The Smoking Tampon
- June 20th, 2008 11:52 am
(Yes, I do realize that having tampon in your title two times in one week should be illegal. But it’s worth it. I promise. )
When I was a child, I loved going to my grandmother’s home. She let me do about anything short of setting it on fire. Fire was nothing to her since my mother had accidentally accomplished lighting the place up as a child. But still, that was probably the one rule of her house. Don’t set it on fire.
My grandmother didn’t drive. So we would walk to this tiny store near her house called Jack’s. When entering Jack’s, it was as if the strangest combination of York peppermint patties and cigarette smoke had filled the air and teased my olfactory nerves. Yet somehow the odor was pleasant and memorable. Since Jack’s was the size of a toddler’s shoebox, it was always filled with people. I usually raided the candy section for candy cigarettes.
(Second time this week that candy cigarettes have gotten props from me, just if you were questioning my love for them. Do tell if you unfamiliar with them.)
The whole walk home I would mimic my grandmother’s smoking habit by doing my interpretation of glamorous smoking with the candy cigarettes. Eventually the candy part would get quite soggy and I’d have to eat it. But that was totally okay, because they came in a pack similar to those of real cigarettes. So there were always more.
My mother was quite the non-smoking advocate and disapproved of this behavior. So both my grandmother and I caught worlds of hell for it. But my sweet grandmother, with her elderly, sharpei-like skin ,let me anyway.
And I loved every minute of it…
But I have finally been gotten back for all of the behind my mother’s back candy cigarette smoking in which I participated:
In a recent trip to the grocery store, I was perusing the produce aisle while silently bitching to myself about how expensive even the most mundane of vegetables (cabbage) had become. Allie was sitting in the cart behaving and/or singing that Leona Lewis song that says’keep bleeding’ non-stop very loudly. I suppose while going down my list and finding things, I had stopped paying much attention to her.
In that short amount of time, she dug into my purse to search for a toy and became quiet. And boy, did she find one.
With her, quiet is always a bad sign. Quiet is foreshadowing that doom has or is about to occur.
So finally, after digging through watermelons, I turned back around to the buggy to talk to her. (Because she’s generally my grocery store confidant.)
And she was smoking a tampon. She had taken a tampon out of the packaging, was holding the applicator between her index and middle fingers, and bringing it to her lips in a graceful attempt at smoking. She even had an audience of two women pointing and giggling at her.
She, of course, was taking this all in, smiling, and preening. While continuing to ‘puff’, the pearl plastic .
Smoking a freaking tampon applicator. I’ve seen it all now.
Her grandmother smokes, and I suppose this karma’s way of getting me back for annoying the shebang out of my mother with my own candy cigarette smoking tendencies. Or for the short time in my teens when I took up smoking. Who knows.
Either way, my kid smoked a tampon in the grocery store with an audience. What has yours done lately?
June 20th, 2008 @ 12:21 pm
Same old, same old around here. My toddler is playing with his poop. Also, yesterday, after showing him pictures from after he “came out of mommy’s belly” (I’m pregnant and trying to prep him for what’s coming his way next week), he stuck his head near my crotch and said, “I want get back in mommy’s belly.” Sure, there’s room for all forty pounds of you.
meps last blog post..Dear Abby, I just found out my husband is a polygamist or possibly just someone else’s babydaddy . . .
June 20th, 2008 @ 12:34 pm
Tampon story……I’ll never forget when we were in a bathroom stall. And my daughter said very loudly “MOM WHAT ARE YOU PUTTING IN YOUR BUTT?”
Lisas last blog post..Are you bored yet? Part 3
June 20th, 2008 @ 12:45 pm
Lately my kids have not really done anything too bad in public. The worst thing though was when my son was about 3 and a half and I had him in a very crowded restoom with me. I took him into a stall and went to sit down on the toilet. As I was sitting down my boy yelled “Wow Mommy! You have a really hairy fragina*!” The restoom errupted in laughter and I sat in that stall until I was sure everyone who had been in the bathroom when he said it had left.
*”Fragina” was how he pronunced vagina. Actually, he still says it that way. It cracks me up so I don’t correct him.
