Mental Breakdown
- September 11th, 2008 8:11 pm
Right now, I am almost positive that the only cells working correctly in my brain are colliding in a haphazard game of extreme bumper cars. The truth is I think that my brain recently exploded due to a crossroads I’ve met about what I am going to do with my life. Having such a meeting with time and space is particularly awesome when you are 13 weeks away from finishing a degree that will enable you to pursue what you always thought you wanted to do.
Do you like how I use the word ‘you’ when I’m actually talking about myself?
You see, I opened up wordpress to write today, because while I have somewhere around 49 posts in draft, I still like to leave a short update type post up on my blog for the weekend. I mean, I know that no one (besides maybe me) reads blogs on the weekends, but I still don’t like for mine to feel vacant. When I finally hit the ‘Write’ tab, I realized I really had nothing to write about. Which is weird, because between you and me, when I have my *emo writing music blaring, I can usually think of something to write. Even if it is stupid and involves tampons, condoms, underwear, or whatever else really isn’t on my mind.
There’s been a lot bumping around in my noggin.
Truthfully, a large part of the problem is that any decisions I make for myself ultimately impacts the future of my family, not just myself. I often wonder what it is like to be one of those people that make a decision about only their own future, not the future of their husband and child(ren). Not that I resent those people, I just wonder what that would be like. Even if the decision is something as simple as what you are having for dinner.
Anyway, I think I’ve been sitting at a four way crossing waiting for a signal, some sort of sign that would show me the correct way to go for some time now. For instance, if at said mental four way crossing, a homeless man flashed me while standing next to one of the one way streets, I would know not to follow it. Theoretically speaking, of course.
In most situations, I am quite confident. You could bottle up my confidence and sell it to preteen girls, because I am generally okay with me. However, it seems that when I’m sitting in this particular train of thought. The thought that involves my future, the confidence seems to bottom out.
The fact that I got back reasonably high MCAT scores and could only think about how badly I wanted to go write something is tainted with poetic justice. I had even forgotten to check my scores until recently. But when I did check them, all I could think about how I had just gotten the most brilliant brainstorm about a character and their notions and drive instead of how proud of myself I was that all of my studies seemed to pay off. It is raising lots of stink in my brainscaping.
I think the truth is that I would be perfectly happy spending my days writing. I’m just not sure if it would really go anywhere. Regardless, it is something I love to do whether it goes anywhere or not. I’ve always kept a diary or some sort of journal filled with character sketches or short stories. It just wasn’t ever something I thought I could do well. It’s still not anything I’m sure that I do well. I just know that I like doing it. Should I decide that I’d like to attempt to write (un)professionally, I will need to spend a lot of time righting my wrongs on comma usage. heh.
The fact is: enjoying something and being passionate about it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are good at it. One example of this is some of the people on the American Idol tryouts. Bear with me, now. The ones that try out under the notion that they can really sing, and you can tell they enjoy it. But, when you hear them belt out whatever tune it is, their voice actually just sounds like a cat is being raped. Well, that’s what I’m worried about. Following a particular path, when in reality, the result I produce sounds/looks like a hypothetical cat raping.
When it comes to the whole medical fiasco, I know that I’ve put a lot of time and research into memorizing various systems of the body and their function in detail. I have a mental file cabinet filled with information about infectious diseases in my brain. I put myself through endless biology and chemistry classes/labs. With all that in mind, I realize that being a physician is not a career you can just jump into and hope that all of your past work pays off. It’s something you have to KNOW you want to do. You can’t go to med school for a few years then decide to blow it off. It’s too expensive for that sort of malarkey.
All that said, my brain still feels as if I put it in a blender. Mostly because in comparison to a lot of people, my problems are minimal. Maybe I am not sure about my future, but I own a nice home. A few homes. My husband and I are fine financially. Most of my life, I have been able to attain most any reasonable thing I’ve wanted. I work hard, and I play hard.
I have truly been blessed.
Still, I write paragraphs full of complaints while children in foreign countries (and this one) are sleeping on the ground and aren’t sure where to find their next meal. I walk down the street freely, and I say what I want, when I want while so many women in the world are not given that opportunity. That most definitely puts life into perspective for me.
So maybe I am freaking out mentally, maybe I will be for a little while. But in the grand scheme of things, I’m doing just fine. How are you?
*If you are wondering, I listen to a lot of FM Static when I am writing. When I am having a brain dump sort of day, I listen to ‘Tonight’. I also listen to a lot of Muse, Saving Jane, and random 80’s ballods. Not that you were wondering or anything.
