Waxing and Waning Emotional Mother
- August 6th, 2008 12:17 am
Motherhood wasn’t something I latched onto easily. Some people take it and run with it like that it’s a shiny new kite they’ve always known how to fly. But not I. For the longest time, it felt awkward to me. In turn, I felt guilty about how awkward I felt as a mother. The awkward, guilty, awkward cycle was enough confuse anyone. So I shook it off.
However, at some point, I started to feel like I actually knew what I was doing. Sure my best friends were gallivanting in foreign countries drinking exotic wine, sleeping in, and basking in other opportunities I would have had sans baby, but I was teaching a kid to walk, talk, and call her dad funny names like ‘boobhead’. With every milestone that Allie accomplished I felt as if this whole mother gig was slowly being solidified in my head.
That said, Allie has a preschool screening tomorrow (Wednesday). She starts ‘gymnaskits’ Thursday. And I’ve been waxing and waning emotional mother all day, all week. More steps all in the same week.
Maybe it’s PMS, maybe it’s the realization that she is growing up, or maybe it’s my astonishment at the fact that she has made it this far all in one piece- ONE PIECE, I tell you- but I am amazed. It’s ethereal, really.
When you have a newborn baby, it seems that people are shoving advice to you by the boatload. It’s coming from all directions, and neither ducking nor swerving to avoid it proves to be successful. They will hurl it at you in legions. If you’re me, you smiled politely, rolled your eyes, and went with your own thoughts, because you don’t trust people with poofy bangs.
(Why are poofy banged people always trying to give out advice anyway?)
Truthfully, the one piece of advice I listened to unintentionally was the whole, ‘enjoy every day, they grow up so fast’ rigmarole. Because it turns out, it wasn’t rigmarole. They really do grow so fast. I remember hearing that when when Allie was crying for hours and thinking to myself, ‘whatever, I can’t wait for this bee ess to be over’. But it’s true. She really has grown up so fast, and sometimes when I’m feeling really crazy I even miss her tiny baby cry.
Now, I find myself taking mental pictures of her more often. Trying to etch every detail about her at age three into the crevices of my memory: the way her red hair curls so tightly after baths, the way her voice sounds when she’s giggling ridiculously hard, and the way she lays her head on my lap as if pillows were nonexistent. I look back at her first year and while I remember a lot, I’m sure there are tiny details I’ve forgotten.
Truthfully, I don’t want to forget details about Allie at three. I don’t want to forget anything about her at all, but particularly not at three. I hope I always remember that at age three, Allie called deodorant ‘dode-rants’, and that she always conned me into letting her wear some. We’ll see if she gets to sneak some on for her screening tomorrow morning or her first ‘gymnaskits’ class on Thursday. I just wish it was all on film that at any given time I could rewind back to watch it all unfold.
August 6th, 2008 @ 12:21 am
But you can. Right here.
Beautifully written. I had the same emotions when I became a mother. My son is 7 now and even if he can drive me NUTS, its those “moments” that I try to hold on to.
Misss last blog post..It’s What We Deserve…
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August 6th, 2008 @ 12:24 am
*Sniff* Get out of my head. Seriously.
Great post, honey. It’s spot-on.
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August 6th, 2008 @ 12:27 am
I have no words. You did that/said that so well.
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August 6th, 2008 @ 12:28 am
Can you believe just HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE LEFT IN THE WORLD WITH POOFY BANGS?!
(Or, as I like to call it, “The Claw”)
Seriously…It’s just sad.
Loralees last blog post..Sideblog: The thing that sounds “Yum”
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August 6th, 2008 @ 12:35 am
True that! So true. Mine is only 20 months old but I already feel that way. Sometimes I look at her baby pictures and miss that chubby baby so much! But it is so much fun once they start walking and engaging with you. Now if she would just tell me what she wants instead of screaming in frustration…
I’m sure you guys will do great at the interview
Florencias last blog post..H&M Canada discriminates against nursing moms
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August 6th, 2008 @ 12:38 am
You’re already well ahead of the curve. You write. That means you’re way less likely to forget. But the best thing you could do, and I promise you this, is talk to her. Just talk endlessly. Talk above her head and watch her try to catch the words like bubbles in the air. In a few years, she’ll start a sentence with the words, “Mommy, remember when I was three….” and you will cry. I do. All the time.
