Delightfully Dysfunctional Holidays
- December 19th, 2008 12:30 pm
My mother’s family is having their Christmas dinner this weekend. It should be an adventure. To say that my holidays are slightly dysfunctional really isn’t enough. Dysfunctional or not, they are quite hilarious.
To start off, my divorced parents of twenty years normally stay together during the holidays. My dad comes in and stay with my mom for few days. In the same house. While it is lovely that they get along, I’m sure you can see why it is slightly odd. Especially if you are a child of divorce. So that is the first thing: My dad shacks up with my mom. We all eat dinner together, even when my mom has a boyfriend. Us, my mom, my dad, my mom’s boyfriend. You name it. They’re there. If my dad had a girlfriend, she would probably come too.
Now, if my mother’s brothers choose to show up, you are adding additional, but exciting, fuel to the fire. Two of them are recently off of house arrest due to a little boot legging and a lot of liquor. Let’s call them Uncle #1 and Uncle #2.
Uncle #1 is older and has a girlfriend of 22 years that is highly dosed up on meds for schizophrenia and the like. One Christmas, she left and we found her the next day, four hours away in the parking lot of a Children’s hospital singing AC/DC songs and eating gummi worms.
I could not make this shit up.
With the freedom of having his house arrest anklet removed, Uncle #2 also chopped his mullet off. While it was freeing for him, I sort of miss it. I loved telling people I had an uncle with a mullet. A naturally curly mullet, at that.
Uncle #2 is a joy to have around. He walks around jokingly calling all of the older women hussies. He also calls them every day for a week leading up to the dinner asking if the food is ready yet. The conversation goes something like this, “HEY HUSSIE! Is the dinner finished yet?” Sometimes on holidays, he has someone walk in front of him with a boom box. He makes them hit play, and sure enough, he has put together a track of intro music, like that a wrestler may walk in to. As the track is playing and the music crescendos, he finally walks in offering autographs and acting like he is fending off a huge crowd. My mom usually plays along and asks him for an autograph. She’s an enabler like that sometimes.
At some point, my cousin that has a stupid nickname walks in. Let’s just say that his nickname is Penisface. Penisface walks in with all seven of his children. Their mother doesn’t come, because most of them have different mothers, and the year all his baby mama’s showed up, there was quite a brawl in my Aunt’s living room. By the time it was broken up, her floor was littered with long, lacquered fake nails and a few strands of hair that had once belonged to a bleached and teased coif. If it helps, you should know that up until recently, Penisface had a long rat tail.
I could go on for hours about this. Really, I could.
Usually my other Aunt also comes. She is a Lesbian and simply delightful. However, since Penisface’s kids are ridiculous, and they are the type that use the word ‘gay’ stupidly and as an insult. So as my Aunt is putting turkey on her plate, she has to listen to Penisface’s hoodrats scream that something is “so gay”. Eventually, Uncle #2 carries them outside and gives them a stern talking to about it, because heaven forbid Penisface actually be the one to discipline his own children.
Afterward, Uncle #2 usually comes in, calls my mom a hussie and gets some more turkey.
Are you still following along? Have I lost you yet? I could go on for hours.
Once again, I could not make this shit up.
All in all, the song below best sums up my holidays. But I still love them. The video below best sums up my holidays. It’s country, but if you listen to it, it fits quite well.
December 19th, 2008 @ 12:44 pm
Ours is pretty similar, just add in a bunch of animals. Penisface and ALL his kids cracks me up
Mariahs last blog post..I’ve been caught AGAIN!
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December 19th, 2008 @ 12:52 pm
Wow. That sounds like the most AWESOME Christmas ever. LMAO. And by awesome, I mean I’ve never heard anything like it.
My mom & dad are divorced too. But every year my dad & his wife come over for Christmas eve dinner with my mom and all & of her sisters. This year they participated in the Secret Santa too. I really hope my mom gets my stepmother. I can’t wait to see the gifts.
Lynettes last blog post..Yankee Swap. A pictorial.
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December 19th, 2008 @ 12:53 pm
Great song!
This post is stunning. I have to believe you cause like you said, who could make this shit UP?
