My Baby Daddy

June 22nd, 2009 6:18 pm ·
36 comments

Today, I peed on a stick from Rite Aid. After the stick told me I wasn’t pregnant, I started chanting “HELL YEAH” very loudly while standing alone in my bathroom small but ugly tiled master bathroom.* I also jumped up and down and did a jig. Then I kept chanting Hell Yeah and did the dance that the Kool Aid man used to do when the Kool Aid commercials were actually good, and he would break through the walls of houses and tear shit down. That was my Kool Aid man.

Anyway.

I’m not really even sure why I thought that I was pregnant other than the fact that I am somewhat superstitious. You see, I sold a lot of Allie’s baby things/devices in a yard sale earlier this month. I wanted rid of them as they were just taking up half of my garage and storage. However, I just knew that if I sold them I would be magically pregnant the second I accepted the money. So when my period was late, I just decided that instead of a normally late period fate had intervened and given me a baby as punishment.** I was also super tired yesterday. Like pregnant tired, so I decided to test my fate.

But the Rite Aid sticks were negative, which was joyous, for me anyway. You see, the only positive pregnancy test that I’ve ever had was from Kmart. So I chose not to buy one there, as they tend to sell positive pregnancy tests.

Rite Aid alone was quite the experience since I did not want to excite Allie with the idea of of a brother or sister if she wasn’t going to have one. So I had to tell her I was buying a weird medication for adults in order for her to quit questioning the box in my hands. Not once did I tell her what I was purchasing. So it was a surprise when she spent the rest of the day pretending to be pregnant. Which I’m not, so hell yeah. AGAIN.

Back to Allie, she was walking around with a basketball shoved up her sundress and rubbing her belly. Then she got into an argument with Cannick*** her imaginary boyfriend. He is apparently now her imaginary babydaddy. But he’s gone all deadbeat on her, because all I could hear her say to him is this, ” I’M PREGNANT, and you DON’T! EVEN!CARE!” I guess Cannick decided to bail.

*I really hesitated to post my happiness at not being pregnant. Mostly because I feel like I should apologize for this happiness, because I currently know so many people that want to be pregnant. However, I am not one of them. I do not want to be pregnant. However, please know that if you currently want to be pregnant, I want you to be pregnant too. It’s just not for me right now. If you are somehow offended by my joy, I deeply apologize.

**I don’t think babies are punishment. I love babies. I just don’t want a baby right now or maybe ever in the future.

***Cannick has been her imaginary boyfriend for a running total of 6 months now. They break up sometimes. She made the name up, I’m sure.

****Has anyone noticed that I’ve kept my titles as songs since saying I was going to do so? Yes? Thank you. However, the post could have alternatively been called, “HELL YEAH, I’m not pregnant!”

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