Writer Dads last blog post..One World, One Dream
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August 6th, 2008 @ 12:41 am
mmm don’t you just want to gobble them up? When mine were younger and I had so much trouble dealing on a daily basis (my 3rd was born a month after my 1st turned 3 years old) people kept telling me, “just wait. YOu’ll blink and they’ll be grown up.” I said, “If I blink faster can we get the growing up done with already?” Now of course, it’s happening and I want to keep my eyes open – NO blinking at all!!!
Texan Mamas last blog post..Blogging 201
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August 6th, 2008 @ 12:51 am
I always feel even more connection with your posts because of your daughter’s red, curly hair like my Muirnes….You are so right on in this post. I need time to stand still when it comes to my precious experiments.
KD @ A Bit Squirrellys last blog post..Karate Chopping the Wizard of Oz in the Nova
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August 6th, 2008 @ 1:00 am
This post gets me “right there.” J turns one in four days.
I haven’t been quite myself for the last week. Maybe two. On top of that he decided he would start walking.
I’m logical, practical and level-headed. But right now . . . I’m a bit of a mess.
BUT, that advice . . . I took it to heart. So, while I am taking big deep breaths with each passing minute, I am grateful for taking in each and every single moment.
Until I find the PAUSE or REWIND button, I’ll just keep drinking in the moments . . .
Awesome post.
LaskiGals last blog post..Seven days . . .
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August 6th, 2008 @ 1:14 am
There you go once again breaking my heart with the promise of the future! Although I could use a little more sleep!
Loving Dangers last blog post..Your Nerd
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August 6th, 2008 @ 2:10 am
I just posted a picture of my oldest daughter yesterday taken exactly three years ago to the day and could NOT BELIEVE how much she has grown up. Hold on to this time. I know it sounds damn cliche but it flies by. WAAAAAH.
Jamies last blog post..Three Years Ago Today
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August 6th, 2008 @ 2:39 am
I’m cracking up at ‘puffy bangs’. And I used to have puffy bangs!
Lovely post.
dysfunctional moms last blog post..Wordless Wednesday – Hope
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August 6th, 2008 @ 5:20 am
Every now and then I look at my girls and go WOAH!!! Slow down!!! They are both taller than me now. Moo is talking about university in 2 years.
Where did my babies go?
You will remember, because you are actively trying to. Me, I was just trying to live through it. Dammit.
I have been where you are, and you will be where I am. And I am telling you that being a young mum of teens is pretty freaking awesome. But shhhhh, don’t tell my girls that K?
Kelleys last blog post..Don’t breathe on me.
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August 6th, 2008 @ 7:37 am
Cool. Just cool. So many just go along without being able to pay enough attention. There’s just so many distractions that get in the way, for some, and then they look back at some point and say where did it all go? Value every minute, every hour, every day. Soon enough they are going to seem to fly by so fast that you can’t keep up. But dig in and hang on to every minute you can. In the end, that’s all there will be – is memories. So stock up now.
lceels last blog post..Wordy Wednesday
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August 6th, 2008 @ 7:48 am
*sniff*
I feel the same way. It is totally true… they grow up way to fast. Enjoy the gymnastics class, she will love it I am sure.
OHmommys last blog post..The Anniversary: a bit of TMI
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August 6th, 2008 @ 8:20 am
so true, so true…I think the same thing every time I look at my almost 4 year old. Where does the time go?
supermommys last blog post..Too much fun at the water park
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August 6th, 2008 @ 8:27 am
It does go fast, BUT each stage is fantastic. I didn’t believe that when my firstborn was a baby. She’s a teen now and it’s still fun watching her navigate life. That’s one you can trust me on
Cautions last blog post..So Much Better When It’s YOUR B-day
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August 6th, 2008 @ 8:30 am
Why!? Why do you have to make me mushy??
