When I married Adam, I sort of got tricked. You see, in the years I dated him previous to our marriage, he managed to hide his crazy relatives from me. In fact, I was mesmerized by the sheer sanity of his family.
(This is mostly due to the fact that I have a whole lot of crazy in mine.)
However, not long after we were married this looney-tune cousin of his escapes her straight jacket to begin antagonizing me–daily.
Let’s call her 80’s Lady. (Because she is still sporting those acid washed jeans with stirrups on the bottom that she probably shop-lifted in ‘87 while smoking a Marlboro Red in each side of her magenta-lipsticked mouth. That’s right…two Reds at one time. )
Honestly, I’m not sure that I can paint an unbiased picture of her. I’m not even going to try, because she is a liar, a thief, and a hypochondriac. She randomly claims she’s having heart surgery when she might actually be going to the doctor for an eye exam (TRUE STORY). She takes her children to the ER for scraped knees, and then tells them and everyone else that they have something outrageous along the lines of SARS. She would probably rather drive 300 miles for a pack of free oatmeal than get a job.
To say the least, the very least, 80’s Lady is a thorn in my backside. AND, the wonderful qualities that I mentioned above are not even the reason my skin itches violently in her presence.
It’s the fact that she feels the need to call me every day before 7 a.m….before I even drink my first cup of coffee.
Yes, I am serious.
While I am awake early in the morning, I am not the sort of person who wants to talk on the phone at 6:30. In fact, I am the last person in the world that anyone would want to talk to at that hour.
I practically bark at people, and I am honestly not safe in the vicinity of people as unpleasant as 80’s Lady.
Because I am apparently a glutton for punishment, I’ve been nice to her in the past. It’s hard not to be amicable, because while her character is flawed beyond recognition, most of the time she has good intentions. She’s just never gone about the good intentions in a manner that wasn’t illegal or insane.
Apparently, my nice actions have merited telephone love from her.
This is snipped of what I thought was going to be a typical call from 80’s Lady around 6:10 a.m this morning:
I answer the phone half barking and curious to see who would dare call at such an hour, “Hello?”
“Hi! Amanda!,” screams 80’s Lady, because she always talks in a scream.
“Hi…”
“I WAS JUST CALLIN’ TO TELL YOU IT SNOWED LAST NIGHT!”
(We live in the same town. So I obviously know this.)
” Really, 80’s Lady…Do you need anything else?”
“No, I’ve just been up since 5 calling everyone to let them know.”
I know she is dead serious about the fact that she has been up doing this. However, being the wise gal that I am, I know that 80’s Lady has more to say then just this. While it is not above her to call everyone she knows to inform them of the latest weather changes (seriously, I’ll give her your number if you need to know when a thunderstorm is approaching your area. She will call), there was something else going on this morning.
“You sure, 80’s Lady? You don’t need anything else?”
Then she blurts this out in under 10 seconds:
“Oh, well, you know my long lost daughter who has been gone for 15 years from when my first husband got custody of her and moved across the country blah blah blah? Well, it turns out she goes to your college, and she’s coming to look for you today to be your friend. I told her you wanted to be her friend too.”
“WHAT?”
“Yeah, you know, my daughter….*insert more random 80’s Lady talk*”
HOLD UP! First of all, I had no idea 80’s Lady had a long lost daughter. I suppose I had heard about it before, but it has since seeped into the deep abyss of my brain.
Of course, it would only make sense that if 80’s Lady had a long, lost daughter it would somehow all fall into my lap. Because, hell, people with a few screws lose love me! I am a magnet for it.
The problem here isn’t that I wouldn’t befriend this “long,lost daughter”. I am a nice gal. I would converse with her. But 80’s Lady ringing me up in the A.M to let me know that she has an estranged daughter who she has promised my friendship to is so typical. so…freaking..typical..
More on this later, and if you’ve read this far…Give yourself a gold star! And don’t be getting all antsy, because 80’s Lady Jr. (the long, lost daughter) did indeed track me down today. there’s more to tell. 
