thinking
- January 10th, 2010 8:17 pm
I’ve spent the bulk of my early and mid twenties watching cartoons and coloring pages in Little Mermaid coloring books, and I’m okay with that. I think. I mean, I’m okay with it most of the time. However, there are certainly times that I wish I had spent that time as I had planned previously: traveling, sleeping in, getting lost in strange cities, reading for days on end and basking in the selfishness of doing as I pleased for just me.
It’s a lot to think about, I guess. I’m sure every stage of life is that way. You look back at what you’ve done and compare it to what you once intended to do with the result not always being something you are completely pleased with.
Part of me feels like that if I document what is wrong to me, if I try to fix it with words, maybe it would be fixed in real life. Sometimes when I write things out, when I describe things that are bothering me in my life they seem so insignificant when placed in words. It’s half of the reason I don’t post. Once I write out what I feel is going on, it seems so very silly that I can not bring myself to hit publish. My problems are so tiny. Large to me, but tiny in the grand scheme. Sort of like ants in your kitchen, I guess. They seem like a huge problem to you, but at least you have a home and a kitchen. They’re just ants. But still, small things exist. They count. They mean something. It’s a big whirlwind of whogivesafuck, I guess.
The problem is: I’ve spent a lot of time lately thinking about what I’m trying to accomplish as a want-t0-be writer, as a person, as a mother; as anyone, really. What bothers me is that I’m not completely sure. I no longer lay out plans in advance for myself and attempt to follow the path. It seems as if I’m just following random paths and hoping that the destination is one that I would like. The planner in me, the one that keeps extensive notes regarding important things and keeps track of nearly everything on excel, has a hard time coping with this new mechanism for life.
It’s like being lost and hoping you wind up in a place you love by haphazard chance.
I don’t know. Just pretend this makes sense. I am.
January 10th, 2010 @ 10:47 pm
You’re totally normal. And totally loved. Well, by me anyway.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last blog ..Peepee penguin footie pajamas. Hypothetically.
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January 10th, 2010 at 11:38 pm
@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing],
Thank you.
-Amanda
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January 10th, 2010 @ 10:58 pm
Okay, it’s like you took the words in my head, and typed it out. As much as I enjoy being a mom, there’s this part of me that woke up one day and said, “Holy shit! I’m 30!” and started thinking about all those grand plans I’d had and never actually achieved. It’s really ironic b/c I was just goofing off one day and wrote an entire chapter about something like this. I think you make perfect sense, and I think there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. We make our own destiny’s, and I’m sure that when you’re 99 and looking back at your life, you won’t regret one thing. Hang in there! Sending Hugs!
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January 11th, 2010 @ 8:23 am
This is exactly how I feel right now, only since I turn 40 this year, it’s a reflection on an additional decade of life. And that’s why I have filled lotsa notebooks over the last 9 or 10 months. And why there are drafts at my blog. And why I type out an email to the ex and hit delete.
I would think it would be worse if you didn’t pause and reflect. At least you are looking it in the eye and adjusting. Plus we can only plan so much, life has a way of happening without us. Sometimes it’s better not to try to wrangle it in to submission.
Kel´s last blog ..Marshmallows Roasting by the Space Heater
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January 11th, 2010 @ 11:30 am
I think this is totally normal! If we didn’t look back on what are plans used to be and compare them with where we are, we wouldn’t be able to see what we have gained in the process! Totally makes sense!
Courtney´s last blog ..Wrapping it up!
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January 11th, 2010 @ 4:11 pm
There are two factors to accommodate in life – your head and your heart. Almost invariably, those two factors are in conflict. Your head tells you one thing – your heart tells you another, and you are forced to choose.
People who choose the head ALL the time? Leona Helmsley.
People who choose the heart ALL the time? Mother Theresa.
Most people, thankfully, wind up somewhere in between those extremes. But in doing so, always look back to choices that could have been made differently. Good OR bad.
lceel´s last blog ..Monday Meanders 1-10
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January 11th, 2010 @ 5:41 pm
I understand.
I feel like I’m at a crossroads. I either need to decide to put planning and my goals off, or DO something about them. Before I got married, I had a plan. Get my PhD, become a professor, be brilliant and teach. Then I met my husband, decided to quit school with an MA (unrelated to getting married), had kids.
I decided to be the best mother I could be.
Now, though, it’s hard to remember who *I* am, outside of mom, army wife, and techie grunt. Perhaps it’s okay to put off The Great Next Thing until my husband retires from the army. I’ll be either 41 or 51 when that happens – plenty of time to get a degree in Information Science and become a librarian, right?
But where do I find meaning in the meantime? I don’t want to put pressure on my kids to give my life meaning. They’ll have their own lives to worry about.
Ugh. The hardest part of this is that you CAN choose to go through the motions without a plan, but for a thinker like you, that seems unthinkable.
Sadia´s last blog ..It gets different
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January 14th, 2010 @ 4:59 am
Everyone feels that way sometimes. Even the most ‘together’ people.
And whatever is bothering you is NOT insignificant. Even if it is an ant or the fact that your damn son refuses to pee inside the toilet OR lift up the seat and not five minutes ago, after having had a wonderful shower, I went to the loo and sat in pee and wanted to kick someone.
Phew. That feels better. Do that. It is good. {not the sitting in pee thing, the venting thing}
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January 30th, 2010 @ 10:29 pm
I’ve been mulling over this post for a few days now. I think it’s something that a lot of people struggle with… I know I do. But just because I look back and wonder, or even acknowledge, that yes, I made sacrifices and different choices because of Sheldon, that doesn’t mean that my life isn’t good.
I struggle with my seemingly “insignificant” problems. I mean really, on the grand scale of problems in the world, sometimes it feels like I should just sit down and shut up. Let me know if you figure it all out, heh.
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