Mommy-Watch:Please Don’t Ash In His Soft Spot
- March 17th, 2008 4:10 pm
Familial obligation often leads me down many a strange path. Last Thursday night, that path led to a child’s birthday party that was being held in a smoke-filled bar where a multitude of rednecks were karaoking to gangster rap whilst surrounded by birthday balloons.
The truth of the matter is that I’d rather be beaten to death with a bag of hot nickels than ever relive this event.
You see, this restaurant is seemingly normal during the day. However, at some point when dark creeps in and the creepies crawl out, it turns into a seedy Karaoke Bar. It just so happened that the witching hour at which this transformation occurs was the same hour as birthday party. And that is more or less how I found myself in this place with my child attending another child’s birthday party.
It wasn’t the bar or the drinking at the 6 year old’s birthday party that was as alarming as the atmosphere itself. While I might have grown up in a very small country town, mass quantities of redneck tension all built up in one room always make me nervous–even in the midst of birthday cake! I’m serious. (I have trouble attending Country music concerts, because the mere thought of hundreds of rubes stumbling over me to touch someone’s guitar pick is sort of scary.)
Back to the party:
When I arrived, the lights were still on, giant speakers had yet to be set up, and it appeared as if this was a normal place. Then, not even five minutes after I’d been sitting, it all went to beans.
Not long after I ordered, the karaoke started and a bleached blond gal who called herself Wanda stepped up to the microphone to sing, “Did I Shave My Legs for This?” Aside from her sounding like a dying cat in hail storm, I guess it was an okay performance.
Additionally, 80’s Lady was busy doing the Electric Slide, which I thought had died out in the late 80’s and only still existed in the realm of middle school dances. But have no fear, Electric Slide fans, 80’s Lady is still representing for you all. You can always count on her to attempt to bring sexy back in her own strange little way. (Don’t worry she tried to do the Soulja Boy with all the young kids, also.)
Back to the story again:
Happy Birthdays were sang, gifts were open, and many of people were scarred for life. I had all but died and gone to redneck hell. My armpits were sweating, and I was half nauseous from all of the ‘ain’t’ s being thrown around.
Now that I think about it, I’m sure there were many other things going on around me that didn’t involve my sweating armpits. But when some couple walked with their sleeping baby in a car seat and sat it on the counter of the bar, I was on Mommy-watch and could no longer pay attention to anything else. If you’re a mother, you know what I mean. You probably even know what I mean if you have a pet. Maybe you have neither and know what I mean.
Mommy-watch is the stare you put on when there is an unattended child in an area, and for some reason, you noticed this child and feel completely obligated to his well-being. You have to watch this kid until you can pull yourself away, and hope his parents remember that he exits. It is very difficult to turn mommy-watch off.
Since this child’s car seat was literally sitting right on the bar, and his parents were off doing the Boot Scootin’ Boogy or some other god-awful line dance, I was visually babysitting him from 20 ft.away.
This went on forever. I can’t say I minded, because he was sleeping, and I half expected his mother to come over and ash her cigarette in his soft spot. At which point, I would’ve had to call her out (and I hate calling people out), and she would have stomped my ass, because she had someone’s name tattooed on her arm in Old English.
And well, I don’t mess with a girl that has anything tattooed on her arm in Old English. Unless she had ashed in his soft spot, then it would have been ON.
I kept trying to snap pictures of it with my camera phone, but it was dark, smokey, and once again, if this lady had caught me, I would’ve had to defend myself. And, while I say things ‘beaten to death with a bag of hot nickels’ and talk about poking people in the eye, I am not the least bit violent.
And the tattoo. It was just so manly. If it had a been a butterfly, I would’ve been less concerned. But Old English, man..she is tough. But I am pretty sure I could’ve beaten up the Kenny Chesney impersonator, that sounded more like goat getting hit by a car than a person, that she was carting around with her.
In the end, through out the bad karaoke, the beer soaked floor, my daughter being amazed (and inspired in the scariest way possible) by the karaokers, and the visual babysitting, all I could think about was that scene in ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ where Reese Witherspoon approaches her friend when she is back in her hometown and is all,
“YOU HAVE A BABY…………….IN A BAR!!!”
I love that movie.
March 17th, 2008 @ 4:22 pm
OMG…I have been there. Well..I wasn’t invited to the party but was out at a bar wanting to party when a birthday party erupted w/ car seats and all..It is obvious that these people don’t think. They don’t realize there are places like Chuck E Cheeze for a reason…or for crying out loud go to Pizza Hut.
