A few years ago, Adam and I lived on a street mostly filled with elderly couples. We were by far the youngest couple in the neighborhood, and in that manner, we definitely stood out. The house to the left of us belonged to a lady in her 90’s and her 50 year old daughter. Her daughter (Carla*) had never been married, and rarely, if ever. That is, until she found AOL Instant Messenger.
You see, that’s the beauty of the world wide web. I’ve never dated online. Not due to personal afflictions to the idea, but because I was crazy lucky enough to meet my soulmate in real life. Otherwise, maybe I would have.
But back to Carla, she met a man online that she enjoyed quite a bit. She enjoyed him so much that she moved his unemployed ass up to her house from Alabama and married him a week later. Let’s call the man, Martin*.
Martin was a jolly character of nearly 400 lbs. ( It’s very important that you remember this. )I only know this, because he often talked about his weight. He often talked about everything. He was very friendly and quipped with a southern drawl rivaling that of any O’Hara. He seemed like a nice enough guy.
Our first encounter with Martin was interesting to say the least. It was nearly midnight, and seeing that our lights were on and we appeared to have company, Martin decided to invite himself over. Of course, we let him in, because we know a character when we see one.
Luckily, we were right.
After gracing us with thirty minutes of what could only be make believe stories, Martin randomly asked for a whole bottle of whiskey. We had one, and Adam, for some reason, felt compelled to give it to him. Mostly, he was under the impression that Martin would take it home and drink it.
Wrong.
Martin decided to break the bottle open right then and there, and drink it. ALL.
After that and several cycles of the same stories he had entertained us with previously, Martin’s new wife called his cell phone informing him that he had to come home, NOW. He wobbled home, and in the process of walking to his front porch, ran straight into his house. Do not mistakenly read the word ‘ran’ as in super fast walking. I mean, he literally walked into the side of his house and fell down in the grass. and passed out– which was way funnier to witness than you might think.
Sadly,this was not the last time that Martin felt the need to grace us with his presence. It started occurring regularly. Too regularly. In a sad sort of way, we got used to him. Having him around was sort of like having your drunk Uncle around, he told funny stories and somehow lacked the ability to sense that we could see through his lies.
Finally, one night when we had a lot of friends over, Martin invited himself in again. He came into our living room, sat down, and made himself at home. Never liking to go without notice, Martin started up his hoopla about living with Dolphins and monkeys riding in his truck with him, when I heard very, very loud flatulence. Or at least, what I thought was flatulence.
Until all 400 lbs. of Martin bolted up off of our nice leather couch, high-tailed it to the bathroom.
Yes, friends, Martin had just shit himself on my couch.
(And yes, my mother did raise me better than to call defecating “shitting”, but what else do you call it when your 400 lb. neighbor lets it go on your couch?)
Don’t you fool yourself into thinking this is the last we saw of him either! I’ll save the rest for later.
*Names have been changed to protect the nasty folk and the naive spouses of the nasty folk.
Technically…wouldn’t that be a Shart? lol! OMG, I would have totally freaked if someone shit on my couch or anywhere that was in my vicinity.
Sister Sassy’s last blog post..“Sorry, wrong number”: Can 411 tell me my calling?
January 29th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
I wonder if Martin also tells this story? OMG, did it clean up okay? gagging…
Blog Starr’s last blog post..How to Use Your Blog to Stroke Your Ego
January 29th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
That would have been the last time I let him into my house.
Solomon Broad’s last blog post..1 Week Giveaway
January 29th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Holy shit. Props for continuting to let him in your home. I think I would be more of a turn the lights off-curtains drawn-ducking behind the kitchen counter type, in that situation.
Huckdoll’s last blog post..My Friend Is Making A Baby. What Have You Done Today?
January 29th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
OMG! I think I would have had to burn the couch! I can’t believe he still came over after shitting all over himself! (I had to retype that line like 5 times- I was laughing too hard!)
Nissa’s last blog post..Drugs, Tiaras, and Harry Connick, Jr.
January 29th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
I can only hope your leather was simonized…
What a story!
First time visitor here, via Entrecard.
Mo’s last blog post..Tuesday Poll:Driver License Photo
January 29th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
There is no comment appropriate. Unbelievable.
Jenni’s last blog post..What The…?
January 29th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Waiting for the next installment to learn if the marriage did indeed last and if you bought a new couch.
Sister Honey Bunch’s last blog post..“Sorry, wrong number”: Can 411 tell me my calling?
January 29th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
You tell one hell of a funny shit story! You just made my work day a lot more bearable.
Cheers-
Lizzie
January 29th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
That is so fuck funny! I needed that lmao!