Jens last blog post..Accountability
June 20th, 2008 @ 12:57 pm
Now that was hilarious.
Also, I used to love the candy cigarettes when I was younger. There was this one kind that had like a sleeve and powder in it, so when you blew- it almost looked like smoke.
It was awesome.
Matts last blog post..The Bachelor
June 20th, 2008 @ 12:58 pm
OMG!! That is TOO funny! The store where you purchased candy cigarettes sounds exactly like ours. It was called “Lum’s”. Oddly enough, my Grandma didn’t drive either. If only I had a tampon-smoking baby, we could be twins!! heehee!
bighairenvys last blog post..John Keenan
June 20th, 2008 @ 12:59 pm
I love your daughter. heehee
Jens last blog post..chatty
June 20th, 2008 @ 1:01 pm
My kids used to love to sing the Pepto bismol song at the top of their lungs while we shop. Lately it’s been either “I like big butts…” (which is all Shrek’s fault - or maybe Donkey) or “apple bottom jeans, boots with the furrrr” (which is all their Dad’s fault).
Oh and then we got a free massager when we bought a scale a few weeks ago. My youngest bites and ruins everything. EVERYTHING. So he ate all the feet parts off the massager and we threw it away. So my daughter sees new massagers at Target and shouts “Hey Mom, we can get a new massager since yours is broken!”
Good times.
June 20th, 2008 @ 1:06 pm
Well, mine are 10 and 13 so most of the time I am the one to embarass them in public, or so they say. But when they were younger I had my fair share of embarassing moments with them to be sure.
Heathers last blog post..cute hair, no pics
June 20th, 2008 @ 1:08 pm
That stories a keeper for the “files of embarrassment” - in her teenage years.
Mandys last blog post..Haiku Friday - back to rights
June 20th, 2008 @ 1:19 pm
Can. Not. Stop. Laughing.
I haven’t laughed this hard all week!
Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..How I Know God Wants Me To Fully Partake In Adult Drinks
June 20th, 2008 @ 1:27 pm
My kid once kept yelling “dog sh*t” in the grocery store.
It wasn’t embarrassing AT ALL.
Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for childrens last blog post..Fess up to your wee Internet addiction
June 20th, 2008 @ 1:37 pm
We are regular old cracker looking what people. My step son comes from suburbia and goes to a private school. He has blond hair, blue eyes and dennis the menace freckles all over his face. He’s going to be 9 next month.
HE STRUTTED THROUGH TARGET WAGGING HIS FINGER AND SHAKING HIS HIPS TALKING LIKE A WISE OLD BLACK WOMAN..SOUTHERN BLACK WOMAN.
I was doing the whisper/yell… STOP IT.. but he didn’t, he just didn’t more and laughed, “NO GIRLFRIEND YOU BACK AWAY”..and things like that… OMG. I’m freaking out that some huge Queen Latifah woman is going to see this and think he’s making fun of her and she’s going to beat my ass.
We made it home OK and talked about how disrespectful that is…but I couldn’t combat his response.. “well they do it on Drake and Josh”.. the child really needs to be in stand up comedy.
mps last blog post..Floods * Food * Fireworks
June 20th, 2008 @ 1:37 pm
Not WHAT people I meant WHITE
mps last blog post..Floods * Food * Fireworks
June 20th, 2008 @ 1:44 pm
That’s a classic.
My girls like to announce, “Mama went POOOPIIEEEE” when we come out of the bathroom and clap for me.
A Whole Lot of Nothings last blog post..Heads: CLASSY CHAOS CHALLENGE #1 (CCC#1)
June 20th, 2008 @ 1:47 pm
When my 15 year old daughter was little, she stepped out of my bedroom nonchalantly….
We had some friends over and suddenly one of them started laughing…
She had stuck a mini pad in the correct place (her crotch) but on the OUTSIDE of her shorts…
She looked at all of us like, “WHAT?!”
Good times….
Jackie
Jackies last blog post..4 Hour (not so) Funny Bone…
June 20th, 2008 @ 1:55 pm
Thanks for the warning regarding what to expect (times two!) in a year. Too too funny.
