My Baby Daddy
- June 22nd, 2009 6:18 pm
Today, I peed on a stick from Rite Aid. After the stick told me I wasn’t pregnant, I started chanting “HELL YEAH” very loudly while standing alone in my bathroom small but ugly tiled master bathroom.* I also jumped up and down and did a jig. Then I kept chanting Hell Yeah and did the dance that the Kool Aid man used to do when the Kool Aid commercials were actually good, and he would break through the walls of houses and tear shit down. That was my Kool Aid man.
Anyway.
I’m not really even sure why I thought that I was pregnant other than the fact that I am somewhat superstitious. You see, I sold a lot of Allie’s baby things/devices in a yard sale earlier this month. I wanted rid of them as they were just taking up half of my garage and storage. However, I just knew that if I sold them I would be magically pregnant the second I accepted the money. So when my period was late, I just decided that instead of a normally late period fate had intervened and given me a baby as punishment.** I was also super tired yesterday. Like pregnant tired, so I decided to test my fate.
But the Rite Aid sticks were negative, which was joyous, for me anyway. You see, the only positive pregnancy test that I’ve ever had was from Kmart. So I chose not to buy one there, as they tend to sell positive pregnancy tests.
Rite Aid alone was quite the experience since I did not want to excite Allie with the idea of of a brother or sister if she wasn’t going to have one. So I had to tell her I was buying a weird medication for adults in order for her to quit questioning the box in my hands. Not once did I tell her what I was purchasing. So it was a surprise when she spent the rest of the day pretending to be pregnant. Which I’m not, so hell yeah. AGAIN.
Back to Allie, she was walking around with a basketball shoved up her sundress and rubbing her belly. Then she got into an argument with Cannick*** her imaginary boyfriend. He is apparently now her imaginary babydaddy. But he’s gone all deadbeat on her, because all I could hear her say to him is this, ” I’M PREGNANT, and you DON’T! EVEN!CARE!” I guess Cannick decided to bail.
*I really hesitated to post my happiness at not being pregnant. Mostly because I feel like I should apologize for this happiness, because I currently know so many people that want to be pregnant. However, I am not one of them. I do not want to be pregnant. However, please know that if you currently want to be pregnant, I want you to be pregnant too. It’s just not for me right now. If you are somehow offended by my joy, I deeply apologize.
**I don’t think babies are punishment. I love babies. I just don’t want a baby right now or maybe ever in the future.
***Cannick has been her imaginary boyfriend for a running total of 6 months now. They break up sometimes. She made the name up, I’m sure.
****Has anyone noticed that I’ve kept my titles as songs since saying I was going to do so? Yes? Thank you. However, the post could have alternatively been called, “HELL YEAH, I’m not pregnant!”
June 22nd, 2009 @ 6:34 pm
Congrats…. on NOT being pregnant! Weird. But happy if your happy. And where does Allie come up with this stuff? You might want to cut off her Maury time….. LOL
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June 23rd, 2009 at 2:25 am
@Mrs. Kitty,
Oddly enough, I have her on a strict diet of Noggin. The only show she really watches outside of that is Gilmore Girls and My Name is Earl, but the girl has an outstanding imagination. haha.
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June 22nd, 2009 @ 6:41 pm
Lets be honest as women we spend a majority of our lives trying to not get pregnant. Nothing wrong with that.
LovingDanger´s last blog ..A Few Things
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June 23rd, 2009 at 2:25 am
@LovingDanger,
I could not agree more.
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June 22nd, 2009 @ 6:41 pm
yayayaya *supports and embraces your non-pregnant belly*
and i’m totally not offended, not even a little bit, that you’re happy you aren’t pregnant
that being said, i don’t want to get pregnant until next year, so maybe next year i’ll be mad
kay´s last blog ..Blue Green Layout
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June 22nd, 2009 @ 6:55 pm
I am superstitious too. A friend of mine sent me a bunch of her son’s baby clothes when I had Aaron and in that box there was one, lone piece of girl clothing. A pink bathing suit with a big daisy on it. I’m keeping for 2 reasons: 1) If I give it away now I’ll surely become pregnant and 2) I want a girl next time around.
Also, YES, I have noticed that you are keeping up with the music titles.
AND finally, the part about Kmart selling positive pregnancy tests is hilarious. I’m still laughing about it. I’ll have to remember that about Bartell’s here in Seattle!
