 10:13 pm