Sadias last blog post..So grown up
June 20th, 2008 @ 2:05 pm
Yep, you made coffee come out my nose with this one. So now you are offically the Funny Girl today!
Koris last blog post..BlogBlast For Education: It Starts Here
June 20th, 2008 @ 2:38 pm
Officially one of the funniest things I’ve read all week. This was awesome!
My son is obsessed with Tampons. He is constantly playing with them and running around with them. He stuck one opened up, just the ‘cotton’ in his shorts the other day. I only noticed when he pulled it out by the string in front our 80 year old neighbor man.
He also likes to suck on the applicators. It’s frightening. I adore this damn story!
rachels last blog post..A Strawberry ‘Ku
June 20th, 2008 @ 2:41 pm
very nice. i would have been laughing and encouraging her too!
i used to love the candy cig’s.
we also used to pilfer my mom’s real cig’s for pretend play. while we were riding without restraints in the back of an open pickup while looking at the gun on the gunrack and watching my uncle sip out of a brown paper bag while driving us to the beach where he would ignore us and make out with his girlfriend.
good times.
June 20th, 2008 @ 2:47 pm
My sister and I were at the grocery store in aisle 5 and my niece (age 5) ran to aisle 6 and after a few moments yelled “Mom you need pads?”
Cute story!
The Hunter’s Wifes last blog post..Friday’s Goofy Googler - Wives & Hunters
June 20th, 2008 @ 2:48 pm
Nothing that embarassing–but the day’s not over yet!
Jenn @ Juggling Lifes last blog post..In Which It Is The Summer Of The Boys From Brazil
June 20th, 2008 @ 2:55 pm
Wow, that makes Hope telling my parents I saw my doctor naked seem like no big deal! Did you die of embarrassment?
Melissas last blog post..Busted….
June 20th, 2008 @ 3:05 pm
hilarious!
when I was battling some stomach ailment a couple weeks ago, I had to go poop while we were in Target, and since Gavin’s only 4, I had to bring him in the bathroom stall with me. When he got done touching everything, he announced to all 5 women in the bathroom “Mommy! You went poo-poo! Good job!” then, if I wasn’t embarassed enough, he followed it with “did you wipe?”
Colleens last blog post..Silent Auctions
June 20th, 2008 @ 3:14 pm
well, i don’t ever get to go to the bathroom alone - for any reason. so my 23 month old knows what tampons are, where they go, how to get them out of the applicator, and also that they are for when ‘mama poops.’
so far, i’m pretty glad that info’s only being shared in our apartment.
Zoeyjanes last blog post..I am a Ten-Toed Sloth. Or Not.
June 20th, 2008 @ 3:35 pm
Thank you SO MUCH for that wonderful belly laugh! Cracks me up! I too once enjoyed the flavor of candy cigarettes and as well, much to my mother’s horror. But the tampon? Ack! I am still laughing.
Heidis last blog post..life cleansing
June 20th, 2008 @ 3:37 pm
Oh wow, that is CLASSIC!!! Kids never fail to entertain others in public
after a very rough potty training experience with my son, i still tell him that he better not poop/pee his pants (he has a fear of public restrooms) or he will get a spanking. i had to take him in the bathroom with me at target and it was full so I just muttered that I would wait until we got home. As we walk back in to the busy store, as loudly as he can manage, he goes “YOU BETTA NOT POOP YA PANTS MOMMY! YEWL GIT A SPANKIN!” good thing our love is unconditional for them..
alynns last blog post..Movie Night: One Hour In.
June 20th, 2008 @ 3:40 pm
My oldest has picked up two of my most used phrases:
“Wow, that’s intense”
and
“Jesus Fucking Christ”
I’m a proud mamma.
LunaNiks last blog post..Wiggle Iggle Blog Blast for Education Friday
June 20th, 2008 @ 3:55 pm
Bahahahahahaha! That is so damn funny!
That Leona Lewis song drives me batshit crazy. I mean, C.R.A.Z.Y. They play it like every 10 minutes on the top 40 station here, and I just can’t.stand.it.