Great post.
sunshines last blog post..THIS is exactly why I *heart* Jeff Lewis
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August 6th, 2008 @ 9:23 am
My kids had their first day of school this morning and I cried for 15 minutes because they’re all growin’ up on me and stuff.
I hate it.
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August 6th, 2008 @ 9:30 am
I feel the same way about all my kids, but you are ahead of the game by realizing NOW that the time will go by too fast. It took me Kid #3 to learn that, and I wish I had paid more attnetion to the day to day stuff of the older kids.
Koris last blog post..Criminals on the Loose
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August 6th, 2008 @ 9:37 am
What an absolutely beautiful and well written post. Just lovely. Thank you!
Kathryns last blog post..WW- Fishing Buddies
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August 6th, 2008 @ 10:08 am
Wow, it’s words like these are what puts me on the fence regarding motherhood.
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August 6th, 2008 @ 10:35 am
All of which is a great reason to be a Mommy Blogger.
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August 6th, 2008 @ 10:45 am
Ewww. Poofy bangs. So 80’s. And so over.
And I feel you on the growing up front.
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August 6th, 2008 @ 11:56 am
I feel like you are reading my mind. I’ve been trying to capture and savour all the moments I can recently. My hubs even went out and bought me a Flip camera. It’s just all going by so quickly. It isn’t fair.
shannanb aka Mommy Bitss last blog post..Children Can Really Surprise You
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August 6th, 2008 @ 12:07 pm
Yep, it’s true, so very, very fast, whether you take the time to engrave the memories in your heart or not. It might be hot enough here again today that my “dode-rants” might struggle, but now I know its proper name.
maggies minds last blog post..Writing About Writing
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August 6th, 2008 @ 12:51 pm
Why does everyone think that they can give out advice?!?
They were just called ass-kicks in our house.
Helens last blog post..Ma’ boy can float!
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August 6th, 2008 @ 2:33 pm
Y’know, thanks for the waterworks you just turned on here since my one and only baby is starting his Senior Year in High School in less than a month.
Sob.
Rees last blog post..WW – Frankenmuth Michigan
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August 6th, 2008 @ 3:06 pm
The Poof-Bangs definitely give the advice. Funny that my mother-in-law has poofy bangs..AND IS ALWAYS DISHING OUT UNWANTED ADVICE. hit the nail on the head with that one, didn’t you!?
it’s true, it goes by SO fast. i enrolled my son in school, first time ever. came home, sat down to play with him and his 9 month old sister who then took 3 steps. It’s as though our children know when we want to grab on and keep them that little..then they rub it in our faces that they have to grow up.
alynns last blog post..In Progress
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August 6th, 2008 @ 3:24 pm
Beautifully written. Truly.
I think just the fact that we choose to write this stuff down will help capture the moments we wish didn’t go by so fast. And maybe a few that we wish would.
You most certainly have a talent with words!
Cecilys last blog post..Books and Practicing with String Beans
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August 6th, 2008 @ 3:33 pm
I think about this all the time since my three are all so close in age. The oldest is three and the others are not quite two year old twins. I spend so much time rushing around doing things for them, getting them ready for daycare, throwing together (a usually pathetic) dinner when we all get home in the evening and trying to get them to bed at a decent hour – that I sometimes feel like I didn’t actually see them.
I’ve learned to ignore the mess (it can always be cleaned up later) and just sit down on the floor so they can crawl all over me. Right now, that’s the best view.
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August 6th, 2008 @ 4:27 pm
Dode-rants. hehe Love it.
Sweet post. Motherhood isn’t all natural, and we do screw up. Luckily those kiddos seem pretty resiliant, no matter what we do.