For the record, when I got married I told the band….You will NOT get paid if you play the Electric Slide. Of course I have some band member tracking me down durning their break that I had alot of unhappy guests that were requesting The Electric Slide..so yes, we all have red neck cousins. I think that your 80’s Lady was there at my wedding..along with her boyfriend that felt up the teenage girls. They had to be removed from the event.
Oh well…
mp’s last blog post..NINE
March 17th, 2008 @ 4:25 pm
Yikes. I know what you mean about mommywatch - I have it, and I hate kids.
And woo, I just found your entrecard.
Solomon Broad’s last blog post..Things I’m Grateful For on Monday 17 March
March 17th, 2008 @ 4:28 pm
I love that movie, too. And that’s exactly what I thought when I read this.
Damn. Some people. That just made me irritated sitting here reading that.
Poor kid. Hopefully this is not a frequent happening in that baby’s life.
Yikes.
Love your word skills, you’re so fun.
rachel’s last blog post..Baby, She’s Jamming Now! Review and a Giveaway
March 17th, 2008 @ 4:31 pm
I totally wish you could’ve gotten a picture… I can’t believe someone would leave their baby on a BAR.
Michelle’s last blog post..St. Patty’s Day parade in Dublin!!!
March 17th, 2008 @ 4:37 pm
I took my son to his friends birthday party at a bowling alley. Which would have been fine. Except there were 8-10 adults and my kid and the birthday boy. The adults smoke, drank and bowled. The kids sat at the table and watched. I played with the kids and put the new toys together. It was ridiculous.
And PS. I would give anything to see a picture of 80’s lady.
Sister Honey Bunch’s last blog post..It Seems Our Job Here is Done
March 17th, 2008 @ 4:42 pm
oh YEs Mommy Watch…i TOTALLY get that! my goodness you have far more self control than i do, i am sure i would have had to say something. i swear there are times i wish i had Child Protective Services on speed dial!
HolleeAnn’s last blog post..Spring Picnic
March 17th, 2008 @ 4:48 pm
Wow, poor kid, imagine what they’ll be doing with it by the time its not carseat sized, strip clubs? On the bright side, they own a car seat…
March 17th, 2008 @ 4:51 pm
Some people should have to pass a common sense test before being allowed to become parents. These people with the baby ON the bar? FAIL!
March 17th, 2008 @ 5:03 pm
Lol! I love that movie also. I hate seeing babies in bars, it really gets under my skin. Those babies have no choice to be subjected to all that garbage.
Meagan’s last blog post..Kiss me, I really am Irish!
March 17th, 2008 @ 5:03 pm
Wow, incredible. Amazing. Just when you think someone has built an idjut-proof idea (don’t bring babies to bars!), someone generates a more viable idjut (but hey, he’s in a carseat with the seat belt on!).
Sheesh. Good thing you were on mommy alert.
Enjoy,
Barbara
Barbara Ling (aka Owlbert)’s last blog post..Viva the Easter Broccoli Bunny! Managing your blog fan’s expectations - Day 1 of 5
March 17th, 2008 @ 5:09 pm
I really shouldn’t drink coffee when I come visit your blog. Out the nose, down the wrong pipe and all while about to pee my pants laughing. You are just hy-larry-us, and it’s so much fun to read about your family. Except that you are right that a baby ON the bar is a very bad thing, indeed, but you tell it so well!
Maggie’s last blog post..Minus One Bit O’ Green
March 17th, 2008 @ 5:45 pm
Wish I had seen that movie.
I work in a bar/private club. My new Manager is upset with the rule that parents CAN bring their kids in… even after curfew. She knows the regulars because she’s worked there for years, but several the bartenders agree that it just sucks rocks when a parent brings a kid with them to watch them get totally sloshed… and then drives them home. The parents!
I also do the mommy-watch. And I’m not afraid to step in and keep the child from danger if the parents aren’t paying attention. I’ve gotten glared at, but I’ve saved a few kids, so I don’t feel the least bit guilty.
Sue’s last blog post..Proud to be whatever it is I am
March 17th, 2008 @ 6:25 pm
Admittedly, I call the police on parents when they don’t have their kids properly restrained in the car. So I am familiar with Mommy Watch. Unfortunately, you can’t call anyone but a friend to commiserate when you see a baby in a bar. I would have sooooo had your back if she ashed anywhere near a baby.