Robin’s last blog post..Protected: Give Me A Break
January 29th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
OMG!! That was hilarious!!
Just stopping by to say Hi as I had noticed you in my “guest book”…..hope to read more.
Qweenie’s last blog post..Oh the weather outside is frightful……
January 29th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Oh man. Really, what can you say? And really, you let him BACK in your house?? I can’t wait to read about that!
amy’s last blog post..Dear Daddy, Vol III
January 29th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
Southern-fried eccentrics are the best eccentrics of all. (In hindsight, of course. They’re not always as much fun at the time.)
Great story. Congrats on the Bloggie nom!
January 29th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
I know I shouldn’t think this is so funny, but I do. Did you ever see Along Came Polly? This reminds me of that movie!
Miss Sniz’s last blog post..Rejuvenation
January 29th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
HOLY CRAP! How does one have the gall to return to someone else’s couch they shat on? Anyone between the age of 10-70 that craps in my house any place other than the toilet warrants no. more. eye. contact. Ever…
Sandy (Momisodes)’s last blog post..So What If I’m Late?
January 29th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
*shudder*
I can’t believe he actually came back!
Veronica’s last blog post..The Big Blog Giveaway
January 29th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
OH MY GOD. That is totally a shart! I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING, LMAO.
Bobbi’s last blog post..MIA Week
January 29th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
oh geez, a fat guy pooped on your couch. sounds about like my life. oh, and your welcome. i think this is very interesting…and random.
but i am random. so, its good for me.
January 29th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Eeewwww! That’s revolting! But highly amusing…
Oddly enough, I can’t wait to hear more stories about this character.
LunaNik’s last blog post..Untitled
January 29th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
OMG! Please tell me you bought a new couch or had it seriously sterilized! Or better yet, made him buy you a new couch!
January 29th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
R-LMAO!!! You definitely write a good story. I can not WAIT to hear the rest of the story. It reminds me of a story my parents told me of when they went to Vegas and a man shat himself at a blackjack table! Can you imagine?!?! HAHAHAHA!
Sani2’s last blog post..Adventures in The Big Island
January 29th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
OMG!!!!
I sure did not need to read this post —- I am having training issues with the boys - my 4 yr old has reverted back to pooping in his underwear and the 3 yearold just is not interested…..me and poop are not getting along…GOD, I hope DJ does not become Martin!!!!
Laura from the Fringe’s last blog post..Refuge of the Unimaginative
January 29th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
LOL! But the question is was his shart forceful enough to escape his pants and mark the couch?
Ian’s last blog post..You know Canberra is the porn capital of Australia when …
January 29th, 2008 at 9:21 pm
I just threw up in my mouth.. that is so gross. Did he ever mention it?? Sorry I shit on your couch next time I will hold it in? Like what do you say?
Kim’s last blog post..Where is my Nursing Home Application?
January 29th, 2008 at 9:29 pm
Oh gross. I can’t believe that happened to you. Can’t wait to hear the next part.
janethesane’s last blog post..My Best Friend Ceiling Fan
January 29th, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Oh. My God.
I may have just had someone literally lift the couch and throw it out of my house.
Rachel’s last blog post..If I were a Disney Princess
January 29th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Holy crap! That is a craptastic story!
I puked on my couch yesterday. Seriously.
Read all about it.
January 29th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
Muahahahaha! That is great in that so wrong sort of way. I had a co-worker almost exactly like Martin. I didn’t really like the guy but the lies and stories he dreamed up were just so fun to laugh at. It was so entertaining, like a live action one man soap opera. He’d trip over his words so much. Ironically enough, he never pooped on my couch but the guy MUST have dookied in his pants a couple times because he had really bad hiney BO.
Madison Chase’s last blog post..Ungrateful
January 29th, 2008 at 11:21 pm
what a bizarre experience. i’ve had a few neighbors that pests me, expecially the loud couple upstairs from my appartment, but no one has dared to poop on my couch. although, what i would give to know more of my neighbors. i feel so isolated in this compound, it doesn’t even matter if there’s about 200 of us living in it.
sad. but true.
Marjie’s last blog post..Chivalry is in a Man’s Genes
January 29th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
Please, please tell me that he cleaned it or his wife- you know, the whole “for better or worse” thing. That’s definitely a “worse” moment.
January 30th, 2008 at 12:22 am
Wow. What did you guys do when he returned? Act like it didn’t happen?!
I have a feeling these future stories will be quite entertaining!
Jen’s last blog post..The not so do-gooders
January 30th, 2008 at 9:00 am
Nothing like a good shart to get 400 lbs. of fat ass up off the couch in a hurry.
