The Obligatory Shake System
- July 9th, 2008 4:25 pm
Recently, I’ve been caught up in the drama of a loved on making incredibly poor decisions. Ridiculous decisions. The sort of decision that makes you want to pick the person up and shake them until they say something that at least makes the tiniest bit of sense.
In my case, it’s been my younger brother. He has every opportunity he could possible want at his fingertips yet he will not even attempt to grasp at them. It is frustrating to see someone with so many possibilities squander them for juvenile nonsense and frivolity.
In my time, I have ultimately made some poor decisions. I’m not completely innocent. But sometimes I am so amazed at some of the abject and avaricious things that people choose to do to themselves and others. I am just amazed, disappointed, and flabbergasted by it all.
And so, I am inventing a shake system for people making idiot decisions. The system will determine the who, what, when, where, and why of shaking. Additionally, it will determine the level and intensity of shaking that the person needs.
(Shake System Disclaimer: The Shake System is only applicable to adults. Additionally, I would never actually shake a human being or any object unless it had written instructions to do so.)
Level 1: The Petty Shake:
The Petty Shake is given to people who are making slightly poor decision that are not affecting anyone else around them. Additionally, they might be slightly unaware of the poor decision they have made, because they have yet to see the light. In this case, you grab them by the shoulders and shake them back and forth very slowly while looking them directly in the eye. Following the Petty Shake, it is recommended that you stomp on all of their toes with stilettos.
Level 2: The ‘Oh No You Didn’t’ Shake :
The ‘Oh No You Didn’t’ Shake is given to people making awkwardly poor decisions that are affecting people around them. They may or may not be aware of the outcome of the result of their decisions. However, if they are/were aware, they would not care. They are only concerned about number one which is, of course, them. In order to complete the ‘Oh No You Didn’t’ Shake you must place the person in a giant tire and roll it down a hill with a length of at least 2 miles. When they finally get out of the tire, it is best to push them down on the ground and run off.or maybe pour water on them. Ultimately, the decision is yours.
Level 3: The ‘It is Offically ON’ Shake :
The ‘It is Officially ON’ Shake is given to people making ridiculous and harmful decisions. The effect is massive and impacts a large portion of the people around them. Of course, they know and do not care about the people hurt in the act. In fact, they sort of thrive on the misfit results that come from the deviant behavior. They see the FAIL sign, but they don’t care. Now, in this situation, it is best to do the paint can shake. You know, the shake that the machine in the paint store does to mix your colors before you splash them on the wall? Or the shake that you do to products that require you to shake before opening, the one that is sure to mix up all of the contents. I mean, sure it might scramble their brain a little. But obviously, they need a brain scrambling. So pat yourself on the back. Following the shaking, you can even taser them. Once again, the decision is ultimately yours.
I think these shakes could also be used when you want someone to get the hell over themselves. Just apply the level of need to the situation and shake accordingly. I’m sure it will all work out beautifully. Give it a try, I’ll bail you out.
PS. Word out on the street is that all of my periods are showing up as question marks in google reader. I’m sorry. I promise I’m not abusing the question mark.
July 9th, 2008 @ 4:58 pm
I’m sure all of these shakes could have been applied to me at some time in my life. Actually, I’m POSITIVE.
But most people need to learn on their own.
On a side note: In Google Reader, all of your periods come up like this: ??
It looks like you have a lot of questions hehe.
Natalies last blog post..I Need Your Opinion
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July 9th, 2008 @ 5:04 pm
I tried your system with my sister. It didn’t work.
Jenn @ Juggling Lifes last blog post..A Picture, a Winner, and a Couple of Awards
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July 9th, 2008 @ 5:04 pm
I can think of half a dozen people on any given day who would benefit from at least one of the shake methods. And it would make ME feel better too! Hey, dude, did you send the Gameboy yet? I am dying here!
Koris last blog post..Crazy Stalker Guy Update
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July 9th, 2008 @ 5:31 pm
firstly, you are totally giving Dr Phil a run for his money.
secondly, can one perform a self-shake? cause that would be good I think from time to time.
Darcys last blog post..Confession or Step One
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July 9th, 2008 @ 6:18 pm
You came by my blog — not sure how but Hi! Thank you for your comment.
This post made me laugh. Out loud. What a great, and might I say kind way to let off some steam.