*so my computer hasn’t highlighted a single thing-leading me to believe my spell checker is on a smoke break.
TRACI’s last blog post..No real plot, just MeMe
March 17th, 2008 @ 6:52 pm
I laughed so hard reading this!
Your family (his) is seriously whacked! A birthday party in a bar?
Jenni’s last blog post..Welcome Home
March 17th, 2008 @ 8:32 pm
Yikes
Poor little one. This is probably not the only time the parents exhibit bad judgement either. Just sad.
janethesane’s last blog post..Questions that Need Answers
March 17th, 2008 @ 9:05 pm
I love your new masthead - so cute!
ALF’s last blog post..I Can Get Ya Some Free White-Out Though.
March 17th, 2008 @ 9:28 pm
My kids are grown and now I am on Grammie watch.
witchypoo’s last blog post..Ask witchypoo: 2012
March 17th, 2008 @ 10:01 pm
I watched SHA on television this weekend… love that movie. I think I would have gone all spider monkey on the tattooed mom… Old English lettering! pah! Probably translated into something like “ye olde towne tramppe.”
Tara R.’s last blog post..‘Conquiesco’ - I Conquer
March 17th, 2008 @ 10:46 pm
Seriously, you have the best stories! LOVE that movie! And I would have paid top dollar to see 80s lady CRANK THAT!
amy’s last blog post..Giddy Up!
March 17th, 2008 @ 11:00 pm
Some things just can’t be made up.
Ain’t nobody gonna tell that mama she cain’t haver baby in that there drinkin hole.
A Whole Lot of Nothing’s last blog post..I “Cooked”
March 17th, 2008 @ 11:19 pm
ohhh mommy-watch. i think yours takes the cake, though.
as an antidote, i’m going to suggest getting yourself to the nearest j.crew and trying on some clothes and then wandering around pottery barn for an hour or so, smelling candles and checking the bottom of the plates to see where they were manufactured. it works every time to re-establish the normal balance of neck tint. trust me.
best wishes!
LizzieFish’s last blog post..I’m Griping About New Orleans Again
March 18th, 2008 @ 9:47 am
It takes skill and practice to be a red-necked hillbilly in a bar and actually survive the night. I’m glad to see the boy’s parents are starting him out young. I hope their teaching him well. As soon as he’s old enough, I’m sure they’ll buy him a surplus WWII German helmet to protect his head. I mean, come on, they’re not COMPLETELY stoopid.
lceel’s last blog post..Bling Monday
March 18th, 2008 @ 9:50 am
Now I, ME, MYSELF - feels dumb. I hate it when people misuse words, and now I’ve done it myself. the third word of the third sentence should be ‘they’re’ NOT ‘their’. Whip me, hurt me. Beat me with a dictionary. A big one.
lceel’s last blog post..Bling Monday
March 18th, 2008 @ 10:01 am
So I thought it would be fun to work in a sex shop (ahem, adult superstore) this summer, and if I learned anything it’s that, no, you don’t have to have children of your own to go on mommy watch.
It’s shameful how many people try to bring their children into an x rated store. But you know whats worse? When I would tell them they’re not aloud inside, so they put their 5 year olds in the car and come back in by themselves.
While their parents were perusing the girl on girl dvds, I watched their kids through the window like a hawk. I mean seriously? You need to buy a french tickler so badly that you can’t wait til little Timmy is at pre school?
March 18th, 2008 @ 10:03 am
That was my first thought when you said “baby” in regards to a bar. I love that movie too… one of the eight million chick flicks I love. lol
But, anyway- I do the mommy-watch all too often. People seriously DO NOT watch their kids! I’ve done this while picking my kids up at school, in the store, at parties… it’s amazing how people will just walk off and let their kids roam free!
And as for rednecks? My friend’s son, who just turned ONE, received a hunting knife and gun for Christmas from his grandfather on his dad’s side. Yeah.
Autumn’s last blog post..Blog Award Time!
March 18th, 2008 @ 10:03 am
There are so many WRONGS in this post..
the electric slide- WRONG
soulja boy dance- WRONG
6 Year old b-day party at a bar- WRONG
and my god.. a baby on the bar.. WTF is the matter with some people.
