Why Yes, My Neighbor DID Poop on My Couch.
- January 29th, 2008 1:03 pm
A few years ago, Adam and I lived on a street mostly filled with elderly couples. We were by far the youngest couple in the neighborhood, and in that manner, we definitely stood out. The house to the left of us belonged to a lady in her 90’s and her 50 year old daughter. Her daughter (Carla*) had never been married, and rarely, if ever. That is, until she found AOL Instant Messenger.
You see, that’s the beauty of the world wide web. I’ve never dated online. Not due to personal afflictions to the idea, but because I was crazy lucky enough to meet my soulmate in real life. Otherwise, maybe I would have.
But back to Carla, she met a man online that she enjoyed quite a bit. She enjoyed him so much that she moved his unemployed ass up to her house from Alabama and married him a week later. Let’s call the man, Martin*.
Martin was a jolly character of nearly 400 lbs. ( It’s very important that you remember this. )I only know this, because he often talked about his weight. He often talked about everything. He was very friendly and quipped with a southern drawl rivaling that of any O’Hara. He seemed like a nice enough guy.
Our first encounter with Martin was interesting to say the least. It was nearly midnight, and seeing that our lights were on and we appeared to have company, Martin decided to invite himself over. Of course, we let him in, because we know a character when we see one.
Luckily, we were right.
After gracing us with thirty minutes of what could only be make believe stories, Martin randomly asked for a whole bottle of whiskey. We had one, and Adam, for some reason, felt compelled to give it to him. Mostly, he was under the impression that Martin would take it home and drink it.
Wrong.
Martin decided to break the bottle open right then and there, and drink it. ALL.
After that and several cycles of the same stories he had entertained us with previously, Martin’s new wife called his cell phone informing him that he had to come home, NOW. He wobbled home, and in the process of walking to his front porch, ran straight into his house. Do not mistakenly read the word ‘ran’ as in super fast walking. I mean, he literally walked into the side of his house and fell down in the grass. and passed out– which was way funnier to witness than you might think.
Sadly,this was not the last time that Martin felt the need to grace us with his presence. It started occurring regularly. Too regularly. In a sad sort of way, we got used to him. Having him around was sort of like having your drunk Uncle around, he told funny stories and somehow lacked the ability to sense that we could see through his lies.
Finally, one night when we had a lot of friends over, Martin invited himself in again. He came into our living room, sat down, and made himself at home. Never liking to go without notice, Martin started up his hoopla about living with Dolphins and monkeys riding in his truck with him, when I heard very, very loud flatulence. Or at least, what I thought was flatulence.
Until all 400 lbs. of Martin bolted up off of our nice leather couch, high-tailed it to the bathroom.
Yes, friends, Martin had just shit himself on my couch.
(And yes, my mother did raise me better than to call defecating “shitting”, but what else do you call it when your 400 lb. neighbor lets it go on your couch?)
Don’t you fool yourself into thinking this is the last we saw of him either! I’ll save the rest for later.
*Names have been changed to protect the nasty folk and the naive spouses of the nasty folk.
January 29th, 2008 @ 1:30 pm
Technically…wouldn’t that be a Shart? lol! OMG, I would have totally freaked if someone shit on my couch or anywhere that was in my vicinity.
Sister Sassy’s last blog post..“Sorry, wrong number”: Can 411 tell me my calling?
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January 29th, 2008 @ 1:37 pm
I wonder if Martin also tells this story? OMG, did it clean up okay? gagging…
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January 29th, 2008 @ 1:45 pm
That would have been the last time I let him into my house.
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January 29th, 2008 @ 2:08 pm
Holy shit. Props for continuting to let him in your home. I think I would be more of a turn the lights off-curtains drawn-ducking behind the kitchen counter type, in that situation.
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January 29th, 2008 @ 2:16 pm
OMG! I think I would have had to burn the couch! I can’t believe he still came over after shitting all over himself! (I had to retype that line like 5 times- I was laughing too hard!)
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January 29th, 2008 @ 2:17 pm
I can only hope your leather was simonized…
What a story!
First time visitor here, via Entrecard.
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January 29th, 2008 @ 2:17 pm
There is no comment appropriate. Unbelievable.
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January 29th, 2008 @ 2:17 pm
Waiting for the next installment to learn if the marriage did indeed last and if you bought a new couch.
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January 29th, 2008 @ 2:31 pm
You tell one hell of a funny shit story! You just made my work day a lot more bearable.
