Confess Your Awkward
- August 2nd, 2008 11:23 pm
I am fabulous at saying awkward things with confidence. It happens at the drop of a hat, and I suppose it’s something that you will never understand unless you meet or have met me in person. But one-on-one, I am bringing the awkward to you 100%, and it is not intentional.
Sometimes I open my mouth up to say something, something planned and likely clever, but instead something terribly awkward comes out, and I’m left to clean up the mess. And the person that received the awkward exchange would probably be more forgiving if it came about with an embarrassed air, but no. I bring on the awkward fully, and if you could assign typeface to it, it would be in bold.
The best example is this conversation with my mother, who is perhaps the most forgiving for awkward flanking:
‘Amanda, what is your plan if you didn’t do as well as you had hoped on the MCAT?’
A question she asked not out of pressure, but curiosity. My mother would not care if I decided to ride camels for the rest of my life as long as I was happy and healthy.
‘Well, mom, *insert pause* do you ever feel like looking people in the eye and telling them to eat shit?’
I heard her stifle a giggle before she replied, ‘Well, I suppose that sometimes I get frustrated with people, but I don’t know that I ever want to tell them to eat their excrement.’
‘Well, mom, you should. Because I feel like telling people to eat shit all of the time. EAT SHIT! EAT SHIT! I would and should say to them. Truly, it’s what some people need.’
I hear her giggling more, before I add, ‘And mom, if this med school gig doesn’t work, I’m just going to start up this shop where all I do is make t-shirts, license plates, hats,and basically everything I could get font on with EAT SHIT written on it really huge.’
I’m sure at this point most people’s parents would try to stage some sort of intervention by telling them how ridiculous this idea was or reassuring that they were joking. But my mom only asked, ‘So, where are you going to have this products manufactured? Will you be making them yourself or are you going to hire someone else?’
And then I started laughing too. (By the way, in the future, I will be stocked up with ‘eat shit’ mousepads.) Seriously, who am I?
But I need to know about your awkward. You can even leave it anonymously if you are ashamed or you don’t want to be publicly outing your awkward. But I’d love to hear about it, because the conversation above is just a smidgen of mine. Maybe it’s the last awkward thing you said or did. But I need to hear about it. Maybe it’s the last awkward thing you wish that you had said. Leave it here.
August 2nd, 2008 @ 11:30 pm
your mom, sounds like my dad.
hmmmmmmmmm. I must ponder.
rachels last blog post..Shades of a Memory
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August 2nd, 2008 @ 11:32 pm
I will share, in a post on my own blog, tomorrow, linking to your awkwardness! LOL Good thinking to share!
Sarahs last blog post..Dear You
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August 2nd, 2008 @ 11:33 pm
I fart a lot! A lot! And I CAN’T keep it inside sometimes, especially when I am walking. I can squeeze everything as tight as I want but still ****boop****
The other night at a board meeting for a nonprofit, I leaned over to get a binder off the floor and doncha know, right in the middle of a quiet meeting room *Braap!*
It is horrible, but like I said, there is NOTHING I can do.
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August 2nd, 2008 @ 11:44 pm
When my hairdresser was complaining that his sons friends thought he was gay. He wanted reassurance of his manhood.
Instead I said ‘Well your name IS Sebastian. And you smell delicious. And you do mince as you walk’
Awkward silence. Thank God he had finished with the scissors…
Kelleys last blog post..I was going to write a post…
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August 2nd, 2008 @ 11:46 pm
Um, yeah, I just open my mouth to change feet. I’m always saying things to make things awkward.
It’s like I say something and then you can hear crickets off in the distance while everyone tries to figure out how to respond.
There was one time when I had a huge crush on a guy that worked in my friends office. This was way back when the earth was still flat and they hadn’t invented cell phones or speed dial yet. I had been trying to memorize my friends work phone number repeating it over and over in my head while I was out shopping when I ran into her drop dead gorgeous coworker. My heart stopped but at least my brain was functioning well enough for me to think to wipe the drool from my chin. we talked a bit and he even asked for my phone number but when I opened my mouth the number that came out was the number that I had been trying to memorize all day, which as it turns out was also his work phone number – making me look like a stalker. I quickly followed up with my real number but he never called
judy haley (coffeejitters)s last blog post..Dear Blue Angels
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August 2nd, 2008 @ 11:48 pm
ok – I just meant to leave a quick comment and ended up leaving a whole blog post. sorry about that.
judy haley (coffeejitters)s last blog post..Dear Blue Angels
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August 3rd, 2008 @ 12:11 am
That is fantastic! If I had ever said the word “shit” around my late mother she would have dropped dead.