Great story - and well written. I’m glad it YOUR story and not mine.
lceel’s last blog post..AN almost Wordless Wednesday
January 30th, 2008 at 10:01 am
First visit here, I like your writing style. Although, the story in itself is disgusting you have a great way of conveying the humor in the story.
Ang’s last blog post..A Basket full of…
January 30th, 2008 at 11:10 am
OH. MY. GOD. That is one of the funniest things I have EVER heard. I will have to write my “poop on the couch” story over on my blog and of course, I’ll link back to you!
ALF’s last blog post..What’s Not To Like?
January 30th, 2008 at 11:25 am
SHART?! Omgosh! FUNNNNNY.
I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone shart on my couch.
Now, this inquiring mind wants to know…
Did the contents remain in his pants?
Natalie’s last blog post..First Kiss
January 30th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
OMG!! I am dying over here!! That is frickin’ hilarious!!!
Alison’s last blog post..A Contest!!!!
January 30th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
shamelesslysassy.com » “You’re Going to Go Tell the Internet. Aren’t You?” says:
[...] « Why Yes, My Neighbor DID Poop on My Couch. Jan 30 2008 [...]
January 30th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
hahahahah. oh man, this is priceless. and you still let him back over? how did you clean the poo off your couch? ewe.
jess’s last blog post..I am alive!
January 30th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
Dude, that is so grim!
Baby poop on the couch I can deal with. Man shat? Not so much.
andi’s last blog post..Photographic proof
January 30th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
SO funny but oh so gross!!
Sarcastica’s last blog post..Ask Sarcastica: Volume 1
January 30th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
I guess you will be putting down a towel for his future visits. And don’t ever serve him beans.
Dad Stuff’s last blog post..Caught Peeking
January 30th, 2008 at 11:08 pm
Holy crap (literally) he came back after that? How did he explain that situation away? Sheesh!
Melissa’s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen - My Favorite Mommy Blogs…
January 30th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
Shart…Love that comment. And oh my gosh, I am laughing so freaking hard at your post, I think I just sharted MYSELF!!!
I am here courtesy of Alf….and I am so glad she sent me here. That was a great post. I cannot BELIEVE this guy did this. How horrible. Did it stank?
Sorry, but I’m thinking it must have been horrible!!!
dana’s last blog post..Real Quick
January 30th, 2008 at 11:37 pm
ALF can tell you I know about sharts. Just google witchypoo shart and see.
witchypoo’s last blog post..The Great Interview Experiment
January 31st, 2008 at 12:01 am
That is so funny! You guys must be really nice to keep letting him come around!!! lol
January 31st, 2008 at 1:11 pm
ALF told me to come over here and read this. ALF found me from Melissa at Hope. I don’t know how Melissa and I found one another. I did what ALF asked me to do. Your neighbor crapped on your couch. Good that it was leather, right? Do you feel like donating some blood and winning some cashola? OK. Now I am going back to see what else ALF has to say. Also wondering if Martin is still your neighbor. And if he knew he shit on your couch. I’m guessing yes to at least one of those questions. Bye! : )
Manic Mommy’s last blog post..She Said I Was Fat
January 31st, 2008 at 2:51 pm
shamelesslysassy.com » The Martin Scandal Update says:
[...] of you are particularly curious about Martin and his couch shartin‘. To put your minds (and my sanity) at ease, I’ll address the some of the questions. [...]
January 31st, 2008 at 6:26 pm
Thank you ! thank you! thank you! I needed to laugh so badly today! These are the happiest, funniest tears I’ve shed in a long time! I am sorry about your couch and for your ‘adopted uncle’ but that episode HAD to happen just so you’d post it and make so many of us delirious!
January 31st, 2008 at 7:21 pm
I was reading ALF’s blog and she suggested that everyone take a look at your blog. That is hilarious and disgusting.
Allison’s last blog post..I Never Knew It Was A Big Deal
February 1st, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Dude, a 400 lb man sharted on your couch??? Holy SHIT! Yes, pun intended. Now, are you sure THIS isn’t one of Martin’s stories?? LOL
Kelly’s last blog post..I did it-I watched it!
February 12th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
This is so freaking funny.
Oh MY GOD.
I mean I’m glad it wasn’t MY couch but it was great to read about!
Jamie’s last blog post..A Trifecta of Jamming
March 19th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
oh man….
(wouldn’t it be ’shat’ ?)
and did you HAVE to pick ‘Martin’…
;0)
Xbox4NappyRash’s last blog post..24,000,000,000 to 1
April 11th, 2008 at 5:57 pm