Cheers-
Lizzie
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January 29th, 2008 @ 3:58 pm
That is so fuck funny! I needed that lmao!
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January 29th, 2008 @ 4:42 pm
OMG!! That was hilarious!!
Just stopping by to say Hi as I had noticed you in my “guest book”…..hope to read more.
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January 29th, 2008 @ 4:44 pm
Oh man. Really, what can you say? And really, you let him BACK in your house?? I can’t wait to read about that!
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January 29th, 2008 @ 4:54 pm
Southern-fried eccentrics are the best eccentrics of all. (In hindsight, of course. They’re not always as much fun at the time.)
Great story. Congrats on the Bloggie nom!
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January 29th, 2008 @ 5:17 pm
I know I shouldn’t think this is so funny, but I do. Did you ever see Along Came Polly? This reminds me of that movie!
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January 29th, 2008 @ 5:59 pm
HOLY CRAP! How does one have the gall to return to someone else’s couch they shat on? Anyone between the age of 10-70 that craps in my house any place other than the toilet warrants no. more. eye. contact. Ever…
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January 29th, 2008 @ 6:16 pm
*shudder*
I can’t believe he actually came back!
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January 29th, 2008 @ 6:40 pm
OH MY GOD. That is totally a shart! I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING, LMAO.
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January 29th, 2008 @ 6:43 pm
oh geez, a fat guy pooped on your couch. sounds about like my life. oh, and your welcome. i think this is very interesting…and random.
but i am random. so, its good for me.
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January 29th, 2008 @ 6:50 pm
Eeewwww! That’s revolting! But highly amusing…
Oddly enough, I can’t wait to hear more stories about this character.
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January 29th, 2008 @ 6:53 pm
OMG! Please tell me you bought a new couch or had it seriously sterilized! Or better yet, made him buy you a new couch!
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January 29th, 2008 @ 6:55 pm
R-LMAO!!! You definitely write a good story. I can not WAIT to hear the rest of the story. It reminds me of a story my parents told me of when they went to Vegas and a man shat himself at a blackjack table! Can you imagine?!?! HAHAHAHA!
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January 29th, 2008 @ 8:15 pm
OMG!!!!
I sure did not need to read this post —- I am having training issues with the boys – my 4 yr old has reverted back to pooping in his underwear and the 3 yearold just is not interested…..me and poop are not getting along…GOD, I hope DJ does not become Martin!!!!
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January 29th, 2008 @ 9:21 pm
LOL! But the question is was his shart forceful enough to escape his pants and mark the couch?
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January 29th, 2008 @ 9:29 pm
I just threw up in my mouth.. that is so gross. Did he ever mention it?? Sorry I shit on your couch next time I will hold it in? Like what do you say?
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January 29th, 2008 @ 9:30 pm
Oh gross. I can’t believe that happened to you. Can’t wait to hear the next part.
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January 29th, 2008 @ 9:35 pm
Oh. My God.
I may have just had someone literally lift the couch and throw it out of my house.
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January 29th, 2008 @ 9:47 pm
Holy crap! That is a craptastic story!
I puked on my couch yesterday. Seriously.
Read all about it.
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January 29th, 2008 @ 11:21 pm
Muahahahaha! That is great in that so wrong sort of way. I had a co-worker almost exactly like Martin. I didn’t really like the guy but the lies and stories he dreamed up were just so fun to laugh at. It was so entertaining, like a live action one man soap opera. He’d trip over his words so much. Ironically enough, he never pooped on my couch but the guy MUST have dookied in his pants a couple times because he had really bad hiney BO.
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January 29th, 2008 @ 11:25 pm
what a bizarre experience. i’ve had a few neighbors that pests me, expecially the loud couple upstairs from my appartment, but no one has dared to poop on my couch. although, what i would give to know more of my neighbors. i feel so isolated in this compound, it doesn’t even matter if there’s about 200 of us living in it.
sad. but true.
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January 30th, 2008 @ 12:22 am
Please, please tell me that he cleaned it or his wife- you know, the whole “for better or worse” thing. That’s definitely a “worse” moment.
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January 30th, 2008 @ 9:00 am
Wow. What did you guys do when he returned? Act like it didn’t happen?!
I have a feeling these future stories will be quite entertaining!
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January 30th, 2008 @ 10:01 am
Nothing like a good shart to get 400 lbs. of fat ass up off the couch in a hurry.