Oh crap, I hope that’s not what happened. *takes a bow for being both tactless and awkward at the same time*
Honeybells last blog post..Overheard Conversation
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August 3rd, 2008 @ 12:13 am
Many years ago, before the dawn of time, I had a boyfriend. Very tall and nice but too squeaky-clean. Later I had another boyfriend. Cute and football player. Not bad-boy but not squeaky either. Football and Squeaky went to the same school. Football worried that I still might have a thing for Squeaky. Oh and BTW Squeaky worked as a waiter at the country club where my family belonged. So I brought Football with me to the club for dinner and requested Squeaky to be the waiter. I did this to assure Football that my feelings for Squeaky were totally in the past.
Only later did I realize how very mean this was. Squeaky was a genuinely nice guy. His whole family is like a big hug-fest. I was just so self-centered that I couldn’t see my own horrible manners. My intent was not evil, but just really stupid.
I have apologized to him in person and in writing, still I feel so wierd. It’s been 20 years now and I still feel sheepish.
Texan Mamas last blog post..Why do I blog?
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August 3rd, 2008 @ 1:14 am
I’ll make a deal with you. If I ever have a conversation with someone where I DON’T say something awkward I’ll come here and post it. Cause really, awkward is just my life.
Lisas last blog post..Daring Baker #8 Filbert Gateau with Praline Buttercream
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August 3rd, 2008 @ 2:39 am
Uh, I wrote an entire post about my awkward: http://backpackingdad.blogspot.com/2008/07/blogher-part-1-big-fail.html
In a nutshell, I once called a girl an albino while trying to be smooth, and I told a woman that I wanted to throw up within a couple of seconds of meeting her.
Backpacking Dads last blog post..A New Profile Picture
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August 3rd, 2008 @ 2:41 am
Uh, I wrote a whole post about my awkward: http://backpackingdad.blogspot.com/2008/07/blogher-part-1-big-fail.html
In a nutshell, I once called a girl an albino while trying to be smooth, and I told a woman that I wanted to throw up within a couple of seconds of meeting her.
Backpacking Dads last blog post..A New Profile Picture
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August 3rd, 2008 @ 2:42 am
Ok, I left two comments and they didn’t show.
Here’s my new awkward: I was totally trying to be all cool on a blog comment once and I ended up spamming the site with multiple copies of the same comment, but tried to sound all casual and cool about it while really sounding totally preoccupied and lame.
Backpacking Dads last blog post..A New Profile Picture
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August 3rd, 2008 @ 8:03 am
Most memorable awkward… I hosted a “pre-Halloween” party at my house with the intention that everyone should leave around midnight and head down to the bars. In order to facilitate this process I ended up yelling into my living room “OK PEOPLE, Let’s make like a fetus and head out!” This announcement was met with crickets chirping. I hang my head in shame.
calicobebops last blog post..Ladie’s Night!
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August 3rd, 2008 @ 9:24 am
Ha, I do that, too. But being clumsy is probably my worst..I’m always spilling things, tripping, knocking things over. I’m awesome at the klutz gig.
But family wise, it was blurting out that my cousin needs to get her act together because not knowing which of 3 guys is the father of her unborn baby is Maury Povich worthy and we are NOT a Maury Povich family. And I thought I was thinking it but no, my grandparents, siblings and mom just stared at me. It was news to them and I delivered it in quite a way..
And at work yesterday, I was ringing up a lady who wasn’t buying but a couple of things, but another girl asked if I needed help. Considering I had a huge sale the day before that took me 10 minutes to complete, I said “No, I’m good! This lady hardly bought a thing compared to the one yesterday!” Could I be any more rude?
This is why I normally work in the back, in my little office. Word Vomit..
alynns last blog post..Yuck.