September 11th, 2008 @ 8:34 pm
“Truthfully, a large part of the problem is that any decisions I make for myself ultimately impacts the future of my family, not just myself. ”
I’m in this exact same place right now. I have that draft in my folder too.
Rees last blog post..Seven Years Ago
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September 11th, 2008 @ 8:51 pm
let’s be clear here: Your writing is definitely NOT like a cat raping
Seriously though, I can relate. I spent 4 yrs working towards a bio degree, and worked for 4 more yrs in the field before realizing it wasn’t ‘IT’ for me. And now I’m a web designer. And because I have no formal training any of this designing or coding or programming, I CONSTANTLY question my abilities and whether or not I’m ‘good enough’ to do it. Now, I know I’m not The Best at it, and most of the time that’s okay. But the insecurity is there for sure. But I love doing it so most of the time that’s enough.
I don’t have any real advice for you, other than to tell you that it’s totally normal to be freaking out at these crossroads- I’ve been there!! Sophomore year of college I almost switched majors (to computers! ha) but I had already worked almost 2 yrs towards bio and didn’t want to start over again… so I powered through and finished. It didn’t necessarily pay off the way I thought it would, but that would make life boring, now wouldn’t it?
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September 11th, 2008 @ 9:05 pm
One of the hardest decisions I have ever made in my life was not going to medical school. I had all the classes, took the MCAT (did well enough to get in) filled out all the applications, and then just had a breakdown. I knew I could do it, but did I actually WANT to do it. I had been diagnosed with endo, and knew how important a family was to me. I knew that how much harder med shcool would be if I were pregnant. I knew they hours, the dedication it takes, and I just decided if I was completely honest with myself, that I didn’t want to do it. I ended up with a BS in bio, and found a job that I adore. Not that that is waht is right for you, but it was right for me. Whatever you end up doing, I am srue you will make the right decision!
Sarahs last blog post..Quick Update
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September 11th, 2008 @ 9:06 pm
I am so sorry your brain hurts ;(
I hope you feel better soon;)
I am feeling stress over a HUGE job interveiw tomorrow and I can’t find my suit;)
Peace out!
Heidi C
Adventure girl wanna bes last blog post..In Remembrance of September 11th…………
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September 11th, 2008 @ 9:08 pm
I spent 2 plus years completing all my pre-req course to get into the nursing program. I love science. Then I realized that I really didn’t want to wipe asses. So, I changed majors. For the umpteen bagillion time. I ended up getting my degree in Psych.
You questioning things is normal.
…and things don’t get easier as you get older I’m sorry to report. I still struggle with this crap and I ‘ve got several (OK a lot) of years on you.
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September 11th, 2008 @ 9:08 pm
I have to say that I never think when I read your blog that you are trying to do something that you shouldn’t be doing. You are pretty damn good at this writing thing. No matter how short or how “out there” your posts are they are something that makes me want to come back and read some more. I think we all get to that point in our life and wonder if it is all worth it. What are we doing this all for. I think that if you didn’t freak out at the crossroads that it would be odd.
Okay hubby called and I have no clue where I was going with all of that. Ugh! If you need an ear we are here for you!!
Heather~Domestic Extraordinaires last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
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September 11th, 2008 @ 9:20 pm
I chose the life I’m living and love every single minute of it. And yet I’m incredibly stressed on any given day and sometimes think that being anything but a SAHM would be so much easier. We all get to that point on the verge of the mental cliff and wonder what on earth we’ve done to ourselves. But if it’s any consolation – I love your writing.
Karens last blog post..Meet Dr. Idiot
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September 11th, 2008 @ 9:29 pm
Sorry you are having a rough time of it. It sucks when you have to take others in to consideration when making a big decision. That is the life of a wife and mother, sorry to say. Good luck with what ever you decide and know your writing is great!
justmylifes last blog post..Two post in one……
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September 11th, 2008 @ 9:33 pm
Well not that you care but I personally think that Doctor’s are like Super Hero’s if you ask me how many lives I’ve saved this month I would respond with a very confused none but if you ask a Doctor that same question there’s a pretty good chance the number will be higher than 3 and to me that is REALLY FUCKING COOL!
I would love to be a nurse or Doctor or something with meaning but I’m really just too lazy/ I have plans to have like 6 kids (and I’m not even mormon) so I’m really not going to have time for all that Med school jazz…
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September 11th, 2008 @ 9:41 pm
You seem like the perfect candidate to go to a foreign country and do some mission work. Even if it’s just short-term, even if it’s not as a medical person. You could clear your head of all that’s swirling around here and get refocused on what is really important.