Great story – and well written. I’m glad it YOUR story and not mine.
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January 30th, 2008 @ 11:10 am
First visit here, I like your writing style. Although, the story in itself is disgusting you have a great way of conveying the humor in the story.
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January 30th, 2008 @ 11:25 am
OH. MY. GOD. That is one of the funniest things I have EVER heard. I will have to write my “poop on the couch” story over on my blog and of course, I’ll link back to you!
ALF’s last blog post..What’s Not To Like?
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January 30th, 2008 @ 1:14 pm
SHART?! Omgosh! FUNNNNNY.
I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone shart on my couch.
Now, this inquiring mind wants to know…
Did the contents remain in his pants?
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January 30th, 2008 @ 2:41 pm
OMG!! I am dying over here!! That is frickin’ hilarious!!!
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shamelesslysassy.com » “you’re going to go tell the internet. aren’t you?”
January 30th, 2008 @ 5:27 pm
[...] « Why Yes, My Neighbor DID Poop on My Couch. Jan 30 2008 [...]
January 30th, 2008 @ 5:34 pm
hahahahah. oh man, this is priceless. and you still let him back over? how did you clean the poo off your couch? ewe.
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January 30th, 2008 @ 6:27 pm
Dude, that is so grim!
Baby poop on the couch I can deal with. Man shat? Not so much.
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January 30th, 2008 @ 8:17 pm
SO funny but oh so gross!!
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January 30th, 2008 @ 11:08 pm
I guess you will be putting down a towel for his future visits. And don’t ever serve him beans.
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January 30th, 2008 @ 11:11 pm
Holy crap (literally) he came back after that? How did he explain that situation away? Sheesh!
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January 30th, 2008 @ 11:37 pm
Shart…Love that comment. And oh my gosh, I am laughing so freaking hard at your post, I think I just sharted MYSELF!!!
I am here courtesy of Alf….and I am so glad she sent me here. That was a great post. I cannot BELIEVE this guy did this. How horrible. Did it stank?
Sorry, but I’m thinking it must have been horrible!!!
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January 31st, 2008 @ 12:01 am
ALF can tell you I know about sharts. Just google witchypoo shart and see.
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January 31st, 2008 @ 1:11 pm
That is so funny! You guys must be really nice to keep letting him come around!!! lol
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January 31st, 2008 @ 2:51 pm
ALF told me to come over here and read this. ALF found me from Melissa at Hope. I don’t know how Melissa and I found one another. I did what ALF asked me to do. Your neighbor crapped on your couch. Good that it was leather, right? Do you feel like donating some blood and winning some cashola? OK. Now I am going back to see what else ALF has to say. Also wondering if Martin is still your neighbor. And if he knew he shit on your couch. I’m guessing yes to at least one of those questions. Bye! : )
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shamelesslysassy.com » the martin scandal update
January 31st, 2008 @ 6:26 pm
[...] of you are particularly curious about Martin and his couch shartin‘. To put your minds (and my sanity) at ease, I’ll address the some of the questions. [...]
January 31st, 2008 @ 7:21 pm
Thank you ! thank you! thank you! I needed to laugh so badly today! These are the happiest, funniest tears I’ve shed in a long time! I am sorry about your couch and for your ‘adopted uncle’ but that episode HAD to happen just so you’d post it and make so many of us delirious!
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February 1st, 2008 @ 3:00 pm
I was reading ALF’s blog and she suggested that everyone take a look at your blog. That is hilarious and disgusting.
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February 12th, 2008 @ 6:13 pm
Dude, a 400 lb man sharted on your couch??? Holy SHIT! Yes, pun intended. Now, are you sure THIS isn’t one of Martin’s stories?? LOL
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March 19th, 2008 @ 1:36 pm
This is so freaking funny.
Oh MY GOD.
I mean I’m glad it wasn’t MY couch but it was great to read about!
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April 11th, 2008 @ 5:57 pm
oh man….
(wouldn’t it be ’shat’ ?)
and did you HAVE to pick ‘Martin’…
;0)
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June 5th, 2008 @ 5:53 pm
Um, did you evacuate the residence and set fire to the house, because that’s what I would have had to do. Can’t WAIT to hear the rest of the story!
It seems like everyone has someone in their lives like Martin. CATCH A CLUE, WELCOME WEARER-OUTERS.
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June 6th, 2008 @ 2:17 pm
Blech. Gross. Nasty. Wow, I’m late reading this.
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