The Tin Can Adventures: The Yard Sale Van
- May 21st, 2008 12:44 pm
(If you haven’t read the first portion of The Tin Can Adventures, you can catch up by clicking here . Especially if you want to get more of a feel for what this hell-pit of a restaurant was like. )
One morning, in the Summer of the Tin Can, I headed toward the restaurant prepared for another day of swimming in hamburgers, french fry grease, and complaints. I was the first to arrive, because I generally got there early , and no one else even bothered to come in on time. It was raining terribly, which was sort of exciting, because when it is heavily raining it is less likely that you will have a busy day at a drive-up eatery like the Tin Can, or at least it was for us.
But after an hour or two of the other employee, *Pearl, not showing up or calling in, I was getting a little curious about her whereabouts. Pearl had a bundle of children, if she was late, usually one of them had jammed a plastic army man up their nose or set the house on fire. It varied,really.
Her kids were friendly, but sort of like wild banshees. If you were going to nickname them, you would probably call them the Birth Control Squad. Because honestly, watching them raise hell with the drop of a hat was enough to stop anyones reproductive system from functioning. I saw three of them tie another to a tree once and taunt him with his toy, and I swear one of my ovaries rotted off right there on the spot.
Anyway:
Eventually the phone rang, I expected it to be Pearl. Truthfully, I expected that a member of the Birth Control Squad was in jail or had super-glued her to her bed or something totally run of the mill like that. But no, she needed me to come pick her up. She had driven through a foot of water that had flooded a main road in our town that always manages to get sitting water in it during a storm. So of course, it caused her car to flood and float, amongst other things. So she was stranded at a local gas station, and needed me to pick her up.
I was happy to do so. Hearing her car had flooded was way better than hearing that her kids had set fire to her living room– again. So I picked her up, reopened the Tin Can, and the day went on as usual.
On the following day, Pearl rolled up in a rapist van. A rapist van? What the hell is a rapist van, you might be asking yourself. And in case you aren’t in the know, rapist vans are those large creepy vans with tinted out windows, that you absolutely can not see inside. You know, the kind that they are always using in movies to kidnap people with? The getaway van. Well, that’s a rapist van. (Sorry if that’s lewd to you, but I didn’t make up the nickname.)
Anyway, I was sort of curious about how Pearl procured the van. She had talked the day before about not being able to afford a vehicle right now and poor credit, etc. Since she rented a house from my mother and didn’t pay her rent, I knew it wasn’t exactly easy for her to get by. Especially when her kids kept setting things on fire.
To be tactful about it, I sort of casually brought up the van and complimented the window tint.
‘Your van is nice. I like how dark the windows are,’ I said to Pearl.
‘Oh, thanks. I got it at a yard sale.’
I’m pretty sure I did a choke-cough at that point. The kind of thing you do because you can’t decide if you should laugh or cry. So you fake gag, choke, and cough. Saves a lot of face, if you ask me.
Anyway, I had no idea people bought and sold cars at yard sales. I mean, I knew you could buy some crappy discarded lace doilies of someone’s great-grandmother’s cousin, but Cars? Really?
But eventually, the purchase of the Yard Sale Van at the yard sale was not the issue. Because some time, the next day, Pearl decided she wanted to return it. Yes, let me rehash that for you, she wanted to return a rapist van that she bought at a yard sale.
I spent a lot of time that day explaining to Pearl that I wasn’t sure that you could return a van to a yard sale. I wasn’t even sure if you could return anything to a yard sale. To my knowledge, most of them do not offer return policies. I also had to explain to her that you could not, ‘beat the hell’ out of someone for not taking a back a purchase. The lectures lasted all day, really. Schooling Pearl in the ways of the civilized world was not easy. Especially when her main companions happened to be the Birth Control Squad.
Later that night, after we had closed the Tin Can, and I was at home double washing my hair, because it takes two times to get the scent of french fries out. I came out of the bathroom to see my mother rushing around the house.
‘Mom, what’s going on?’
‘Well, Pearl called.’ she replied rolling her eyes ridiculously hard.
‘What’s wrong? Is one of her kids holding someone hostage?’
‘No, it was the weirdest thing. She called and asked me to bail her out of jail. Something about a Yard Sale? and a van? And you lecturing about non-violence?’
And so it was. The person would not take the van back, and Pearl had taken business into her own hands. That was just another day at the Tin Can.
*The name Pearl is of course not the actual name of the person this post is about.
(If you’ve read this far, check out the post below about adages and old sayings, and submit your favorites.)
May 21st, 2008 @ 2:21 pm
OMG, this is hilarious! Esepcially since we just had a joint yard sale on SAturday, a friend and I, and her 17 year old son sold a a pint ball gun. the guy took the gun home to shoot some cats, but then brought it back because it didn’t work. And F. spent the rest of the afternoon complaining about the fact that there is a No Return policy at a yard sale! (Incidentally, we are pretty sure that the guy actually got the cats at whom he was aiming and no longer needed the gun, as when F. tried it out, it worked. Anyway: I digress. I started to tell you that we used to HAVE a van like that; only I called it the Pimp Van.
Koris last blog post..Is it Wednesday?
May 21st, 2008 @ 3:13 pm
Ha, too funny! You know we are looking for a yard sale vehicle right now, strangely enough!
So what was wrong with the “chester molester van” anyway?
Talinas last blog post..I gained some weight & almost got creamed by a crazy!
May 21st, 2008 @ 3:20 pm
I love your writing style and Pearl seems like quite the character!
Dirty Laundry Divas last blog post..How to burn bridges via email.