My girl will be 3 next month. Right now she has discovered that she can put her, uh, finger, in her who-ha. Um, and also, when I tell her something she doesn’t like, she says, ‘Seriously??’ And she loves to sing the ‘How Far We’ve Come’ song by Matchbox 20. I’ll hear her singing it in bed in the mornings.
Danielle-lees last blog post..Welcome to the neighborhood (AKA ‘Get the f- out’)
June 20th, 2008 @ 4:24 pm
Mine dressed as a woman for Hallowe’en and emailed the pictures to my father, who emailed me back with a WTF???
witchypoos last blog post..Feast or Famine
June 20th, 2008 @ 4:35 pm
LMAO! What? No pics? You really must carry your camera around everywhere for moments like this
You know…there may be store surveillance available. ..Just sayin’
p.s. Back in the day, I jimmy-rigged fast-food straws to make long, candy cigarette holders!
Sandy (Momisodes)s last blog post..Ready for Rehab
June 20th, 2008 @ 4:46 pm
Your daughter is so damn funny. At least the candy cigs taste good for goodness sake. Tampons? Heh not so much I’m gonna assume.
My college dressed himself up as a bloody tampon for a college halloween party. Had the string coming out of his head and everything. Oh that boy’s a charmer I tell ya….
Mrs. Kittys last blog post..Pampering and the DMV…. those sneaky bastards
June 20th, 2008 @ 4:53 pm
Nothing that funny! The worst was rynning through the store yelling Mommy farted to anyone who would listen.
June 20th, 2008 @ 4:54 pm
Look I can’t spell! I meant running! OOPS
justmylifes last blog post..To PLURK or not to PLURK……
June 20th, 2008 @ 4:59 pm
Wow. Can I just say WOW?! Two tampon posts this week and both creepy. Although, it’s really funny that she had a captive audience.
Anglophile Football Fanatics last blog post..Quirks
June 20th, 2008 @ 5:40 pm
I don’t have kids so I have to enjoy living vicariously through all of the funny stories shared by others who do have them
(I’m surprised there isn’t a photo for the blog)
LOL
The Flirty Girls last blog post..The 25 Live North American Tour
June 20th, 2008 @ 5:47 pm
Took my son to work on “take your child to work” day & introduced him to the boss.
Boss, “So, what do you think about you mom’s job.”
Son, “Well, so far it is been pretty fun & easy. I don’t know why so always comes home complaining. She complains and complains & this place is just so fun.”
Half-Breeds last blog post..Your Mission, should you choose to accept…
June 20th, 2008 @ 6:16 pm
LOL omg make sure to tell her prom date she used to smoke tampons, lol. My son has been singing this stupid I dont want to go to school song by the naked brothers band. He say a picture of them and asked me if I like naked brothers, and of course this buff cute black guy comes around the corner giggling. LOL good times.
Anas last blog post..Nothing Much
June 20th, 2008 @ 6:25 pm
Don’t start worrying until he actually lights the tampon.
StartsWithanXs last blog post..To This House, I Thee Wed
June 20th, 2008 @ 6:43 pm
I think your comments were just as good as the post!
Veronicas last blog post..Something Ends, Something Begins
June 20th, 2008 @ 7:50 pm
what a great story….just gotta love these kids!!
Alisons last blog post..We’re Home!!!
June 20th, 2008 @ 9:07 pm
*snigger*
My kids got Fizz Wizz (that powder candy) and pretended to make blow. They were like 10 at the time though, and had seen it on THE NEWS!
June 20th, 2008 @ 9:10 pm
oh dear lord………that is quite possibly the funniest thing i have read all week!
can’t wait to see what i am in store for!! mine are 17 mos and almost 3.
marchelles last blog post..I am an Amish-stalking Paparazzo
June 20th, 2008 @ 10:28 pm
lol that’s hilarious. Awesome actually. Sorry, I can’t top that this week.