Wow. Just WOW.
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritass last blog post..Shark Bites with a Side of Sugar
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December 19th, 2008 @ 12:55 pm
You know I think “Christmas Vacation” hits a chord with so many people because we can ALL relate to the disaster of a “Griswald Christmas” in some way! In 2006 we threw the 24 hour stomach flew into the mess of EVERYONE at mom’s for Xmas…that was a real joy.
Hugs,
Holly
Holly Schwendimans last blog post..Double Ouch!
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December 19th, 2008 @ 1:02 pm
Oh my gosh! Is this what I have to look forward to as the kids get older and start having kids???
That was hilarious! Real life is definitely better than anything that a writer can dream up!
Amys last blog post..and the insanity never ends….
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December 19th, 2008 @ 1:07 pm
I think the idea of the boom box and intro music might have to be incorporated into my own Christmas this year! Too funny!
derfinas last blog post..Seasonal Affective Disorder
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December 19th, 2008 @ 1:10 pm
I love this song. I’d forgotten about it. lol It’s perfect for this post.
Your family is hilarious. I love it.
Rheas last blog post..Sucked In
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December 19th, 2008 @ 1:14 pm
I have never heard that song before, but just downloaded it. Too funny.
If you could go on and on about your crazy family… you SHOULD! These are my favorite posts.
Mrs. Kittys last blog post..bravo, bravo
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December 19th, 2008 @ 1:19 pm
Oh my gosh! I thought my family was dysfunctional! Have fun!!
Jennys last blog post..White Christmas
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December 19th, 2008 @ 1:28 pm
You should totally send this into a tv company and suggest it as a sitcom. It would be awesome.
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December 19th, 2008 @ 1:59 pm
Can I come over for Christmas???
Also, that is like my FAVORITE Christmas song EVER. I blast it if I hear it while I’m in my car.
Jens last blog post..shrinking jeans report #3
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December 19th, 2008 @ 2:02 pm
Day-um. Your people make MY people seem ‘normal’.
lceels last blog post..The Storm on the News
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December 19th, 2008 @ 2:30 pm
WOW that is some holiday tradition! At first with the divorced dad coming home, I thought, Eh, I saw that on Everybody Loves Raymond last week. But the rest… No no, that’s all you. Congrats, and enjoy!
Kristans last blog post..Foto Friday: A nerd in all her glory
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December 19th, 2008 @ 3:08 pm
I just really want to come to Christams Dinner with you.
Rhis last blog post..Friday Bullets: Ice, Ice Baby Edition
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December 19th, 2008 @ 3:14 pm
How dare you call that dysfunctional.
That’s functioning hilarity.
Take pictures. Please. For all that is holy in blog land.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]s last blog post..Suppose the Toothbrush is a Potty Brush
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December 19th, 2008 @ 3:38 pm
Okay I can relate to some of that, thankfully not all of it. As a reminder I probably should go wash my dishes. ….
Funny stuff…
White Hot Magiks last blog post..Our Newest Family Member
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December 19th, 2008 @ 3:46 pm
Wow! I can’t top that although the boot-legging part is something that would have been an issue during Prohibition!
ReformingGeeks last blog post..Christmas Goodies and The Gong Show
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December 19th, 2008 @ 3:49 pm
The moment you said he wanted the boom box preceding him? I couldn’t stop thinking of Lloyd from Say Anything. I swear your family is just a slice of Americana that needs to be on tv.
Anglophile Football Fanatics last blog post..HollyDay: or adding that extra candle
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December 19th, 2008 @ 3:50 pm
dude. i want to hang out with uncle #2 please!!!!
and i think it’s hilarious that your parents stay together. on, dysfunctional families, live on!!!! *throws up the rock sign*
kalens last blog post..Movies I’ve Loved Lately
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December 19th, 2008 @ 4:02 pm
WHOA. Douchey cousin aside, that sounds like a pretty swell get together!
I usually have to work on both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day so I mercifully manage to avoid my in-laws who live right here in the ATL. My mother-in-law is GREAT. I’m wild about her and she’s so much fun to be around. HOWEVER, she’s part of a package deal that includes my sack of shit brother-in-law and her common law husband/boyfriend/freeloader who lives in her basement with a flock of parrots and cache of heavy narcotics for his “back pain”. Sigh.
