I fall to pieces

March 12th, 2010 12:25 am ·
4 comments

I wish I could write here again. I try so often to type anything worthwhile about what is going on in my life, but I never seem to make it to publish. There are so many things I could share, if I would. But sharing is the hard part most of the time.

I turned 25 on February 11th. I’ve nearly let my driver’s license expire, which isn’t great for someone that drives everywhere they go. I’m not reading or writing near as often, and I feel somewhat broken. I also have trouble typing that I feel somewhat broken without feeling like a kid wearing all black clothing and too much black eyeliner. It’s the sort of thing you can tell people you don’t see everyday, but the people you do see everyday act dumbfounded when they read. Surely it isn’t that much of a secret, and if it is, they likely aren’t paying enough attention. Just my theory.

Moving on, Allie turned 5 on March 4th. FIVE. I cried for at least an hour thinking about it the night before. It was the normal cliche sort of ‘my baby is getting older cry’, I suppose. But I was so sad and happy, and really, I was just amazed. I’ve raised a baby, and she’s turned five. She has all of her fingers and toes. She walks, talks, argues and analyzes things. It’s amazing and heartbreaking and breathtaking. It’s lots of things.

Also, once of my younger cousins attempted suicide last week. She’s 16, and it truly breaks my heart that at 16 she wants to die. When I was 16, I wanted a later curfew. I wanted to live hard and fast and strong. I most definitely did not wish to die. To be honest, it just really sucks that she’s in that sort of pain. There are tons of words I could use, but sucks just really sums it up. I hope desperately that anything good will come out of this, because she’s really an incredible girl, and the various sets of circumstances that seem to have blazed this trail are horrible.

Anyway, on to happier places:

-I’ve been watching American Idol, as per usual. Crystal Bowersox is basically my homegirl.

-I’ve been playing Super Mario for Wii. It’s rocking my world.

-I’m still dieting. It’s working and I feel fabulous in that sense.

-I’ve taken up watching college basketball, and I get so anxious during games that I remember why I avoid watching sports.

-The number of white hairs on my head has increased by so much.

-I miss writing here, but I don’t know how to fix getting myself to actually write.

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