Ashleys last blog post..My Soul Truth (as it stands, right now)
June 20th, 2008 @ 10:32 pm
found some snail shells at the beach and has put them in her mouth, the entire thing. i can’t even tell you what else she does with them, but let’s just say they have been rubbed on part of her body…..god help us
feeners last blog post..ummm
June 20th, 2008 @ 10:57 pm
Oh my gosh! LOL That is hilarious. Today at Walfart Joshua announced loudly (is there any other way?) that he had to go pee. He stands up in the cart pinching his wiggle and says, “I have to pee now!” So I drag him out and off we go. He walks into the bathroom doing this fake high pitched whistling thing that he thinks he does just like Daddy. I tell him that he cannot fake whistle in the bathroom. “Why?” he screams. So he pees and we wash his hands while this baby who is getting her butt changed screams at the top of her lungs. Joshua is now probably wondering why he can’t fake whistle. We leave and he sings (AKA screams) LIFE IS A HIGHWAY!!! I WANNA RIDE YOU ALL NIGHT LONG!!! Of course the walmart bank line is six miles long so he has a great audience.
Renes last blog post..Painted Grayson
June 20th, 2008 @ 11:00 pm
OH oh oh!!! I also wanted to say that when I was like 11 my friend and I found the IBC root beer. We just knew that people believed we were cool kids walking around with beer. We would refill those bottles and just roam the neighborhood. LOL I also loved candy cigarettes..they’re yum.
Renes last blog post..Painted Grayson
June 21st, 2008 @ 12:07 am
My boys are fascinated by tampons but won’t touch em. So, I haven’t seen them smoking them either. Your daughter takes the cake for that one!! Hilarious.
I LOVED candy cigarettes but haven’t seen them in a while.
Lately my boys turn anything and everything into weapons and missles in my house. I have to run from room to room to avoid being hit by flying pillows, rubber bands, and paper airplanes. You get the idea. It’s a war zone! The dog has learned to take cover under my computer desk…all 80 pounds of her cowered hairy white butt.
Rheas last blog post..A Science experiment, Shopping & Southern Etiquette
June 21st, 2008 @ 12:13 am
Looks like it’s time to buy your kid some candy cigarettes!
Madisons last blog post..Visiting The Past
June 21st, 2008 @ 12:22 am
I just don’t take them in public anymore. Keeps me a bit saner.
Last week at Target, LC opens up the hand soap and begins rubbing it on her heiny. She has eczema and thinks any cream will help. My child, pants half off her rear, standing in the back of the cart, rubbing hand soap all over her bright red bum. That’s classic. For those who gawked and whispered about her red backside, I stated, “Yes, as a matter of fact, I do beat my child. Have a problem with it? In the meantime, LC decides soap on chapped skin doesn’t feel so good and starts FREAKIN out to “wash it off, wash my BUTT, it hurts..” I attempted to stay calm while reminding her we don’t say butt and headed to the restroom where I had to strip her bottom half and rinse her butt in the sink. Good times.
Polka Dot Mommys last blog post..Mommy or Laundress and Short Order Cook?
June 21st, 2008 @ 10:35 am
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Sooooo funny!
Here’s a link to what my children have done to embarrass me…(since I’m not smart enough to put a regular link in here)
http://mjmogoff.blogspot.com/2008/05/embarrassing-moments-with-my-children.html
Jodis last blog post..A Letter to my Sweet Children
June 21st, 2008 @ 10:43 am
Too funny! The comments are pretty good too! Thanks for stopping by and the comment!
Jenns last blog post..My Parents Love Me!
June 21st, 2008 @ 11:06 am
That is so funny!! *sigh* I can’t wait till the girls’ are that age!
Meagans last blog post..Ugh.
June 21st, 2008 @ 2:13 pm
Belly laugh!!! So funny. I used to love candy cigs when i was little too. But my mom did not like them at all so i had to eat/smoke them all before we got back home. I don’t have kids yet (any of you know any nice guys?) but my niece is ALWAYS saying crazy things out loud. I forgot one day that she is a mimic and accidentally taught her to say ‘boobs’ she now says it A LOT, in public, and points to mine. It’s great.
Katie K.s last blog post..Happy Father’s Day!
June 21st, 2008 @ 2:38 pm
OMG, I would have died laughing!
It’s funny…my grandma had a little store right down the road from her that was really small, and we always walked there. We called it “the corner store.” I always went there to get “Johnny Apple Treats”, which now are called “Apple Heads.”
I never liked the taste of candy cigarettes.