I would obviously prefer to spend the holidays with my family in Texas where we just drink heavily and eat a lot of cream cheese.
Jennifers last blog post..What I Learned on the F Train
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December 19th, 2008 @ 4:09 pm
That was one of the biggest blessings of moving across the county. Our OWN Christmas.
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December 19th, 2008 @ 4:10 pm
My family is nowhere near as colorful. What great blog fodder you have there. Take notes and share all the good stuff when it’s all over, won’t you?
Kels last blog post..There’s a gift for me wrapped up in this post somewhere, right?
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December 19th, 2008 @ 4:27 pm
And that right there is why I boycott Christmas!
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December 19th, 2008 @ 4:42 pm
Wow, your family really puts the FUN in dysfunction, huh?! Sounds like fun though.
Ashlie- Mommycosms last blog post..The Total Transformation Program: Lesson 6: What to Do After Your Child Acts Out
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December 19th, 2008 @ 5:31 pm
Oh my, this sounds AWESOME. Truly. I think you have a screenplay in there somewhere…
Stephanies last blog post..I’m posting because she hasn’t…
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December 19th, 2008 @ 6:20 pm
LMAO! I would pay good money to join your family . . .
Honeybells last blog post..More About My Nutcake Neighbors
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December 19th, 2008 @ 9:19 pm
LOL!!! Well, they make for great blog material! I wish my family were more fun. They bore the shit out of me most of the time.
Scary Mommys last blog post..The Princess
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December 19th, 2008 @ 10:35 pm
Okay I just sent your post to my MOM. Why? Well, I sent it with a little note that said “Read this, Watch Vid. You will be loving our family afterwards”….actually in some wierd way I hope it helps get her into the Christmas spirit!
Hey is dinner ready yet, you Hussie?
The Glamorous Lifes last blog post..My Santa Fantasy…
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December 19th, 2008 @ 11:14 pm
okay – I’m not sure if this is a joke or not – but you really go (if it is not) Oh my, I don’t think I could take that! The reason why, those uncles are MINE!!!!!! As an adult – I can’t take it any longer! hee hee!!
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December 19th, 2008 @ 11:17 pm
ROTFLMBO! I almost spit my Diet Coke all over my keyboard! Take notes so you have a lot to share with us, okay?
Sounds like a great family…seriously, I could write a good bit too!
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December 20th, 2008 @ 5:45 am
I’m coming over to share your christmas, yeah?
Vic @ Glowstarss last blog post..Pay it Forward (Take 2)
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December 20th, 2008 @ 9:35 am
Gee my Christmas will be pretty dull by comparison!
Clares last blog post..Stocking Stuffers for Kids
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December 20th, 2008 @ 10:33 am
ROFLMAO “I’m dreaming of a white trash Christmas…” LOL
Midlife Mamas last blog post..Year in Review
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December 20th, 2008 @ 11:50 am
Excellent content here and a nice writing style too – keep up the great work!
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December 20th, 2008 @ 12:48 pm
Oh, to be a fly on the wall. With a teenie weenie camera. How hysterical this sounds! Please take notes and let us know how it goes down..
Susans last blog post..It’s A HO Down
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December 20th, 2008 @ 2:09 pm
Wow! My family is pretty dysfunctional, but I think you take the “dysfunctional family” award. Congratulations!!!!
dcokequeens last blog post..It’s the final countdown!
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December 20th, 2008 @ 3:50 pm
Love it!
My dad and uncle (”Bunka Bill” actual nickname) used to wreck havoc by intentionally setting out a bird suet ball with the hors d’oueveres and people would eat it, thinking it was a cheese ball. Or when my Grandma would try and play Christmas carols and have people sing alone, they’d always start up “WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?!?!?”
Christmas time + family = insanity for everyone, I think…
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December 21st, 2008 @ 2:48 am
Sounds like you’re having the Christmas everyone dreams of.
I have a friend who lovingly refers to her constantly plastered uncle as “drunkle”.