I have a sibling I’d loved to apply this to, but my arms just won’t stretch that far. She’s accross the pond in England and I reside in CA.
I’ve added you to my own little bloggy reader ‘cos you sound cool and witty and I like that
Thanks for posting to my blog — so glad you did.
K
Karens last blog post..Borrowed Post From Debi
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July 9th, 2008 @ 6:53 pm
You’ve put a lot of thought into this. I like it.
Rheas last blog post..My Texas Homeboy
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July 9th, 2008 @ 7:10 pm
Personally, I’m one for the slap. Gentle at first, then really smacking someone who has done something totally STUPID, upside the head.
Then I would run away.
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July 9th, 2008 @ 7:40 pm
I was going to tell you about the GOOGLE reader problem. (periods=??) It really messes up when I’m trying to read your post. Everything is a question. What’s going on?!
Jennifer @ The Cubicle’s Backporchs last blog post..In which my relationship loses it’s zsa zsa zsu.
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July 9th, 2008 @ 7:42 pm
Don’t all of your periods mean you’re not pregnant?
lceels last blog post..a city boy, no more
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July 9th, 2008 @ 7:48 pm
I’m with Suze. F a shake. I’mma hit you.
Marias last blog post..No, I don’t like your kids.
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July 9th, 2008 @ 7:58 pm
ROFL. Look, not that I haven’t made my overly-fair share of mistakes in life, cause I totally have, but I think your brother and my brother might have a tad bit in common. Like they probably have the effin’ stoopid gene in common. My brother has surpassed level three, and is officially on defcon level eight … shaking and bitch slapping and a little bit of shin kicking and hitting the head with a big bat. Seriously.
Great post!
~Brea
Brea in Texass last blog post..Monday Meal Plan
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July 9th, 2008 @ 8:03 pm
word on the geek street is that you might be writing in Word and pasting it into your blog…so in Google Reader your three dots are turning into question marks.
and uh, will the Shake be implemented into our arsenal?
Colleens last blog post..More Housekeeping Than You Can Shake a Stick At
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July 9th, 2008 @ 8:26 pm
I like the taser idea….do you have to shake first?
Hockeymans last blog post..Found Porn
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July 9th, 2008 @ 8:42 pm
Is it bad that I could easily come up with three people easily … for each shake???
I might need to re-evaluate who I’m hanging around.
Annies last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
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July 9th, 2008 @ 9:23 pm
Good idea with the shakes!
If it helps I have two younger brothers and they both needed to be shaken, not stirred, years a go!! Once they hit the mid-twenties they both got their acts together, now they are doing fine!
Helens last blog post..Some call it the bible belt; I might call it hell!!!
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July 9th, 2008 @ 9:26 pm
Hi. I have a CRAZY sister in law who just un-invited her mother to her wedding. They had some minor drama at a graduation dinner- no biggie- I would just kiss and make up- OH NO… NOT HER…. what does she do? Un-Invite her! Now, her mom (my MIL) and I are pretty close and she is VERY sweet…. My Crazy Ass Sister In Law is just doing it for dramatic reasons, and DEFINITELY needs the “It Is Officially On” shake. I would give it to her- but for once, I am off her radar, and am staying out. I’ll tell my husband about it… maybe he’ll do it.
Kalyns last blog post..I have a little Seal.
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July 9th, 2008 @ 9:50 pm
If I use this at work, would it be considered harassment of some kind. Just asking…
Tara R.s last blog post..Random Wednesday – guardians
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July 9th, 2008 @ 9:54 pm
I know several people who could use all of the shakes. A couple that live in my house alone….husband and son come to mind.
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July 9th, 2008 @ 11:10 pm
Maybe you should have your own help show? haha
Kelseys last blog post..::Birthcontrol Is For People With Ugly Kids::
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July 10th, 2008 @ 12:46 am
HA! I like your sense of humor
Your brother is going to have to find his way on his own. It’s a hard lesson for everyone to learn.
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July 10th, 2008 @ 1:53 am
The Shakes remind me why I hate people!
Queen Mommys last blog post..Legs and sneezing
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July 10th, 2008 @ 5:36 am
I prefer pancreas punching. Swift and to the point. But probably not warranted for the kid who packed my groceries with the milk ON TOP of the bread… but I do like my toast in uniform shapes.
Kelleys last blog post..Mosh!