She sounds like the nutter on the bus.
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February 12th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
I cannot even figure out my own name at 6:30 am. It’s a miracle I find the coffee machine when I wake up.
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February 12th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
i’m not even awake at 6:30 a.m. i would never answer my phone that early. i can’t wait to hear more about this. it’s very interesting.
my question is: has she ever not called you one day? and did you think she was dead? lol.
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February 12th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
OMG, I just *howl* when I read your posts about all the batshit people that wind up as your neighbor or extended family. Just batshit. All of it.
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February 12th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
bwaaaah ha ha ha ha ha i am dying over the acid washed jeans with stirups in them!! clearly 80’s lady has no shame.
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February 12th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
Eeps. Haha. Oh my goodness. I hope 80’s Lady’s daughter isn’t a real treat herself. Ugh.
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February 12th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
lol! ..i feel sorry for you, really. that warrants a laugh though.
i have a few crazies in my family & your 80’s lady sounds a wee bit like a cousin of mine. now Guy (that’s his real name) is a nice person, and genuinely has a big heart ..but you should hear the stories that come out of his mouth. one of the biggest liars/exaggeraters i’ve ever met, seriously.
he’s currently on his way back to san andres ..to a girl he met on vacation that he put up in an apartment & is going to marry her now. ..whatever works i guess!
February 12th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
Wow, I can’t wait to hear about Jr.
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February 12th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
HAAAAAAAHA! I so get this!
My HUSBAND had his Uncle’s illegitimate daughter… that NOBODY in the family had ANY IDEA ABOUT… track him down at our business one day.
Yep, I was there. In walked this girl… “HI, Your my cousin!”
roflmbo… it was a classic moment!
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February 12th, 2008 at 7:13 pm
She’s certifiable! I really hate to admit this, but she sounds a little like my Mom. My Mom called me while I was living in Seattle to let me know my brother had a brain tumor and I needed to come home right away because he was dying. She has pulled this before, you’d think I would have learned, but oh no, I come racing home to Dallas to find out he has migraines. Yes, MIGRAINES, not a brain tumor. Thanks Mom, I’ll stay on this side of the country now.
February 12th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
Oh my gosh… this is great! Maybe not for you, but it was funny to read.
I wouldn’t even answer the phone at that hour anymore, but then she may track you down at home? Good luck with 80’s Lady… and I cannot wait to read the rest!
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February 12th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Oh. My. Crap.
Advice - change your number and NEVER answer the phone before 9am unless you think someone’s dying.
I’ll be back to read more.
February 12th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
oh.My.LORD!
I am an absolute BEAR at that hour. I get it from my mom. She has told relatives “don’t call me early in the morning even if someone dies… they will still be dead at a decent hour.” Nice huh? She is no longer the bear but man, I still am!
You are too nice. I would have changed my number a LONG time ago. Can’t wait to read up about the long, lost. :))
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February 12th, 2008 at 8:26 pm
Wow. Your in-laws are much more interesting than mine. My husband’s family is soooooo normal–very unlike the shouting alcoholic rednecks I grew up with. Ah, I miss the drama…
I can’t believe I just said that.
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February 12th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
that first paragraph you wrote…i could have written every word of it…just replace adam with gabe. i thought my inlaws were so normal…but now i know that is entirely the opposite of the truth. so…i hear you!
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February 12th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Nuts!!!
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February 12th, 2008 at 8:43 pm
You have me mesmerized… You are making my moonshine brewing step-brother sound normal. I have to hear more about this encounter with the long-lost “cousin.”
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February 12th, 2008 at 8:50 pm
HA I am laughing really hard.
Especially with “I told her that you wanted to be her friend too” because who says that?? Crazy 80’s lady…
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February 12th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
Um… Wow! That’s kinda crazy. I definately want to hear more.
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February 12th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
Holy hell.
It’s amazing what insanity creeps out of the cobwebbed corners of their family attic after you’re married!