Fleas last blog post..Toffee!
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December 21st, 2008 @ 3:17 am
I just love that video and your family sounds delightfully entertaining!! I hope you guys have a very Happy Holiday! Take care – Kellan
Kellans last blog post..What Am I … A Clown?
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December 21st, 2008 @ 3:20 am
PS – This is story – your family – is the great basis for a fabulously funny book!
Kellans last blog post..What Am I … A Clown?
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December 21st, 2008 @ 10:32 am
??????? ??? ????????? ?? DRUGREVENUE ? ???????? ?????? ? 3000 ????????, ???????
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December 21st, 2008 @ 1:03 pm
Um…are we related?
Tammys last blog post..Funny, as in Ha-Ha?
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December 21st, 2008 @ 7:20 pm
Your Christmas days sound fun, can I come round and join in please. Apart from my partner’s ex coming round for Christmas evening where all is amicable, my day pales in comparison.
Sueblimelys last blog post..100+ Free Christmas Images and Blogging Gifts
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December 21st, 2008 @ 7:25 pm
I so want to be a part of your family!!! They sound like a HOOT!!! Take video!!!
Amys last blog post..Our Amazing Disney Cruise!!!
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December 21st, 2008 @ 10:55 pm
This has to be the funniest post I have read in a long time!!! Ours was VERY similar growing up. One Christmas my pot smoking step-Aunt put a hamster down the back of my pants. I was in the middle of the living room with everyone and could care less at the time. I had to get that hamster out before it gnawed my butt off.
Have a Merry Christmas and thanks for the laugh!!! I needed this.
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December 22nd, 2008 @ 2:53 am
Wow. Now MY Christmas is going to seem all BORING.
Annas last blog post..Possibly the Funniest Thing I’ve Ever Read:
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December 22nd, 2008 @ 10:07 am
I thought that stuff like this was only legend. I cannot believe that this is your life. I hate to laugh but this is the funniest ish I have ever read about hholiday gatherings!
Renée aka Mekhismoms last blog post..Saturday Musings
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December 22nd, 2008 @ 10:08 am
No video for me at work but you know what.. my family suddenly sounds reasonable and sane. So thank you for that!
WickedStepMoms last blog post..Voices That Carry
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December 22nd, 2008 @ 11:25 am
This should be the next Vince Vaughn Christmas movie.
Gibbys last blog post..Secret Santa
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December 23rd, 2008 @ 4:20 am
I was not aware that my husband’s ex was dating your Uncle #1. But it doesn’t surprise me!
Happy Holidays!
dysfunctional moms last blog post..FFFF ~ Ladybug’s Birthday
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December 23rd, 2008 @ 3:16 pm
Now i have a worthy goal … my job this year is to dissect my family and all of its dysfunctional glory. Oh, there is some – oh yes there is … probably LOTS …
I have to take notes … tomorrow night I’m all into people watching (err Crazy watching) cause there is so much going on.
Melissa from Pittsburghs last blog post..Doing Nothing All Day
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December 23rd, 2008 @ 3:30 pm
Sounds so much like my family! I mean, all of it. Only thing is, a few years ago we all split away from the home town – we’re so dysfunctional we can’t even get together for Christmas anymore!
But ooh I remember when we did. Good times (and scary times when tempers flare!)
Merry Christmas!!
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December 23rd, 2008 @ 10:00 pm
Jesus, I’m pretty for sure we are related. I like to say I could handle one brand of dysfunctional, but my family likes to throw a garden variety atcha. Sounds like you know what I mean, right?!?
shondas last blog post..Have A Corporate, Corporate Christmas
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December 24th, 2008 @ 11:04 am
We’re totally staying home this year instead of dealing with the dysFUNctional, and I couldn’t be more excited. Wooohooo!
Merry Christmas!
Burgh Babys last blog post..Mrs. Goodbee is Homeless
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December 27th, 2008 @ 3:37 pm
I can soooo realte to your family believe me go take a read on my blog!
) Added to favs
Love Your site
Queen of Planet HotFlashs last blog post..Night One Day ONE Fun Fun FUN
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