)
Rheas last blog post..All you NEVER wanted to know.
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August 6th, 2008 @ 5:12 pm
My Alli is 20 and I still remember 3. The pink princess outfit, how much she LOVED her Barbies and when she said “If you ever want me to go shopping with you, don’t even ask, the answer is YES!!”
Yesterday we moved her into her first off-campus apartment. She said she feels like “such a grown-up”.
You’ll remember 3.
I hope your Allie loves “gymnaskits”.
Little Miss Sunshine States last blog post..Lost and Found Update
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August 6th, 2008 @ 5:17 pm
Here’s my take on it:
I have two now. Five years apart. The astonishing difference between the two of them makes me painfully aware of how quickly they grow up and how much I might have forgotten to notice with the older one.
Miss Britts last blog post..Would you like to be me for a day?
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August 6th, 2008 @ 7:34 pm
you won’t forget! mom was in her 60’s, still quoting things from my childhood, even little stuff like “seed the sish” because i loved our fish tank as a toddler. your baby girl is lucky to have you.
hello haha narfs last blog post..Two Words
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August 6th, 2008 @ 10:07 pm
I was always grateful that I didn’t break the baby. I didn’t break her! I didn’t!
That seemed more of a feat to me than anyone else. And she’s freaking 22 years old now.
I still feel pretty good about that. You’ll remember more than you know because you’re writing it all down (here and possibly elsewhere) and that’s how I recall so many events.
Mochas last blog post..Today I Am
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August 6th, 2008 @ 10:32 pm
Three is just magic! Miss Peach just turned three…she loves her tumbling class:)
Nap Wardens last blog post..Gossip, just pointless gossip!
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August 7th, 2008 @ 12:17 am
KD,
I feel like mothers of curly red headed children have to unite to protect our fair skinned lovelies. haha.
-Amanda
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August 7th, 2008 @ 12:18 am
Mocha Momma,
I’m always amazed that she isn’t broken. I thought for sure she would crack in half when she was a newborn.
-Amanda
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August 7th, 2008 @ 12:19 am
That sounds heartbreaking. At least you are aware about it so you can capture all those special moments.
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August 7th, 2008 @ 3:03 am
One of my favourite stories about both my kids is how much they appreciated being little. How can I say this? Well, it started off like this: As I was tucking in my curly blonde headed daughter the eve of her 5th birthday she burst into tears. I was so alarmed by this and couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I couldn’t imagine what would bring my beautiful little one to cry the night before her big birthday! When she finally caught her breath through sobs she told me that she didn’t want to “grow up.” (Being 5 then meant to her she was grown up.) She somehow knew that life as she knew it would end and she’d have to go to school and leave me. It happened again 2 years later the night before my son’s 5th birthday! Apparently, my kids like being around me. Hasn’t changed either. Now my daughter’s 12, and my son’s 10 and they still like hanging out with mom. I’m kewl like that. hehe
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August 7th, 2008 @ 11:51 am
And that is why I started blogging in 2003. Take lots of video and pics….
Renes last blog post..Walking Testimony!
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August 7th, 2008 @ 4:28 pm
Sweet.
You totally need to video tape her. I’ve started doing it more with my 3 year old. I just want to.remember.every.single.thing. It’s heartbreaking, really.
Danielle-lees last blog post..Celebrity Girl Crush
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August 7th, 2008 @ 9:14 pm
Yeah, just wait until the teen years…you will wish it to be over and want time to stop all at the same time…everything is intensified…
Cassandra Raes last blog post..Feel Like Giving Up?
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August 7th, 2008 @ 11:43 pm
Moms don’t forget. I always tell stories of my 19 year old’s preschool days. Muahahahaha! I even told the best story on Bluepaintred’s blog when I guest posted. I’ve been waiting for my daughter to tell the story herself on her blog. She doesn’t remember it happening, but it’s such a funny story, she’s glad I remember it and tell it.
Winters last blog post..Is Annoyed a Color?
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