Think about it.
Texan Mamas last blog post..Stuff I Don’t Get – Again
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September 11th, 2008 @ 9:41 pm
I’ve been sitting here, paralyzed with pretty much the EXACT same choice you are dealing with, for almost three years now.
Write professionally, or med school.
I still don’t know. I hope you find more clarity than I have.
Redneck Mommys last blog post..I Suck
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September 11th, 2008 @ 10:06 pm
My brain is so dead, I can’t even concentrate on what you wrote.
Soooo… I’ll just say CONGRATS on your MCAT scores!!!!
And pass along some smooches.
A Whole Lot of Nothings last blog post..Wordless 9.1.8: SeaWorld for Labor Day
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September 11th, 2008 @ 10:26 pm
Tough question to answer. I think we all get there sometimes, what am I doing? How will it affect those I love? Is this what I want?
I think Texan Mama had a good idea, maybe giving some time to someone else for a while will help clear your head.
Personally I love writing and can’t imagine life without it, I also love singing, but I doubt I will ever to try to make either my career, then I wouldn’t love them so much.
White Hot Magiks last blog post..Fright Night
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September 11th, 2008 @ 10:32 pm
My immediate thought is: GET AN ENGLISH LITERATURE/CREATIVE WRITING DEGREE!!!! Plz, for the love of GOD!!!
Then I remember we are both in our twenties, and we both have kids that depend on us.
And I think, well, maybe you could take some classes on the weekend or at night — even “learning annex” type extension courses. (Do you have those in KY??)
But the reality of Med School and then Residency isn’t going to lend itself to much else outside of it and your limited time with your family.
Amanda, you have so much natural talent and SO MUCH potential. Getting my degree in English Literature was the best thing to happen to my writing. It also taught me that I would have liked to have spent more time in Creative Writing classes, or even gotten my degree in Creative Writing.
I really believe in you and your writing, but making a career out of writing is very difficult to do. The possibility of struggle combined with the pressure to provide for your family may prove too much for you to follow your true passion.
This is a really, really tough crossroads. I truly do feel your pain.
Whatever your choice, you still have this blog as an outlet to practice your passion.
Thinking of you and sending big hugs.
(As for my, I’m afraid I’m PMS’ing. So, GREAT!!)(heh)
VDogs last blog post..I Love the 80’s
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September 11th, 2008 @ 11:25 pm
Please, for the love of God, keep writing short stories. Even if you continue on with your medical education, you MUST keep writing. You have serious talent with writing….talent I wish I knew how to grasp (communication is a weak point for me, I am an engineer).
Even if writing isn’t paying the bills right now, I am sure it will some day. You can use your medical degree as a back up plan LOL. Like you would go to school for that long and just stop. It’s tough for me to say though, I don’t have any kids.
I know your path in life will become clear to you soon.
Leslies last blog post..Amy’s Adventure
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September 11th, 2008 @ 11:35 pm
I love fm static!
darcis last blog post..A little progress
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September 12th, 2008 @ 1:49 am
Double S,
I know exactly how you feel. You need quiet.
Writer Dads last blog post..Deja Vu
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September 12th, 2008 @ 2:47 am
Is ‘cat raping’ on par with ’screwing the pooch’?
.
I’m gonna second WD and agree that I think you are a great writer.
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September 12th, 2008 @ 5:16 am
I understand where you’re coming from about the impact your actions have on your family. It seems that so many of the dreams of both my husband and myself, whether they are mine alone or ours, will have an impact on someone else and those dreams are pushed aside for another day so as not to impact on another person. There are times when I wish I was free of that responsibility towards others so I could follow those dreams. But, then I realise, that life wouldn’t be the same without those people I’m responsible for, and maybe putting those dreams on the backburner for the moment is ok.
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September 12th, 2008 @ 7:46 am
Interesting. I think we all reach a cross-roads of sort in our life when we find that we are about to end something that we’ve been working towards. For me, there is just something about the finality of finally getting what I’ve been wanting all this time that makes me contemplate ‘if I really wanted it and am I going to use it?’ I know it’s difficult to not only make decisions for yourself, but that will also impact the life of your family. It’s ok – we all face this crossroad and eventually, you will see your ’sign’ and know which path to take.
For the record though, your writing isn’t like a cat raping, it’s much more entertaining (but the former really isn’t my style!) hehe
Hope you have a great Friday!