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August 3rd, 2008 @ 10:18 am
I can’t hear to well, especially in a place with loud background noise (comes from pulling triggers with no ear protection. I can however hear a lovely ringing noise 24×7). Anyway, I do fairly well at reading lips and judging from body language when I should laugh or nod my head. This can make for some very bad responses. “do you want cheese on that? Yes, wheat. No, do you want cheese? Oh, yes. Mustard…”. “Do you have kids? Yes, a Toyota. Huh.. no, do you have kids..” blank stare, nod my head and laugh. I have no idea what these people are saying most of time or what I’ve agreed to in the past.
dadthedudes last blog post..stick your arm in this hole
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August 3rd, 2008 @ 10:40 am
I rock the awkward conversations;
1)while giving a dissertation on how red shirting kids is unfair and wrong, I am 5 minutes in when the mom sitting next to me says she red shirted her son.
2)while speaking about the creep at the dr’s office who sat next to me and coughed a lung on my info chart, I worried him profiling me for being a sahm and would come to my house and pillage, the woman sitting on my sofa says,’ what time were you there? that sounds like it was my husband.’
I know, I know-she shouldn’t admit to her husband being creepy, but really it was already all out there.
TRACIs last blog post..
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August 3rd, 2008 @ 11:41 am
I love that conversation with you and your mom. She’s just so casual about all of it.
I tend to speak first and think later, so nothing awkward really sticks out since it’s so common. I’ll have to think about it…….I suck.
dysfunctional moms last blog post..Chiari, Part IV
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August 3rd, 2008 @ 12:03 pm
I have the small frontal lobes problem as well!
I’m always getting myself into messes.
This one time, at band practice (yes, it’s that bad!) we were learning a new score, there were five of us drumming. Me and four guys who were between the ages of 18 and 30.
Instructor: “are you okay with the music?”
Me: “well, I know how to DO IT I just don’t know how to GET IT!”
Helens last blog post..Sunday Song #2
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August 3rd, 2008 @ 1:30 pm
When i got engaged I told my fiance we had to get the engagement and wedding rings sodemized instead of soddered!
britts last blog post..Shake, Rattle, & Roll (All Pun Intended)
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August 3rd, 2008 @ 2:10 pm
Yes, I am awkward! Most everything I say is awkward. My problem is the verbal diarrhea. Anytime I am put in an uncomfortable situation I don’t know like a pap or child birth or a conversation about sex or meeting new people something comes over me and I don’t really know how to shut the hell up.
My two best awkward stories are:
1. My husbands family is very religious his uncle is a pastor, his cousin is a pastor his sister in law is a pastor the whole thing is just a little to much my bad ass self… so when we were engaged it was time for me to “meet the fam” at family Christmas! Clearly I had absolutely nothing in common with these people and thus was EXTREMELY uncomfortable and thus the verbal diarrhea . Somehow I turned a conversation with my husbands cousin Elise’s love for dogs into a conversation about bestiality and then for some fucked up reason began calling her “beasty Elisety” lets just say that her Reverend father Uncle Mark was not impressed! To this day Elise still doesn’t speak to me!
Number 2 is more recent!
So after I gave birth to my daughter I had to have a few stitches. Now that things were a whole lot calmer than they were 10 minutes prior I realized that the whole world just saw my child destroy my lovely vagina and that there were a couple of women down there stitching things up! The verbal diarrhea returned… I just couldn’t shut up, so there I was making small talk about how I liked the doctors protective goggles, that I was really sorry about yelling so loud, made a comment or two about the copious amounts of blood and how cool it was that I didn’t even shit during delivery!
Yep! I’m as awkward as they come!
Loving Dangers last blog post..What I Thought I Knew
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August 3rd, 2008 @ 2:51 pm
I was whining to a friend about how I hate that my brother named his daughter Victoria but calls her Tori. ‘Why not just name her Tori?’ My friend’s daughter is named Roni, as in Veronica… had to do some serious backpeddling on that one.
Tara R.s last blog post..Have permit, will drive…
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August 3rd, 2008 @ 4:19 pm
I think I’m in love with your mom.
(which is totally awkward, really.)
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August 3rd, 2008 @ 6:09 pm
Oh I forgot one of the best ones!
This one time my husband and I were driving along and my husband had all the windows down, clearly I wasn’t paying much attention to that fact. As we were driving I was just looking out the window when I shouted “HEY LOOK THAT GUY HAS NO ARM!” literally as we drove right next to the one armed man, making eye contact!