Adriane´s last blog ..Father’s Day & Half Birthday!
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June 23rd, 2009 at 2:26 am
@Adriane,
Thank you.
Thank You, Adriane. I’ve been waiting for someone to appreciate my Kmart pregnancy test joke for the almost 5 years that I’ve been telling it. Seriously.
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June 22nd, 2009 @ 6:55 pm
I totally get it. I had something very similar last month, and I didn’t post about it specifically because of that. But I’m glad you did! Sing it – HELL YEAH!
Elisa´s last blog ..Everyone is a “don’t” sometimes. Or: the one where I was in such a hurry I left all my glamour at home.
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June 23rd, 2009 at 2:27 am
@Elisa,
Hell Yeah, Elisa. Hell Yeah!
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June 22nd, 2009 @ 8:43 pm
I don’t post about how often I have paranoia about being pregnant (and then how often I have a celebration that I’m not) because it would be every single goddamned month and people, I think, would really begin to think that I was very, very stupid and unaware of the recipe for babies. I love babies, mine specifically, but am SO GOOD on offspring at the moment. Seriously. All stocked up.
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June 23rd, 2009 at 2:29 am
@kdiddy,
me too. I’m usually never convinced I’m pregnant. However, I installed this goddamn iPhone application that helps me track my period (why, I have no fucking clue) or else I would probably not even have known that I was late, because I just sort of guestimate on a regular non-tracked basis. Which I realize makes me sound like an idiot, but yeah.
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June 22nd, 2009 @ 9:18 pm
I will fight to the death for everyone to get have whatever feelings they want. Not that we all get to DO what we want. But we get to feel if we want to. So congrats.
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June 23rd, 2009 at 2:29 am
@LPC,
Thank you!
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June 24th, 2009 at 10:46 am
@Shamelessly Sassy, You are more than welcome.
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June 22nd, 2009 @ 9:51 pm
Yay for not being preggo! I love it! And your apology was too cute.
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June 23rd, 2009 @ 6:18 am
Yay for not being pregnant! That Allie cracks me up. She should totally take Cannick on the Maury show.
dysfunctional mom´s last blog ..The Best Father I Know
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June 23rd, 2009 @ 7:22 am
I thought the Kmart thing was funny – and I’M not even a girl. Although it does seem as though I’ve become a mommy blogger. Quite by accident, mind you. It just worked out that way. Kinda like how you get pregnant, ya know?
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June 23rd, 2009 @ 8:58 am
First off I’m a (former) lurker. Now that we have that out of the way hahahaha.HAHAHA.hahahaha. Ok good. I may be new but trust me on this while having a child is a blessing there is no bigger blessing in the world then not being that blessed. Saints always have to suffer right?
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June 23rd, 2009 @ 9:17 am
Congratulations!!!! I, too, am happy I’m not pregnant! As for Pregnancy Tests….when I was pregnant with Logan, I went to Walgreens, Walmart, Kroger, and KMart. They all sold me Positive Tests. I was soooo floored. I then decided to go to the doctor to see if he could give me a negative test. No such luck. With Kylee, I just accepted it! LOL
Oh, and as for superstition….I still have ALL of my baby stuff. Cribs, Toddler Beds, Clothes….yeah. I’m terrified that the second I get rid of them, poof…magic baby. BTW, my kids are 5 & 6. LOL
As for your “pregnant” daughter with her dead beat boyfriend…that’s cute. My sister’s “boyfriend” when she was small was “Paco” and he lived in her closet. She was pregnant with twins twice……stupid Paco. Needless to say, Paco is thought of fondly in our family. LOL
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June 23rd, 2009 @ 10:27 am
Congrats; I totally get it.
Love the part about your daughter’s pregnancy. Maybe when she gets older, she’ll have pregnant Barbies like my daughter did. One can only hope.
Maureen at IslandRoar´s last blog ..The Ideal Man
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June 23rd, 2009 @ 10:37 am
I would SO be doing a dance as well if I were to ever have to take another pregnancy test and it was negative. Although just the fact that I would have to take another pregnancy test would probably give me an aneurysm.
Crystal´s last blog ..On a Positive Note
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June 23rd, 2009 @ 10:45 am
I’d be doing the saaaaame dance! I have a 5 month old and that is plenty for me right now!
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June 23rd, 2009 @ 11:27 am
Congrats on not being pregnant, how ironic is it that she was pretending to be pregnant!!