~K
kels last blog post..Forever Changed
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September 12th, 2008 @ 9:41 am
Maybe your future needs to involve BOTH medicine and writing. And it’s funny – my post today is about music and writing. Great minds?
lceels last blog post..Vegas – The Kid – Part 8
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September 12th, 2008 @ 9:51 am
I guess I’d say I’m doing fine as well. Not own “a few homes” fine – more like “thank god for credit cards becuse in a few months I’m going to have to buy twice as many diapers” fine. But I’m okay with that.
You’ll figure it out. your MCAT scores will keep for a while until you do.
jennis last blog post..Phobia Friday: The Corn Refiners Association
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September 12th, 2008 @ 9:58 am
I don’t know what you should do, but I would think that you would really KNOW it if you wanted to be a doctor.
Jenn @ Juggling Lifes last blog post..In Which Danger Boy Gains A Following
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September 12th, 2008 @ 11:18 am
Hang in there. Yes, periods of doubt and indecision come back over and over again in life. It is difficult to know whether to “bloom where planted” or to pursue a dream. Sometimes acceptance comes into play. Accepting what we can’t really change, moving on. Then we find that the circumstances work themselves out.
ReformingGeeks last blog post..Frugal gardening will rock you
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September 12th, 2008 @ 1:07 pm
Oh hang in there. If it makes you feel better I Don’t think I have felt my brain work in the last 11 months…. but whats odd is that my daughter is exactly 11 months? Do you think thats linked?
Motherhood For Dummiess last blog post..Cute Baby Shoes
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September 12th, 2008 @ 1:33 pm
The great thing about writing is that it doesn’t have to be either/or. It’s something you can just do, whenever, without formal training, no matter what your day job is.
Of course that still doesn’t mean that being a doctor is necessarily the right thing for you to do. But it’s food for thought.
Jesss last blog post..Honeymoon books
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September 12th, 2008 @ 4:38 pm
Well, my situation is slightly like yours.
I’m in my fourth year earning a degree in film/tv production. Because the plan was always that I’d live in new york and have plenty of opportunities to work my way up in the biz.
Then I met Josh and realized I’d rather have a family and stay back in Kentucky, where there is virtually no market for filmmaking. So now I don’t know what to do. I’m finishing my degree… I’m just not really optimistic about actually using it. I hate to feel like I wasted so much money and time on something I won’t use again.
Michelles last blog post..My ego is swelling
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September 12th, 2008 @ 5:41 pm
You are waaaay too hard on yourself.
Most of us, are waaaay too hard on ourselves.
If you have the option of doing what you love; do it.
Undomestic Divas last blog post..To the point
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September 12th, 2008 @ 5:58 pm
I think what you are experiencing in your mental thought meanderings is completely normal and natural. I love to come visit you regardless of your topic. Follow your heart. If you want to stay in the medical field, go for it. There are plenty of avenues there for you to pursue. I love blogging and the medium it is for giving ourselves an outlet for our thoughts, dreams and aspirations. I think with your AOL gig you could totally do stuff like that on a PT basis and still be happy. GL to you, A.
*I was totally interested in your music choice. Love music!
Siobhans last blog post..T13: Randomiser
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September 13th, 2008 @ 12:13 am
I have read through the comments and I noticed something missing… I don’t think anyone has touched on the idea that maybe your apprehensiveness comes from fear. What if I pursue my dream and I fail? I’m not saying you would… you are a FANTASTIC writer…. but just because we’re good doesn’t mean that we succeed in a commercial way. Like, for instance, if you wrote for a not-for-profit publication, you’d be published but not earning squat. Or if you became a Doctor for the Peace Corps or someone else in Africa or Haiti or Thailand, you’d be earning next to nothing but you’d be doing a HUGE benefit and actually saving more lives (I’m guessing) than if you stayed in America.
However, personal interests aside, fear also comes from considering what our choices mean to those around us. If you follow your dream, do you do so at the expense of your family? We all face this question. I think you need to see if your family is supportive. I think you need to consider if by putting your dreams on the shelf for a while it will allow someone else (your husband? Your daughter?) to follow their dreams. Being a grown-up sucks sometimes. It is full of very inconvenient sacrifices. It is also full of readjusted dreams. You’ll notice I did not say “unfulfilled” because I believe, by being a family and supporting each other, our dreams change and are more selfless than selfish. As a single, our dreams/aspirations exist only to serve ourselves. As a wife & mom, our dreams start to include our husbands and our kids. Not that we lose our original dreams, but they are just tweaked a little. If you really truly aspire to follow your heart, you will be blessed to have a family who is behind you. Sometimes, personal achievements make a woman more whole, emotionally stronger, and also serves as a great model of personal accomplishment for sweet young red-haired 3-year-old daughters.