I have no idea what came over me it was like I was 6 and just as my eyes sent the image to my brain it also sent the words to my mouth with no delay, no time for filters just out it came! My husband, needless to say he was pissed that I would be soooo rude! I didn’t mean it, it just came out!
Wow I have a lot of these awkward moments!
Loving Dangers last blog post..What I Thought I Knew
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August 3rd, 2008 @ 9:21 pm
Your mom has a great sense of humor!
I’m sure I’ve made plenty of embarrassing faux pas statements but then I block them out so I never have to relive them…ever.
So, I could tell you, but then I’d also be forced to send you my therapy bills after I regress….
Rheas last blog post..The army on my coffee table
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August 3rd, 2008 @ 10:00 pm
This past January, while 9 months pregnant with my second child, I had to attend a funeral. My mom flew in from Florida, and as part of the group driving to Michigan for the funeral (so I would not be driving alone in my uber preggo state), my van was full with my mom in the front seat, my son and 3 neices in the back. I almost missed my exit for the toll road, came within feet of missing it completely, yelled “Fuck!” very loudly (I very very rarely swear) swerved across a couple few lanes of traffic and just barely made the exit. My mom waited about 15 seconds before she looked at me like I just coughed up an elephant and said, “Uh, honey, did you just drop the f bomb?”
Yep. I did. In front of my mother, my son, and my impressionable nieces.
Did I happen to mention that of all the awful curse words that can be said, the f bomb has always been the absolute worst one that can possibly ever be used according to my mom?
Chasitys last blog post..Anatomy of a Day Trip
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August 4th, 2008 @ 1:36 am
Sometimes I smile when someone tells me something sad or tragic or just plain not funny. I can’t help it and I don’t mean to. Really. I think I’m just embarrassed and don’t know how to react. I sometimes just put my hand over my mouth and cover it. It’s easier for everyone that way.
p.s. I never do this with my patients thank god. I remain extremely empathetic and even cry at times. Seriously.
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August 4th, 2008 @ 2:08 am
Well, I am walking awkward.
My most frequent one is my constant use and confusion of the words, “simulated” and “stimulated” in the worst possible scenarios. Or perhaps it was the guy who was totally smiling and say hi to me, which I smiled and said hi back to, only to discover he was smiling and waving to the chick behind me.
Dammit, my life is actually defined by awkward moments, a blog post will be forthcoming!
Huckdolls last blog post..Woke Up And…
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August 4th, 2008 @ 7:42 am
My awkward involves a bodily function. I HATE having to go pee at someone else’s house. Because I don’t like the notion that someone would hear me pee. Is that like weird, or what?
lceels last blog post..Sharpening pencils
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August 4th, 2008 @ 7:50 am
Love the post!
When I was student teaching, I told another teacher not to wait for me to go down to the cafeteria for lunch. I had to use the restroom, and the restroom near the cafeteria was always crowded. But I didn’t say that as my reason for not going down there. Instead I said,
“I’ll be a second. I don’t want to clog the toilet down there.” –What I meant is I didn’t want to add to the bathroom line congestion, so I planned to use the restroom upstairs.
Mortifying, and to top it off I didn’t explain myself because I was embarrassed and so nervous.
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August 4th, 2008 @ 8:05 am
I always do something to make a situation awkward. I think one of the worst is asking an Amish man for his drivers liscence while trying to process his check at work. Totally back tracked on that idea and then asked for a telephone number. :\
Jessicas last blog post..Pleasant surprise.
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August 4th, 2008 @ 8:29 am
Out blog hopping and stumbled upon your blog. Still laughing at Backpacking Dad’s awkward…
My awkward is usually sending the wrong email to the wrong person or group. Often. Sometimes to disastrous results.
Kaceys last blog post..What can I do to help, Honey?
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August 4th, 2008 @ 8:34 am
Awww! Your mom sounds great! I love it. For me, anything that comes out of my mouth is awkward. I love to say things for shock value. I love to tell people my plans for my after death experiences. I want to be cremated…have my ashes mixed with glitter from Libby Lu and then placed in some of those cute little bags with the “jewels” on them. They are to be my party favor bags…to pass out to friends and family so that they’ll be able to take me home with them. People think that is strange…err.. awkward. I think it’s genetic. My mom wanted to be stuffed and placed at her piano. If my dad ever remarried, his new wife was to dust her and change her clothes daily. My dad did remarry. I wonder if I’ve shared with her my mom’s wishes? I’ll have to ask.