May 21st, 2008 @ 3:20 pm
LMAO rapist van
This is hilarious!
Honeybells last blog post..Life As A Nurse: Things My Patients Have Taught Me
May 21st, 2008 @ 4:09 pm
The rapist probably thought they had finally gotten rid of the rapist van where all the DNA was. No way were they going to take that car back from Pearl!
Madisons last blog post..Don’t Let The Door Hit Your…
May 21st, 2008 @ 4:17 pm
Are you sure this place is not really named Blazers, the tin can like drive-up hotwings restaurant owned by MY parents? Cause it sounds just the same.
And I TOTALLY know that french fry smell, but if you want to make it really great, add in a little chicken too. Yummy! Eventually even your car starts to smell like it.
Madame Queens last blog post..In Which We Wander Around and Finally Get Back To My Point
May 21st, 2008 @ 5:37 pm
We call those vans Kiddy Kidnappers. And how lucky were you to work there? All kinds of awesome!
FabGirls last blog post..American Idol Live (NOT)
May 21st, 2008 @ 7:31 pm
When I was in college I worked at the seafood restaurant. Fish grease is heinous. Every few months we (the employees) would burn our shoes just because they would get so nasty.
I love your stories!
Tara R.s last blog post..Random Wednesday - head level
May 21st, 2008 @ 9:02 pm
You must have a million other Tin Can stories.. and I NEED to hear them all. Hysterical.
Kims last blog post..Thursday Thirteen - Mixed Emotions
May 21st, 2008 @ 9:40 pm
Bwahahaha!!! Pearl sounds like a real good time. I’ll bet you have tons of stories about her and the Birth Control Squad.
Karens last blog post..Potty Talk
May 21st, 2008 @ 10:19 pm
Too funny I just love your blog!
Kelsey Smiths last blog post..::Can I Get an EWWW::
May 21st, 2008 @ 11:51 pm
I am so glad that you are incharge of reporting all about the rednecks of the world!
Seriously, I NEED your daily dose of laughter! LOVE IT!
And thanks for letting me know what magazine you were reading. I would have swore it was something more controversial than Cosmo. Maybe they are uping the “wow” factor now.
Kristens last blog post..I’m back!
May 22nd, 2008 @ 5:41 am
Great story - great start to my day!
Alices last blog post..Phoning It In
May 22nd, 2008 @ 5:57 am
If only finding a van, was that simple!
Brittanys last blog post..The Job Fair Adventure
May 22nd, 2008 @ 6:04 am
I nearly wet myself at the ‘rapist van’, (oh relax it just sounds funny, I don’t condone etc etc etc).
It’s up there with the ‘wife beating vests’.
Xbox4NappyRashs last blog post..A warning to the txt generation
May 22nd, 2008 @ 9:12 am
I love that french fry smell. It’s like that girl in the commercial who uses cashew nuts as her Eau de Cologne. She looks like she french kissed the Ugly Truck at 50 mph, but people just fall all over her. same thing with FF Smell.
lceels last blog post..100 Word Challenge - Distraction
May 22nd, 2008 @ 9:53 am
OH My Word!!! This sounds like just the type of thing that would happen in my neck of the woods. So….did your mom bail her out? ROFL!!!
May 22nd, 2008 @ 10:09 am
i thought i was the only one who called it the “rapist van.” lol. i’m still trying to figure out which restaurant you’re talking about. it’s bugging me. but you know what, her taking business into her own hands doesn’t surprise me in our hometown.
May 22nd, 2008 @ 10:45 am
Great post!! I totally know what you mean about the rapist van. We were always on the look at for them when we were younger!! You have to keep your eyes peeled!!
Heathers last blog post..Day 1 In Santa Barbara – Hotel Room and the Pier
May 22nd, 2008 @ 10:46 am
Oh my gosh! LOL I love these stories. I went back and read the other one about Mr. Garbage Man Dude. I look forward to reading more!
I want to hear more Pearl stories too! LOL And Bessie! hee hee.. Love it! I subscribe to your blog through email and passed it on a couple of times to a friend and she’s now subscribed also. We love your writing! I still say you should publish a book of your stores..sounds like you could have a nice full series!
Renes last blog post..Do You See What I See?
May 22nd, 2008 @ 11:15 am
At least you tried to explain to her how the civilized world works. Poor Pearl.
When I was still teaching, I tried to explain to my BIG boned (ie humpty dumpty fat) girls that spandex so short and tight that it showed acutal butt cheeks was a huge no no. Then, I would see the mothers of these girls? And hoochie mama would be the right description.
Anglophile Football Fanatics last blog post..Call Me Chemical Hol-ly
May 22nd, 2008 @ 11:49 am
Oh dear! Too bad you don’t still work with Pearl, because she makes for some great blog stories!
Momo Falis last blog post..Oprah Cliffs Notes IV
May 22nd, 2008 @ 2:02 pm
LOL!! She bought a VAN at a YARD SALE!? That’s hilarious!
And BTW, I too, refer to them as rapist vans or pedophile vans!
Grey Streets last blog post..NEWS! But first……
May 22nd, 2008 @ 9:57 pm
I can’t help wondering whatever happened to Pearl and her bundle of kids. Tell me she won the lottery or one of them became a child star or something…
Don Mills Divas last blog post..The dog who saved a family!
May 23rd, 2008 @ 2:24 pm
I bet Pearl owns a “junk yard” dog too.
Beth from the Funny Farms last blog post..Don’t Shoot Me…
May 23rd, 2008 @ 4:45 pm
Did she have a CSI crew test the van before purchase?