February 12th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
I so relate….I have a whack job of a cousin picture this if you will; 21, 3 kids, husband and family live with Grandma, blah, blah, blah….
They suck.
End.Of.Story.
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February 12th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Caller ID is so worth the $$. I would never answer the phone that early. She sounds completely mental. I sense a great story though. I can’t wait to hear more.
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February 12th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
Why don’t you give 80’s lady the email to the Grandma that your hubby hijacked. They sound like they would be a great pair. They could keep each other company and you could bow out.
Hate to tell you this, Manda, but your family is whacked.
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February 12th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
you just made me realize how happy i truly am that my mother in law has decided to stop talking to me (since march30th). i was happy before this post…because i hate her but…you made me really, really happy because, i think she must be related to my horrible monster in law!! minus the long lost daughter, they sound waaaaaaay similar!!
February 12th, 2008 at 11:15 pm
I gave up cussing for Lent, but boy howdy Amanda!! There would be a stream coming right about now. Your crazy non-relative makes my hubby’s clan look almost normal. And, his sister’s hubby is in the closet and gay….there is not doubt that he’ll come out very SOON! This is so much more train wreckish that that!
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February 12th, 2008 at 11:27 pm
OMG….do tell the rest of the story!!
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February 12th, 2008 at 11:41 pm
Oh my there is more?? I can’t wait!
And I thought I had it bad… I have two MIL’s!
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February 13th, 2008 at 12:45 am
First of all, I think you are a saint to even answer the phone at that unGodly hour. I am SO not a morning person that I work nights and sleep days. Nobody wants to deal with me in the morning. It’s ugly.
Second, I can’t wait to read the rest of this story! She sounds like a real treat, and I wonder if the daughter is her mini-me?
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February 13th, 2008 at 1:31 am
I gave up answering the phone before 8:00. There is simply no way I will make sense on a call at that hour, and even less chance that I’ll actually remember the call.
If she’s that chatty can you just answer the phone and then put it down for 10 or 15 minutes at a time without her noticing?
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February 13th, 2008 at 1:58 am
OMG…I doubt I would answer that phone that early! She sounds crazy…You have me worried about what I might be marrying into!
Next time when she calls….talk for a minute…scream at the top of your lungs bang the phone against the bedside table/wall/counter wait for 3 seconds then hang up….leave the phone off the hook.
Can`t wait to read more!
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February 13th, 2008 at 4:51 am
Dude! Update. This is like watching one of my favorite reality shows. Love. Love. Love. It.
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February 13th, 2008 at 9:14 am
I heart your stories, Amanda!
Can’t wait to hear the rest!
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February 13th, 2008 at 11:56 am
Wow! She sounds like fun…lol Can’t wait to hear about her daughter!
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February 13th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
My husband has a crazy aunt. She calls to find out how much snow we got and then tries to give us “breaking news” from the evening news. I humor her as well. She’s C-R-A-Z-Y, but I feel bad when other people in the family are mean to her.
Can’t wait to hear more about Jr.
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February 13th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Oooh, can’t wait to hear the rest!
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February 13th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
have i told you yet how much i am loving reading your blog and soaking up all of your bloggy goodness?
well…
i left a little bloggy love for you over on my blog.
You. Are. Welcome.
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February 13th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
OMG! Truly?
I would be leaving my phone off the hook until 8am at least.
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February 13th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Oooh! I can’t wait to read part II!
February 13th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
HAHAHAHA… LOVE it. LOVE all of it
I too- am a magnet for weird people. I swear, I must have a welcoming face or something because random people will approach me in random places to talk. I am too nice of a person to say no- or go away- so I talk back. If my husband is with me, he just walks away. He knws better now 
I can’t wait to hear about the daughter!!!!
Kalyn’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesdays!!
February 13th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
Well, here’s hoping that this apple managed to fall far, far away from the tree.
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February 14th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
shamelesslysassy.com » 80’s Lady: The Saga Continues says:
[...] getting off of the phone that morning with 80’s Lady, I was both mortified and naive. While 80’s Lady had [...]