June 21st, 2008 @ 3:13 pm
Too stinking funny! My dd and ds have both done similar things. In the middle of his sister’s dance recital last year, ds (3 at the time) sees one in someone else’s purse, stands up, turns to me in that o-so-toddler voice (loud due to the music) and asks, “Mommy, is this yours?” Miraculously, he’s made it to four.
Thank you for posting on my blog. I have the apron listed on Etsy if you’re interested. http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=12746769
On to read more of your posts, especially since you said tampons were mentioned earlier in the week.
Jenny
Jennys last blog post..Angelina Apron. . .
June 21st, 2008 @ 4:25 pm
OMG - Thank God I have boys!!! That takes the cake for sure! I have GOT to read this to the Milk Man tonight when he gets home - thanks for stopping over at my blog - your going to be added to my favorites!!!
Heidis last blog post..‘Fwimming’
June 21st, 2008 @ 9:17 pm
Oh. My. God. I would be embarassed…. but that was hilarious to read; because it DIDN’T happen to me!
Maureens last blog post..Laughing All The Way FROM The Bank
June 21st, 2008 @ 9:42 pm
I asked my 4yrold son to go get a cotton swab to clean out his ear.
Yup. He came back with a tampon (still in wrapper). My husband nearly split a gut.
Good & Crazys last blog post..Seen a Good Thing?
June 22nd, 2008 @ 2:39 am
Too very funny. Wow.
Maggie’s Minds last blog post..Weekly Winners Sunday 6/22/08
June 22nd, 2008 @ 9:05 am
OMG That is so funny!
My eldest took one out while grocersy shopping and put it up his nose! Ya. Lovely!
Laura from the Finges last blog post..Yes….but…
June 22nd, 2008 @ 9:26 am
I bet Cleek smokes. That’s why she did it!
dysfunctional moms last blog post..Today, I had a chauffeur.
June 22nd, 2008 @ 1:15 pm
You’re awesome!
Me to middle child: Don’t touch the baby!
Middle Child (out of sight) responds: I am not touching the baby, I am just touching her lips…
Katies last blog post..Photo updates
June 22nd, 2008 @ 3:18 pm
I once gave a [brand new, still in the package] tampon to my son (then 1.5) to play with to keep him awake once when driving home. He was entertained for a VERY long time!!!
Helens last blog post..Just got back…
June 22nd, 2008 @ 4:05 pm
HAHAHA!! Yep. That’s karma working all right.
Kathryns last blog post..Feeling Grateful
June 23rd, 2008 @ 6:25 am
First off, candy cigarettes were SOOO cool. They tasted like arse, however.
Second, smoking a tampon? A story to tell on prom night. HAWT!
Tranny Heads last blog post..Whacked Out Weekends: I am One Sick Mofo
June 23rd, 2008 @ 2:21 pm
Holy hell! am laughing my ASS off. Karma sucks.
June 23rd, 2008 @ 7:31 pm
Given the choice, I would rather my 3 year old smoke one then my 13 year old soak one in vodka and insert it.
Just sayin’
Jennis last blog post..Verbal Comments are Now Closed
June 23rd, 2008 @ 9:52 pm
Oh. My . Gott. OH MY GOTT. snorting Blue Moon out of my nose. Too too funny.
reminds me of….the first time I tried to insert a tampon…oh oh my..the HORROR when I realized it was in the wrong spot. ..I’m so not EVER going to tell ANYONE that story!
donna in mid michigans last blog post..ANOTHER one!!!
June 24th, 2008 @ 4:25 pm
Hilarious! I love reading about the embarrassing things our kids do to us. It makes for great pay back when they’re, oh, say about 11, to which my girl just turned.
Right now the most embarrassing thing I think she did to me was when she was about 3 years old and we were in Walfart in the cosmetics aisle. I guess she could see the end cap of pads/tampons because the next thing I hear her saying, loudly, was, Do you need mommy diapers, mommy?
Susans last blog post..Let the count down begin
July 2nd, 2008 @ 11:52 pm
Sounds like Allie’s *Shamlessly Sassy* as well. Hee.
VDogs last blog post..From the VDog School of Cracker Home Repair