Texan Mamas last blog post..A Riddle
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September 13th, 2008 @ 3:22 pm
Maybe we should not expect perfection in our lives, and understand that clarity is only a momentary thing, and that our lives change and so “decisions” are always temporary, since they correspond to the moment they were made.
Writing is one of those things that can be part of a sandwich; who wants a bread sandwich? I don’t know about you, but I like a lot of things on my sandwich: there’s the spread, the relish, the meat, the cheese, the lettuce, the tomato, and the pickles, at least. That’s a sandwich to enjoy. And the life that created such a sandwich is one to be relished and shared.
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September 13th, 2008 @ 11:04 pm
I can relate. I am a nurse and it pays bills. But I’d rather spend my days writing. But I need the money, after all I do have a mortgage. And more braces to pay for. And soccer. And field trips. And clothes. And health insurance.
But I love writing….
lisas last blog post..News….
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September 13th, 2008 @ 11:51 pm
j.d. salinger wrote because he loved it & had to do it and he didn’t give a shit about what other people thought, had horrible grammar (and comma usage) and wrote one book that changed millions of people and financially allowed him to do whatever he wanted to do for the rest of his life.
you know, i agree that loving something doesn’t make you good at it, but the thing about writing is – you can always try it and if it doesn’t work, you can move on. or you can keep writing and try to reach someone eventually.
i don’t want to say, “you can do it,” and “you’re an awesome writer,” because it’s all been said. i will tell you one thing though… it really would pain me if you were a doctor one day and every second while you were writing patient charts you daydreamed that you were writing short stories or poems or novels… what a lonely place that would be.
if you are financially stable, do what you WANT to do… please. so few people do that.
kalens last blog post..Some things I learned today
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September 14th, 2008 @ 3:41 am
Not sure if you have or not but you might consider talking to an adviser, one that knows about how the system of med school application works. If you knew taking some time to pursue your dream of writing would not be detrimental if you ended up choosing to go to med school that is an option you could consider. And as others have said, even if you do go to med school and become a doctor it does not mean you have to give up on writing (which you are good at).
I was scared before grad school and now while I am in grad school to get involved with anyone. When I get my degree I want to be able to move back to Chicago to be by my family, or if I can’t find a job there then move to one of the other regions I have family. I like the idea of being “settled” before pursuing a relationship. Situations like yours kind of hammers that concept home for me. Though at the same time being alone with 350 miles between me and almost all my loved ones has its disadvantages.
Best of luck!
Karen
The Microblogologists last blog post..Hilarious or Evil? You Decide!
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September 14th, 2008 @ 1:40 pm
Are you going to regret it if you don’t go for it?
I’ve wanted to be a doctor for a long time…but getting married really young and having babies young sidetracked me. Now I don’t know whether to go for it or not. I find myself wondering similarly to you…
And it comes back to the question I posed above. Will I regret it?
Rheas last blog post..Sunday Somethings
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September 14th, 2008 @ 8:51 pm
I hate when you hit the cross roads. Good luck with whichever decision you choose to make.
Anglophile Football Fanatics last blog post..The Name’s the Game!
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September 15th, 2008 @ 1:44 am
i’m at the same crossroads as you. i’ve put two years in school now (plus two that transferred before that) and now i have to list a “secular” major, under Radiology. I’ll have my AS in June, but I’m going for my BA, and i have to have ANOTHER major?! nuclear medicine?! GAH.
there are so many choices and decisions.
i’ve been making pros & cons lists, and talking to my other half quite a bit.
good luck in your decision, babe!
And I have something special for you at my blog!
Go, hurry!
heathers last blog post..The Bucket List
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September 15th, 2008 @ 2:37 am
Just wanted to pop in and let you know that I’ve been saying a little prayer for you these past few days. I really hope it all works out for the best for you- and that your dreams really do come true in the end. It’s so hard to see where to go when you’re in the middle of it!
Adrenalynns last blog post..This is the last time, I promise!
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September 15th, 2008 @ 9:21 am
I just wanted you to know that I’ve always enjoyed reading you. Be grateful, relax, it’s all good. You are making many people smile and consider their own lives. That’s more than good enough.
Tom Volkar / Delightful Works last blog post..Finding Your Business Sweet Spot
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September 17th, 2008 @ 2:12 am
You ARE doing just fine.
More than that. Maybe now’s a good time to tell you how much I love your blog… cat raping and all.
niks last blog post..So glaaaaaahmorous, dahhhlink!
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November 11th, 2009 @ 2:08 pm
refundable covering accepting nonetheless ngpg deleted attend pedagogic evidence disseminate investigator
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