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July 10th, 2008 @ 6:41 am
I’m more of a smack em upside the head kind of woman. That’ll give your head a shake.
witchypoos last blog post..Deaf Old Ladies
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July 10th, 2008 @ 6:47 am
Thanks for stopping by my blog and saying “Hi”.
I too can think of someone who could use at the very least a STRONG #2 shake. I’ll give it a try and let you know how it worked out.
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July 10th, 2008 @ 6:51 am
I think you forgot a few categories. Like the “This is going to hurt You more than it’s going to hurt me” category and maybe something like “You’re behaving too stupid for words”. Maybe you could throw in a “CODE RED: EMERGENCY STUPID REMOVAL!” shake? There are a lotta people I’d like to start shaking, let me tell you!
PS-Yeah, I get the question marks in google reader, too.
Shannons last blog post..a few of my favourite things: hotel edition
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July 10th, 2008 @ 7:01 am
So THAT’S what I’m doing wrong! Who knew!? OK, so I’m off to go shove my brother through a tire and roll him on down a hill…I’ll let you know if his decision making skill improve.
Tammys last blog post..Isn’t she lovely….
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July 10th, 2008 @ 8:01 am
Genius! I’m going to start practicing the Shake System ASAP!
No question marks here!
Kathryns last blog post..I’m Back
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July 10th, 2008 @ 8:32 am
I completely love this! As long as you are willing to bail us out, I am shaking everyone I come into contact today that is being even remotely dumb. It will be a shaking spree!!
WickedStepMoms last blog post..Where’s the honor?
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July 10th, 2008 @ 8:38 am
Oh please, go on and abuse the question mark. It probably needs it. It’s got to be rough being always compared to the exclamation point. Let’s not even talk about the jealousy of the semi colon. It’s a bitter rivalry.
nikkis last blog post..Update
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July 10th, 2008 @ 9:23 am
Can I try the titanium centrifuge shake instead? It might help to bring all of the “stupid” to the surface.
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July 10th, 2008 @ 11:47 am
I’ve been wondering for a couple of days about the ??s! I thought maybe it was your “thing,” like cummings with the no capitalization “thing.”
I have a few people I’d like to shake right now. Can’t even blog it cause family-theyread-blah-blah-suck.
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritass last blog post..Wordless Wednesday – Peek A Boo!
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July 10th, 2008 @ 12:42 pm
Had you simply published this system a year of so ago, you could have saved this family a whole lotta money in counseling sessions. Beware, my teen-age daughter, the shake system is coming to a home near you!
Cautions last blog post..Pyrotechnology Is A Bust
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July 10th, 2008 @ 2:16 pm
It’s brilliant! Can I borrow it?
Christys last blog post..The Changing of the Guard
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July 10th, 2008 @ 2:20 pm
You know you want to abuse the question mark.
It’s so frustrating when people do those kinds of things. So. Frustrating.
Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..I Think I Just Renounced My American Citizenship
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July 10th, 2008 @ 2:52 pm
I LOVE the idea of a shake system. Then, if that doesn’t work, we’ll get our Bootay Gang on and whip them in fencing, right?
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July 10th, 2008 @ 3:22 pm
I totally feel your pain.
My younger sister is in dire need a few Level 3 shakes and/or taserings. Seeing as she’s six months pregant at the moment I don’t think it’s gonna happen anytime soon. Can’t go around tasering fetuses. Some law or some such.
Thanks for stopping by my fledgling blog!
Photo Mommas last blog post..I think I might have a first class ticket to Hell
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July 10th, 2008 @ 3:23 pm
This is brilliant. I’m dealing with something similar myself at the moment and this shaking system just describes it PERFECTLY.
Jesss last blog post..Next time we’ll make sure to pick the SAME hospital.
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July 10th, 2008 @ 6:39 pm
Hmmmm, I think I will adopt this shake policy! lol
Thanks for stopping by my blog the other day!
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July 10th, 2008 @ 9:38 pm
Yea…. I feel the same way about my brother too. There is only so much you can say and do, you know? They have to figure things out on their own time, from the own mistakes.
Love your shakes. LOVE.
ohmommys last blog post..True Confessions of a Young & Idealistic Desperate Housewife
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July 11th, 2008 @ 12:59 am
Oh man. I’m about to go on a shaking spree. Ima shake people like YOOHOOS.
dysfunctional moms last blog post..Wordless Wednesday ~ This Is My Life.
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