February 17th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
shamelesslysassy.com » 80’s Lady: The Saga Continues says:
[...] getting off of the phone that morning with 80’s Lady, I was both mortified and naive. While 80’s Lady had [...]
February 17th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Oh. My. Gosh! Is the woman’s name Pauline? LOL Oh my gosh! I have an ex- crazy friend that I haven’t spoken to since August 1, 2005. I was nice, I really was.. but all she did was lie.. and return things! If she didn’t have money, she returned something to get it. BTW, she’s the reason that so many people have issues returning ANYTHING! She would call at strange times, just show up.. I’ve actually hidden from this woman a few times. I mean, I really tried to help her! She is always sick or her kids are! And my mom said that she worked harder to stay on welfare than she would if she just got a job. I am sooo sorry that you have to deal with this. It took a huge fight, phone stalking… the works to get rid of her. Ugh.. I feel for ya!
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February 19th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
shamelesslysassy.com » Phone Fiasco: Losing Your Do Not Answer Numbers says:
[...] to me, when I have to now answer calls from the likes of 80’s Lady and other idiots of the like due to having to recensor my calls, I get so [...]
February 21st, 2008 at 11:34 pm
shamelesslysassy.com » Chaos: Emergency Rooms & Car Problems says:
[...] the party began. Guests were eating, children were playing, 80’s Lady was outside chain smoking Marlboro Reds, and the table was covered with gifts (*cough* *snort* [...]
March 5th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
shamelesslysassy.com » The Five Stages of Accepting (Or Not Accepting) Crazy Relatives says:
[...] Either way, I’m going to let you in on it. Because honestly, if you’ve got crazies like 80’s Lady ringing your phone off the hook and bustin’ in your door at 10 p.m to tell you something [...]
March 14th, 2008 at 10:54 pm
shamelesslysassy.com » Mommy-Watch:Please Don’t Ash In His Soft Spot says:
[...] Additionally, 80’s Lady was busy doing the Electric Slide, which I thought had died out in the late 80’s and only still existed in the realm of middle school dances. But have no fear, Electric Slide fans, 80’s Lady is still representing for you all. You can always count on her to attempt to bring sexy back in her own strange little way. (Don’t worry she tried to do the Soulja Boy with all the young kids, also.) Back to the story again: [...]
March 17th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
And oh my gosh about 80’s lady! My friend has an Aunt who does the same thing. She calls her CA for Crazy Aunt. Calls her every morning too early. CA calls all the time and asks “DId you call me? My phone hasn’t rung so I wonder if it’s broken.” Finally one day my friend said she did call her but nobody answered. LOL. CA said call me now to test it. She said ok and didn’t call. CA called back and asked did you call me? My friend lied and said she had even though she didn’t. So CA victoriously proclaimed her phone was broken and made her son take her to buy a new phone. Which served no purpose other to give my friend a tiny scrap of amusement that now she wasn’t the only one being abused in their relationship.
April 16th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
I have a few aunts that sound similar - old fashioned possibly. I bet she’s not living a little and sitting in a hot tub with some young stud. Now that would be crazy and oh so 80’s. Is she pretty in an 80’s way, feathered hair or r we just jealous that she has some history to talk about?
Can’t wait to hear bout her spawn.
April 18th, 2008 at 10:45 am
Oh wait “shame” on us, seek to understand first then to be understood. Maybe her crazy husband left her and then she found out about his illegitimate spawn with her best friend after he had convinced the whole family that she was deluded because she was about to spill the beans about his antics. I don’t think that would make any of us crazy as wives and mothers.
April 18th, 2008 at 10:54 am
shamelesslysassy.com » 80’s Lady Saga: The Redneck Bridal Shower says:
[...] case you are late on the 80’s Lady saga and do not feel like reading this entry about her , 80’s Lady is a crazy in-law of mine. She basically serves as the thorn in my backside with [...]
May 16th, 2008 at 11:19 am