Kim’s last blog post..Blue Smiles made my weekend
March 18th, 2008 @ 10:17 am
That is the most hilarious story I’ve ever heard. Seriously. I’m in my office snorting and rolling around in my desk chair. Perhaps it’s because I too grew up in a redneck area, but I can TOTALLY picture that scene. Love it!
Jen’s last blog post..Write Your Own Horoscope
March 18th, 2008 @ 10:46 am
OH. MY. GOD. That sounds like hell to me. No, really. And a baby in a bar?? Where the heck IS this place?
I do love that movie, though. That Reese W is so damn cute. I can’t hate her even if she is dating my future husband, Jakey G.
greyst’s last blog post..Since I’m going to be 30 …. here’s 30 facts about me
March 18th, 2008 @ 10:52 am
ROFL. Maybe I’ll comment more when I can stop laughing.
Sadia’s last blog post..Quick update
March 18th, 2008 @ 11:50 am
you know what else i hate, besides dumb rednecks with children…in a bar…with smoke…and alcohol…
when these people decide that it’s a fine idea to take their children to a rate R movie, on a saturday night, at 9:30…so, instead of listening to the movie, we have to listen to a stupid mom or dad telling their kids to shut their stupid mouths or they will get their stupid behinds tanned…yeah, i hate that!!
March 18th, 2008 @ 2:03 pm
“Did I Shave My Legs for This?” - good heavens, the name of the song even scares me! Ugh, visual babysitting. Done both for pets and kids. Both equally annoying.
I would have been scared of that woman too!
Loved the post! I felt like I was almost there with you… sucking in the 2nd hand smoke
Sandy (Momisodes)’s last blog post..Delurk and Wave! Rerolling the Blogroll
March 18th, 2008 @ 2:26 pm
*eyes bulging* I simply don’t know what to say. Wow.
Rene’s last blog post..I Don’t Like It…
March 18th, 2008 @ 2:54 pm
Amazing!!
Can’t you just picture it ten years from now…. Mom with the olde english tatoo sending her kid down the street to get her a pack of cigarettes and a 40oz beer!
Wow…
Pink Lemonade Liz’s last blog post..Five Kind Things
March 18th, 2008 @ 3:19 pm
OMG. Really? I mean…really??
I thought stuff like that only happened in movies.
BUT…I totally know what you mean by mommy-watch! I’ve had to mommy-watch quite a few kids while their momma was shoe shopping back when I worked in retail.
LunaNik’s last blog post..A little R&R
March 18th, 2008 @ 3:54 pm
The whole time I was thinking that line from SHA, too. Egads. Old English tat on a woman? She sounds rather manly for a gal. You find yourself in the STRANGEST situations, don’t you??
Anglophile Football Fanatic’s last blog post..A Blast From the Past
March 18th, 2008 @ 4:54 pm
I do love that movie, I like how you ended on a positive note…….seeign as how there was none to be had…
Yes, I too am all kinds-of on mommy watch, all of the time. I feel for ya.
March 18th, 2008 @ 5:48 pm
That is so funny…you have painted a picture in my mind of exactly what happened!!! I also like that film.
families…the places they take us and the experiences we share!!!!
Laura from the Fringe’s last blog post..Where we currently stand
March 18th, 2008 @ 6:18 pm
I really wish even one little iota of your story was unbelievable, but sadly, I fully expect that I could walk into any one of dozens of bars in West Virginia and saw the exact same scene. The tattoo might change, but the characters never do.
Burgh Baby’s Mom’s last blog post..Happy as a (Boiling Hot) Clam
March 18th, 2008 @ 10:00 pm
Thank you.
Thank you for the gut wrenching belly laugh.
I truly needed it.
Heather J.’s last blog post..R.I.P Party Girl
March 18th, 2008 @ 11:12 pm
Thanks for stopping by! My youngest is my snake. He regularly bites while nursing! ow.
The thought of a baby in a bar. Or even a kids party in a bar makes me look like a stranded fish. I am gaping and gasping over here. I cannot even imagine. I must be sheltered. I would never even think of taking my baby to a bar.
Tracy D’s last blog post..My Child is a Zoo in one
March 19th, 2008 @ 11:08 am
I have mommy watch too and I’m not at all a mother. I think its partially a socialized female trait.
I love Sweet Home Alabama too!
March 19th, 2008 @ 6:49 pm
Every time I cringed for you, there was more to exacerbate the situation. I am so sorry.
Glad I’m not the only visual babysitter in crowded joints like that.