Courtney´s last blog ..Weekend Wrap-Up
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June 23rd, 2009 @ 12:08 pm
You must be going to a better Rite Aid than I do. My Rite Aid sells the positive ones.
After baby NUMBER FOUR, I decided to have my tubes tied. Yeah, it takes me a while to catch on… but I still caught myself being worried about being pregnant. I totally understand your Hell Yeah dance.
Sugar Jones´s last blog ..Violence Unsilenced
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June 23rd, 2009 @ 3:59 pm
i completely understand. i’m done having babies. and much as i am happy for those who want more, i’m excited to know that i’m finished..so congratulations!
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June 23rd, 2009 @ 6:12 pm
i was 100% positive that i was going to get, well, a positive pregnancy test the minute I got rid of all of my baby stuff. and even though I have an iud that SHOULD keep my unpregnant, I still took at least three pregnancy tests. because, you know, karma and all that.
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June 23rd, 2009 @ 10:31 pm
Moo had an imaginary friend, Pillak. It stemmed from her overhearing my mother call someone a pillock (idiot). My first thought is that perhaps Cannick is cannuck (how ever it is spelled) as in ‘you crazy cannuck’
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June 24th, 2009 @ 9:06 pm
I’d be doing back flips over a negative pregnancy test at this point in my life so HIGH FIVES ALL AROUND!
Cannick? That’s definitely an interesting name, it might be the new celeb baby name one day!
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June 25th, 2009 @ 10:55 am
I can TOTALLY understand you’re joy at a negative pregnancy test. Been there done that!
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June 25th, 2009 @ 10:46 pm
Well, I guess congratulations are in order!
Phew! I don’t want to be pregnant ever again, either. Nor to I want to be SCARED that I’m pregnant ever again…!
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June 26th, 2009 @ 7:43 am
Hey there. I will be checking up on your blog from now on, I just started blogging again myself and reading my own boringness only all the time would be… boring.
Congrats on no kid! I want a kid really badly but I am a pre-nursing student which = no kid.
You ever tried those dollar store laboratory pregnancy tests? LOL And they wonder why so many teens don’t get help!
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June 29th, 2009 @ 12:09 am
Amanda, you’re hilarious. I had no idea that women worried about being pregnant anywhere near as often as it now seems they do (after reading these comments). Oh, and you have some ridiculously good looking readers, not to mention that very attractive woman who looks back at you from any mirror you happen to look into.
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June 29th, 2009 @ 12:01 pm
I’m SO with you there! I’d have been doing the happy dance, too. Also like you, I feel for those who want to get pregnant and can’t/haven’t yet. I knocked two out within two years, one of them quite unexpectedly, and felt terrible for complaining when I knew ladies who would give anything for even one.
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June 29th, 2009 @ 9:45 pm
First of all, congrats on not being pregnant! I know exactly how you’re feeling and there’s nothing wrong with NOT wanting to be pregnant. What an entertaining and funny post – I love your blog!
BTW – I gave you a blog award over on mine:
http://www.motherhood-unscripted.com/?p=1837
Christy´s last blog ..You *guys*!
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June 30th, 2009 @ 5:50 pm
Note to self: NEVER buy pregnancy tests from Kmart.
Undomestic Diva´s last blog ..My bucket list
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July 1st, 2009 @ 6:29 am
It’s not weird to NOT want to be pregnant. Babies change EVERYTHING! I once had a false positive pregnancy test (i too thought was pregnant despite just having HAD a period because of a combination of bloating and fainting – hm), and the nurse said “oh maybe you’re just not very far along” with a huge grin. GAH.
BG
Billygean´s last blog ..Sunday – “in the slope of your shoulders which I’d presumed to understand and of which I knew nothing”
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July 4th, 2009 @ 7:43 am
I definitely would be doing that dance right there along with you, lol
midwest mommy´s last blog ..Did they escape?
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August 9th, 2009 @ 11:53 pm
I have been insanely tired lately, like weak in the knees. And I can fall asleep in about 2 seconds, which is sooo not the norm for me. So I peed on a stick, and whew. At the same time, I was soo disappointed. It’s not the right time for baby #2, but damn, I want another baby. Crazy, I know.
Also, I know Jonniker titles her posts with songs, and I love it! I have only done it once or twice..I wonder if it bugs her if others do it?
Danielle´s last blog ..A spot in the shade
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