Rene’s last blog post..Matthew 7:12 and Book Signings
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August 4th, 2008 @ 10:50 am
I cannot remember an entire conversation when I haven’t been awkward, but I think my awkwardness is more physical-I trip, I drop things, I run into things…my first day here four years ago, I actually fell off of the chair-it is a rolling chair, and I went to sit down and, well, it rolled. I still laugh but blush at the same time, because it is SO me to do that, but at least it broke thte ice the first day.
Koris last blog post..If You are Reading This….
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August 4th, 2008 @ 10:54 am
I remember slinking up behind a girl that I thought was my sister, getting real close and laughing creepily into her ear.
Turns out it wasn’t my sister.
Badass Geeks last blog post..In Which I Observe The Sabbath
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August 4th, 2008 @ 11:01 am
For me, it always seems to involve lawyers. I was just telling someone the other day about how I’d come to the conclusion that having too many lawyers around was a good thing, because my friend is a lawyer and he makes good money defending his clients against spurious lawsuits brought by crappy lawyers who went to crappy law schools. Who was I telling? The wife of a lawyer involved in a lawsuit with my friend, and who had gone to one of the crappy law schools I’d just mentioned. I resisted the urge to say, “See…”
stpaulslims last blog post..Why we read the best blogs, August 4
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August 4th, 2008 @ 12:05 pm
I think I’m your expert in awkward.
I used to work in an office of almost all men. One day, 10 grown boys and I went out for the usual after-work drinks at a place with a trivia game. It was one of those where they’d post clues on the TV sets about the answer so you could buzz in and get partial points if you didn’t originally know the answer. I have no idea what the question was, but one of the clues was “Doesn’t suck.” In a panicked state, lest we lose to the opposing teams, I hollered out, “QUICK, WHAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF SUCKS?!?” to which all the ‘mens’ slowly turned to look at me and reply, “Blows?”
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August 4th, 2008 @ 12:06 pm
…way TOO numerous to reveal.
Audubon Rons last blog post..Letter to My Ex
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August 4th, 2008 @ 12:07 pm
…I told a customer once, he said, Can’t we be friends?” I said, “You wanna friend, by a fucking dog!” How’s that? Is that close?
Audubon Rons last blog post..Letter to My Ex
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August 5th, 2008 @ 12:31 am
We had just moved to a new area and all new neighbors. My husband was putting on a business meeting at our house and I had mailed out flyers to people. I put the freaking WRONG NUMBER…. on the flyer.. here.. it turned out to be a neighbor’s phone number. Our new number was like 555-555-3987 and I had typed 555-555-3978.
OMG… and she wasn’t a nice neighbor… and still isn’t! lol
Beth from the Funny Farms last blog post..Taking a Poll here!
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August 6th, 2008 @ 2:13 pm
I embrace awkwardness. My whole life is awkward. Seriously. Watch me carry my bike down the stairs in 4 inch heels every morning. Then watch me try to get it through the door. Watch me ride it to work with my skirt flying everywhere exposing my fluorescent undies to hooting construction workers. And that’s just before 10am.
Amys last blog post..Paradiso Trovati in Monterosso
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August 7th, 2008 @ 4:25 pm
Whew! I don’t even know where to start! I have heard crickets chirping so many times, I can’t even tell you!
Um, how about this?:
I got my boobies in about 7th grade. And they were C’s by 8th grade. And I was wearing this little tank top, and I was at the house of the boy I really liked. He and his younger brother were sitting in their mom’s car with the driver’s door open. I totally leaned into the window of the door, basically squeeshing my boobs on the glass, and yes, I swear to God I heard ‘Put ‘em on the glass!’ by sir-mix-a-lot! And they both just looked at me like ‘wtf?’ I didn’t mean to do it. so embarrassing, even now, after 17 years!!!!
Danielle-lees last blog post..Celebrity Girl Crush
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September 21st, 2008 @ 2:35 pm
Not bad at all, but this topic is rather little of interest. Please do not disappoint your readership.
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