When I married Adam, I sort of got tricked. You see, in the years I dated him previous to our marriage, he managed to hide his crazy relatives from me. In fact, I was mesmerized by the sheer sanity of his family.
(This is mostly due to the fact that I have a whole lot of crazy in mine.)
However, not long after we were married this looney-tune cousin of his escapes her straight jacket to begin antagonizing me–daily.
Let’s call her 80’s Lady. (Because she is still sporting those acid washed jeans with stirrups on the bottom that she probably shop-lifted in ‘87 while smoking a Marlboro Red in each side of her magenta-lipsticked mouth. That’s right…two Reds at one time. )
Honestly, I’m not sure that I can paint an unbiased picture of her. I’m not even going to try, because she is a liar, a thief, and a hypochondriac. She randomly claims she’s having heart surgery when she might actually be going to the doctor for an eye exam (TRUE STORY). She takes her children to the ER for scraped knees, and then tells them and everyone else that they have something outrageous along the lines of SARS. She would probably rather drive 300 miles for a pack of free oatmeal than get a job.
To say the least, the very least, 80’s Lady is a thorn in my backside. AND, the wonderful qualities that I mentioned above are not even the reason my skin itches violently in her presence.
It’s the fact that she feels the need to call me every day before 7 a.m….before I even drink my first cup of coffee.
Yes, I am serious.
While I am awake early in the morning, I am not the sort of person who wants to talk on the phone at 6:30. In fact, I am the last person in the world that anyone would want to talk to at that hour.
I practically bark at people, and I am honestly not safe in the vicinity of people as unpleasant as 80’s Lady.
Because I am apparently a glutton for punishment, I’ve been nice to her in the past. It’s hard not to be amicable, because while her character is flawed beyond recognition, most of the time she has good intentions. She’s just never gone about the good intentions in a manner that wasn’t illegal or insane.
Apparently, my nice actions have merited telephone love from her.
This is snipped of what I thought was going to be a typical call from 80’s Lady around 6:10 a.m this morning:
I answer the phone half barking and curious to see who would dare call at such an hour, “Hello?”
“Hi! Amanda!,” screams 80’s Lady, because she always talks in a scream.
“Hi…”
“I WAS JUST CALLIN’ TO TELL YOU IT SNOWED LAST NIGHT!”
(We live in the same town. So I obviously know this.)
” Really, 80’s Lady…Do you need anything else?”
“No, I’ve just been up since 5 calling everyone to let them know.”
I know she is dead serious about the fact that she has been up doing this. However, being the wise gal that I am, I know that 80’s Lady has more to say then just this. While it is not above her to call everyone she knows to inform them of the latest weather changes (seriously, I’ll give her your number if you need to know when a thunderstorm is approaching your area. She will call), there was something else going on this morning.
“You sure, 80’s Lady? You don’t need anything else?”
Then she blurts this out in under 10 seconds:
“Oh, well, you know my long lost daughter who has been gone for 15 years from when my first husband got custody of her and moved across the country blah blah blah? Well, it turns out she goes to your college, and she’s coming to look for you today to be your friend. I told her you wanted to be her friend too.”
“WHAT?”
“Yeah, you know, my daughter….*insert more random 80’s Lady talk*”
HOLD UP! First of all, I had no idea 80’s Lady had a long lost daughter. I suppose I had heard about it before, but it has since seeped into the deep abyss of my brain.
Of course, it would only make sense that if 80’s Lady had a long, lost daughter it would somehow all fall into my lap. Because, hell, people with a few screws lose love me! I am a magnet for it.
The problem here isn’t that I wouldn’t befriend this “long,lost daughter”. I am a nice gal. I would converse with her. But 80’s Lady ringing me up in the A.M to let me know that she has an estranged daughter who she has promised my friendship to is so typical. so…freaking..typical..
More on this later, and if you’ve read this far…Give yourself a gold star! And don’t be getting all antsy, because 80’s Lady Jr. (the long, lost daughter) did indeed track me down today. there’s more to tell. 
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